Tag: IDF

"The Squad", Hamas

IDF Finds Hamas Tunnel Under Ilhan Omar’s Gaza Daycare Center
“Some People Leared Something”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2 January 2026 at 2:35 PM

Rafah: Combat Engineers working in concert with elements of the Golani Brigade announced the discovery of a Hamas Tunnel under the City’s “Quality Learing Center“. The Daycare Center is part of a franchise operated by Representative Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Mogadishu) that receives funding from the State of Minnesota and has been open since 2021. The Daily Freier reported from today’s IDF Conference about the discovery.

“Our troops were forced to move slowly, as we overestimated the number of Hamas terrorists in the tunnels.”  explained IDF Spokesman Captain Ron C. “You see, our Intelligence Unit counted both Ilhan Omar’s ‘husbands’ and ‘brothers’ without understanding that there’s a bit of overlap. But the lack of any actual kids in the Daycare Center made the operation easier.”

Representative Omar reacted swiftly to the accusations, writing on Twitter “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” (Haha! Just kidding! But not really!)

For his part, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz blamed the political fallout over the tunnels on “White Supremacy.” (Haha, just kidding again! But not really!)

Music fans were relieved to learn that famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters emerged unhurt from the tunnel.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, BDS

“They made me hang out in Ashdod!” Greta Thunberg describes torture by IDF
“Do I have the Right of Return you this Sandwich?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM

Ashdod: The International Community was in an uproar today as Greta Thunberg communicated to the Outside World from The Zionist Entity about just what sorts of torture she was being subjected to. Specifically, Ms. Thunberg has been sent to Ashdod, which is worse than Afula a city 40 kilometers south of Tel Aviv. We were able to speak to Greta as she juggled Zoom calls from CNN, Al Jazeera, and a visibly smitten Piers Morgan.

“OK this place sucks.” complained Ms. Thunberg as she tried in vain to find a cool place in town to get drinks tonight. “This place actually gives me FOMO for Rishon LeZion.” The Daily Freier asked Greta to describe her impression of Ashdod in one sentence. Ms. Thunberg thought for a moment, deleted 4 unread texts from Peter Beinart, and replied: “It’s like Ashkelon without the crazy nightlife.“

The Daily Freier asked Ms. Thunberg if there were any redeeming qualities to her newfound place of temporary residence. “So I was really excited when I found out about the Philistine Museum in Ashdod.” Greta noted. “But it was a total rip-off. Nothing about Marwan Barghouti, nothing about the Sinwar Brothers, nothing about Me. It was just a bunch of stupid Exhibits about some Idiots who showed up on Boats from Greece.” Ms. Thunberg looked into the distance for a moment deep in thought. “Wait a second….”

Searching for answers, The Daily Freier contacted Ashdod Municipality and spoke to a friendly lady named Sapir. “That girl complains about everything, even the sandwich she got from the IDF. I mean, it’s still better than the Food in Ben Gurion Terminal One!” The Daily Freier asked Sapir if the City has any contingency plans in case Greta continues to complain. “Normally in Ashdod, we just send our problems to Beit Shemesh on a wagon driven by Oxen.“

As the Daily Freier prepared to publish the story, we got a WhatsApp message from Ms. Thunberg asking us if we knew about “any good clubs in Modiin“.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Al Jazeera

Lazy Al Jazeera Journalist Has Only One Hostage in His Attic

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12 June 2024 at 5:30 PM

Gaza: Al Jazeera journalist Firas H. is suffering some serious reputational damage in his hometown these days. You see, Firas is currently holding just one Israeli hostage in the crawlspace above his Khan Yunis living room, and his lack of motivation is causing his neighbors to talk.

“Just who does this guy think he is?” asked local greengrocer Mohamed K. “This shows poor character and possibly reflects badly on his upbringing.”

“This is just shameful.” chastised University student Fatima H. “I don’t know this layabout, but we are distant cousins. My greatest fear is that his lack of ambition will negatively affect my marriage prospects. I mean, people talk around here.”

The Daily Freier tried to stop by the Al Jazeera office in Jerusalem, but then we remembered that Israel kicked their tuchuses (tuchi?) out of Israel last month. So we spoke to Firas’s manager Karim via Zoom from his Qatar office.

“I am sick of this fool.” lamented Karim as he smoked a cigarette. “Constantly giving me excuses for not holding more ‘Israelis’ in his attic. ‘The floor cannot hold the weight. Their crying would disturb my baby.’ This sort of nonsense.” Karim dragged on his cigarette and continued. “Now Abdallah Aljamal? That guy was a real go-getter! Three Hostages in his house! You want to get promoted? Be more like Abdallah!” Firas looked around the room for a minute and shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, without the whole ‘getting shot by Israelis when they break into your house’ thing, know what I’m saying?”

