Category: Aliyah

Dystopian Novel depicts a nightmare future Israel run by Anglo Olim

Dystopia Anglo OlimBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/12/2017 at 6:20 PM

Ra’anananadingdong: Israelis were frightened to their very core this week with the release of a chilling dystopian novel depicting life in a future Israel that is run by Anglo Olim. The novel, entitled “Lo Hevanti” (second choice: “Avshar Mayim?“), tells the story of an Israel in the year 2021 that is completely run by recent immigrants from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, South Africa, and Australia. The story takes place two years after all the other Israelis got so tired of listening to Anglos tell them how much better we would run things if we were in charge…..that they all just threw up their hands and told us to have at it. And the whole balagan turns into “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Except with better lunch options. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier sat in on a Literary Salon in Neve Tzedek as they reviewed “Lo Hevanti” and discussed how scared they were after reading it.

The Salon’s hostess started off the conversation. “So the Anglos rule that any argument on Secret Tel Aviv that lasts longer than 10 threads must then go to the Knesset for resolution…… and then the Knesset passes a law outlawing anyone from buying or selling dogs…..it just seemed so….so…. real.  Also, when they got Nefesh B’ Nefesh to amend the Basic Law so it now said that ‘Everything must be convenient.’….I couldn’t sleep that night.”

Local artist Tzvi then interjected with his scariest moment in the book. “When the entire economy breaks down after Lone Soldiers start going door to door asking for free shit to furnish their apartments….. I actually stopped answering my door for 3 days.

“I really liked ‘Dudi’, the Sabra hero of the book.” explained Ido. “Like when he hacks into “Keep Olim in Israel”…… in order to try to keep Olim from staying in Israel.

Finally, Florentin poet Meirav spoke up. “Hey! No spoilers! I’ve only read up to the point where the Prime Minister orders MK Tuttle-Singer to stop blogging while a motion is up for debate on the Knesset Floor.”

 

 

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Universe implodes after Olim complain about post by Oleh on Keep Olim in Israel complaining about complainers

Keep Olim Universe implodes complaints complainingBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/7/2017 at 9:30 PM

The Andromeda Galaxy: Time and Space no longer exist as a concept that we can understand, and it’s all because of Facebook! Today on “Keep Olim in Israel“, a Facebook community dedicated to helping recent immigrants to Israel, there was a post. By an Oleh. Complaining. About complaining Olim. And then people complained about it. Well this was all a bit much for the old Universe, which has lately been straining to keep up with Keep Olim, and at around 7:30 PM local time this evening, the Universe simply imploded, ending existence as we know it.

Reaction to the implosion could be felt across the Israeli Olim Community. Dozens of people posted on Secret Tel Aviv, with the top posts being:

1) “Hey did anyone just hear something?”

2) “When the Universe implodes, is there supposed to be a siren?”

3) “When do the buses start running again?”

4) “Hi my friend is 35 years old, really cute, and single. He is looking for a nice girl to enjoy the implosion of the Universe with. No smokers.”

5) “Can anyone tell me the best breakfast places in Tel Aviv?”

Despite the confusion with the implosion of time and space, there was an up-side as well. Theological questions that were long wondered about finally have an answer. While Jews don’t really believe in Hell, we now know that those who did bad things must spend an eternity sitting on the beach in the middle of an endless matkot tournament. Yet other things make no sense. Somehow despite the end of time and space as we know it, multiple Aliyah blogs continue to exist and somehow continue to generate new content, mostly about how the “big jerk at the Post Office keeps using the time/space continuum as an excuse for why my package from Ali Baba hasn’t arrived yet.

Also, as the Daily Freier hurtled through the endless void toward Gan Eden, we could have sworn we saw an old bearded guy holding the Book of Mormon.

“But if my parents make Aliyah, who will shlep my shopping to Israel?” American Olah sues Nefesh B’ Nefesh

Living the Dream Aliyah Nefesh B' NefeshDISCLAIMER: This article has been submitted by a guest writer and by no means represents the editorial opinion of the Daily Freier. ‘Cuz we mamash love Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Live the Dream!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/29/2017 at 3:30 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph: An American Olah-Sorta-Hadasha has served Nefesh B ‘Nefesh with a restraining order, stipulating that the esteemed Aliyah agency stay no less than 500 meters from her parents and “not to try to reach them on Pinterest.” Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph resident Sherrie M. has laid down the law with Nefesh B’Nefesh on behalf of her elderly parents. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is now barred from any contact or communication with Sherry’s parents for a period of 10 years. Speaking from her home, Sherrie explained how distressed she was upon learning that a Nefesh representative had spoken at their family Shul and was passing out brochures.

