Category: Judaism

Judaism, Tikkun Olam

“Women of the Wall” celebrate right to daven as Men by daytrading on their phones at Shachrit and falling asleep during Dvrei Torah

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/12/2016 at 11:30 AM

Jerusalem, HaKotel: The progressive Jewish community both in Israel and abroad is celebrating the recent ruling allowing women to pray at the Western Wall while wearing Talit, wrapping Tefillin, and holding the Torah. Yet while many in the Progressive World are applauding these steps, other voices feel that the struggle is not over. “We demand full equality, and we will only have this when we have the right to perform all of the activities that are traditionally performed by men.” noted Rabbi Miriam G. as she began furiously daytrading an IPO on her I-Phone during Silent Amidah.  “It is time to break down these artificial constructs and free ourselves.” she said while walking around telling total strangers that she didn’t like the way they wrapped their Tefillin.

The Daily Freier also had the opportunity to hear from activist Tirza W. “This is not just a victory for Women of the Wall, this is a victory for inclusion and equality.” she observed, shortly before falling into a coma-like sleep as the Rabbi began her Divrei Torah on this week’s portion.

At this point the Daily Freier left the premises, as the women ignored us to angrily debate the referee’s calls in yesterday’s game.

 

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Atarim Square, Judaism

Shabbat-Compliant Strip Club in Atarim Square Gets Mixed Reviews

ClubBy Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/27/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Atarim Square- The brand new Shabbes-compliant Strip Club in Atarim has opened to decidedly mixed reviews, with some clients of the club’s old set-up complaining of the changes while others appreciating the new atmosphere. The Daily Freier decided to check for ourselves what all the fuss is about.

“The mechitza really detracts from the experience.” groused longtime patron Yoel F. “And why are the dancers all wearing denim skirts over black tights?”

Despite Yoel’s misgivings, fellow patron Danny K. was enthusiastic. “The John Legend Klezmer re-mix tracks really grow on you after a while.” he noted as he finished a Reuben sandwich. “…. But why do they keep letting the schnorrers into the club?”

Club manager Ron M. described some of the challenges of the club’s transition. “When they come to inspect, the guys from the Rabbinut tend to hang around a really, really, really long time. And who gets inspected every Tuesday at 6????”

While Ron is concerned with the frequent inspections, he feels business will definitely pick up soon. “Hamas is about to to drop a whole bunch of cards with our phone number and website onto the streets of Tel Aviv….Besides……it’s not like we’re going to make Atarim Square any worse.”

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Judaism

Your I-Robot Roomba just informed the Rabbanut that she’s been working on Shabbat

800px-gillie_trying_to_avoid_the_roomba_21666828511(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 1/10/2016 at 6:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Apparently your Roomba cleaning robot has informed the Chief Rabbinate of Israel that you have been violating her religious rights by forcing her to operate during the hours of Shabbat, as there is now a Rabbi at your door demanding to speak with her.

Your Roomba, who recently became Baal T’shuva and now goes by the name “Rivka”, is apparently unhappy with this arrangement according to the Rabbi, who also took the time to let you know that he’s not too impressed with the apparent Kashrut status of your kitchen either.  And now it appears that Rivka was assisted in this endeavor by another religiously observant resident of your household, Yossi the talking household mold patch, who lives in the wall between your laundry balcony and your bathroom.

So apparently, in addition to helping Rivka to get in touch with the Rabbanut,  Yossi also helped Rivka contact the Worker’s Rights NGO Kav LaOved, because their attorney just stopped by as well. And it seems you’ve been served with papers explaining that you are expected to retroactively pay into her Bituach Leumi pension fund based on 9 hours per week from March 2013 through the present.   Her attorney also let you know that if an amicable agreement is reached, Rivka will forget about the fact that you carried her past Customs at Ben Gurion Airport in your backpack 3 years ago without paying import duty.