As the Daily Freier finished our phone call, Abdallah told us that he loved the architecture at the Kirya IDF Headquarters in Tel Aviv, and asked if we could take some photos of the Entry Control Point on Kaplan Street for him.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War

Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Aid Pier is in Trouble
Pier Review

The Daily Freier is literally beside itself with the news that America’s Humanitarian Aid Pier in Gaza washed up on Ashdod Beach and is now playing Matkot while drinking arak with grapefruit juice. But how did it all come to this? How did such an amazingly Intelligent and Foolproof plan go so tragically… ummm… off course? Looking for answers, we spent the better part of the morning querying our friends in the 450 WhatsApp groups that we are trapped in. Then we walked around Dizengoff Center pestering strangers until we had enough data points to create this extensive list of Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Pier is in Trouble:

  1. Your Tugboat Driver is Ben Gvir.
  2. The U.S. Naval Attaché is on Secret Tel Aviv “asking for a friend” about tonight’s Tide Schedules.
  3. You catch Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet fooling around up by the Bow.
  4. A Realtor named Ronit just listed your Landing Craft on Ashdod Yad Shtayim as a “Beachfront Rental“.
  5. The Sailor On Watch is actually just a dude from Tel Aviv dressed like the Village People.
  6. The Landing Craft’s Coxswain is using Waze.
  7. The Conning Tower just became Ba’al T’shuva and turned off its Signal Beacons for Shabbat.
  8. You get a super long text from the Floating Barge where she says you “feel distant” and “drifting apart“.
  9. The IDF Liaison Officer says his Fax Machine ran out of paper.
  10. The Sailors are busy playing volleyball in nothing but jorts & dog tags while listening to Kenny Loggins.
  11. It’s all a big stunt to appease some crazy Jew-Haters in Dearborn but they hate America anyway.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Israellycool

IDF Discovers Mohammed El-Kurd’s Closet in Gaza Tunnel

Gaza City – Israeli forces announced a critical discovery this morning with far-reaching ramifications. Soldiers in the IDF’s Combat Engineer Battalion operating in tunnels 30 meters below Gaza City have uncovered a closet belonging to Palestinian Media Personality Mohammed El-Kurd. The Daily Freier spoke with Captain “Yossi”, an embedded IDF Public Affairs Officer as he briefed the Media via Zoom.

“We must be very cautious.” whispered Captain Yossi as troops gingerly approached the structure. “We believe that Mr. El-Kurd is hiding in the closet at this very moment.”

(Check out the full story over at Israellycool today!)

 

 

Mossad, Start Up Nation

Israel deploys experts from El Al to cripple Damascus Airport

(Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/2/2022 at 13:30

Damascus: In a scene right out of spy Thrillers like “Fauda” or “Tehran“, Israel has infiltrated Damascus International Airport, crippling Iranian weapons shipments. Yet this feat was accomplished not by the vaunted Israeli Air Force, nor was it accomplished by the secretive Mossad. Rather, Damascus Airport was taken down by an elite team from El Al Airlines. You see, when it comes to really screwing up air travel, nobody comes close to the expertise of El Al. There is even a Facebook group to complain about them (Spoiler Alert: They don’t care). In order to get the whole story, The Daily Freier spoke with stranded travelers and employees at Damascus Airport via Zoom and pestered some real journalists who were actually on the scene.

“Somebody just took down our website.” complained Ahmed from the Airport’s IT office. “How do you take down a website that runs on Windows 95? Who still has access to that technology? Our country has been in a civil war for 11 years. What’s your excuse?”

“I’ve been on hold for 7 hours.” noted a frustrated woman named Fatima as she watched her 3 children while trying to reach a customer service representative. “If this sorcery is the work of the Jews, then they are even more clever than we previously believed.“

While we spoke to Fatima, another traveler joined in and noted his experience. “I finally got through on the telephone to a human.” explained Saleh. “Unfortunately, he told me that the only person who can help me is on Maternity Leave. When I told him that my luggage has been lost for 3 days, he called me a Liar.“

The International Community was quick to condemn Israel’s actions at Damascus Airport. A spokesperson for Russia’s foreign ministry declared that “The provocative Israeli attack against essential civilian infrastructure is an absolutely unacceptable violation of international norms”. (REAL WORLD NON-SATIRE ALERT: Russia really really said this.)

A Syrian official speaking on condition of anonymity stated that El Al’s attacks would have actually been much worse, but Damascus Airport stopped using Fax Machines in 2007.

Birthright, Dating and Relationships, Israel's Spy Animals

I think the IDF Dolphin on my Taglit bus is hitting on me

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 1/14/2022 at 8:30 AM

Somewhere in the Arava– So this Taglit trip has been A-Ma-Zing! I can’t believe they let us into the country finally! We’ve seen EVERYTHING! And our bus is so fun!

