Ramat Aviv: In what experts are calling a huge victory against Israel, Boycott/Divest/Sanctions (BDS) Founder/Qatari Exchange Student Omar Barghouti has decided today to avoid the eateries at Tel Aviv University and instead bring a bag lunch from home. In between trying to replace Israel with a Palestinian State, Mr. Barghouti has found time to matriculate at the Zionist Entity’s Tel Aviv University, where he is a PhD candidate in the Chutzpadik Department (Ha Ha! Just Kidding! But not really!).
Mr. Barghouti, who normally boycotts Israeli media because they have cooties, spoke with the Daily Freier after we put on a Rage Against the Machine T-Shirt and a keffiyeh and tricked him into thinking we were just another goofy Tel Aviv leftist from +972. Mr. Barghouti then explained his moral stand against Israel. “Today I refuse to eat at the campus McDonald’s. I refuse to go to the cafeteria in the Sports Center with the nice ready-made avocado sandwiches. Nor will I go to the Aroma with those cute little chocolates that they give away with every coffee. Nor will I go to that debauched beer cart with all of the degenerates in the middle of the Campus Quad. No, today I take a stand and bring a bag lunch from home consisting of Osem chips, and leftover Burger Ranch from last night. Thus are the sacrifices of a Campus Revolutionary like myself.”
When the Daily Freier asked Mr. Barghouti if he might build on today’s success and continue the food boycott tomorrow, he looked at us with disdain. “And miss out on Taco Tuesday at the University Food Court??? No I don’t think so.“
Jerusalem: In a world of naff abbreviations, memes and soundbites, the Israeli Knesset this week debated a motion brought by rebel MKs on the benefits of an Israeli ‘MExit‘: an exit from the Middle East.
Seeing how all the talk of a ‘Brexit‘ (British Exit) in Europe has engaged an apathetic British public from its political slumber and scared the bejesus heck out of the European Union, the Israeli PM agreed to the debate, which raged well into Friday night. Drunken new Defense Minister Avigdor ‘the Tom Jones of Odessa’ Lieberman cried into his vodka: “I don’t want to move but at least we would not have to find a lousy Eurovision entry. It’s humiliating. Like Arafat in a thong.”
One of the more sensible suggestions was to charter 2,300 El Al flights, 43,000 kosher meals and take Israeli citizens on a junket to northern Thailand – where most seem to spend their post-army travels and run travel agencies.
Another suggestion was to fit all of the Holy Land inside two streets in a Shanghai suburb, which raised the prospect of Tel Avivians enjoying Chinese food that was actually good.
A third and more challenging option, was to transfer the Jewish people to Mars. Whilst this idea drew widespread support in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, and among the BDS movement, there was also a great deal of support WITHIN Israel as real estate giant Shikun & Binui immediately applied for planning permission to build affordable high-rises on the red planet. Marketing the development as ‘Eilat in the Sky,’ young Israelis were also excited, as it seems they don’t actually enjoy paying more than 4,000 shekels a month for a studio as large as a border collie. With nothing to grow, nothing to do and an atmosphere lacking breathable air, Mars is using advertising slogans from the Beersheba tourist board. Discussions broke down after participants learned that the Palestinians claim Mars was actually originally theirs.
There was also excitement in Israel to the sweet idea recently proposed by a British MP that Israel should be moved to the United States of America. “It would fit inside New Jersey” shrieked one excited Israeli, in a three kilometer line for Green Cards at the U.S. Embassy.
Upon the news, everyone’s dreaded President-Elect Donald Trump escorted the U.S. navy to patrol the seas off Ellis Island, carrying a Monty Pythonesque placard saying: “What have the bloody Jews ever done for us?” before being counter-sued by his son-in-law Jared Kushner.
As morning rolled around, Bibi called UK Prime Minister David Cameron to see if he would consider a land swap. The UK would return to supervise the land of Israel while Israelis moved into their relatives’ homes in Hendon and Golders Green. Netanyahu also said Dana International could stay and sing for the UK in next year’s Eurovision. David Cameron, vehemently against a Brexit, was said to be considering such a sweetener.