The fliers said ‘Live the Dream‘. But how do they know what my parents’ dream is? Maybe their dream is to stay in New Jersey and come visit me every four months with three extra suitcases of my online purchases. Did they every think of that? Huh???

They’re selfish! They’re only thinking about themselves and their agenda… shame on them for taking advantage of vulnerable older people like that!” Sherrie fumed while browsing Amazon for pumpkin spice k-cups. “You think two cases is enough? Or should I get three? What about Ziplocs?

Despite all the current drama, Sherrie assured the Daily Freier that she was reasonable and open to compromise. “I would be happy if they spoke with Nefesh once the restraining order is up. Besides, in 10 years Shloimie my oldest boy should be going off to YU. So you know, I will just have Target ship everything to his dorm and he can bring it to me during Spring Break, Summer Break, the Chagim, and Chanukah.

Using their online package tracer, the Daily Freier was able to follow an Amazon delivery truck to the Teaneck, New Jersey home of Murray and Rhonda, Sherrie’s parents. “Our daughter is a true Zionist pioneer and we are so proud of her. Things are difficult over there. Even Target is afraid to ship to them! So if we can help her by bringing a few things, it’s the least we can do.” explained Rhonda. “Imagine if she had to go to the mall. I mean, those are dangerous places! Our ladies tehillim group has been davening for that poor boy lost in Dizengoff center since 2015. Wait…. did he ever make his way out?

Just for Aliyah Day, I drive you to airport even though my taxi meter is broken

The Daily Freier celebrates Aliyah Day(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 10/25/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Hello! You speak English! Where do you want to go? The airport? No problem. No problem.

What? You want me to drop you off at the train station and go to Ben Gurion by train? No. No. Very bad, the trains today. Very bad. I take you all the way to Ben Gurion. No problem.

So where you from? Los Angeles? My sister lives in Miami. Next time I visit her, I want to see Los Angeles, Yellowstone, and the Alamo. Rent a car. How far from Miami? Six hours?

Oh yes! Happy Aliyah Day! So why did you move here, you Big Shmuck? HaHa! Just kidding! Not Really! Anyway, Happy Aliyah Day! Olim are so special for me! You are Zionism, you know what I mean? That is why I keep working today even though it’s my day off. Also, even though my taxi meter is broken. Just for you, my friend. How much for the ride? Ehhhh…. You tell  me what you think a fair price is. You said 150 Shekels? I think 200 Shekels is more fair.

Happy Aliyah Day!

Canadian Olah “mildly annoyed” at being mistaken for American

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/17/2017 at 2:30 PM

Judea and Samaria: A Canadian-Israeli Olah has petitioned the American government for U.S. citizenship claiming that all the Israelis on her yishuv already believe that she is American anyway. Rivky K. has lived in a town 15 minutes north of Jerusalem for over 5 years and is known to everyone as ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ …even though she is not actually American. “Everyone thinks I’m American and all they want to do is kvetch to me about President Trump.” Rivky noted. “If I have to put up with that every day, I want all the other benefits of U.S. citizenship…isn’t that fair?

Rivky explained that the misunderstanding happened shortly after she moved to the yishuv. “I went to get my mail, nothing much… just 10 or 12 parcels from Next and Amazon. Svetlana, the doar [post office] lady spoke a bit of English and told me about “all the other nice Americans here” who she knew: Sarah, who had a baking supply store [editor’s note: Sarah is Australian] and Rabbi H. [yep…. South African] and Malka the seamstress [British… of course] Svetlana started calling me ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ but I didn’t have the language skills to correct her… so the nickname stuck”

It’s not my fault! I just wish there was a way I could communicate better with the Israelis here… you know, like if they improved their English or something.” she griped. “But I’m working on it! I have a great idea about setting up some kind of an intensive language-learning school for them… what do you think?

‘Why has G-d forsaken us?’ Israelis calm after Target’s mass order cancellation

‘Why has G-d forsaken Us?’ Israelis react to Target’s mass order cancellationBy Chava Ewa and Mark Levy

Last Updated 9/4/2017 at 3:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: Target just cancelled all of its orders to Israel, and Israelis, especially the ultra-resilient Anglo Olim Community, are collectively LOSING. THEIR. MINDS. According to those Anglo Olim “In the Know”, the cancellation of 20,000 Target orders is an event sufficiently catastrophic to legitimately be described as a Nakba.

