Jerusalem, Rasko: “After years of complaining about America, my cousins made Aliyah…. both the far-right and the far-left one!” gushed Jerusalem resident Chana N. “It all happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to ask them to bring me a suitcase full of Q-Tips, Montreal Spice, and Ziplocs.They arrived yesterday and immediately started their Aliyah blogs!”
Chana scrolled through her Facebook feed looking for each cousins’ posts. “Every time President Trump did something she didn’t like, my cousin Leora would write ‘That’s it! I can’t stay in America, I’m making Aliyah!‘ ….So far so good, right?”
“But with my other cousin, Miri, it was the exact same thing except it was Obama and Pelosi…. They’ve been saying it for years.”
Of course, when pressed about actually making Aliyah, each cited some vague excuses about ‘Parnasa’ and asked when Target and Amazon were going to start shipping to Israel. But after spending years as “Almost Olim“, America’s current Bi-Partisan Balagan helped make up their minds!
The Daily Freier reached both Leora and Miri on a Zoom call at their Quarantine Hotels. After politely listening to their gripes about the hotel food, we asked each woman why she made Aliyah: was it because of their Zionist ideals, a sense of religious duty, or were they escaping antisemitism? Miri chimed in. “First week of September my cousin in Israel is sending her kids to school and our old school district is closed! I’ll do anything to escape from a year of distance learning… Anything!”
In a show of solidarity and unity, both Leora and Miri vowed to wear their Nefesh B’ Nefesh hats until Moschiach arrives.
New York: In stunning news, an academic of Jewish descent named Rachel Bat Dolezal Jessica Krug was revealed to be masquerading as an Afro-Latina woman. Doctor Krug, originally from Kansas City, went to great lengths to hone her Woke credentials, including adopting a “street” New York accent so absurd that anyone who grew up in the Tri-State area was reduced to giggling uncontrollably (Bonus points: when she inevitably trashed the IDF, she did it with that accent!) The story is amazing, including such delicious tidbits as people getting suspicious because she was horrible at salsa dancing.
While this was seen by many as a career-ending scandal, others within the Woke As-A-Jewish Community sensed an opportunity. That’s right, Jessica Krug is now working for the beating heart of Progressive As-A-Jewdaism, IfNotNow. The Daily Freier spoke with IfNotNow co-founder, Progressive Christian Activist Seth Woody about this Revelation of Good News.
“A talent like Doctor Krug doesn’t come around every day.” explained Seth as he got ready to teach his next Communion class. “So we knew we had to act quickly. We signed her to a 5-year contract with an option to extend.“
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Woody about the qualities in Doctor Krug that caught IFNotNow’s attention. Seth thought for a moment and replied: “Well, she’s Woke to the point of being Performative, has a hostile relationship with her Jewish heritage, and tends to make things up. Plus, she’s batshit crazy. She’s a perfect fit for our organization.“
Of course, not everyone on the Progressive Left was happy about the move. Noted Twitter personality Ari L. Gold was livid. “Seriously?” Ari exclaimed. “So getting kicked out of Israel and chaining yourself to the Venezuelan Embassy doesn’t count for anything? If you think I’m not going to Tweet about this for the next three weeks, you’re mistaken.”
As the IfNotNow intern ushered us out after the interview, a stream of attendees arrived for their High Holiday Planning Meeting in order to prepare for Purim and Tu B’Shvat.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Many of you know Dizengoff Center as a place with quirky shops, a playground with a slide exiting an elephant’s tuchus (really), and a Kafkaesque design plan. But did you know that Dizengoff Center has a rooftop Urban Eco Farm? Well it does, and it contains really cool things like bamboo, an herbal wall, beehives, and greenhouses! Trouble is, the insects that are supposed to inhabit the ecosystem keep getting hopelessly lost in and around Dizengoff Center. That’s right, the insects in Dizengoff Center are just as confused and disoriented as you are. The Daily Freier stopped by to talk with some of our friends from the Invertebrate Community and offer our support.
“I’ve really just given up hope.” sighed a cricket named Dudu. “I moved here last month from Holon because the rent was cheap and the view was amazing. But I’ve been wandering the parking garage for five days and I have no idea where I am.” Dudu turned around, trying to find a familiar landmark. ” I just feel like I’ve made a huge mistake.“
“This doesn’t even make any sense.” complained a honeybee named Devorah somewhere near the food court. “I was supposed to meet a girlfriend for coffee so I left the hive early just in case…. I’ve passed that weird tattoo shop four times in the last hour.“
Finally, the Daily Freier met up with a speckled moth named Uri near the movie theater. “I left the greenhouse four hours ago to get a smoothie and now I can’t find my way home. I read the Daily Freier and thought that Olim only get lost here because they’re idiots.” Uri stared silently into the distance. “But it’s real… it’s real.”
Dubai: Years of hard work by diplomats from the United Arab Emirates, Israel, and the United States are up in smoke today after the UAE abruptly withdrew from its Peace Deal with Israel. What caused this change? The BDS Movement? No. An angry phone call from Abu Mazen? Nope. The whiny complaints of Ben Rhodes or Peter Beinart? No, but they were hilarious. No, No, No. In the end, the deal was destroyed by the arrival of a unique threat. That’s right, Israeli tourists showed up. The Daily Freier was able to get the facts just before Dubai permanently banned Israelis again forever.
