Tag: Aliyah

Aliyah, The Daily Freier en Español

Cops Rescue Argentine Oleh from Vegan Expo in Ramat Gan

vegansBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/10/2016 at 2:40 PM

Ramat Gan: A fast response by police aided by quick thinking bystanders prevented a potential tragedy today at Ramat Gan’s Vegan Expo.  An Argentine Oleh was trapped for several hours within the Expo and was extracted safely an hour ago by a police patrol assisted by a Department Hostage Negotiation team. Natan P. is a recent immigrant who was “looking for the new Rak Basar” when he accidentally stumbled into the Vegan Expo. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get the word on the streets.

According to attendees, Natan entered the Vegan Expo and within minutes began behaving suspiciously. “I saw a guy running from stall to stall shouting gibberish.” explained alert local Ronit S. “A vendor offered him a chicken schnitzel made from vegetable protein.  Then the guy yelled ‘Pollo no es carne! Pollo no es carne!’ When the vendor explained that it wasn’t actually chicken, the guy yelled ‘la milanesa de soja es un insulto a las milanesas!‘. The woman from the tabouleh stand tried to patiently explain that the entire exposition contained only sustainable vegan products for sale, but the guy just stared at her and said ‘pero aún podes tomar cerveza, no?‘ Then he ran toward the tofu vendor who tried to offer him a tofurkey leg.  He snatched the tofurkey leg and tried a bite. Then he punched out the vendor, flipped over a muesli display table and ran away.  As he ran out he tried to capture a pigeon, but it was too fast…… I don’t know why, but weird things always seem to find me when I’m in Ramat Gan.“

Concerned citizens called the police, but by the time they arrived Natan had retreated to a stand of trees in the far corner of the Expo, built a small fire, broiled his shoe, and was busy cutting it into an improvised choripán. Police retreated after he menaced them with the frozen tofurkey leg that he had stolen from the kiosk. After roping off a perimeter, a Police hostage negotiation team communicated with Natan by bullhorn from a safe perimeter and finally lured him from the trees with a tray of kebabs and 500 grams of uncooked ribeye steak.

A visibly shaken Natan was taken to Ichalov Hospital for observations and then released to his Aunt and Uncle, who appeared to have brought a picnic basket containing an entire roast.

 

Save

 

Shameless Self Promotion

Protest in Kikar Rabin Demands Answers: Is the Daily Freier Real?

aYlqNA

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/7/2016 at 2:50 PM

Tel Aviv: With the city still reeling from yesterday’s bombshell article exposing the relationship between the FOREX Industry and hookups, concerned citizens are now meeting up in public to demand answers from their elected leaders on today’s burning question: Is the Daily Freier for Real or What???? By this afternoon, hundreds of city residents had gathered in Kikar Rabin to demonstrate their concern and ensure their voices were heard.  The Daily Freier wandered over to help investigate itself.

“I don’t know what to think anymore.” stated an obviously distraught Adi H.  “I get all of my news from the Daily Freier.  That’s how I learned that a talking Israeli bird caught spying in Lebanon joined ‘Breaking the Silence’.  Yet none of the so-called ‘real news sources’ would touch the story.”

“The Daily Freier sucks.” complained  Avi T. “They tell nothing but lies.  They said that Secret Tel Aviv was getting so out of control that it had become a self-aware entity. So I cited them for my Term Paper on Artificial Intelligence at Hebrew University, and my professor failed me.  I [freaking] hate those liars.”

Yet some loyal readers continued to defend the Daily Freier. “It’s a must-read for me.” explained alert local Ronit S. “I mean, weather, horoscope, fashion, everything.  Just last week I was really concerned because an Olah Hadashah was feared missing.  I mean, get this….  she was here for 3 days and STILL HAD NOT STARTED A BLOG!  I know! How crazy is that? So I was really excited when I found out that she was OK and hanging out at Mike’s Place!”

As the story went to print, a prominent national politician volunteered to go undercover in Tel Aviv dressed as a native in order to the bottom of this mystery.

 

 

 

Aliyah

American Woman Feared Missing After Failing to Start Blog Within 72 Hours of Aliyah

December_Charter_Flight(Photo Credit: Nefesh B’Nefesh)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/31/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Derech HaYarkon: The concerned family of an American Olah Hadashah flew to Israel early this morning after receiving no indication that their daughter Sarah had started a Blog about her life in Israel since arriving on Monday. Sarah, a recent graduate of UNC Chapel Hill, arrived on a Nefesh B’Nefesh flight and has yet to create an online platform to describe her interactions with the juice guy on the corner, how to buy fruit in the Shuk, or how silly the ‘newbies’ on the Birthright tour look.  Her parents, Leah and David P. of Lexington, Massachusetts, met with Consular Officials  before holding a joint press conference at the United States Embassy in Tel Aviv.

