Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Responding to published reports, the IDF acknowledged the existence of a previously secret unit: an Olah Hadashah Code Talking unit. Inspired by the famed Navajo Code Talkers of World War II who confused the Japanese Army by speaking in a dialect known only to members of their tribe, there is now a unit comprised specifically of women who have recently immigrated from North America. And Operation Yeleda Lavana has so far been an amazing success, confusing and confounding Israel’s enemies. The Daily Freier was able to somehow secure press credentials and sit in on a Press Conference at the Kirya.
IDF Spokesperson Elad L. explained that despite the natural talents of the recruits, extra training was provided by experts in not being understood in Hebrew, to include Israeli Basketball legend Tal Brody. When asked why there was not a Code Talker unit of Olim Hadashim, Elad explained that there was only so many times that one can say “Bro” in a radio conversation before it loses its meaning. Finally, Elad played an excerpt of an actual radio exchange from the team.
Operator 1: Gimmel Matayim Shalosh? Zot Rachel, Wait, I mean Aleph Arbaim ve Shmonay.
Operator 2:Lo shamati. Lo shamati.
Operator 1: Eych omrim command post?
Operator 2 (whispering):OMG my mefaked is So. Hot.
Unknown Male Voice:Pardon me you Zionist She-Jackals. This is Ali. You know, from Hezbollah. I am sorry to interrupt but I must correct your use of future tense with the Peh-Gronit. You appear to be using the incorrect Binyan in your conversation. It is incredibly difficult for me to even follow this dialogue, and I respectfully ask that you stick to Standard Modern Hebrew. Again, I apologize for the interruption to your hegemonic Zionist conversation. Please continue.
Operator 1: Aval like Lo hevanti?
Elad admitted that Operation Yeleda Lavana experienced a work stoppage this week after the sushi place on Ibn Gavriol stopped delivering.
This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars. According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now. But no. This town is crawling with dudes. If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.
And where are all these guys’ clothes? I don’t get it. I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot. It’s hardly June. And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it. And why is everyone in such good shape? That dude over there is ripped. The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous. I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe? I should go ask him.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM
Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months. You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar. And who is this who just sat down next to you? Is he new here? He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.
So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service. And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley! So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license. And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35. But whatever.
So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli. And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch”. That’s like really sexist.
Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser! Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something. “This guy’s a dog.”
“But he seems nice!”
“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.”
“I think you’re just jealous.”
OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention. Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night. But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.
New York, Turtle Bay: United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon reacted with undisguised anger to published reports alleging that the Israel Defense Force is using a new and potentially dangerous interrogation technique: placing detainees at a Sabbath table comprised completely of French Jews. From Paris. Speaking only French. At a slightly elevated noise volume. All… Night… Long… Secretary General Moon explained his objections to the Daily Freier during a break from his busy schedule of not helping to solve the Syrian crisis.
“Israel simply cannot behave in this fashion if it wishes to improve its standing in the Community of Nations. I mean, the mere thought of this activity is horrifying. It reminds me of the time I was trapped in an elevator with François Hollande and Nicolas Sarkozy for 45 minutes during a power outage.”
Israel responded to Secretary Moon’s statement, explaining the effectiveness of the technique. “We only do this with our real hard cases, the tough guys.” stated IDF spokesperson Guy T. “Just last Shabbat we had a Hamas guy on a hunger strike. We put him at a table of new French Olim. By the time of Kiddush he was fidgeting in his seat. Soon he was visibly sweating and talking to himself. Before the Birkat HaMazon he looked me in the eye and said ‘Get me out of here.’ Twenty minutes later he was in his cell eating a falafel.”
When the Daily Freier asked Guy if there was an interrogation technique that would work with a table of American Olim, he said he’d get back to us after more than 5 Americans make Aliyah and stay at least 6 months.
Tel Aviv, Bograshov: In a move described by the city’s in-crowd as “revolutionary”, “earth shattering”, and “paradigm smashing”, an IDF Lone Soldier living in Tel Aviv bought something. Using money. Not at a discounted rate. From a store. Not from Secret Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to break this story to the public.
