Hen Mazzig’s pet rabbit in Protective Custody after Ariel Gold’s latest tweet

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/19/2019 at 12:00 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: Law enforcement moved swiftly in the early morning hours, safeguarding a local rabbit from credible threats. “Shani” is a white angora, and the pet of noted Israel Advocate/Indigenous Rights Activist/Shirtless Selfie afficionado Hen Mazzig. So when noted Code Pink Activist/BDS fan/that one really annoying girl in your NFTY Youth Group Ariel Gold escalated her one-way Twitter feud with Hen, police whisked Shani off to an undisclosed location. The Daily Freier spoke with a visibly frightened Hen at a local cafe.

This all happened so quickly.” Hen said as he nervously picked at his shakshuka. “One moment Shani and I were just chilling on the balcony people-watching, and then all of a sudden the cops show up and say she has only 2 minutes to pack a bag…. she didn’t even have a chance to finish her carrots and celery smoothie.

The Daily Freier asked Hen what specifically caused the latest crisis. “At first, it was all sort of innocent. You know, Ariel body-shaming me and teaching me important lessons about my Mizrahi heritage. Then shit just got weird. Stuff about my secret payments from the Israeli Government. Honestly, for a moment I thought I was reading the Forward.” Hen looked nervously around the cafe and continued. “Finally, she tweeted something at me about Ilhan Omar and AIPAC. I couldn’t really understand what she was saying, girlfriend could use a spellcheck once in a while…. but the bottom line is she is not going to be ignored.”

Finally, the Daily Freier was able to Skype with Shani from her undisclosed location. “Things are OK in the Safe House. Apparently I’m not the first animal that stayed here.”  The Daily Freier asked Shani if she has any regrets. “The real tragedy is that I absolutely LOVE Glenn Close movies….. I hope this doesn’t ruin them for me.

As the Daily Freier was about to end the interview, a visibly relieved Shani noted that Ariel had moved on to yelling back and forth with Morton Klein.

 

 

 

 

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Top Ten Rejected Daily Freier Articles

Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.


1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!

2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!

3.  Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!

4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?

5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.

6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!

7.  Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.

8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!

9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.

10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.

 

Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler: Jesus of Nazareth edition

Narrator: Welcome to Episode 3 of “Linda Sarsour, Time Traveler.” When last we saw our heroine, she had  traveled back to the 20th Century in order to inform Golda Meir and Hanna Szenes that they were not really feminists. Now, our Intrepid Linda of Brooklyn has traveled back to Judea in the time of the Roman Occupation in order to inform Jesus that he’s really Palestinian. We catch up with them in Nazareth, north of the Jezreel Valley.


Linda (cheerfully): A salaam aleikum, Brother Issa!

Jesus of Nazareth: Hello my child, you appear to speak the language of Ishmael’s sons, many days journey into the desert beyond Edom. It is a language I do not understand. I speak Aramaic….. a bit of Thai I picked up when I was backpacking…..and Hebrew. You know, the language spoken by Jews like me…..who live in….. wait for it….. Judea.

Linda: Palestine.

Jesus: I am sorry, my child?

Linda: Palestine! You’re Palestinian! Hellooooo!

Jesus: Daughter of Ishmael, the Philistines disappeared from this land around the Year 600 Before….ummm….600 Years Before….ummm……Me.

Linda: So?

Jesus: So, Like NOBODY uses that term anymore. Not even the Essenes of the Wilderness. And they live alone in the desert without decent wi-fi.

Linda: Hey, I love your wooly Palestinian hair!

Jesus: The apostles call it my “Jewfro”, but Bless Your Heart.

Linda: OMG and you’ve got the most amazing Palestinian copper skin tone, just like me!

Jesus: (Looks at his skin, looks at Linda. Looks at his skin, looks at Linda.) But Linda my child, your skin is whiter than National Public Radio.

Linda: Whatever. So when are you going to Al-Quds, anyway?

Jesus: My child, you are using words that make no sense…. Listen, my Father’s house has many rooms. Maybe you might want to go visit a different one? You know, explore a bit? It’s just that I’m kinda busy. There’s a wedding feast tonight up north and the caterer stinks, so everyone is going to turn to you-know-who when they run out of wine. And don’t get me started on the fish.

Linda: Hey, a wedding! Maybe we can all dance the dabka. It’s a traditional Pales….

Jesus: Farewell my child. (Jesus disappears into the ether)

Linda: Wait, did I just get Holy Ghosted?

(Fade to Black)

 

Happy Treason Day, Ingrates

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/4/2019 at 9:00 PM

Penistone, Sheffield: You chuck our tea overboard in Boston… do you know what that does to a Brit?! No Taxation without Representation… we are all paying now! And then, 3 years later, 1776, you say you want independence and go all Kung Fu on our butts. Is there any wonder we tried to burn down the White House in 1814? We were still sore. We are truly sorry but we would love to have another go…

Anyway, 200 years later, we were all brought together by a love of Oprah and McDonalds, and the “special relationship” endures – despite giving you Downtown Abbey, Gordon Ramsay,  James Corden and losing in the Women’s World Cup Semi-Final.

Happy Treason Day and “bless your hearts” from the funniest (“only”) Brit at The Daily Freier.