“We’re just looking for a sign that she’s OK, like maybe a really, really, really long story about the kindly Russian-speaking grandmother who stopped to help her when she was lost and crying in Shuk HaCarmel before Shabbat.” said a despondent Leah P. “I’m not saying I would actually read it, but it would still be a relief.”

“I just wish she would do an “Only in Israel” entry like her Cousin Melissa always does on that Blog she writes.” stated her father. When The Daily Freier pressed David for details that would indicate such an entry, he admitted that he had never actually “read” any of Melissa’s entries, but rather subcontracted the task to Dylan, his 12 year old son. Dylan, who would read the entries and provide his father a typed “Cliff’s Notes” version suitable for feigning familiarity with the blog when Melissa Skyped them, was currently charging his dad $10 per Blog post or $15 in credit for Minecraft upgrades.

Dylan, who described his cousin Melissa’s Blog as “Lame“, “Stupid“, and “Eat, Pray, Love only whiter” vowed that if his sister was OK and started blogging, he would charge his dad “Like 20 Bucks or something” to read any of Sarah’s future entries.  Dylan smiled and turned to his father on the conference room podium.  “And every time she posts an entry that says ‘OMG breakfast in Israel is A-MA-ZING’ I’m charging an extra 5 Bucks….. 10 if she also Instagrams the food.”

UPDATE: A U.S. Embassy spokesperson happily announced that Sarah is alive and well and “hanging out at Mike’s Place”. The spokesperson went on to explain that Sarah failed to start a Blog because she was busy creating a new Facebook page dedicated to Israel Advocacy and pictures of her new life here to include documenting the coffee hafuch she purchased from Aroma yesterday, a guy on a bicycle walking 12 dogs on Ben Yehuda Street, and a matkot game on Metzitzim Beach.  Her relieved parents promised they would check it out.  But they were lying.

Ulpan Gordon Daily Freier French
Aliyah, HaTzarfatim

Israeli Family cancels Paris Vacation & enrolls in Ulpan Gordon “because it’s kind of the same thing”

(Photo Credit: Our Friends at Ulpan Gordon Who Know That We Love Them Even If We Make Fun of Them)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/20/2016 at 9:20 PM

Tel Aviv: The Levy family of Rehovot are one savvy Mishpachah.  Looking at the financial cost of fulfilling their dream vacation to the City of Light, they opted for a far less expensive alternative: spending two weeks at Tel Aviv’s Ulpan Gordon language school.  “We really just wanted to immerse ourselves in the French experience: To hear nothing but people speaking French. Eat nothing but French food. To really feel like we were in a different country.  But between plane tickets, hotels, and tour costs, we just couldn’t afford it.” explained husband Danny. “And then we looked at Ulpan Gordon, and it met all of our needs. It basically feels like France but with better weather.”

The Daily Freier also  spoke with Danny’s wife Smadar in the school courtyard as she smoked cigarettes, drank coffee and chatted with her classmates in French during break.  “Our kids have been studying French in school for 3 years.  But they’re surrounded by too much Hebrew in the home and can never practice.  Ulpan Gordon fixed that.  The kids are able to cross-talk with their classmates in French the entire class. I mean, sure the teacher tried to get them to speak in Hebrew, but after a while she kinda gave up.”

Danny and Smadar had to cut the interview short and return to class because they were scheduled to watch a Jerry Lewis film followed by a movie set in Netanya.

Save

Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv Post by Woman Who Found Mystery Boxers in Her Laundry Leads to Long Term Relationship, Restraining Orders

Screen Shot 2019-02-07 at 11.48.44 AM(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

(EDITOR’S NOTE:  Based on a True Story!)

(We made it all up. Except for the part where somebody on Secret Tel Aviv posted a  pic of some dude’s boxers that she found in her laundry. That’s real. –The Freier Legal Dept.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/13/2016 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaBima: Israel’s modern day Cinderella story has turned from happiness to cautionary urban tale. It all started with a post on popular website Secret Tel Aviv, in which Canadian Olah Lisa K. wrote about the pair of men’s boxers she found mixed in with her clothes upon return from a local laundry service. This post in turn led to a series of replies from concerned locals that almost crashed Secret Tel Aviv’s server. But in the end, it also led to a long-term relationship with local guy Shlomi D, followed by court-ordered restraining orders against one another. The Daily Freier sat down with Shlomi for his take on this unfolding tragedy.

“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”

Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house.  But he had to work the next morning.  So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home.  Some people have a walk of shame.  I had a Car Pool of shame.”

Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry.  So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”

Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big.  And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”

In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”

Fallout from the post continues to be felt across the State of Israel. Upon reading the original post, experts from the Technion concluded that this in fact brought Secret Tel Aviv one step closer to becoming a self-aware entity capable of generating its own absurd posts independent of human input. Additionally, the Daily Freier was embarrassed to admit that by failing to anticipate this scenario, it is now forced to update its Random Secret Tel Aviv Post Generator.

According to well-placed sources within Lisa’s circle of friends, the restraining orders have not prevented at least two incidents of “sex with the ex” since January.

Save

Aliyah, Fashion, Mossad

Olah Hadasha Offended that Mossad Agent Using Her UK Passport Wears Sidebangs with Frosted Tips

untitled2-1(Photo Credit: Our friends at the Dubai Police Department)

By Emily Goldstein, with Manu H.

Last Updated 1/24/2016 at 12:30 PM

Ramat Aviv- Recent immigrant Hannah G. is not happy. With the public disclosure that Mossad agents have been using the identities and altered passports of new arrivals from Western European nations, Hannah has learned that her United Kingdom passport has reportedly been used during an operation in a Gulf State. And to make matters worse, the alleged Mossad agent took certain fashion liberties in her passport photo that have left Hannah feeling violated and offended. “So in her passport photo, she somehow manages to wear a hairstyle that combines sidebangs AND frosted tips. Oh and her roots are showing.  I bet she chews her gum like REALLY REALLY loud. This is a nightmare. It’s as If I’ve had my identity stolen. By an Essex girl.”

Hannah continued to vent about the ensemble that the un-named agent wore in a leaked hotel surveillance video. “And what she was wearing on the security video??? That blouse is a Hate Crime.”  When the Daily Freier asked Hannah if she also worried about the wider political fallout for ex-pats whose identity had been compromised, Hannah snapped back “I think we are all ignoring the real crime here. She looks ridiculous in that scarf. and SHES USING MY NAME!!!”

While the last several days have been personally difficult for Hannah, there has been a silver lining. “On the up-side, I got pulled over for speeding on Ayalon Highway yesterday and the policemen looked at my ID, looked at me, looked at the ID again, gave a discreet salute, and walked off. No ticket! Yay!!”

When asked if she had a message for the Mossad Agent who stole her identity, Hannah was adamant. “Hey! Y2K called and it wants its hairstyle back. And oh yeah. I’m judging you right now…..Literally!”

Dogs

“Our Dogs Were Not Compatible” Now Acceptable Grounds for Divorce at Tel Aviv District Court

getty_rf_photo_of_dog_sitting_between_couple

(Photo Credit: Getty Images)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 1/8/2016 at 11:10 AM

Tel Aviv, Weizmann: In a sign of the changing times that we live in, Tel Aviv’s Municipal Court is amending its laws for approving the granting of a divorce. Starting January 1st, “Our Dogs Were Not Compatible” is now a legally binding grounds for divorce under the civil laws of the State of Israel for couples who have resided within Tel Aviv city limits for at least one calendar year. 

“Think of this as the Judicial System meeting a remarkably self-absorbed city halfway.” explained Senior Judge Yekutiel S. “The court is also currently contemplating whether to permit a divorce when one partner states that they want to move north of the Yarkon River or East of Ayalon Highway.”

In order to get a sense of the human side of this ruling, the Daily Freier spoke to the unfortunate litigants of a civil divorce as they departed the courtroom.

“When I first met Danny, everything was great.” explained a tearful Smadar R. “He seemed to really like Chris, my Lhasa Apso. But then six months after we got married he decided he wanted a chocolate lab. He said he always wanted one growing up in America.  I told him that this would make Chris upset.  And besides, by then it was illegal in the city to own a normal sized dog. But no. He just HAD to have a chocolate lab.  And yada yada yada we’re here in divorce court.”

After Smadar’s departure, the Daily Freier was able to have some words with Danny as well. “Really?” he noted sarcastically; “She’s still going on about Chris?  Did I mention that Chris has its own dog therapist?  Second of all, she named her dog Chris.  WTF? Like Who does that?  And with her accent it was always ‘Kreees! Kreees!‘ I still hear that shit in my sleep…..Wait, did she ask anything else about me?”

In order to prevent circumvention of the law by parties that did not meet residency requirements, the Court requires extensive documentation of Tel Aviv residency. However, the Court has a number of venues to establish proof of residency to include Arnona bills, old bracelets from Biggie Z, screenshots of  a blog you started and then stopped when you made Aliyah, archived questions that you asked on Secret Tel Aviv (Asking “on behalf of a friend” is also accepted), and a sworn/notarized statement from your juice guy that he saw you around a lot.

For a moment, The Daily Freier thought about writing a little about the Beit Din, but the last time we did that we got jumped by a bunch of yeshiva bochers and now we can’t go back to Tzfat any more.