Also, the IDF guys on our bus are so down to earth and chill!  This one guy Danny is something called a “Lone Soldier“? He’s pretty cool, but is it weird that he eats all the food off our plates when we’re full? Or when we get up to go to the bathroom? Is that like an Israeli custom? Anyways, they’re all great. This other guy named Itzhik was in the Navy, and get this: He’s a dolphin! Can I say that? Is that racist?

Anyway, Itzhik is so cool! He just got back from Gaza and I guess he did some crazy stuff there. So it gets even crazier!  Every time we get back on the bus, Itzhik brings me a small present!  Yesterday he brought me a piece of string. Today he brought me a small mackerel!  Is this like an Israeli thing that I don’t know about? Is he flirting with me?

So tonight we’re going to stay at a Guest House on the edge of this giant crater in the Negev!  How cool is that? And guess who wants to show me a special spot where you can see all the stars!  Itzhik!  Wait, is this moving too fast?

OK, this is bullshit. As we were getting ready to leave the Ecological Desert Kibbutz, I ran into Jessica from Boston and she was talking about how tonight Itzhik promised to show her “a special spot where you can see all the stars.“

I hate Israeli dolphins.

"The Squad", Hamas

Three of Ilhan Omar’s Ex-Husbands/Brothers feared missing in Gaza Tunnel Collapse
“Some people did something.”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/16/2021 at 9:30 AM

Gaza: Tragedy struck the Gaza Strip yesterday as Israel destroyed a giant tunnel complex, trapping many Hamas fighters in the rubble. Yet this crisis has been compounded with news that three of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s brothers and/or ex-husbands are among the missing. We’re not 100% sure. You see, with the Honorable Ms. Omar, the whole “husband” or “brother” title often gets lost in the weeds. Ms. Omar has a history of saying some not so nice things to say about the Jooz, but that didn’t stop us at the Daily Freier from showing up at the press conference in solidarity with her missing Brusbands.

“Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” Congresswoman Omar sta…..Wait, sorry! She really really said this once! Sorry folks, running satire pieces about these people is harder than you think.

Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, so Ms. Omar was asked about why the United States continued to support Israel and she replied “It’s all about the Benjamins.” which was…. wait what? She actually said this in real life? OK we quit.

So yeah, we tried to write this story but it got away from us. Tune in next week when Ilhan accidentally sings “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” on a hot mike and Peter Beinart puts it in context for us.

UPDATE: While credible reports place Roger Waters in the same tunnel complex, he is not currently a husband and/or brother of Congresswoman Omar. We think.

Start Up Nation, The IDF

Victory: IDF weaponizes its inability to write a proper English sentence

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2021 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Israel scored a major victory today over Hamas forces in the Gaza Strip, as sources claim that dozens of Hamas fighters were killed in their underground bunkers. Yet the tactical deception that preceded the attack is just as important as the aerial strikes. You see, The IDF sent out a tweet claiming that the IDF was attacking “in the Gaza Strip” leading Hamas troops to move to their attack tunnels. However, whoever wrote the Tweet had as much of a grasp of English prepositions as the guy on Banana Beach last year who wanted to sleep with you and/or invite you to his mom’s Moshav for Shabbat that weekend. In fact, IDF troops were engaged in combat operations on the Israeli side of the border. The Daily Freier rushed to an impromptu News Conference at IDF Headquarters on Kaplan Street.

As newscasters from throughout Israel and the World waited, an IDF spokesperson named Dudi strolled into the briefing room carrying a darbuka drum and a bag of sunflower seeds.

“The ehhmm….ehmm the Tweet it was good, no?” inquired Dudi as he rolled a spliff and sipped a coffee hafuch.

An attractive female newscaster from Denmark asked Dudi just what went into the strategic decision to trick Hamas with false information.

“Ehhm, it was a big nothing, you understand what I’m saying?” Dudi replied while winking. Then he offered the newscaster a chaser of Arak.

The Daily Freier demanded to know how a World-Class Military force with access to thousands of native-English speaking citizens failed to produce proper English sentences, yet Dudi responded that all of the Anglo Olim in Israel had been called up on emergency taskings in order to augment the IDF’s Olah Hadashah Code talking Unit.

As the news conference drew to a close, Dudi indicated that upon completion of his IDF obligations, he would go back to writing the English translations for Tel Aviv menus.

Israeli Politics, The IDF

Lone Soldier Political Party will join Coalition for an iPhone charger, 2 spliffs, and some Bamba

(photo credit: The Leeor Institute for Lone Soldier Research)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/20/2021 at 4:30 PM

The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.

“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”

“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished  “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”

The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.