So our A-Ma-Zing Bestie just got out of a toxic (Literally Toxic. Like, chlorine gas toxic) long-term relationship and she’s ready to meet That Special Someone. She’s a single mom in her late 40’s but can easily pass for late 30’s! Honestly, she has a weakness for tall dorky guys, so here’s your chance fellas! She loves cooking, shopping, traveling, and moving funds in increments lower than the U.S. Justice Department’s $10,000 Threshold. She’s a Leo, so you Capricorns and Virgos might be out of luck (But calling all you cute Aries guys!). Some of her Turn-Offs are Rude People, Gossip, and The Hague.
She could totally fall for a nice family-oriented Mizrahi guy or even a London guy… she still knows all the best cafes near Hampstead Heath!
Must be OK with spontaneity, like dancing in a fountain at midnight, singing karaoke (Spice Girls and anything Robbie Williams are her 90’s faves!) trying to dodge an unmarked car that’s tailing you in traffic, or relocating to a safe house with 30 minutes notice.
Serious inquiries only, no Tel Aviv f*ckboys please. Also, no Russian speakers or ophthalmologists (Sorry!)
Tel Aviv: The Daily Freier has run afoul of journalistic standards and now faces public censure. What started as a fanciful satirical vignette about “a guy who goes on the popular local Facebook group ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ during wartime in order to get some action” has descended into an object lesson in journalistic malpractice. You see, had the Daily Freier bothered to check the Internets and the Googles this morning, we would have noticed “a guy who goes on the popular local Facebook group ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ during wartime in order to get some action”. Something like this has never happened to us in the 9-year history of our newspaper. Except that time. Also that time. And that other time.
The Daily Freier tracked down our editor Yuval Weiss about this scandal as he walked to synagogue and tried to claim that he couldn’t comment “because it’s Shabbat.” Mr. Weiss reminded us that trying to get laid on Secret Tel Aviv during a crisis was popularized during Corona and that this was not a big deal. Then he told us to go away.
On the Bright Side, it’s 2014 again in the Daily Freier’s collective mind: Hamas is shooting missiles at us, Taylor Swift is dating someone exciting, and Secret Tel Aviv is delightfully weird after becoming annoyingly basic for a while. Keep it up Jonny!
Welcome back to “Dear Daily Freier”, an advice column run by the remarkably unqualified! This week we take the questions of our favorite pen pal, Sari Ellen, who has some issues with a certain jerk Transportation App….
Dear Daily Freier:Hi-oosh!! So last Thursday night, last minute, there was an ad in my girls-only WhatsApp group for a Female Side of the Moon/Cacao Ceremony/Sound Bath Ritual. Only 500 sheks!! WOW!! I hadn’t had a Sound Bath in a week, so I was, like, yalla!!
I paid. Got my e-ticket. Yada yada yada.
I quickly stripped off two layers of clothes; then added the big boots, nine chains and my shih tzu, Schmutzy. I was on my way.
Problem arose when I opened my Moovit app so it could do its thing directing me to the appropriate bus.
In the sweet early days when Moovit and I first got together, Moovit had been super supportive. I’d paid for the ad-free version and Moovit seemed genuinely fascinated by wherever I wanted to go. Moovit listened, he really listened. Noted my preferences. Repeatedly asked when, and precisely how, I yearned to arrive. I’d type in my destination and Moovit figured out the rest. We just worked. No interruptions. No digressions into Incognito Mode to sneak off with another rider. I didn’t think I was misreading the signals. Moovit seemed to be truly madly deeply focused on me.
I wondered, could Moovit be The One? The app of my dreams? Should I tell my folks in New Jersey? I couldn’t have been happier. Our interaction was satisfying, like pure pleasure. And so, last Thursday, when I told Moovit where I wanted to go, same as I had many times before, the only thing I expected was yet another smooth easy ride.
As always, Moovit set out the route from my home to the closest bus stop. Then Moovit told me when my bus would arrive. I did my share, too. Made it to the bus stop on time. Patiently waited. Six minutes. Five minutes. Four minutes. Three minutes. Two minutes. One minute. Then Moovit said “Now.” Y’know how that goes, right? My bus was coming “Now.”