“It seemed like a good idea.” explained a Tourism Ministry employee named Ahmed. “The young Israelis said they wanted to have a ‘Nature Party’ on the sand dunes. Who doesn’t love nature?” Ahmed took a long sip from his coffee and stared out the window into the distance. “Your young people really like trance music and Ecstasy.“
“We had a problem on a flight last night.” sighed Ibrahim, a Customs Officer at Dubai International Airport. “We don’t even know how the Israelis got on the airplane during Corona, but they did.” Ibrahim nervously fidgeted with his cigarette and continued. “May I ask you a question? What does ‘Ani rotzah shokolad‘ mean?“
Finally, the Daily Freier stopped by the Dubai Hilton to try to figure out what went wrong. “I am sorry, but I do not have time to speak with you.” explained the manager. “The bathrobes and hair dryers are currently missing from all of our rooms.“
When asked about the abrupt diplomatic loss, Prime Minister Netanyahu was surprisingly relaxed. “The irony is that the Emiratis did not even get a chance to meet our National Dream Team of Tourist All-Stars.“
Tel Aviv: So we got good news and bad news. First, the good news. We met a recent arrival to Israel who is enthusiastic, refuses to quit, and determined to make it work here. The bad news is it’s the Corona Virus. The virus, who immigrated to Israel in late February and is named Rachel or Sarah, was kind enough to sit down with the Daily Freier at that cute cafe near Ben Yehuda that’s really popular with Olim.
“OMG I love it here!” enthused the virus. The Daily Freier asked the virus about her story. “So, like my family was originally from China, but then I just started traveling! It was so exciting! Europe! North America! It felt like I was on Gap Year!“
The Daily Freier asked the virus if it had any long-term goals in Israel. “I’m going to start my own NGO!” she replied. “It’s going to be like Taglit, except it will bring young infectious viruses to Israel! Isn’t this exciting?!! Imagine…. a virus riding a camel! Taking shots of Tubi! It just made out with the cute soldier from the bus! It’s got mud all over its body at the Dead Sea! ” (Later, we reluctantly had to admit that this idea wasn’t the dumbest piece of Israel Advocacy that we had ever heard of.)
Then the virus started to “spill tea” on life in Israel. “I hooked up with a Golani last week! We met at the beach!” Then the virus turned introspective. “But why isn’t he calling me? I mean, I got his text that he’s sick with a high fever. But is that just some kind of commitment issues bullshit? They say he’s in an isolation ward on his base, but I think he’s just ghosting me.“
As we got up to leave, the virus had one more question. “So when do I get my 750 Shekels from the Government for Covid Relief?“
UPDATE: There appears to be an End Date to the Corona Epidemic. After the Holidays, she’s going to get married and move to Ra’anana and then nobody will ever hear from her again.
With so much confusion in the streets, it is sometimes difficult to make heads or tails of what is happening to us, or more importantly, Who is doing these things to us. Which is why I was Quite Chuffed by the recent Twitter activity of Mister Ice Cube. Mister Cube truly cuts through the proverbial noise to deliver some rather uncomfortable truths. Incidentally, many of these Uncomfortable Truths deal with a certain group of people who may or may not be over-represented in the Entertainment Industry. And the Banks. And the Weather. Ice Cube has had some rather unpleasant run-ins with this group, who sadly lack the ability to understand irony and thus appreciate Mr. Cube’s constructive criticism. One thinks of Mister Jerry Heller, Ice Cube’s former manager in the group NWA. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 30 years since Ice Cube wrote “No Vaseline“, which is quite simply a Masters Class in Speaking Truth to Power. When Ice Cube complained that his fellow bandmates had “Let a Jew break up our crew“, well you could have knocked me over with a feather. When Mister Cube then admonished his former bandmates (more out of sadness than anger, one might add) that there was “a white Jew tellin’ you what to do“, one knew that class was in session.
So imagine my pleasant surprise when Ice Cube tweeted a photo of my favorite mural in London. And what a powerful mural it is. The backs of the Oppressed balancing a Monopoly Board. The International Bankers who stand above them, many of whom have a more than incidental physical similarity to some chaps I have encountered on the Northern Line. Now there was the usual complaints from the (((usual))) usual corners, but my only advice to Mister Cube is to continue to Speak Your Truth. For in the immortal words of Chuck D, “Apology made to whoever pleases. Still they got me like Jesus.“
Tune in next week when we discuss the exciting career renaissance of Professor Griff!
Jerusalem: A recent spate of COVID-19 infections has drawn suspicion of health department officials as several young religious men infected with the virus are insisting that they have not been participating in illegal minyamin, shiurim or attending weddings, but have in fact, caught the virus at a local gym.
A GYM in Jerusalem? What’s next? Actual Nightlife? At first, we thought it was an urban legend (much like the affordable apartment in Nachlaot or all those high-paying jobs where you don’t need to speak any Hebrew). But upon further investigation, we discovered that indeed there was a gym and that it has been a hotbed of COVID-19 infection.