“I needed a hat.” explained Danny as he sipped a beer at a local bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda. “I’m going to the Negev for a concert tomorrow and I needed a hat.” Danny, originally from the United States, described his predicament. “I was going to jump on Secret Tel Aviv and ask for a free hat, but my idiot neighbor decided to password protect his Wi-Fi last week, and I didn’t feel like walking down the street to check Facebook outside the Sushi place with a hotspot. So anyway, I was walking down Dizengoff on my way to the Lone Soldier’s Center for dinner, and I was like…..’Hey I need a hat. And they sell hats here.’ So I like, bought. A hat.” Danny stared across the bar in disbelief as the news sunk in. “I know…. I’m just as confused as you are.”
Word of Danny’s extravagant purchase spread like wildfire throughout the Olim Community, with some very strong opinions. “Oh, so I guess Moneybags just ‘buys hats’ now. Must be nice.” chided fellow Lone Soldier Jeremy C. , who continued to criticize Danny’s actions until abruptly ending the conversation a minute later. “Please excuse me. It says on ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ that somebody is moving back to Australia and giving away dry pasta and a futon. I gotta roll.”
As the Daily Freier concluded the interview, Danny asked if we were going to finish our pizza or what.
Herzliya Pituach- World leaders woke up this morning to the shocking revelation that Israel’s famed Secret Service had crippled Iran’s guided missile program by giving the Iranians the popular and sometimes also accurate navigation App “Waze”. Waze, an Israeli start-up success story that in 2013 was sold to Google for $1 Billion, was secretly uploaded into the Iranian missile guidance database through an unknown Third Party working in coordination with the Mossad. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a shadowy guy named “Tzvi” outside Google’s Herzliya campus.
“This was a difficult assignment. We wanted a program that would spoof the Iranian missile software into calculating the supposedly shortest route, but in reality it sends the projectile on a boondoggle. So I talked to a friend, who talked to a friend, who copied Waze onto their server. Now the navigation system directs the missiles aimed at Tel Aviv to first swing by a Tim Horton’s Doughnut Shop just north of Saskatoon.”
Iran reacted in undisguised panic this morning at the revelation. A Revolutionary Guard Corps Spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the chaos. “This is worse than Stuxnet. We’ve lost at least six months. To add insult to injury, we just found out that our Al Quds Force homepage works off of Wix.”
Jerusalem: Israeli supermodel and renowned IDF non-veteran Bar Refaeli was hauled before the Knesset Emergency Committee (KEC) this week to explain how her recent wedding almost dragged Israel into the Syrian civil war and engulfed the country in a fight with Lebanon. Stressed out about the secret wedding photographs being auctioned to trashy magazines, Refaeli bought two drones to hover 1,000 feet above the chuppah in northern Israel in order to deter local and global media attention. When the batteries in the remote control failed, the drones drifted towards Beirut, and the Lebanese militia called in reinforcements. It turned out that Refaeli, who has received free cars, free apartments and was recently under investigation for tax evasion, had not bought the drones but they were actually a remote control airplane with a cellphone camera attached, belonging to her cousin’s neighbor’s former roommate’s eight year-old little cousin Asaf.
Vowing revenge, the fanatical Hezbollah promised no stone would be left unturned in their hunt for the culprits. Unconfirmed reports from local gossip media magazine “Salaam Beirut” alleged that Hassan Nasrallah was aggrieved at not being invited to the wedding. At the moment that orders were given to shoot down the camera-with-wings, Refaeli’s bridesmaids accidentally knocked the remote control out of Asaf’s hands, sending the drone nosediving towards the ISIS-held Syrian village of Beit-al-wadi-forgot-the-rest.
