Aliyah, Start Up Nation September 3, 2022September 3, 2022

Israel admits that “Va’ad Bayit” is just a Prank Tax on Olim

(Based on a True Story! We changed the name of the Olim! And the dog!)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/3/2022 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The nation was rocked yesterday by shocking news that threatens the Zionist ethos of Aliyah to its very core. Responding to ~~an angry email from Liami~~ published reports, Israel’s Misrad Klita (Ministry of Absorption) admitted that the “Va’ad Bayit” does not actually exist. That’s right, the additional maintenance fees that Olim have dutifully paid each month to their Building’s “Superintendent” was just a giant prank/scam that Israelis have been playing on Olim since the 1970’s. The Daily Freier set out to get to the bottom of this disturbing story.

The Daily Freier met with recent British Oleh David S., the heroic Whistleblower who first uncovered this deception. “A woman in my Building yelled at me about all of the hair that my dog Fred was leaving in the stairwell.” David explained. “I told her that I pay 100 Shekels monthly Va’ad Bayit to my Landlord and that it’s not my problem. She stared at me for ten seconds and then told me that there is no Va’ad Bayit in the Building.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Really. Happened.)

In our Quest for the Truth, the Daily Freier then met with American Oleh Danny C. “Each month I get a note on my door explaining who owes Va’ad Bayit, what the money goes toward, and when the next Building meeting will take place. So on the day of the Building Meeting, I knocked on my neighbor’s door and asked where everyone else was. He looked at me like I was on drugs. I told him that according to the memo, this was where the Building Meeting was taking place. He told me that they don’t actually have meetings.” Danny stared into space for a minute and then continued. “I heard that he got in a lot of trouble for telling me the truth.” (Real World Editor’s Note: This. Also. Really. Happened.)

Finally, the Daily Freier spoke with one of the many perpetrators of the scam, Tel Aviv resident Irit M. “Every year we take the Va’ad Bayit money and have a party in HaYarkon Park with balloons and a Bouncy Castle for the kids.” Irit explained. “We wait for a day that none of the Olim in our building will be around. Sometimes we contact Misrad Klita and ask them to call the Olim in for fake ridiculous appointments about their education benefits or something.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we asked Irit just how this scheme was able to go on for so long. “Because you Olim are SO Gullible!” Irit chuckled. “I bet you still think that the Hebrew language has vowels!”

Binyamin Netanyahu, Israeli Politics August 23, 2022August 23, 2022

Daily Freier retracts Satire about Bibi using NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz after Bibi uses NASA Images to troll Lapid & Gantz

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/23/2022 at 09:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The world of Anglo-infused Israeli satire is in shambles today after Authorities ordered The Daily Freier to retract a recent story or face stiff financial penalties. Earlier this week the Daily Freier published a humorous story in which ~~Abu Yair~~ Former Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu trolled his political opponents by invoking photos of Outer Space taken by The USA’s National Aeronautics and Space Administration. It was a story in which Bibi compared Pluto’s planet/non-planet status to the Blue and White Party’s shaky power-sharing agreement between Benny Gantz and Yair Lapid. A simple, cute story with a funny punchline involving Naftali Bennet’s kippah.

Little did we know that Mr. Netanyahu would in fact temporarily become a “Twitter Reply Guy”, taking a seemingly innocent NASA tweet about Jupiter as an opportunity to mock Gantz and Lapid. With our satirical story no longer clearly satirical, officials from Israel’s Bureau of Journalistic Standards arrived this morning at the Daily Freier’s office in Dizengoff Center with a Court Order.

“This is a disaster.” lamented Daily Freier writer Aaron Pomerantz. “Something like this has never happened to us. I mean, not since 2016.“

Reactions to Netanyahu’s Tweet in the community were immediate. “This is unprecedented!” noted Tel Aviv web developer Doron R. “Bibi’s Trolling is such absolute Bullshit…it’s…. it’s Majestic!”

“This is next-level trolling.” remarked Ramat Gan pensioner Danny T. “Possibly better than Trump’s recent endorsement of AOC.”

In order to avoid this sort of thing happening in the future, the Daily Freier vowed to henceforth only write clearly fake news, such as stories about a German guy and his Israeli husband going on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid.

Israellycool August 22, 2022

Archaeologists Discover Amer Zahr’s Last Good Joke

Wadi Rum, Jordan: A recent archaeological expedition has uncovered an amazing breakthrough in Middle Eastern History: “Comedian” Amer Zahr‘s last decent joke. Suspended in ancient amber and preserved for posterity, the joke has survived to this day almost intact. Forensic experts were table to recreate it to almost 90% accuracy…. something about eating tasty hummus with your annoying in-laws. It was actually kinda funny, which today is a bit off-brand for Mr. Zahr.