We are weeping, we are praying, we are fasting. Surely this is a sign from HaShem to repent.” lamented Rabbi Shlomo K. of Efrat. “It’s like Tisha b’Av, only here and now. Hashem gave us something amazing and miraculous and suddenly he took it away.  And it’s no coincidence that this catastrophe happened right before the High Holidays …. it’s a sign!

So to the best of our knowledge, here is what happened:

  • An affiliate of Target offered free shipping to Israel.
  • Apparently, they have never shipped anything to Israel.
  • Within 15 minutes, every Israeli had told every other Israeli about the great deal.
  • In order not to mess this up for everyone, Israelis prudently placed small ord…. JUST KIDDING! They went nuts and tried to ship swingsets! Also plastic sheds!
  • Israeli Customs saw this as an opportunity to levy new taxes, including a “Snack Tax” (really!).
  • Target, no doubt feeling a lot like someone who just got talked into buying Dead Sea products at the mall, pulled the plug on the whole thing.
  • The Jews went insane on social media.
  • The full force of 20,000 Jews complaining crashed the server used by the Facebook Page ‘Living Financially Smarter in Israel’.

Despite the majesty and wonder of Startup Nation,  Israelis do not yet enjoy access to the plethora of consumer goods which Target offers. “Whenever my mom comes to visit, I ask her to bring me just a few small things …. you know, like 8 boxes of pumpkin spice k-cups, a new car seat, and 3 kilos of Lawry’s seasoned salt.” explained Rivky B., a resident of Beit Shemesh. “But when my Facebook friends started posting about this free shipping offer, I thought it was a miracle …. surely Moshiach was coming …. or something!”

Rivky’s Israeli-born neighbor Aviva was sympathetic but not surprised. “They really should have been more suspicious, that offer sounded too good to be true.” she said. “But these Anglo Olim, they’ll believe anything. We have a word for that in our language… I don’t know if you’ve heard it, but it rhymes with ‘Tire’. You know, that would be a great name for an online newspaper.

So you’re an Oleh converting a foreign drivers license? My mother’s brother’s former roommate’s boyfriend’s vaad bayit has all the answers!

Israeli Drivers license Daily FreierBy Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/17/2017 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: So in a surprise move, the Israeli Government passed a law making life easier for Olim. Now, you can update your foreign drivers license without making a hefty contribution to the totally-not-corrupt Israeli Driving Instructor racket  Industry! And this being a country run by Jews, the entire process is being conducted with a sense of efficiency and transparency that can be compa….. Just Kidding!!! The whole thing is a total mess! And we love it! Because it just cured our 2 week case of Writer’s Block! The Daily Freier loitered outside of various Motor Vehicle Departments and trolled Keep Olim in Israel in order to get all the facts. For you. Our readers.

While standing around at the entrance to the Misrad HaRishui, the Daily Freier ran into our very own Emily Goldstein, who was also waiting to convert her Maryland Drivers license and shared her knowledge to-date of the process. “So remember that guy from our MASA program? The one from London with the really cute accent? No, not that guy…… The other one. So I saw him at Frishman Beach last week and…. OMG he had a totally flat stomach and I could see all of his abs! Wait, where was I? OK. He told me that his Ulpan teacher’s dad owns a makolet, and last week the guy who delivers energy drinks told him that you need to bring your old license, your new license, a bag of bamba, and a piece of green paper or something. I’m totally excited to start driving!”

As we spoke to Emily, Alert Local Ronit S. overheard our conversation and offered to share her knowledge on this vital subject. “So I was going out with this guy in Florentin? But not really going out. He’s kind of an idiot. But whatever. Anyway, his roommate’s mom goes to the same doctor as a woman who works at the Misrad HaRishui in Ramat Gan. And she said that in order for Olim to convert their license, they need to bring a letter from their High School Principal, a picture in which you’re wearing eyeglasses, and a Rav Kav. Also, you should do the whole thing by Fax.

We were starting to despair from the conflicting information, so we decided to just drink coffee hafuch and scan Keep Olim in Israel for a few hours…. and, miraculously, we discovered all of the answers that we have been seeking! Here it is….

Walk into your favorite optometrist and just hand them some money. Then go to your nearest motor vehicle department. Unless you live in Beit Shemesh or Ra’anaana. Then you should go someplace else. Once you’re inside, Look for the smartest person you see and give them  your old eyeglasses, your Teudat Oleh, and your Biometric Passport. Or a letter from your Rabbi back home. Wait 5 days, then bring your teudat Zeut and your latest water bill to your nearest post office. Cut the line and tell them that you know Moti. Your license should then arrive in the mail within 5-6 business days. Unless it’s Chag.