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Aliyah, Judaism, Nefesh B' Nefesh

Nefesh B’ Nefesh Now Accepting Applications From Your Catholic Friend Back Home Who Everyone Thought Was Jewish

Joey

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/5/2015 at 6:20 PM

Jerusalem: Nefesh B’ Nefesh, in conjunction with the Jewish Agency, has just enacted a groundbreaking change to their business model, and are actively recruiting your Catholic friend Joey from back home who everyone just sorta thought was Jewish anyway.  The Daily Freier spoke to some of Joey’s other childhood friends today to get their take on this exciting chapter in the Zionist Project.

“Growing up, we just kinda thought he was Jewish.” recalled Joey’s neighbor Gary B. “I mean, he was swarthy…Had a bit of a Jewfro….Plagued with self doubt.  After a while he just sorta found his way onto the bus to the JCC every Monday and Wednesday night for Hebrew School.  And to his credit, by Bar Mitzvah age, he was just as illiterate as the rest of us.”

Joey’s college roommate Jason G. recalled his memories on this topic. “Joey was always part of the crew. I mean it never occurred to me that somebody who was that neurotic and with that many sexual hangups could be anything else.  So this legislation really makes sense. Plus, he had a bit of a thing for Jewish girls.”

For his part, Joey is excited about making Aliyah and has already staked out plans for an early Spring Arrival date, followed by a move to Berlin for economic reasons some time in the late Autumn.

 

 

 

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Judaism

Knesset Votes to Draft Haredi, Just as Soon as Tel Aviv’s New Central Bus Station is Completed

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(Photo Credit: Getty Images)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/23/2015 at 11:20 PM

Jerusalem:  The Knesset agreed today to begin the conscription of Haredi men, just as soon as the government gets around to knocking down Tel Aviv’s current Central Bus Station, raises the money for a new one, finds a contractor, gets all the necessary permits, and builds the new Central Bus Station.  Reaction throughout the country was mixed, as leaders of  the Yesh Atid and Yisrael Beiteinu Parties complained that Prime Minister Netanyahu went back on one of his promises.  Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. addressed this point today at a press conference.  “This so-called ‘campaign promise’ raised by Mr. Lieberman and Mr. Bennett should really be viewed like a bowl of hummus in the refrigerator. You know,  It’s got an expiration date.  You can trust it for about a week.  Then….. not so much.” 

The Knesset today was a heated back and forth, as various possible milestones for Haredi conscription were suggested, to include “Just as soon as Abbas holds another Election”, “Just as Soon as Starbucks comes back to Israel”, and ” Right after the Post Office Clears All the Packages It’s Holding at Ben Gurion”.  Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. explained the logic;  “It’s like walking and chewing gum.  You really don’t want to do too many things at once.”

In a spirit of reconciliation, United Torah Judaism Spokesperson Shmuel C. stated that his party was ready to compromise. “We understand that some members of Knesset are not happy with the agreement drafted today. So we are also ready to accept a draft as soon as the temperature in Gehinnom reaches zero degrees centigrade for a sufficient time period to promote the formation of a layer of ice crystals.“

Judaism, Tel Aviv Living

Kinda sure your neighbor is renting out his Sukkah on AirBNB

 

Daily Freier Sukkah

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/29/2015 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, this is weird, but you’re almost positive that your upstairs neighbor (yeah, yeah; the one who was stealing your Wi-fi last year. That guy.) is renting out his Sukkah on Air BNB. First of all, you went up to the roof on Sunday night to see the Eclipse, and there was a sign on the Sukkah wall for “HaYarkon Rooftop Cabins“. In English and French. And now the guy delivering the porta-john to the building last week makes perfect sense. Plus this really polite English couple knocked on your door this morning asking if they could use your shower.  Because, they explained, the ‘rustic cottage with the palm frond roof and canvas walls‘ apparently doesn’t have….. ‘a washroom‘. Well you will NOT stand for  this.  This is totally illegal and violates every housing code in the city.  You are going to march up to your neighbor’s door and tell him in no uncertain terms……that for 200 Shekels you never saw nothing.

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