Tag: Aliyah

Aliyah, Hebrew September 27, 2016August 13, 2020

American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 Years

Jeff Schwartz 2

(Editor’s Note: See the video version of this article here!)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2016 at 5:45 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Today the Daily Freier shares a story of setbacks, the Triumph of the Human Spirit, and an inability to memorize basic verb forms. Now entering his 8th year in Kita Bet, Oleh Not-So-Hadash Jeff S. is still unable to pass the end of course exam, and is thus trapped inside of the Ulpan Gordon Language School in Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff during his 10 AM break.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” wondered Jeff. “It just feels like I’m in some sort of rut. I mean, my Hebrew hasn’t really improved since Obama’s first Term, but then again my conversational Russian and French are really getting good!”

Despite Jeff’s failings as a student, the dedicated faculty have not given up on him. When he finally mastered Past Tense Verbs last year, the teachers threw him a party. “It was kind of like a Bar Mitzvah.” explained Ulpan Gordon’s Principal, wiping away tears. “And when he made the Bracha on the wine, he was just as illiterate as he was back in 2009.”

Unable to graduate and thus depart the premises, Jeff survives from day-to-day on the snack bar, occasional birthday cake, and emergency rations from the U.S. Embassy Citizens’ Services Section. Various Birthright tours passing through drop off messages from his family, as well as Hebrew flashcards.

The years of isolation have taken their toll on Jeff. He currently makes cultural reference from the 2000’s Decade, to include “Friendster“, “You’re Fired“, and “The OC“. He is currently unaware of Post-First Generation iPhones. His “Arrested Development” quotes are still funny though.

Jeff has become somewhat of an institution at Ulpan Gordon. His current teacher, Shirli, is in fact the daughter of his first teacher in 2009, Nava. “B’zrat HaShem, some day my granddaughter or grandson will teach him.” mused Nava. Shirli also shared her mother’s affection for Jeff. “He gets along really well with my family. My five-year old Uri adores him. But lately, Uri’s been expanding his vocabulary and finds their conversations somewhat limited and a bit boring.”

In addition to Jeff’s friendships with the faculty, he has managed to maintain somewhat of a social life as well. In 2010, Jeff dated, married, and got divorced from a French Olah in his class. Nava explained the situation to us. “We held the reception in the auditorium. We had soda, cake, and a slide show. It was actually quite tasteful.” In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier contacted Joane, Jeff’s ex. “I really enjoyed class with Jeff. But he was never there for me to help around the house.” explained Joane.

Many people wonder just how this tragedy has been allowed to go on so long. The Daily Freier contacted the Misrad HaKlitah (Ministry of Absorbtion) to find out. “Normally, recent immigrants are only granted 5 months of free Hebrew lessons.” explained Uzi, from the Front Desk. “But we really just want to see where this ends up. So every 5 months we extend his benefits. We actually have a bit of a betting pool going.” Uzi then lowered his voice to a whisper and leaned in closer to us. “By the way, just curious, but when you saw him, was he able to name all of the Hebrew Vowels yet?”

The Daily Freier then contacted Nefesh B’Nefesh to demand answers on how they allowed this situation to continue. A Dati Leumi woman from their Jerusalem Office named BatSheva or Elisheva or JustSheva answered our phone call. “Whenever an Oleh from North America stays here more than six months without moving back, we consider this a win. So he’s really good for our statistics.”

UPDATE: The IDF mounted a clandestine operation this evening to rescue Jeff from Ulpan Gordon, as they have a Squad Leader position in their Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit that needs to be filled.

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Judaism August 28, 2016August 28, 2016

Welcome to Tzfat! Now go Home.

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Secret Tel Aviv, Start Up Nation July 30, 2016

Now you can sweat like a local with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” App!

(Photo Credit: We totally came up with this ourselves- The Freier Legal Department)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/30/2016 at 5:30 PM

Yafo: The City’s tech community is kinda excited right now about the hottest app on the streets: “Secretion Tel Aviv“. This breakthrough technology allows you to ‘sweat like a local’ by monitoring your activity, food intake, choice of clothing, and caffeine levels. The Daily Freier talked with the “Secretion Tel Aviv” Start-Up team as they took a break from a rigorously playing ping-pong on a roof in Yafo.

“A lot of times, Olim get to Tel Aviv and feel intimidated. They’re at the beach. They’re trying to impress the locals.” explained lead technician Jered B. “They’re sweating a lot. But guess what? It’s Diaspora sweat. Not the same. You want the pheromones? You need to go local.”