Ramat Aviv: QatariBoycott Divest and Sanctions mascot Omar Barghouti is in a bit of a conundrum lately, as the country he is trying to take down through lawfare apparently is not being terribly helpful with his travel permits. Barghouti, who is a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University when he is not trying to destroy the country that funds his education, has lately turned to Nefesh B’Nefesh to help straighten things out. The Daily Freier got a copy of Barghouti’s letter to Nefesh B’Nefesh by pestering their receptionist for 30 minutes until she gave it to us if we would just go away.
Greetings Facilitators of the Ongoing Illegal Occupation of the 1948 Territories,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing your Entity because I hear that you know how to “grease the wheels” of the bureaucracy for Semites who wish to live here. So Please help. You’re a Semite. And I am also a Semite…. who dislikes certain other Semites. But that is neither here nor there. The Bottom Line is that my Inalienable Right to attend overseas conferences and be feted as the awesome guy that I am is being jeopardized. Besides, Max Blumenthal owes me 30 Bucks and if I can catch up with him at the Berkeley Confab I am pretty sure I can collect. Anyhoo, hook me up. Because if I am not allowed to travel overseas it would be a total disaster. Or, you know, a Naqba.
Reaction to Mr. Barghouti’s letter has been mixed, with some very strong opinions. Alert Local Ronit S. described her reaction. “Wow. The idea that a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University would seek to destroy the very State that is providing his education is a complete shock…. to anyone who has never been to Tel Aviv University.“
Word on the street is that if Mr. Barghouti’s current plan doesn’t work, he will sneak in and out of the country on Birthright Tours.
Edgeware Spaceport: Leaked reports from today’s Conservative Party Conference point to a sinister plot to destroy its rivals: create a team of unpleasant and obtuse androids, send them through a Black Hole to the Earth Year 2016, program them to infiltrate the Labour Party, and destroy the Party from within by making it an international laughingstock.
Prime Minister Beckham held a news conference where he denounced these plans; “We fully and forcefully denounce this treacherous attempt to preemptively destroy the Coalition by ensuring that it never existed. We denounce the creation of the Corbynborg, designed to seek out unsavoury Hezbollah and Hamas “friends” for tea. We stand fully against the Gallowayback Machine, allegedly programmed to annoy even its friends while it dresses as a cat. And we deplore the planned RedKen 2000, and its obsession with a certain Austrian Corporal from the mid-20th Century.”
The Conservative Party for its part denied all charges, with MP Styles pushing back at the accusations. “These charges are ridiculous on their face. No serious Party would let itself get taken over by such a group of clowns, no matter how sophisticated you programmed them. This is simply another fantasy invented by the Prime Minister and Lord Mayor Russel Brand.”
Martha L. Minow, Dean, Harvard Law School
1525 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, MA 02138
Phone: 617-495-4601 @Harvard_Law
Greetings and Salutations from the Daily Freier, reporting in concert with Brian of London, live from the Zionist Entity Known as Israel!
We wish to express our concerns about a recent event at your institution, specifically, “The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict and the US Negotiation Lessons and Possibilities” held on Thursday, April 14, 7 pm, Austin Hall, Room 100 and featuring Israeli politician Tzipi Livni and former U.S. Envoy Dennis Ross. Specifically, we are concerned that people are going to find out that at this event, a Harvard Law student named Husam El-Qoulaq asked Ms. Livni “why she was so smelly.”
Dean Minow, our greatest fear is that Husam El-Qoulaq’s name somehow becomes attached to the antisemitic incident in question, where he told Israeli politician Tzipi Livni that she smelled bad in a public event. I mean, if his (Husam El-Qoulaq, Harvard Law. Sometimes spelled ‘Coolaq’) name was to be associated with this incident (antisemitic!), it may impact his Constitutional Right to make obscene amounts of money post-graduation in Corporate America. More importantly, associating Husam El-Qoulaq’s (Harvard Law) name with an Antisemitic (against Tzipi Livni) incident would send the dangerous message to your students that actions have consequences, and that words have meaning. And none of us want that.