You see, Palestinian/American “comedian” Amer Zahr is ~~the most disappointing product to come out of Detroit since the ’79 Pinto~~ so busy denouncing Israel that he “forgot” to be “funny“. Nobody knows exactly what happened. Some people think the Mossad stole his sense of humor at a wedding in Dearborn during Obama’s second term. The United Nations even passed several non-binding resolutions demanding that Israel return Amer’s punchlines and comedic timing. Now he spends his days yelling at nice ladies on Twitter for having the temerity to go on a hike near Jerusalem. Basically, Amer morphed into a “comedian” if by “comedian” you mean “bitter and obsessed with Israel”. So in that sense, Roger Waters and Jeremy Corbyn are comedians too!

(We published this story on Israellycool this week. Go over and check out the whole story here!)

Elections 2022, Israeli Politics August 6, 2022August 6, 2022

Crisis: 35% of Israelis have never formed a Political Party with Ayelet Shaked

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/6/2022 at 09:50 AM

Jerusalem: Late Thursday afternoon, Israel’s Knesset TV station released shocking news. According to published reports and confirmed sources, as many as 35% of Israeli citizens have never been in some sort of political coalition with MK Ayelet Shaked. The Daily Freier set out to discuss this breaking development with real people from across Israeli society, so this isn’t going to be like the times we just interviewed our Juice Guy or our Vaad Bayit.

Yet before this story goes any further, we must stress that we are huge fans of Ms. Shaked. This is because she consistently provides the Daily Freier with amazing fresh material. For example:

1) In order to mock the Israeli Left, she once made a fake commercial for a perfume called “Fascism”. Really.

2) Before the 2019 elections, she made an 80’s-style conceptual music video that can only be described as the weirdest thing that we have ever seen in Israel… and we hang out at the Kerem House. It was a breakup song. Except it’s about the IDF and the Supreme Court. And the Supreme Court is a lawyer with more than a passing resemblance to Ms. Shaked. And the Army is a dude in uniform with a Tel Aviv beard. (Bonus Points: Naftali Bennett performed a spoken-word rap on the video. We wish we were lying to you.)

3) She helped us create one of our favorite memes.

So once again, the Daily Freier set out to speak to Real Israelis about their feelings about Ayelet Shaked not yet joining them in a Coalition.

“Hmmm.… are you sure I have never been in a Coalition with Ayelet?” inquired Rehovot resident Dorit S. as she walked through her Shufersal looking for Watermelon and Arak. “I’m quite sure that I met her at my cousin’s Tzimmer up North last summer and signed some papers. Wait, that was my building’s Pinui Binui papers. Never mind.“

The Daily Freier then spoke with Danny C. as he waited for his order of chicken and fries at the Ashdod KFC. “I don’t know why Ms. Shaked has not reached out. I spoke with my friend Yair from Miluim. He says she offered him one of the less important Ministry positions if he signed on with her.“

Finally, we spoke to Stav as she purchased her train tickets at the Hadera station. “I joined her Coalition last year, but we got in an argument over Monetary Policy and I quit. At least that’s how I remember the story. We were at MidBurn.“

The Daily Freier hereby announces that it will enter a Coalition with Ms. Shaked in exchange for a free parking spot in that Municipal Lot near HaBima, some Tubi, and tickets to Lola Marsh.

Joe Biden, Start Up Nation July 13, 2022March 31, 2023

Ben Gurion Airport has “No Idea” where Biden’s Luggage is located

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/13/2022 at 10:50 PM

Ben Gurion Airport: President Biden’s historic Middle East visit is in crisis this evening upon the news that nobody at the airport has a clue where his luggage is currently located. Even before Corona, Ben Gurion was never really known for “Customer Service” per se. It’s not really our thing here in Israel, and we like to think that it’s actually part of our charm! But with Corona rules quickly fading away, Ben Gurion Airport slowly realized that the employees it placed on unpaid leave aren’t coming back. So, nothing’s getting done and you’re never getting your bags. Like Ever. Even if you’re the President of the United States. The Daily Freier wandered around Terminal One as dozens of White House Aides frantically searched for the President’s baggage.