Jered led the Daily Freier downstairs to their product development suite, and showed us the rigorous tests that the product has gone through. Sitting side by side on a couch in a room without very good air conditioning were two gentlemen: a shirtless, heavyset guy eating bamba named Motti (who was in fact the Building’s Vaad Bayit), and a nervous, Oleh named Joshua wearing an Emory University T-Shirt and a pooka shell necklace. Each had wires attached to his forehead, wrists, and chest that were hooked up to some sort of monitor. “So you see Motti over there? His sweat is amazing. Like the Gold Standard. His diet of coffee, hummus, bamba, and chopped salad produces the perfect mix…..On the other hand, Joshua is still sweating like a Galut…. Now watch this…..”

As an assistant checked the monitor, Jered fed Joshua some bamba with Cofix coffee, and then handed him a lit spliff. We waited 5 minutes and then checked the monitors as well as the App version on Jered’s I-Phone. “So according to the monitors, Joshua’s sweat passed ‘Oleh’ levels, is approaching ‘I spent a year in MASA’, and may even break into ‘Lone Soldier’ territory.” And the Daily Freier had to admit that his Hebrew sounded better also.

The Secretion Tel Aviv App is now available on I-Tunes, but the juice guy on the corner says he can download you a better version if you stop by.

Aliyah, Hebrew, The IDF July 24, 2016April 25, 2018

IDF unveils Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/15/2016 at 3:10 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Responding to published reports, the IDF acknowledged the existence of a previously secret unit: an Olah Hadashah Code Talking unit. Inspired by the famed Navajo Code Talkers of World War II who confused the Japanese Army by speaking in a dialect known only to members of their tribe, there is now a unit comprised specifically of women who have recently immigrated from North America. And Operation Yeleda Lavana has so far been an amazing success, confusing and confounding Israel’s enemies. The Daily Freier was able to somehow secure press credentials and sit in on a Press Conference at the Kirya.

IDF Spokesperson Elad L. explained that despite the natural talents of the recruits, extra training was provided by experts in not being understood in Hebrew, to include Israeli Basketball legend Tal Brody. When asked why there was not a Code Talker unit of Olim Hadashim, Elad explained that there was only so many times that one can say “Bro” in a radio conversation before it loses its meaning. Finally, Elad played an excerpt of an actual radio exchange from the team.

———————————–

Operator 1: Gimmel Matayim Shalosh? Zot Rachel, Wait, I mean Aleph Arbaim ve Shmonay.

Operator 2: Lo shamati. Lo shamati.

Operator 1: Eych omrim command post?

Operator 2 (whispering): OMG my mefaked is So. Hot.

Unknown Male Voice: Pardon me you Zionist She-Jackals. This is Ali. You know, from Hezbollah. I am sorry to interrupt but I must correct your use of future tense with the Peh-Gronit. You appear to be using the incorrect Binyan in your conversation. It is incredibly difficult for me to even follow this dialogue, and I respectfully ask that you stick to Standard Modern Hebrew. Again, I apologize for the interruption to your hegemonic Zionist conversation. Please continue.

Operator 1: Aval like Lo hevanti?

——————————

Elad admitted that Operation Yeleda Lavana experienced a work stoppage this week after the sushi place on Ibn Gavriol stopped delivering.

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Aliyah, Hebrew July 19, 2016May 12, 2017

Eyal Golan opens new class for Olim at Ulpan Gordon

(Photo Credit: backtotheroots.weebly.com)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/19/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Taking part in an innovative program of the Misrad HaKlitah aimed at welcoming new Olim and helping them adapt to Israeli culture, famous singer Eyal Golan opens his class in Ulpan Gordon next month. The class will take place once a week and will help students to learn Hebrew in a fun way by translating and singing songs of the popular singer (a Mizrachi style hand clapping tutorial will also be provided).

On behalf of Mr. Golan, his spokesperson Roy told us a bit about the education program, which is rumoured to be quite hands-on. “The program is based on Eyal’s albums and divided into several levels:

1. Look at me (הסתכלי אלי) – Levels Alef and Alef Plus
2. You touched my heart (נגעת לי בלב) – Alef Plus-Plus students, who have learned past tense
3. Soldier of Love (חייל של אהבה) – Level Bet
4. Whisper in the Night (לחישה בלילה) – for Advanced Students, personally selected by Eyal

“This class is more suitable for single women, but other students are also (sort of) welcome.” added Roy. Mr. Golan’s Insurance Provider still has not signed off on his participation, due to certain totally unfounded rumors in the past. However, many female students at Ulpan Gordon are already thrilled and getting ready to hold a protest in Kikar Rabin to support the program.