In addition, we fear that Harvard Law may be unfairly tarred for hiding the name of the offending party (Husam El-Qoulaq, Harvard Law. Sometimes spelled Coolaq). Therefore, we implore you to continue to not release Husam El-Qoulaq’s name in association with the incident at Harvard Law on 14 April 2016 in which he used an antisemitic slur against Tzipi Livni. We applaud the fact that your organization has removed Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq’s anti-Jewish remarks from YouTube. Additionally, we applaud that you did not release the name of the offending party, you know, Husam El-Qoulaq…. Of Harvard Law. The one who publicly disrespected a visitor (Tzipi Livni!) in an Academic Setting.
We also want to provide honorable mention to Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq himself, who appears busy as a beaver (can we say that? Is that cultural appropriation against beavers?) scrubbing his online profiles of anything that could connect him (Husam El-Qoulaq, also spelled “Coolaq”) to an Antisemitic incident. Which is why we commend him for currently hiding online evidence of his (Husam El-Qoulaq!) BDS work when he was an undergrad at UC Berkeley. We also commend Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq for scrubbing the Internets and the Googles of any evidence of his Leadership position in Harvard’s BDS Movement…BTW, color us shocked (Shocked!) that Mr. El-Qoulaq was also a leader in Harvard’s BDS Movement. I mean, it’s just counter-intuitive that there would be, like, ANY overlap between the BDS Movement and Antisemitic speech! Who Knew????
We also wish to commend Mr. Husam El Qoulaq for his apology, where he did not provide his name, but informed the public that they should reach out to him (Reach out to whom you ask? Husam El-Qoulaq! For what? An Antisemitic incident at Harvard Law on April 14, 2016! Against Tzipi Livni!). Bonus points that he mentioned that he has Jewish friends! LOL! (Just to break character for a moment: We’ve seen more sincere mea culpas from O.J. Simpson.)
So in the spirit of moving on, we propose that maybe instead of naming Husam El-Qoulaq as the guy who made an Anti-Jewish comment to Tipi Livni on April 14 2016, that we instead replace his name (Husam El-Qoulaq!) with a symbol. Maybe we can brainstorm this. Perhaps something like this:
…. Except instead of a symbol imagining a magical human being and artist who made the world happy for 40 years, this symbol would signify a privileged (!) crybully who sounds like he’s about to spill the beans on matzoh’s special ingredient.
Now we all know how the Internets work, so we implore you and anybody reading this: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES FORWARD THIS LETTER! Not via email, not Facebook, Not Twitter, nor by Google Plus (OK OK, Google Plus doesn’t really matter). The worst-case scenario would be if it somehow went viral. That Husam El-Qoulaq. Harvard Law. Made an antisemitic Statement. Against Tzipi Livni. That she smelled bad. On 14 April 2016. At Harvard Law.
So, here’s the thing. There’s no easy way to say this. We Need Your Help. We’re going to say two words. BARRY. MANILOW. In Concert. Tel Aviv. Israel. June 30th (OK, that’s like 8 words). Which has left us in the uncomfortable position of rethinking our stance on the BDS Movement. Like maybe we can meet you guys half-way.
Bottom Line: You need to stop this shit. NOW.
We know you can do this. We’ve seen you in action. You convinced highly talented, highly nuts singer Lauryn Hill to cancel her Israel tour (What’s her beef with the Jooz anyway? Was it a Jewish accountant who told her that paying your income tax was optional?). Same with Elvis Costello, whose dedication to “peace and justice” appears to be a bit of a new thing for him.
Anyhoo, we are like begging you. And we’re willing to lend a hand. Tell us what you need. Social Media? Stuffing envelopes? An angry mob? We’re there! Teaming up with George Galloway in solidarity wi…. well, no. Not so much.
Help us Obi-Waters Kenobi, you’re our only Hope.
The Daily Freier
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.