1. Gonna smash you like Kristallnacht tonight.
2. Get ready for the Battle of my Bulge.
3. Wanna come to my place and listen to some Wagner?
4. Take off my Lederhosen. Slowly.
5. Your Love is making me crazier than Rudolph Hess.
6. I wanna Hotchkiss you all over. Til the night closes in.
7. Touch my Messerschmidt.
8. Your panties will fall faster than France in 1940.
9. What do you think about Porta-Potties?
10. Ever fantasize about a Maoist Jew-hating Trustafarian?
1. Bangor Über Alles
2. The Final Solution To Maine’s Problems
3. Heil Hotchkiss!
4. More Oysters Less Oy Vey
5. Putting The “SS” In “Success”
6. Scarier Than A Steven King Novel!
7. A New Order For New England!
8. A Goose Step In The Right Direction!
9. Bar Harbor Macht Frei
10. The Nazi Trustafarian Cosplaying Fisherman That Maine Needs Right Now
1. The New Ayatollah was locked in his room all night dancing by himself to Madonna’s “Vogue” album.
2. We just wanted to see Trump’s deranged Truth Social post after they were rescued.
3. Nick Fuentes made a Giant Scene in the War Room when we wouldn’t let him fly the drone.
4. We kept waiting for Maverick and Rooster to try to fly them out in an old F-14.
5. Ilhan was going to send us the American Distress Codes, but it was Date Night with her husband/brother.
6. Our Search Party was using Waze.
7. Thought the strange foreigner running shirtless in the woods was just Jeremy Corbyn on Holiday again.
8. Should have suspected those Mountain Goat Herders when they started playing Matkot.
9. We didn’t think the Americans could pull off this operation without the help of Spain and France.
10. Our IT Department was closed for Pesach.
Good News! The Kerem House in Tel Aviv is having a Seder! Yes, the place that once hosted a bunch of Zonked Out Midburners with a lack of proper footwear on their roof! Yeah, those guys! Plus, they’re collaborating with Tel Aviv International Synagogue! Anyhoo, this event promises to be Off The Hook. So hurry up and get your tickets while you still can using this link! But in the meantime, the Daily Freier has been sneakily collecting Intelligence on the upcoming event, and we have constructed some Amazing Predictions of what you will experience at Kerem House this Wednesday night. So Behold: The Top Ten Surprises at the Kerem House Seder! Spoiler Alert: Some of these things have already come true.
1. You find the Afikomen but they just give you some Kerem House Crypto currency.
2. Daniel plans a Flash Mob where everyone comes dressed as their Favorite Plague.
3. That’s not Eliyahu HaNavi at the door, it’s their angry French neighbor with a noise complaint.
4. Jason & Daniel’s Duet of “Had Gadya” is getting a little frisky.
5. Hey, what did Jason do with all the Bitter Herbs?
6. The Ancient Egypt-themed Settlers of Catan tournament.
7. I really don’t remember the Haggadah having a speed-dating event.
8. Daniel convinces Pharaoh to do a Kerem
House TED Talk via Zoom after the Holiday.
9. In order to remember Our Time in Bondage, you’re all doing their dishes after the Seder.
10. After 4 cups of wine, Jason signs you up for his Master Campers “40 days wandering the Negev” event.
1. The Straits are closed but he still has more oil than Diddy.
2. He works out at Holmes Gym in Dizengoff Center.
3. Still Looking for an Iftar with Bottomless Mimosas.
4. His Safe House has track lighting and tasteful but subdued carpeting.
5. Selling his tickets to Lady Gaga because “something came up“.
6. Grindr profile says he’s “On the DL” and “does not travel“.
7. The TikTok of him singing “Islands in the Stream” with Yahya Sinwar.
8. Blew his cover at the Bazaar today because he wanted to “make an Entrance”.
9. Always on fishing trips with Mohammed El-Kurd but they never bring back any fish.*
10. Skipped last year’s Al Quds Conference because he was “in my Annie Lennox Phase“.
* This is clearly a Brokeback Mountain Reference.
Special Thanks to Tireless Citizen Journalists Ari Calvo and Lee Saunders!