Only no bus ever came. I stared into the distance. Gajillion trucks, buses, cars, vans, motorcycles, e-bikes, scooters. Everything but the bus I was expecting. I couldn’t believe Moovit would let me down. For another five minutes Moovit insisted my bus was coming “Now.”
And I believed. I really did. But then the word “Now” disappeared from my screen.
My bus was gone. Like how does a whole bus disappear? And how could Moovit have ghosted me like that? Without warning. Not one single waving red flag.
I’ve been very perplexed ever since. Is this the Universe’s way of telling me I should return to New Jersey? Can a bus be commitment-phobic? I mean, after all, we’re talking Tel Aviv. Should I keep waiting at the bus stop? Or, maybe, should I look up that bartender, Dudi, who offered me a ride to wherever I wanted to go…. whenever…. wherever….
Only not to his apartment, because Dudi says that his roommates are almost always home. Also, most of his roommates believe that they’re his kids, while another seems to think that she’s his wife.
Signed,
Good Vibes Only
Dear Good Vibes Only,
You should totally rebound with that sketchy app Waze who lives in the Shuk but takes his laundry home to his mom in Hadera every weekend.
(Editors Note: If you think this is the first time that the Daily Freier has used Tel Aviv’s public transportation system as a metaphor for boy problems, you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.)
Jerusalem: The Jerusalem Anglo Scene is in turmoil with news today that one of this Summer’s Fun Couples is On The Outs. Shayna and Zachary, who met in late July on the escalators in the Jerusalem Yitzhak Navon Train Station, are in fact still on the escalators…. and just broke off their engagement. You see, the kinda new High Speed Train from Tel Aviv is kinda fast, but it drops you off about 11,000 meters below the city (Don’t question our Numbers. This is Science.) So unless you want to risk getting hip-checked while you jockey for a precious spot on the elevator, you’re going to be on the Escalator for a LONG TIME. Which is great if you want to “meet cute” like Shayna and Zachary, but after a while it just gets old. The Daily Freier was on the scene to find out just where It All Went Wrong.
”I just need to think about my future.” confided Shayna. “Yesterday I asked Zachary where this all is even going. You know what he said? ‘To the top.’…. This is exhausting.”
“What’s he even doing with his life?” Shayna continued as we stepped onto the next escalator. “I mean, he’s always just sort of ‘around’. Does he even WORK?” Shayna sighed with exasperation. “Just what Jerusalem needs… another guy without a real job.”
“Look at him. He’s mentally checked out.” Shayna noted as Zachary fiddled with his phone. “What could he possibly be doing that’s so important?” At that moment, Zachary turned around with an announcement. “Wow, today’s Wordle is Impossible!”
As Shayna rummaged through her purse for some gum, we had a chance to talk to Zachary, who had misgivings of his own. “Ever since we met it just feels like I can’t even control my next step.” he complained as we continued upward. Zachary then fearfully looked in all directions from the escalator. “I feel trapped.”
As The Daily Freier ended the interview, Zachary and Shayna seemed to have reconciled while sharing a laugh about a weird/funny Jerusalem restaurant review by Shimshon Leshinksy.
Somewhere in the Arava– So this Taglit trip has been A-Ma-Zing! I can’t believe they let us into the country finally! We’ve seen EVERYTHING! And our bus is so fun!
Also, the IDF guys on our bus are so down to earth and chill! This one guy Danny is something called a “Lone Soldier“? He’s pretty cool, but is it weird that he eats all the food off our plates when we’re full? Or when we get up to go to the bathroom? Is that like an Israeli custom? Anyways, they’re all great. This other guy named Itzhik was in the Navy, and get this: He’s a dolphin! Can I say that? Is that racist?
Anyway, Itzhik is so cool! He just got back from Gaza and I guess he did some crazy stuff there. So it gets even crazier! Every time we get back on the bus, Itzhik brings me a small present! Yesterday he brought me a piece of string. Today he brought me a small mackerel! Is this like an Israeli thing that I don’t know about? Is he flirting with me?