As news of Joe’s missing bags slowly sunk in, a phalanx of extremely excited young men and women wearing khakis and dockers quickly fanned out in a frantic scavenger hunt. First, they ran into Moti from Ground Handling. “How should I know?” asked Moti as he chewed on sunflower seeds in the break room. “Bags are Bags. Maybe you should come back tomorrow when Gila returns from the Kinneret. She’s pretty smart about these things.“

Undaunted by their lack of success with Moti, the White House team moved on to Baggage Claim, only to run into a family of distraught Canadian tourists walking through a veritable graveyard of unclaimed bags. The White House aides asked our Canadian friends if they had seen a set of pristine blue gym bags with the words “POTUS” and “Joe from Scranton” written in white cursive letters on the side. The Canadians, being Canadians, apologized profusely that they had not in fact seen the Presidents bags before returning to their desperate attempt to find their property before Airport employees looted the bags then destroyed them in a crusher. (Ha Ha! Just kidding! That would NEVER happen! Wait…. It just happened. Oops. Our bad.)

With night quickly approaching, the Presidential team spotted several cleaning personnel smoking cigarettes outside of Terminal One. Had they seen the bags? “Are you from America?” asked Nadav. “Next month I want to go to Miami and Las Vegas and New York. I’m going to rent a car. So where are the good outlet malls?” The President’s advance team informed Nadav that they were quite busy right now and did not have time to discuss the finer points of American Road Trips, but Nadav was undeterred. “Where does The Rock live?“

Jerusalem, Judaism July 7, 2022August 22, 2022

Vegan Jewish extremists caught sacrificing Tofurky on Temple Mount

Still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush!

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/7/2022 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Har HaBayit: A potential International Incident was narrowly averted today, thanks to the quick reaction of Israeli Law Enforcement. This morning a group of Vegan Extremists infiltrated the Temple Mount during the allotted Jewish visitation hours. While guards were distracted by somebody possibly reciting the Shema, the Vegan Extremists attempted to sacrifice a Tofurky, thus fulfilling Biblical Prophecy. At the last minute, a policewoman intervened and managed to wrestle the lead Vegan to the ground ~~because she wasn’t Vegan~~. The Police held a hasty news conference outside the Dung Gate.

The Daily Freier questioned the police spokesperson as to how they were able to so quickly identify the suspects and close in for the arrest: How did they figure out which Jews on the Temple Mount were Vegans?

“They walked across the entire plaza in order to inform us that they’re Vegans.” the spokesperson replied. “Then they sent us multiple texts announcing that they’re Vegans. They’re currently in our Holding Cells, and to be honest, they still haven’t stopped telling their fellow prisoners that they’re Vegans.”

The Daily Freier then traveled to the Confinement Facility in order to get the Vegans’ perspective on this potentially catastrophic incident. A man introduced himself as Nahum, but said we could also call him Starseed. “This was an act of Solidarity with the animals. I hope that our action strikes a blow against the Meat Industry.” Nahum/Starseed then lowered his voice and looked around the room. “I was also hoping that this incident would catch the attention of Outspoken Tel Aviv Vegan/Daily Freier contributor Roxy Cruz so she would maybe go out on a date with me.”

The Daily Freier challenged Nahum/Starseed that his Group’s actions were counterproductive and could have triggered an International Incident but he was adamant. “Whatever. I guarantee you that I’m still not the weirdest Ba’al Teshuva that you’ve ever met from the Gush.”

As the story went to print, the activists were placed on conditional release in order to allow them to arrive on time for their 3 day retreat in the Arava, doing yoga and channeling their feminine energy at the price of 2400 NIS per person.

Mossad, Start Up Nation July 2, 2022July 2, 2022

Israel deploys experts from El Al to cripple Damascus Airport

(Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/2/2022 at 13:30

Damascus: In a scene right out of spy Thrillers like “Fauda” or “Tehran“, Israel has infiltrated Damascus International Airport, crippling Iranian weapons shipments. Yet this feat was accomplished not by the vaunted Israeli Air Force, nor was it accomplished by the secretive Mossad. Rather, Damascus Airport was taken down by an elite team from El Al Airlines. You see, when it comes to really screwing up air travel, nobody comes close to the expertise of El Al. There is even a Facebook group to complain about them (Spoiler Alert: They don’t care). In order to get the whole story, The Daily Freier spoke with stranded travelers and employees at Damascus Airport via Zoom and pestered some real journalists who were actually on the scene.

“Somebody just took down our website.” complained Ahmed from the Airport’s IT office. “How do you take down a website that runs on Windows 95? Who still has access to that technology? Our country has been in a civil war for 11 years. What’s your excuse?”

