Tel Aviv, The Old North: Israel is abuzz today with exciting news… The Daily Freier hired Omar Barghouti. That’s right, the founder of the BDS Movement has signed with the #1 Voice in Anglo-infused Israeli satire! Mr. Barghouti, long known for pushing a hard line on Boycotting the Jewish State unless, like, you know, it personally inconvenienced him, will now be a full-time writer. In fact, Omar hit the ground running by submitting a satire piece to the Jerusalem Post entitled “If Israel develops a Corona Virus Vaccine, you can take it.” The Daily Freier spoke to its writing staff on what Mr. Barghouti’s arrival meant to them.
”OMG, this guy is amazing.” noted Yekutiel Bornstein. “I hope he doesn’t mind that we used to say he looks like a chubby Buster Bluth.”
Aaron Pomerantz was simply in awe of his new colleague. “He’s so full of shit…. it’s….it’s…. Majestic.“
Of course, there have been some growing pains along the away for both sides, as Editor Yuval Weiss explained. “We asked him to do a satire piece where he pretends to study at Tel Aviv University….. and then he reminded us that he no-kidding studied at Tel Aviv University.”
Also, Mr. Barghouti will have to deal with the fact that our Unisex Restroom has a sign that says “Occupied”.
Ramat Beit Shemesh: “I’m not saying I want to catch that virus (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) but do you know if the breakfast buffet at that corona hotel is any good?” Speaking under the cloak of anonymity, several religious mothers of large families have been making some not-so-discreet inquiries about the Corona Hotels, asking about the facilities, (separate men’s and women’s hours at the pool, right?) kashrus (better hechsher than the Chiloni Corona Hotels, right?), and whether they would provide non-kitniyot Pesach food.
“We could never afford to go away to a hotel for Pesach, but imagine if we happened to catch this virus? (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) I wouldn’t have to cook for Pesach, or clean, and the kids would have a break from being cooped up at home.” said Gittel F., a mother of 11 wistfully. “But yes, I would stay in that hotel… I consider it a civic duty. Don’t ever say that we wouldn’t do our civic duty!”
Another segment of the population is also eagerly eyeing the Corona Hotels. “Do you think there might be single girls there?” Jerusalem resident Raffi R. inquired. “I’m not saying I want to catch the virus (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) but girls these days have been so weird you know… like they don’t want to go anywhere near me or touch me… it’s been soooo hard to get a hookup. At first I thought they all got religious and were Shomer Negiya or something!”
Jerusalem: According to Israel’s Chief Rabbis David Lau and Yitzhak Yosef, Jews should not leave their homes in order to kasher cooking utensils or burn hametz (foods deemed unkosher for Passover), which religiously observant Jews do every year the morning before the holiday. As part of the national effort to fight the spread of COVID-19, Israel’s Chief Rabbis ruled that Jews must instead gather all such products in their kitchen and eat them down to the last crumb.
“In lieu of our usual traditions, eating every last bit of hametz is the only way to guarantee both a safe and kosher Passover.” said Yosef at a meeting with leaders from the Sephardic and Mizrahi communities. “Drastic times call for drastic measures.”
According to Jewish law, no bread or leavened products may be eaten or kept at home during Passover. But some communities are finding this new ruling particularly difficult. Ashkenazi Jews, whose recent ancestors resided in Germany and eastern Europe, are forbidden from eating kitniyot, a term that refers to many grains and legumes. This made Rabbi Lau’s ruling particularly shocking.
“Drinking all my beer and eating all my bread is one thing.” lamented Yechezkel Abelman of Jerusalem. “But there’s 4 days left before the holiday. How are my wife and I supposed to eat five kilograms of rice and wash them down with twelve cans of lentil soup?”
“Instead of burning hametz, we must prepare ourselves to burn calories.” explained Yaakov Litzman, Israel’s Minister of Health and follower of the Ger Hasidic Dynasty. “Those who find it difficult should soften their bread by dipping it in water.”
Of course, not every religious leader is going along with the new ruling. Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky of Bnei Brak is considered a high authority in the Haredi world, and has vowed to defy the ruling.