So tonight we’re going to stay at a Guest House on the edge of this giant crater in the Negev! How cool is that? And guess who wants to show me a special spot where you can see all the stars! Itzhik! Wait, is this moving too fast?
OK, this is bullshit. As we were getting ready to leave the Ecological Desert Kibbutz, I ran into Jessica from Boston and she was talking about how tonight Itzhik promised to show her “a special spot where you can see all the stars.“
Ithaca: And that’s Hen’s heart that’s breaking down this long-distance line tonight, but he ain’t missing Ariel at all. Since she’s been gone away. He ain’t missing her. No matter what his friends say…. Wait, where were we? Oh yeah. Noted anti-Zionist Ariel Gold has ended her tumultuous relationship with Mossad-funded Hasbara Guy Hen Mazzig. That’s right, the BDS/Zionist Power Couple is no more, before we could even think of a cute name for them like “Bennifer“.
For the past couple of years, self-described Jew-indigenous-to-Spain Ariel Gold feuded with Hen on the Internets, leading to such gems as the time she criticized his shirtless selfie, an amazing online debate for which the Daily Freier created Bingo cards, and the time Ariel tried to kidnap Hen’s pet rabbit. Sure, they broke up from time to time while Ariel yelled at Morton Klein or Ben Shapiro, but they always managed to continue their tumultuous online relationship.
So it was with heavy heart that the Daily Freier discovered that Ariel had recently dumped Hen. For a pine tree. Last week noted British actor Eddie Marsan wrote a nice post on Twitter about a tree planted in his honor by the Jewish Community of the United Kingdom. It all went downhill from there, with Ms. Gold replying with accusations of stolen land, ethnic cleansing, and… (checks notes) ….promoting forest fires. That’s right, there is another target of Ariel’s Anti-Zionist Righteous Indignation, and it’s a Pine Tree named Ido currently growing in the Shfela Region just south of Tel Gezer. With Ido the Pine Tree suddenly the new target of Ariel’s online activism/diary entries, naturally Hen began feeling like the losing end of an Evergreen Love Triangle. The Daily Freier contacted Mr. Mazzig for his take on Ariel branching outleaving breaking up with him for a member of the Coniferous family.
“I still haven’t processed this.” lamented Hen while staring at his coffee hafuch. “This is a complete shock. Just last week I was picking out a house for us in our indigenous land…. near Barcelona.”
The Daily Freier tried to cheer Hen up, noting that there were plenty of wacky and performative BDS activists from the Finger Lakes Region out there waiting to meet him, but he was inconsolable. “I’ve been dumped before for other men, for other women, once even for a cat. But what Ariel has done is the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’ve been cuckolded by Etz HaHayim.“
We had more questions for Mr. Mazzig but he cut the interview short “because it’s time for Mincha.” As we got up to leave, we could hear Hen praying “Shema Spain Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Ehad.“
Editor’s Note: If you think this is the last you’re going to hear from Ido the Pine Tree, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.
Bnei Brak: Despite the ongoing lockdowns, there are still some folks out there who refuse to stop living their best life. That’s right, all of the various and evolving Corona mutations just met up for an evening of speed-dating! You see, Rabbi Haim Meir Wosner, a senior ultra-Orthodox rabbi, died on Sunday at the age of 82 from COVID-19. Thousands of mourners attended his funeral in Bnei Brak, creating the perfect forum for our friends in the Corona Mutation Community to have a “meet & greet” and just maybe meet that “special someone“. The Daily Freier was live on the scene while maintaining appropriate social distance protocols.