We asked Yossi D, a young Charedi man from Bayit VeGan, how he found himself in a gym in the first place. “My Hebrew isn’t so good, I saw a sign that said “חֲדַר כֹּשֶׁר” and thought it was something religious… kosher room, right?”
Yossi described how he had the virus for days but didn’t realize. “I was a bit tired, feverish, and the food had no taste. It took a long time for me to notice because I’m Ashkenazi and I’m kinda used to it.“
In order to get all sides of the story, The Daily Freier stopped by the gym (which is now closed but somehow doing classes over Zoom. It’s complicated.) and we were greeted by Sasha, the burly ex-Soviet fitness coach. “Yossi? Yes, he is good kid. But I had to yell at him when he smoked cigarettes in between sets on the incline bench. Also, he kept asking where the coffee machine was.“
The Daily Freier asked Sasha if the Fitness World could accommodate a group of people who had their own lingo, were distrustful of outsiders, and strictly observed a long list of rituals.
Sasha put down the kettle bell, thought for a moment, and replied: “You mean like CrossFit?“
Over the past year, the Daily Freier has grown very attached to our favorite Tel Aviv cult community organization. We even teased them a little in an article! So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news that Kerem House had moved a few blocks away. Anyhoo, we cyber-stalked various Kerem House Committee Members and asked them the reason why they decided to move. So Behold, here is our Research!
1) We received a message from HaShem.
2) The Police started to ask questions about our Crypto Currency.
3) We needed to break up with our vegetable guy at the Shuk.
4) Wanted to be closer to Bograshov when the French arrive in August.
5) It was a chance to score another free Mezuzah from Chabad on the Coast.
6) The guys from MidBurn built a tipi on our roof and refused to leave.
7) We explained this in our Newsletter. Wait, you don’t subscribe to our Newsletter? Here, give me your phone. OK, you’re signed up now.
8) The mold in our bathroom wanted to live closer to the beach.
9) We applied for a Nefesh B’Nefesh “Go North” grant.
10) You’re gonna have to attend our next weird-ass TED Talk to find out.
Jerusalem: People are talking of a Modern Day Miracle in the Holy Land this week, as the Unthinkable has come True. That’s right, apparently someone got out of their Hot Cable contract. The Daily Freier wandered around Ben Yehuda Street asking people for their opinion on this Nes Gadol that Haya Po.
“This is Amazing, but I have some questions.” noted Adi, a Tech Sector employee from Modiin. “Did they go through the Website? They couldn’t have gone through the website.“
“So did they find a Sabra to yell at them on their behalf?” inquired Tel Aviv Childcare worker Arielle. “Because the moment they figured out I was an Olah, it was Game Over.“
“Okay I’m quitting today. If they could do it, I can do it.” enthused Motti, an independent contractor from Jerusalem. The Daily Freier had to gently explain to Motti that it was an Evangelical Christian Group that was not renewed, and this was because it was suspected of targeting Jews for Conversion to Christianity.
“So wait, all I need to do is talk about ‘You-Know-Who‘ and I can get out of my contract?” asked Motti. “Too Easy.“
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Motti was on the phone with Hot Cable asking the Customer Service Representative if she had a moment to discuss their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Jerusalem: Today Nefesh B’Nefesh released unpredecedented news: in the past week not a single Oleh threatened to “move back to America“. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is an NGO dedicated to facilitating the Aliyah and success of Anglo Olim, a group that has earned a very unfair reputation of being a bunch of needy and entitled goofs. You see, it appears that Anglo, and especially American, Olim have a reputation for complaining. Anyhoo, for some weird reason, ZERO American Olim posted angry rants on Facebook or Aliyah Blogs about moving back this week, and nobody knows why. The Daily Freier pestered various Thought Leaders in the Olim Community until we got 500 words for our article.
First we spoke to Liami Lawrence, founder of Keep Olim in Israel, a Facebook community known for its calm discussions among Olim. “This is Amazing, and it’s all because of our incredible Counseling Services and job placement network! We finally did it!” he explained. The Daily Freier tried to argue that maybe some stuff might be happening in the United States that influenced this trend, but Liami had to cut the conversation short in order to moderate a post on Keep Olim’s Facebook page where someone was complaining about complainers and people were complaining about it.
The Daily Freier then stopped by Nefesh B’ Nefesh, and spoke to a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva, Elisheva, or Just Sheva. “It’s all because of our A-Ma-Zing Tel Aviv Hub! Did you know we host beer making classes? Also, once we moved all the chairs and had a Zoomba class!” The Daily Freier countered that perhaps there might be some current events affecting the plans of American Olim, but she cut us off and handed out some pamphlets for their “Go North” program.
Finally, the Daily Freier checked in at the Misrad HaKlita, but the Security Guard told us to make an Online Appointment, so we will have an update some time in late July.
The Daily Freier looks forward to the upcoming surge of new immigrants from America, thus fulfilling our Nightmare Dystopian Fantasy of an Israel completely run by Anglo Olim.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.