Some believe Rabbi Kanievsky’s headstrong approach is due to core disagreements over religious interpretation. Others believe it’s because he is yet to discard five jars of extra crunchy Skippy peanut butter he has stashed in his home. No matter the reason, some of his followers were more enthusiastic about his “live-and-let’s-get-sick” approach.
In mid-March, after ordering his hundreds of thousands of followers to defy the Health Ministry’s Anti-Corona directives, he changed his mind two weeks later. “If he’s going to change his mind again, I’d rather he do it in the next day or two, so I have time to digest.” said Yoel Friedberg of Bnei Brak. “Corona or not, if I show up full to the Seder, my mother might kill me anyway.”
Meanwhile, religious leaders across Israel and the Diaspora are already preparing other holidays for the impact of COVID-19. If the pandemic stretches into the fall, building a Sukkah may involve dismantling your living room furniture for the wood.
Welcome to the Daily Freier’s new line of Young Adult Fiction novels! Today we tell the outlandish tale of an Anglo Oleh who decides to use the current Corona Lockdown as a gift, and truly learn Hebrew! That’s right, he has some children’s books in Hebrew along with his old notebooks from Ulpan Gordon. Too Easy! So let’s take a look!
Hmm, how about we study “Eeti, Eet-ha, Eetah, Eeto”, and….
Wait a second. Is that a crow outside? Hey, and it’s carrying an empty tub of hummus in its beak! Isn’t that awesome? Also….
OK OK OK, let’s stay focused. So the notebook says that some nouns are masculine but they actually have feminine endings because…
OMG OMG OMG I think your neighbors upstairs are doing it with the windows open!
Hey! Let’s pay attention to the task at hand! ….OK maybe we can work on our future tense verbs before we…
….Wait, are you trying to say that the redneck with the handlebar mustache and the mullet …..he’s Gay? …..and he hired a Hitman? ……to kill the crazy cat lady? ……because of baby tigers?????
STOP! Turn off Netflix! ….now, let’s look at the Pay-Gronit Verb Form. It’s interesting because…
Whoah, did you see the video that Madonna just posted online? CRAYYYY-Z! I know, right?
NO! We have stuff to learn! Maybe we can just review vocabulary words…
*Disclaimer: The man in this story is NOT the man in the photo! Please don’t get mad at him! (We sort of have a history of messing these things up.)
By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/25/2020 at 4:30 PM
Tel Aviv: Today a Tel Aviv man discovered something amazing: that the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv has purposes other than being an impromptu Corona Dating Site. You see, for the past month, people returning from abroad have gone on Secret Tel Aviv to, umm, “spice up” their Quarantine arrangements. Some dude even had a Lady Friend advertising him to potential partners, explaining that he was hot and there was “Yoga and Books” at his place. Then ANOTHER guy advertised his Corona Pad to potential candidates, with something about kombucha and naked sunbathing. So one could forgive Start-Up employee/surfer Danny S. for not knowing that Secret Tel Aviv actually does other things. Danny took time out of his busy schedule to explain his moment of clarity with the Daily Freier.
“So I found a woman’s credit card, and I went on Secret Tel Aviv to meet her and return it. But, ehhm, I also mentioned that I wear a Size 44 Shoe.” Danny grinned mischieviously. “Get it? Get it?” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A dude just did this.)
The Daily Freier tried to focus Danny on just what he discovered on Secret Tel Aviv that was different from his perception. “Oh yeah!” Danny exclaimed. “So I was looking around the site and saw all this other stuff. I thought, ‘Hey, I can swap apartments, find a yoga class, and sell my stuff.’ I never knew! You can even ask for a home-pedicure during Lockdown!” (REAL LIFE ALERT: A woman just did this.)
The Daily Freier wanted to get more of “The Big Picture” so we asked one of our female readers just what the heck was going on, and she explained. “Corona 2020 is basically ‘guy who ghosted me in 2017′ suddenly coming out of the woodwork with new shitty invitations. Total sweetheart in my inbox just thinking about my health during this pandemic, offering to come straight to my bedroom for safety purposes. ‘No problem, in the Corona time we date in the car or house so your choice.’ ….Please kill me.”