“I’m really looking for Mr. Right.” noted Sarah, an Olah Hadasha from South Africa. “I really want to meet a guy who has done a lot of traveling. Maybe a guy from Europe!” Sarah dropped her voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. “I don’t want to jinx myself, but I’m naming my first child “Avi Ben SARS-CoV-2 VOC 2021-2/08” if it’s a boy, and “Rachel Bat SARS-CoV-2 VOC 202012/01” if it’s a girl!“
While we were speaking to Sarah, a number of Olah Hadashot Corona Mutations from the United States seemed to be creating quite a stir. “OMG OMG did you hear that British mutation’s accent?” asked Leah from Boston. “It is SO. HOT.“
Wanting to learn more, the Daily Freier approached this very Eligible British Bachelor Corona Virus Mutation: Richard from Manchester. “I just love the atmosphere here. Even if I don’t get a date, it’s great to meet up with all my friends.” Richard scanned the room and continued. “All of the police barriers were getting in our way and preventing us from being ‘Single Ready to Mingle’, so I was really glad when the funeral guests removed them after 10,000 people showed up!”(Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really Happened.)
Yet not everybody was so enthusiastic about the event. The Daily Freier spoke with “Melissa from Florida” who was busy trying to stop her girlfriend Sarit from making “a huge mistake” with a Corona Strain from Italy “who really gets around”.
“Uggh, there’s Yosi. Thanks but no thanks. I’m sorry, but that guy’s been with EVERY girl at my seminary. And now he just got back from doing who-knows-what in Dubai. Sarit needs to stay away from that guy.”
“But he seems NICE!” argued Sarit. “I didn’t notice anything wrong with him. He even told me his Hebrew name: Yosef Lo-Symptomati!“
As the party continued to fill up, we ran into Richard again and asked him if the police might break it all up. “Don’t worry.” he replied breezily. “Bibi said it was OK.“
UPDATE: A prominent Israeli psychic predicts that someone on Secret Jerusalem will be really really offended by this.
Tel Aviv: Remember February? Those were innocent times, weren’t they? It was in February that Roxy first introduced us to her “Israeli Barbie” line of action figures, including the polyamorous Thrupple of European Spouse Barbie, Yuval Melech HaShuk, and Sigalit Barbie. Well, now that the Corona Virus has completely messed up our lives, it’s time to introduce the latest addition to our line of Israeli Barbies: Meirav Covid Edition!
Meirav: 48 years old, no children. Works as a healer, speaker, life coach, and activist. She makes a total of 850 shekels per month, so her 83 year old mother helps her with another 9K. Lives in Sheinkin alone and shares a dog with her ex, Dudi, a fun-oriented Eyal Golan look-alike who now lives with Alina, a 22 year old former model whom he met in Ukraine and who holds the record for longest legs in Europe. Alina calls Dudi “Poshcosko” in a baby voice, and Meirav refers to her as “that ugly shiksa“.
Meirav keeps calling the ex to organize weekends and talk about the dog like it’s a child they adopted together. She keeps finding psychological problems with the dog, when the truth is that the dog is only depressed about living with her owners and not having sex at the park on Fridays, and then put to sleep afterwards because her life is that miserable.
As a life coach who does not have her own act together, her hobby is spying on Dudi’s girlfriend and also making sure none of the neighbors are having any fun anywhere within a kilometer radius. This involves calling the police a lot. Has 2 friends and they both live in Haifa, and one of them is avoiding her phone calls because she only talks about Dudi and her friend thinks she should let it go after 6 years already.
Meirav was secretly happy about the lockdown because for the first time in a long while everybody has nowhere to go and no friends to talk to, and no dates. She takes pictures of people that she saw outside and posts them online to bash them within her community of online fellow Meiravs. Now that the lockdown has been eased, she’s bored and has no place to go.
*Disclaimer: The man in this story is NOT the man in the photo! Please don’t get mad at him! (We sort of have a history of messing these things up.)
By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/25/2020 at 4:30 PM
Tel Aviv: Today a Tel Aviv man discovered something amazing: that the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv has purposes other than being an impromptu Corona Dating Site. You see, for the past month, people returning from abroad have gone on Secret Tel Aviv to, umm, “spice up” their Quarantine arrangements. Some dude even had a Lady Friend advertising him to potential partners, explaining that he was hot and there was “Yoga and Books” at his place. Then ANOTHER guy advertised his Corona Pad to potential candidates, with something about kombucha and naked sunbathing. So one could forgive Start-Up employee/surfer Danny S. for not knowing that Secret Tel Aviv actually does other things. Danny took time out of his busy schedule to explain his moment of clarity with the Daily Freier.
