Tag: Passover

Judaism, Pesach

Your gentile friend who “just loves loves loves matzoh”? Well she’s an idiot.

Your gentile friend who just loves matzoh? Well she's an idiot.(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/16/2017 at 9:30 AM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Passover is entering its final 48 hour stretch and Jews as a collective are losing. Their damn. Mind. You forgot what beer tastes like, but somehow you remember it being really nice. No pizza (if you mention matzoh pizza I will hit you. Seriously.) The desserts taste like cardboard sprinkled with Splenda and then put in the oven for an hour or two. (Don’t worry about the exact time. You can’t make it worse.) And there are matzoh crumbs all over your apartment. This sucks.

So this is a perfect time for your college roommate to call and ask how you are enjoying Passover and all of the A-MA-ZING recipes. Remember when you took her to Hillel for matzoh ball soup? And what about matzoh peanut butter and jelly? And OMG did you see the “matzoh gingerbread houses” on Pinterest?

Go to hell.

This is not a game. You’re literally dying over here. And she wants to ask you for your favorite matzoh brei recipe.

How about “fry up matzoh. Add syrup. Wait to cool. Place in trash. Repeat.”

Maybe if you don’t have to eat it for a week straight then matzoh can be a cool ethnic cracker. Or some sort of exotic gluten-free thing. Whatever. It’s basically burnt sawdust. And Monday night you’re just going to stay home, sit on the couch and eat an entire load of bread. By yourself. No cheese. No hummus. No butter. Just bread.

Now she’s calling your mom to ask if she can stop by on Tuesday to get all of their leftover matzoh.

Your mom just said she can take it all right now.

Pesach

Tel Aviv Waitress suspects there is some sort of Holiday this week

tel-aviv-waitress-suspects-there-is-some-sort-of-holiday-this-week1By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/26/2016 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Local waitress Anat S. can’t quite pinpoint it, but something is different around town.  Ever since she drove back from the big dinner at her parents’ house in Holon on Friday, some people have just been acting….weird. Anat sat down with the Daily Freier to share her observations.

“So a customer asked if we had pastries made without wheat flour.  And I was like ‘You mean like gluten-free? Of course!‘ And I brought them out some gluten-free muffins. And the guy just stared at me.  Like what’s his problem?”

Anat munched  on a pita and shared another life event from this week. “I don’t know what it is. But I’m definitely feeling different vibes this week.  Like two hours ago, these French tourists came in and asked me if we had a “hescher“.  I said ‘I don’t know. Would you like to see if it’s on the menu?‘ And then they left.  At first I thought that they were just being French.  But then an English couple walked in and asked the same thing. And they were wearing those little things on their heads. So I handed them a menu and asked them to point to what they wanted.  And they left too. Strange.”

Anat continued. “I pride myself in being observant. But I can’t figure out what’s different. I mean, Why is this week different from all other weeks?”

Finally, she gave up. “I guess I’ll just ask on Secret Tel Aviv”

 

 

J-Street, Pesach

Rave Reviews for the J-Street Haggadah!

J-Street-1

(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says that this idea came to us in a dream.)

(DISCLAIMER: We thought we had a totally original idea. Until the Buzzkills at ElderofZiyon said that Tikkun now has its own Haggadah. It’s getting harder and harder to satirize the Progressive Jewish Left.)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/24/2016 at 1:00 PM

Washington: With the completion of many a successful Passover Seder this year, the streets are buzzing with rave reviews for J-Street’s Haggadah.  The Daily Freier wandered around Washington’s Food Co-Ops and Non-Profits until it got enough quotes to finish the article and go home to nap.

Code Pink web designer Moonwind Epstein enjoyed the Haggadah’s new look. “The old Haggadah just felt dated.  Like it was 3,000 years old or something. So I really like the new Four Questions: “Why is this Iran Deal Better Than All Other Iran Deals?”

Saying that he “liked that there was a message“, Dylan Murray-Levinson-Smith, an intern at the New Israel Fund, extolled the new Haggadah’s educational aspect. “It’s been a long time since Hebrew School at the JCC, so it’s no surprise that I forgot that one of the plagues was named ‘Bibi.‘ Good times.”

Even though local dude “Max” knows “a lot” about Judaism, he too learned something new at his Second Night Seder.  “The part where Moses gathers the Israelites and tells them that any entry into the Promised Land will first require “Justice for Jericho” and a “Right of Return for the Canaanites” just really moved me.”

While J-Street is proud of its Haggadah, it promises improvements for next year (not in Jerusalem!) to include addressing the “Root Causes” of Pharaoh’s grievances with the Israelites.

 

 

 

 

Guest Writer Wednesday, Pesach

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Are You There G-D? It’s Me, Elijah

Elijah-Seinfeld-620x310By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 3/30/2016 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv:  Police are looking into the strange appearance of a drunken man in downtown Tel Aviv claiming to be the prophet Elijah. With just three weeks to go to Passover, detectives are puzzled by the man apparently called Eliyahu, who seems to be off his head on Kedem wine.

“He was screaming that his father was Avi Koman and that he was the real deal but we have seen it all here.” pointed out Police Superintendent Nadav B. “One year, some guy was arrested inside a giant chocolate egg claiming to be Roger Rabbit. There is a lot of wine flowing this time of year and we have just finished Purim. It could be part of a long, lingering national hangover.”

What remains a mystery is that he was spotted going door to door near Rothschild Boulevard by Jehovah’s Witnesses (who initially thought he was one of their own) wearing only a white sheet from the Sheraton Hotel and hiking sandals. While the Jehovah’s Witnesses  were busy pestering people spreading the good word outside  the AM/PM Market, ‘Elijah’ was seen stumbling around front gardens, knocking stray cats off trash cans and pressed up against kitchen windows asking for extra eggs in salt water.

One neighbour on Sheinkin Street said: “It’s usually very gentrified around here. Occasionally you’d get a protest about the cost of soya milk, but there aren’t often disturbances. But this guy was screaming, ‘I’ll give you a plague of frogs, let me in, I’m Elijah! I’ve got locusts, crabs, everything.‘ Weird.”

After he started squeezing tomato ketchup packets onto doorposts, horrified locals called the police. Briefly questioned, he was then admitted to the rehabilitation ward at Ichilov hospital pending DNA tests. He is currently sharing a padded room next to a middle age man claiming to be a reincarnated Queen Esther, a pair of twins alleging they survived on Noah’s Ark, and a disciple threatening to spill the beans on the real Mary Magdalene.