#donaldandboris
#maggieandron
#pgtipsrocks
#pavementnotsidewalk

Las Vegas now taking bets for when Peter Beinart goes full BDS

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/26/2019 at 3:00 PM

Las Vegas: There’s some hot new action here in Sin City, and the High Rollers are starting to notice. College Football? Nope. Keno? Nope. Nope. Blackjack? Still Nope. The name of the game this year is picking the date that Peter Beinart goes Full BDS, and everyone wants a piece of the action. You see, Mr. Beinart used to (sorta) be the Conscience of Liberal Zionism. But maybe he switched to a different High School or something, because he’s started to run with the wrong crowd ….and don’t think we haven’t noticed. Anyhoo, as Peter keeps driving down Sanctimony Highway (past the old Tikkun Olam Rest Area) toward BDS City, the bookies have started to notice. And now they’re laying down odds. The Daily Freier put on our best suit, and headed out to the Desert to get a piece of the action.

The Daily Freier met up with “Fat Sal”, who greeted us at his office behind a dilapidated motel a few blocks off the Strip. We asked Mr. Fat Sal if he truly felt that Mr. Beinart was flirting with BDS. Sal took a drag from his cigar and replied. “Has Peter been flirting with BDS lately? Oh he’s been flirting. Lotsa flirting. With BDS. You catch my drift?

We then asked Mr. Sal just how they put down odds on such a unique form of gambling as Peter Beinart’s very public slow-motion Total Eclipse of the Woke Heart, and Sal explained. “There’s a science to handicapping this. How many times this week did he mention his one-way feud with Bibi? How many times has Code Pink praised his articles on Twitter today? How many times has…” [Sal paused and yelled into the other room] “Hey Jimmy! What’s the over/under on Peter’s ‘As a Jew’ count today?

Sal continued. “At the end of the day I’m just another conservative businessman. Nothing fancy. I don’t get excited easily. I don’t see anything happening with Peter until after the High Holidays. I mean it’s not like he tweeted an article from Counterpunch…..wait, never mind. ….So what do you think about the horses this year? You got any tips?

Sal then walked away to take a phone call, and the Daily Freier dutifully eavesdropped. “OK talk to me. Two to One by Labor Day? No friggin way. We’ve already got our odds, and those are the odds, OK? Nothin’ is going to make me change them, got it? Not even if he…. wait you said he just co-hosted a talk via Skype with Omar Barghouti the head of the BDS Movement? ….. OK listen to me. Stop taking any action until we figure this out. OK? I’m out.

As the Daily Freier thanked Mr. Fat Sal for his time and prepared to leave, Peter Beinart tweeted his support for Marc Lamont Hill. “Screw it, I’m done!” Sal yelled. ” All bets are off. Let’s go find some cocktail waitresses.”

Palestinian Authority’s Top Ten Excuses for skipping Trump’s Peace Conference

1. We need to prepare for our upcoming elections

2. Still kinda exhausted from Pride

3. Need to catch up on The Bachelor

4. Still haven’t forgiven Jared Kushner for those Game of Thrones spoilers

5. Our Ex just moved to Bahrain and we really don’t want to run into her

6. Frankly, John Bolton’s mustache frightens us

7. Coachella

8. We hear that Trump isn’t big on holding grudges

9. Still looking for parking

10. What part of “From the River to the Sea” don’t you understand?

 

 

 

 

 

 

In ultra-real scenario, Japan’s IDF Cosplayer asks for free couch “as a Lone Soldier”

(photo credit: Instagram)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/6/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv: In a scenario described by IDF veterans as “shockingly realistic” and “haunting“, the IDF Cosplayer from Japan just went onto Social Media to ask for free stuff. Siggchi is a Japanese college student who dresses up like a Lieutenant in the IDF’s Kfir Brigade and has become somewhat of a minor celebrity here in Israel. As for mooching free stuff, Lone Soldiers in the IDF have a reputation of being, umm…. frugal. In addition, Lone Soldiers are not shy about asking for stuff from the General Public. So it just made sense that Siggchi would take his cosplaying “to the next level” and start mooching free shit like a True Chayal Boded. The Daily Freier talked to several Lone Soldiers to get the rest of the story.

When Siggchi asked for a PlayStation on Secret Tel Aviv, I mean, it just felt like I was back in the Paratroopers….. it was that real.” explained former Lone Soldier Jered B. “Hey, are you going to finish that Shawarma or what?

This guy Siggchi is for real.” enthused Armored Corps veteran Doron S. “I mean, he takes all his meals for free in the Lone Soldier Center over by Nordau.” Doron lowered his voice to a whisper. “My friends say that once he finishes his pretend-IDF service, he’s taking a pretend-backpacking trip to India.”

Yet it’s not only Siggchi’s Lone Soldier-caliber freebie detection skills that has impressed the veteran community. “He speaks better Hebrew than most of the Anglo Olim in my old unit.” noted Linda D. “Hey, do you think he also lies his ass off about his job when he hits on Taglit girls?

When asked for a response to Sigcchi’s cosplay, an IDF spokesperson said, “I’m not doing this.” (Note: THIS REALLY HAPPENED).

UPDATE: As the Daily Freier went to print, we learned that Sigcchi intended to switch units and was now inhaling magic marker fumes “to feel more like a Golani“.