Are there going to be any tests to join the class? “Eyal looks forward to seeing all students at his classes, but French and South American accents seem to be more inspiring for him. You know, he has already gotten tired of Russian accents.” said Roy after a few free shots (chasers we mean!) of Arak.

Aliyah, Guest Writer Wednesday, Hebrew June 29, 2016December 28, 2020

Canadian Olah curious about this “Alan” guy everyone mentions

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/29/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv: Let’s be objective – Hebrew isn’t the easiest language to learn. For some reason, “table”(shul’chan) is a boy and “chair” (kisey) is a girl. Kind of sexist, don’t you think so? At the same time, “head” (rosh) is also a boy, but “stomach” (beten) is a girl. And then it’s time to conjugate….

However, the most captivating (and promising) word for new Canadian Olah Emily S. was “Alan”. In fact, Emily thought that Alan was a mysterious, powerful (and hopefully single!) Jew who owns all the bars and falafel kiosks in Tel Aviv.

“No matter where you go, everyone’s greeting is ‘Alan’ which sounds more like ‘Ahla’, but maybe that’s just the accent. Who is that guy? Where can I find him?” wondered Emily, as she kept on wandering from one bar on Dizengoff street to another, until she decided to finally “ask for a friend” on Secret Tel Aviv.

After receiving 27 unrelated questions about a bus schedule on Shabbat, 56 friend requests and 116 messages offering to “Netflix and Chill” in Kfar Saba, she found out that “Ahalan” is just a greeting, meaning “Ugh, another customer is going to eat my brains, what the heck do you want from me?” (Mandatory Spoiler Alert: It actually derives from the word for “Welcome” in Arabic. So entries in the comments section explaining our ignorance are unnecessary…..but still welcome!)

This newfound knowledge definitely didn’t make Emily’s Aliyah struggles any better and she has even started thinking of moving back to Canada. Keep Olim, Nefesh B’Neshesh and some random strangers from Allenby street have decided to help Emily, but they don’t know how. Therefore, we count on your wisdom, dear readers, to help Emily solve her dilemma.

Aliyah, Cofix, Hebrew June 8, 2016September 30, 2016

Cofix launches Aleph-Bet Soup for Olim

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/8/2016 at 4:10 PM

Tel Aviv: Battle-scarred and cash-strapped Olim have found an unusual ally in their challenge to master the Hebrew language – budget coffee retailer Cofix. The ‘Starbucks for the Poor’ chain has this week unveiled a new product – HASH – or Hot Alphabet Soup in Hebrew, so that Olim can eat and learn at the same time.

Early signs are promising and threatening to the more traditional routes of learning at one of the city’s many Ulpan language courses.

For a cool five shekels, the hoards of new arrivals can get ahold of a menu designed to help them get past level Aleph before their 60th birthday. The menu boasts the delightful:

1. Mem-estroni, filled with croutons showing the difference between Final Mem and Samech
2. Chicken soup for the Shin
3. C-Lamed Chowder
4. A noodle soup with different noodle lengths to help novices understand Yud (Baby Final Nun), Vav (the middle brother) and Final Nun himself.

“Admittedly, I felt a little sensitive about ordering ‘HASH’ at a coffee shop. This is a liberal city but it ain’t Amsterdam.” said Luton-born Oleh Roy Freeman. “Still, it is a good start. I also bought some falafel in the shape of vowels. This was all really welcome because just last week I asked for a glass of water (Cos Mayim) but instead demanded a Cus Mayim. [This is a family newspaper so the non Hebrew speakers will need to look this one up themselves- the Editors] ….. The waitress was not too horrified.”

Canadian Morty Caplan added: “What a great idea. Easily beats a book for learning. I haven’t learned the letters since my Bar Mitzvah, some 50 years ago, and it showed when I wandered into AM:PM to ask for a punnet of strawberries. While grapes – anavim – is only one letter away from what I asked for – aravim – it was a little embarrassing as apparently Arabs don’t come in punnets. I forgot my receipt in a hurry.”

In response, Ulpan Gordon pushed the boat out and bought a packet of biscuits and some Fuze Tea for their Class Bet.

Aliyah, The IDF June 5, 2016January 23, 2018

Lone Soldier has “No Idea” where Roommate’s Food Went

Lone Soldier totally not stealing your food By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/5/2016 at 11:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Frischman: Tel Aviv resident Rachel G. is at her wit’s end. After returning from a weekend in Haifa, her refrigerator is empty. And nobody has been in the apartment except her roommate Danny, a Lone Soldier. Yet Danny has told her that the status of the food is a mystery to him as well.