1. There’s a red dot on the wall but nobody has a laser pointer.
2. Why did the tea lady just call you “Mami”?
3. Your new IT guy insisted on working from home today.
4. The security guard is snacking on Hamantaschen.
5. Conference room is reserved for “Soleimani Reunion 2026”.
6. You open Bluetooth and see “Dudu’s burner phone”.
7. The felafel guy gave you a free Apple Air Tag with your order.
8. Bird on the windowsill is tweeting Hatikvah.
9. You sneeze and a man in the heating ducts says “LeBriyut!”.
10. Photographer for the group picture wants you to stand on some red and white concentric circles.
1. Zayn quit One Direction
2. NBC didn’t renew Freaks & Geeks
3. Candace Owens tried to pronounce “anecdote”
4. Barbra Streisand announced her Goodbye Tour
5. “That” scene in The Crying Game
6. Last year’s Finale of The Bachelor
7. Kim told Khloe that Tristan cheated on her
8. Bruce Willis died at the end of Armageddon
9. Bennifer broke up for the second time
10. Trump called Rosie O’Donnel fat
So Jerry Nadler is retiring from Congress and Hashem has a sense of humor. Because an even more annoying Jew-ish person is running for his vacant seat. Cameron Kasky’s brand is basically being a less-accomplished version of Mamdani, only kinda Jewish. And he HATES Israel. So imagine our surprise when journalist Eliana Goldin cold busted him at Ben Gurion Airport wearing a Covid mask and trying to be incognito! Then, in a fit of bravery, he accused Eliana of being a “narc“! Does he think that she’s his mean Freshman Dorm RA or something? But we here at the Daily Freier just KNOW that Cam had to have a good reason to run the BDS gauntlet and visit Altneuland. Because if he didn’t, that would make him kind of a hypocrite. So behold: Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel!
1. My HMO assigned me to Doctor Shakshuka.
2. Jewish Voice for Peace told me that Sukkot is this week.
3. Muhammad El-Kurd said there’s a really chill hookah bar in Ramallah where he “keeps it on the DL”.
4. Wanted a free trip with Taglit but they banned me after “the hummus incident” in Williamsburg.
5. Zohran asked me to “take lots of pictures” of Army bases, bus terminals, and ports.
6. Really wanted to see the Bernie Sanders statue on Frishman Beach.
7. Ilhan wants to open a Daycare Center in Jenin and asked me to look at some Real Estate.
8. Needed some talking points for Tucker’s show next week.
9. Rashida dared me to tape $50,000 in non-sequential bills to my body and deliver it to her Uncle in Nablus.
10. Honestly, I thought I would get away with it.
The Daily Freier spent the last four years dunking on Biden and his team of Woke Dorks to the point where some folks questioned our impartiality. But deep in our hearts we knew that with the Return of the Donald, we would be in our Salad Days of new Mishigas every day, and Team Trump did not disappoint. That’s right, Team Trump shared classified War Plans for Yemen in a group chat and then accidentally added journalist Jeffrey Goldberg. Thank You, Mr. Trump! Here’s to Four More Years of waking up each morning with Superior Content to share with you, our loyal readership. So without further ado, behold: “Team Trump’s Top Ten Excuses for Classified Leak on Group Chat”!
1. “sleepyjoesux” is not in fact a secure password.
2. Wait, that guy on the chat wasn’t Goldberg the Wrestler?
3. Thought we’d be safe using Ivanka’s kosher phones.
4. The Qataris assured Steve Witkoff that you can safely send classified documents on these phones.
5. The hookers in Pete Hegseth’s hotel suite spilled tequila and glitter on the Secure Telephones.
6. Our IT guy got his degree from Trump University.
7. Tulsi wore that black crop top to work again and we lost our train of thought.
8. Elon Baby Mama Drama.
9. We just wanted to play “Houthi and the Blowfish” on Spotify.
10. Difficult to focus with all the loud davening at Trump Yeshiva.
With today’s reality of hectic schedules and struggling to maintain a work/life balance, Safety in the Home is often neglected. Yet we at the Daily Freier actually know a guy who has somehow managed to stay safe despite the fact that he is a shut-in who weirdly insists that people are trying to kill him. So we reached out to our neighbor to the North (Did you know that the Daily Freier was once on Hezbollah Television? Neither did we!) for advice. Don’t let anyone tell you that Sheikh Nasrallah is not helpful, because he was very quick with his response to us, despite the fact that he insisted on communicating via Western Union Telegram. So here it is: Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips!
1) An Electric Coffee Maker should never greet you in the morning by saying “Heyoosh!”
2) Never trust a Beeper Salesman who offers you free Chasers of Tubi.
3) Your watch is ticking: OK. Your IPod Touch is ticking: Not OK.
4) Ibrahim Aqil probably shouldn’t have posted that meet-up on LinkedIn.
5) Just because an Electronics Company has low prices & good service doesn’t mean it’s not secretly Israeli.*
6) Remember when a Telemarketer was the worst kind of phone call that you could get? Good Times.
7) Wait, why did my Google Calendar just schedule a meeting next Tuesday afternoon with Soleimani?
8) “Imad Mugniyeh once hired us to detail his car.” is NOT a good reference on a Company’s website.
9) That guy who said Open Communication is the key to good relationships? Well he’s an idiot.
10) Careful! Some cultures respond aggressively when you fire missiles at them every day for 12 months.
* OK but this was really an honest mistake on their part. -The Daily Freier Editorial Staff