“I’ve been on hold for 7 hours.” noted a frustrated woman named Fatima as she watched her 3 children while trying to reach a customer service representative. “If this sorcery is the work of the Jews, then they are even more clever than we previously believed.“

While we spoke to Fatima, another traveler joined in and noted his experience. “I finally got through on the telephone to a human.” explained Saleh. “Unfortunately, he told me that the only person who can help me is on Maternity Leave. When I told him that my luggage has been lost for 3 days, he called me a Liar.“

The International Community was quick to condemn Israel’s actions at Damascus Airport. A spokesperson for Russia’s foreign ministry declared that “The provocative Israeli attack against essential civilian infrastructure is an absolutely unacceptable violation of international norms”. (REAL WORLD NON-SATIRE ALERT: Russia really really said this.)

A Syrian official speaking on condition of anonymity stated that El Al’s attacks would have actually been much worse, but Damascus Airport stopped using Fax Machines in 2007.

Aliyah, Terrorism June 18, 2022June 18, 2022

“Lo Hevanti.” Iranian kidnappers release Anglo Oleh who can’t speak Hebrew

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/18/2022 at 1:00 PM

Istanbul: The nation breathed a sigh of relief this morning after news that Iranian agents in Istanbul had released an Israeli tourist unharmed. Jeff Schwartz, an Oleh Not-So-Hadash from Long Island, was freed after his poor grasp of the Hebrew language convinced his captors that he couldn’t possibly be Israeli. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff as officials from the Israeli Consulate escorted him to Istanbul Airport.

“Everything happened so fast.” explained Jeff as he stared nervously out the window. “One moment I was wandering around the Grand Bazaar, the next moment I was blindfolded in a van.“

The Daily Freier asked Jeff exactly how he was able to pull off his amazing escape. “I really don’t know.” he confessed. “This angry guy in a ski mask kept screaming at me in Hebrew. I knew he was using future tense verbs, but I had no idea what he was saying. I kept explaining to him that I still hadn’t completed Kita Bet and that he should stick to present tense. Then he hit me with a wooden mallet and I passed out. When I woke up, I asked him for ‘afshar mayim’, but I think that only made him angrier. After a while they just dropped me off on the side of the road. A nice Turkish family took me home and gave me tea and let me use their Wi-Fi to make a phone call.”

While his captors are still at large, Jeff convinced them that he ‘just really really need to post my Wordle score before my family on the East Coast goes to sleep“, and thus was able to secretly record a blurry video of his interrogation. While much of the recording is completely unintelligible, the Iranians appeared to make some progress after they switched to using flashcards.

Soon Jeff arrived at Istanbul Airport and his waiting flight back to Tel Aviv. Jeff profusely thanked the Israeli Consular officials and they promised to read the whole story of his 12-hour ordeal by checking out Jeff’s Aliyah Blog. But they were lying.

Our "Cousins", Terrorism May 8, 2022

Terrorists captured in Forest after Trees & Rocks call the Police

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/8/2022 at 12:45 PM

Rosh Ha Ayin: Israeli Border Police are today hailing the quick-thinking of Rosh HaAyin’s community of rocks and trees. Earlier today they noticed the two latest sons of Amalek hiding in their midst, and in an amazing twist of the Hamas Charter, chose to call out to Law Enforcement that there were Terrorists hiding behind them. The Daily Freier was first on the scene, as we wanted an excuse to check out the Tandu Pub in Rosh HaAyin later.

As Border Police interrogated the terrorists, the Daily Freier managed to speak with one of today’s heroes, a Gharqad tree named Snir.

“I saw those idiots from Jenin trying to hide behind my trunk.” explained Snir as he conducted photosynthesis and swept his Mirpeset. “So I yelled at the Border Police in the next meadow.“

The Daily Freier inquired as to what exactly he yelled to the Police. “Eyy Gever there is a Terrorist behind me come and capture him.“

As the Daily Freier got ready to leave, IfNotNow had already posted a tweet calling Snir a racist.

*Shout-out to the cousin of our favorite Lone Soldier for inspiring this story.

Only in Israel April 4, 2022March 29, 2023

Top Ten Worst Israel Tourism Ideas

With Corona moving into our collective rear-view mirror, there are some A-Ma-Zing ideas for exploring this beautiful country of ours! Lots to see, Lots to do, Lots to eat! We have heard of some amazing tours starting this Spring. Unfortunately, we have also heard some not-so-good ideas… and it is our journalistic duty to Spill the Tea. So without further ado, the Daily Freier presents the Ten Worst Tour Ideas for Israel!