“I just don’t get it.” Rachel explained. “I mean, we didn’t know each other before he responded to my ad on Secret Tel Aviv, but we get along fine. He’s been really good about finding things on the street for the apartment. Just last week he found a mattress, a yoga mat, and a guitar. And when my parents were in town, he was totally cool with coming to dinner with us at Sarona Market. I mean, they paid, but still.” Rachel continued to mull over the situation. “I just feel betrayed. You know, it’s the ketchup packets from Burger Ranch that hurts the most.”

Fellow Lone soldier Jeremy C. shared his suspicions with the daily Freier. “I guess I figured something was up when I stopped by to play Xbox and he offered me a tuna sandwich. Also, he has a new hat. Yeah, something just doesn’t make sense.”

When Jeremy confronted him about his sudden sandwich-production capability, Danny’s alibi was that he already has “lots of canned food that he stole from miluim last week“. Which has the ring of truth to it.

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Aliyah, Dating and Relationships, Guest Writer Wednesday May 18, 2016November 29, 2023

Ukrainian Olah suspects Israeli-American boyfriend is actually just Israeli

(Based on a True Story! Almost!)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 5/11/2016 at 10:00 AM

Bat Yam: Ukrainian Olah Natasha G. moved to Bat Yam four months ago to find a husband. “My grandma Baba told me Jews are good husbands.” explained Natasha as she shopped at Azrieli mall. “Baba knows what she is talking about – one of her husbands was a Jew.” Natasha stopped for a moment to fix her pink lipstick. “So, I met this guy on OkCipud. It’s not like Tinder or anything. OkCupid is for serious relationships, right?” Natasha arched her freshly drawn eyebrows. “So his name is Omer and he wrote in his profile that he lives in New York, and he told me that he is an Israeli-American and runs a start-up. I thought to myself – this is destiny!”

“We’ve been together for a month, but I started suspecting his story because his English sucks. Not that mine was perfect, but if he was an Israeli-American, he would be kinda fluent in English, right?” The Daily Freier Guest Reporter didn’t have a chance to find out what was wrong with Mr. Omer the Boyfriend’s English, because Natasha saw a special offer “Second item – half price” and we lost her somewhere in H&M.

To find out the truth, the Freier Guest Reporter stalked Omer on Facebook and met him for a beer (“to sit on the beer” as he explained). “U spik Hibrow, no?” inquired Omer. “Hawo much taym U heer?” Omer told me he always says to non-Americans that he is half American. “The idea of an extra passport doesn’t hurt.” said Omer winking. We wanted to ask Omer what happens if a girl finds out but he saw his old army friend in the other corner of the bar and ran to him screaming “Ma kore, achi?!?” so we had to spend the rest of the evening swiping pictures on Tinder.

Aliyah, Hebrew May 16, 2016March 22, 2018

Israel admits that Hebrew Vowels are just a 50 Year Prank on Olim

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 5/16/2016 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, Givat Ram: Government and Academic sources, speaking at a Conference held at the Academy of the Hebrew Language, made an astonishing admission today: that the use of Vowels in Hebrew is just one giant punk on Olim.

“Honestly, we never thought it would go on this long.” chuckled Professor Binyamin M. “After the Six Day War, a lot of Western Olim started showing up to volunteer, and some of the Kibbutzniks thought it would be funny to tell them that there were special invisible dots and lines underneath the letters that they can’t see but that they must say. And they went along with it! I guess the Emperor really wears no clothes.”

President Rivlin, who was on site to present an award for the best new Hebrew playwright, couldn’t contain his laughter. “It’s all a joke! Kamatz, Patach, Segol. We even wondered if we could force Olim to draw a Tic-Tac-Toe Board, so we made up the Shuruk! Good times!”

The Academy explained that when an Oleh does something particularly Israeli, they hold a secret ceremony and read them into the joke. Jessica, a Canadian Olah Hadashah who recently screamed at a man on an electric bicycle for 5 minutes without letting go of the 11 dogs she was walking, while eating a sandwich and keeping up with 2 Whats-App Group conversations before finally ending the argument and discreetly giving the man her phone number, explained. “So yeah, after my little “incident”, the head of Misrad HaKlita brought me to Hebrew University for the ceremony.” When the Daily Freier asked Jessica if she could describe the ceremony, she insisted that she had been sworn to secrecy. When the Daily Freier asked her if the ceremony involved hummus, she changed the subject.

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.