Summoned before the Knesset, she told court reporters: “I am sorry for the balagan, I could not take any chances. I heard one of the religious magazines were sending in under-cover rabbis to officiate and the whole thing made me panic. I am genuinely sorry I never served in the IDF and dodged tax but I never wanted to hurt my country. I didn’t enlist because I felt dating Leonardo Dicaprio and being seen on Fox billboards were good ways to raise Israel’s profile abroad. Am Yisrael Chai.” Before leaving with a suspended fine, she announced that she was pregnant with her first child. Although little Refaeli is not expected until later this year, the nation began to check their bomb shelters and started downloading “Red Alert” in advance.
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force conducted a contentious press conference today, where its spokesperson refused to comment on the empty bag of Bamba snack food and crumpled COFIX Coffee cup found in bushes 50 meters from the site where Samir Kuntar and other Hezbollah-affiliated operatives were fixed up on a blind date with some virgins killed by missiles early this morning. “The IDF has no comment on these so-called snack foods found at the scene of today’s events.”
THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: In a hastily called emergency session, the Tel Aviv Municipal Council of Guys opted to respond to the current security situation by naming “Let me Walk You Home, It’s Dangerous” as the city’s top cheesy pickup line. Spokesperson Tal H. explained the change at a press conference following the meeting. “In peacetime, it’s perfectly alright to say ‘Come up for a cup of coffee‘ or ‘I know the best hummus place‘, but these are difficult times.” In addition, Tal urged members of the Council to utilize the following banter while running game: “You can feel the tension in the air. Maybe it’s time we go home”, or “Let’s stay in tonight. It’s dangerous“. Tal conceded that “I was in the IDF” is still an acceptable line, but only on or around Birthright tours.
The new campaign, while promising, has seen decidedly mixed results, with a posting by one “Tal H.” to the popular forum Secret Tel Aviv asking the following question: “What is the easiest way to get pepper spray out of your chest hair? Asking for a friend.”
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Home Front Command has teamed up with the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv in order to create a real-world door-to-door simulation of the site in case the city experiences a wartime loss of Internet. The Secret Tel Aviv Mobile Team consists of IDF reservists along with veteran Internet trolls of Secret Tel Aviv, under the command of Captain Uri P., a career officer from Home Front Command. The Daily Freier sat down with the Captain to learn more about this exciting development.
“This all started during last summer’s Gaza War. We knew that Hamas was aiming its missiles at Tel Aviv’s critical infrastructure. We also knew that Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for 50% of all commerce in the city for used cosmetics, old shoes, and broken I-Phones. In addition, Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for at least a third of all household repairs in the city, from women asking strange men to come unclog their sinks ‘in exchange for coffee’. So we knew that if Secret Tel Aviv were to go down, it could cripple the city. I mean, how would Olim Hadashim know that they suck and should return to their country of origin if it weren’t for Secret Tel Aviv?” Captain Uri went on to explain how he assembles his team. “If you spend your days on Secret Tel Avivasking for crowd-sourced advice on your relationship issues, if you try to sell small shampoos that you got from when you stayed in a hotel, if you say ‘Welcome to Israel’ to people who post that their bike got stolen……your country needs you.”
Although the unit officially stood up just this month, The Secret Tel Aviv Team began operating unofficially last summer at the height of the conflict. The Daily Freier spoke to some members of the Tel Aviv public about their experience with Secret Tel Aviv Team.
Recent Immigrant Jacques L. also described his experience. “I had just made Aliyah from France in June. So when I went to the public shelter during the alert, I didn’t really know anybody. But then Secret Tel Aviv showed up. One guy told me that it was because of me that nobody could afford an apartment, and that I was probably only going to spend 2 months a year there anyway. Also, a woman told me that her washing machine was broken and that she would be really grateful if I came over and fixed it. Then she said ‘wink wink’. I mean I’m French and all but it was still sketchy as hell. Then another guy just started ranting incoherently about FOREX and Binary….It was at that moment that I knew we were all in this together and that Israel is my home. Am Yisrael Chai.”
Captain Uri told the Daily Freier that based on the early success of Secret Tel Aviv, Homefront Command plans to also create a team that in wartime will go door-to-door with the Facebook page “Keeping Olim in Israel” doing everything they can to convince Olim that they’ve made a huge mistake.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.