“So I found a woman’s credit card, and I went on Secret Tel Aviv to meet her and return it. But, ehhm, I also mentioned that I wear a Size 44 Shoe.” Danny grinned mischieviously. “Get it? Get it?” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A dude just did this.)
The Daily Freier tried to focus Danny on just what he discovered on Secret Tel Aviv that was different from his perception. “Oh yeah!” Danny exclaimed. “So I was looking around the site and saw all this other stuff. I thought, ‘Hey, I can swap apartments, find a yoga class, and sell my stuff.’ I never knew! You can even ask for a home-pedicure during Lockdown!” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A woman just did this.)
The Daily Freier wanted to get more of “The Big Picture” so we asked one of our female readers just what the heck was going on, and she explained. “Corona 2020 is basically ‘guy who ghosted me in 2017′ suddenly coming out of the woodwork with new shitty invitations. Total sweetheart in my inbox just thinking about my health during this pandemic, offering to come straight to my bedroom for safety purposes. ‘No problem, in the Corona time we date in the car or house so your choice.’ ….Please kill me.”
In 2016, the Daily Freier was contacted by a mystery woman named Roxy. She had great ideas for a dating/advice website. Alas, we lost touch with the Brazilian Carrie Bradshaw of Tel Aviv, until we actually met her at a bar in 2019. Yada Yada Yada, Roxy introduced us to a very…..Tel Avivian line of Barbie Dolls living in sin together somewhere in the Kerem. Now Roxy is back answering the question on everyone’s minds: How can I get my freak on during a Plague Outbreak? So without further ado, here’s her advice!
*Enjoy! This might be our final Season!
** NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!!
For the Boys: If there was a time in the history of humanity when being a toy boy or a fuck boy was useless, that time is now. There was one reason why any woman tolerated your general bad personality: dick. So here is some general advice: pretend to be an okay human being during this difficult time for humanity and convince a female to carry your possible descendants when this crisis is over. The only chance you have to establish a connection and then have some possible future sexual opportunity with a consenting female is to talk to her, even if this is truly painful for you. So chat with the girls. Try to avoid questions like where is she now, cause…. duh. Also, avoid asking her for selfies cause, dude, we all look like fucking alpacas right now. We can’t go to the hairdresser, the nail salon, nothing. So just visit her Instagram and see pictures for your ummm, pleasure. If you FaceTime her, try to keep the camera away from your eyes so she won’t see your pupils opening wide and realize you’re a psychopath.
For the Girls: Until we find a way to detach our pussies and send them to the boys via ‘Wolt’, men feel under no obligation to chat with us, see us, or establish any sort of social dance we need to provide them with 3 sexual opportunities before they prefer the free-spirited, lice-infested teenager he met at the kombucha bar. So if there is a gentleman talking to you during this time, move him immediately to the top of your list and have this in mind if you both survive the current crisis: In case you FaceTime him, make sure you don’t mention your middle name is Ashley and none of the details on why your broke up with Satan, a.k.a. your ex, so he won’t know that you’re batshit craaaaazyyy.
Have y’all a great coronacation. Bless your lungs. Wash your hands.
So our A-Ma-Zing Bestie just got out of a toxic (Literally Toxic. Like, chlorine gas toxic) long-term relationship and she’s ready to meet That Special Someone. She’s a single mom in her late 40’s but can easily pass for late 30’s! Honestly, she has a weakness for tall dorky guys, so here’s your chance fellas! She loves cooking, shopping, traveling, and moving funds in increments lower than the U.S. Justice Department’s $10,000 Threshold. She’s a Leo, so you Capricorns and Virgos might be out of luck (But calling all you cute Aries guys!). Some of her Turn-Offs are Rude People, Gossip, and The Hague.