Tel Aviv: As the Corona Virus drives life as we know it to a halt, one of the sectors hardest hit has been Anglo-infused Israeli satire. The Daily Freier, long a leader in this field, has found itself devoid of inspiration as its authors wander the confines of their homes muttering to themselves and suffering collective Writers Block. Forced to cannibalize themselves satirically, the Writers Collective known as The Daily Freier slowly descends into madness. And The Daily Freier was on the scene to cover it!
“How can I make Dizengoff Center jokes if I can’t leave my home…. I have literally nothing to say.” complained Aaron Pomerantz. “Wait, does that make me shallow?” Aaron poured some whiskey into his Coffee Hafuch and appeared to have an epiphany. “Hey, maybe I can make fun of my Vaad Bayit and the way he puts out the trash cans!”
Meanwhile, the Daily Freier’s correspondent in Judea and Samaria, Chava Ewa, was struggling to fit in writing while trying to home-school her 7 children and her husband. “The kids only stop fighting when they are hungry, which is actually fine because they eat about 14 times a day. Also the makolet cashier thinks that I’m hoarding food because I come every day and buy 4 bags of milk and two boxes of cornflakes, but…ummm…. 7 kids?” Chava turned on the TV news and suddenly found inspiration. “Hmmm, the Corona unit in the hospital…. is it quiet? They cook for you? …No kids? That doesn’t sound half bad.”
The Daily Freier then checked in with our correspondent Lee Saunders, but he was home in Manchester nattering on about the weather and driving his mom insane and we weren’t able to get any actual statement from him.
Yet there was some good news. Our Dating & Relationships correspondents Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein reported in that they are hard at work writing up a story on Secret Tel Aviv’s dramatic turn toward becoming a Corona Virus Dating Site (Editor’s Note: We are really really doing this. Stay tuned).
In 2016, the Daily Freier was contacted by a mystery woman named Roxy. She had great ideas for a dating/advice website. Alas, we lost touch with the Brazilian Carrie Bradshaw of Tel Aviv, until we actually met her at a bar in 2019. Yada Yada Yada, Roxy introduced us to a very…..Tel Avivian line of Barbie Dolls living in sin together somewhere in the Kerem. Now Roxy is back answering the question on everyone’s minds: How can I get my freak on during a Plague Outbreak? So without further ado, here’s her advice!
*Enjoy! This might be our final Season!
** NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!!
For the Boys: If there was a time in the history of humanity when being a toy boy or a fuck boy was useless, that time is now. There was one reason why any woman tolerated your general bad personality: dick. So here is some general advice: pretend to be an okay human being during this difficult time for humanity and convince a female to carry your possible descendants when this crisis is over. The only chance you have to establish a connection and then have some possible future sexual opportunity with a consenting female is to talk to her, even if this is truly painful for you. So chat with the girls. Try to avoid questions like where is she now, cause…. duh. Also, avoid asking her for selfies cause, dude, we all look like fucking alpacas right now. We can’t go to the hairdresser, the nail salon, nothing. So just visit her Instagram and see pictures for your ummm, pleasure. If you FaceTime her, try to keep the camera away from your eyes so she won’t see your pupils opening wide and realize you’re a psychopath.
For the Girls: Until we find a way to detach our pussies and send them to the boys via ‘Wolt’, men feel under no obligation to chat with us, see us, or establish any sort of social dance we need to provide them with 3 sexual opportunities before they prefer the free-spirited, lice-infested teenager he met at the kombucha bar. So if there is a gentleman talking to you during this time, move him immediately to the top of your list and have this in mind if you both survive the current crisis: In case you FaceTime him, make sure you don’t mention your middle name is Ashley and none of the details on why your broke up with Satan, a.k.a. your ex, so he won’t know that you’re batshit craaaaazyyy.
Have y’all a great coronacation. Bless your lungs. Wash your hands.
As we stand together as a nation fighting an unseen menace, let us take a moment tomorrow to salute those on the front lines. I mean, the doctors, nurses, and first-responders have been doing a great job, I guess. But you know who else has? Your weed dealer. Who makes house calls. Who brings you what you need to spend the next couple of months in a confined space, home-schooling your kids, and re-learning each and every habit of your spouse/partner/life-mate that Drives. You. Nuts.
So tomorrow at 4:20, join us as we give thanks to the nation’s Brave Cannabis Salespersons.
Am Yisrael High.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.