Tag: Tel Aviv Living

Daily Freier satire Tel Aviv Israel Apple Store Tinder
Dating and Relationships, Start Up Nation

Tinder: 90% of all Tel Avivians’ fantasies involve city getting a real Apple Store

(This photo was not taken in Israel)

By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/4/2017 at 9:30 PM

Dizengoff Center: The popular dating App “Tinder” just announced a shocking revelation about its Israeli market: that fully 90% of all fantasies of users in Greater Tel Aviv involve Tel Aviv actually getting a real Apple Store. Not a knockoff. Not a place that “sends your computer to a lab”. A real Apple Store. Like with a Genius Bar. The Daily Freier went ahead and read some of the hotter testimonials.

A guy named Rami K., who just got busted at Ben Gurion trying to bring the new iPhone back from the States, went into some pretty graphic details. “So in my dream I meet these really hot twins at the beach. And they’re here on a MASA program. And they believe all of my lines about being a combat soldier and owning a Startup… And then they invite me back to their apartment. To ‘watch a movie’. But when I walk in, it’s actually an Apple Store….. and then they…. I’m sorry but this is just too freaky….They fix my MacBook Pro in less than 4 weeks and for less than the cost of buying a new one.”

Then there was Shlomi, who recently switched from trolling Secret Tel Aviv to Tinder. “So in my dream, I get transported to a place that calls itself ‘Startup Nation’. And in this dream, people don’t fly to America to buy a MacBook Air because….. I mean this is kind of weird right?….. the cost of the MacBook Air in Startup Nation is less than the combined cost of the MacBook Air in New York plus a flight ticket….is there like something wrong with me or something?”

The Daily Freier even found out that one of the people sharing their deepest secrets was our very own Guest Writer Mia Deych. “So I keep having this incredibly vivid dream where I meet this guy. And he takes me on an actual date. Like he pays for it and everything. In Tel Aviv. Weird, right? And after dinner we go for a walk and somehow end up in Dizengoff Center Mall. And instead of that ridiculous ‘I-Store’ there was a real no-kidding Apple Store. With helpful and knowledgeable employees. And big giant windows. And they had the latest Apple TV. Oh, and at the end of the dream we were able to find our way out of Dizengoff Center.”

Welcome to Israel.

the-mold-colony-in-your-tel-aviv-apartment-asked-you-to-co-sign-his-new-lease-daily-freier
Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

The mold colony in your Tel Aviv Apartment just asked you to co-sign his lease

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/25/2017 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: The colony of mold that lives in the wall between your bathroom and your laundry room has decided to stay in your Tel Aviv apartment for at least another year. But your landlord wants a co-sign on the lease. So the the mold, who goes by “Yossi”, has asked for your help. Yossi explained his decision to stay another year to the Daily Freier.

“The apartment is right off of Bograshov Street. Despite the fact that it’s basically turned into France, the location is amazing.” Yossi explained, as he slowly continued his expansion into the apartment’s communal hallway. “Plus the landlord is just the best. Doesn’t do anything that would cause problems for me, like modernizing the plumbing, weatherproofing the windows, or replacing the old wooden cabinets. I basically have the run of the place.”

Yossi went on to describe just how hard it was to find a place to live in Tel Aviv. “I tried everything. I checked for apartment on Secret Tel Aviv, but it was nothing but freaks. I even tried Keep Olim in Israel, but in the time it took me to post to the site, I somehow got in an argument about Binary Options.”

Yossi says he is going to split the rent with Boaz the cloud from the Golan Heights who saved his IDF platoon from an ISIS ambush. But Boaz is still finishing up the Army and won’t move in until some time in the late Summer after his post-Army trip to India, so your landlord really wants someone else to co-sign. And other than him asking you to try to help maintain a kosher kitchen, and occasionally releasing spores into the air that make you sneeze and cough, he is kind of low maintenance. Come to think of it, he’s probably the most normal housemate you’ve had so far in Israel.

 

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv bar under investigation for only having 12 owners

Tel Aviv Bar 123 owners Daily Freier*Legal Disclaimer: The bar depicted in this photo has NOTHING to do with this story. But it may or may not be located in the new Shuk Rothschild/Allenby. And the author may or may not have enjoyed a good Alma Lager and a good Shapira Pale Ale for a total bill of just 30 Shekels. With tip. Just needed to share.

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/20/2017 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild:  The city’s night life and social scene are in turmoil today as news leaked out of a disturbing secret: that there’s a bar in Tel Aviv with less than 17 owners. Normally, going out in the city means that at any given time you are out at a bar there is a 10% chance that you are actually a part owner of the establishment. But there’s a new bar in town. With only 12 co-owners. And it’s got people talking. The Daily Freier spoke with members of Tel Aviv’s Office of Code Enforcement concerning their investigation.

“In this city, it’s all about enforcing standards.” explained Chief Code Enforcement Officer Smadar T. “I mean, just last year we had to move against your newspaper the Daily Freier when it ran a fake story about a guy selling his adult movie collection on Secret Tel Aviv after a guy in real life went and sold his “someone else’s” adult movie collection on Secret Tel Aviv……So when we found out that this bar had only 12 owners, we became concerned. Incidentally, we are also investigating a bar on Dizengoff without any stools and long tables outside and where the waitstaff act like they actually want to be there.”

Of course, the bar owners in question are quite unhappy about the investigation. the Daily Freier was able to find one of the 12 owners, ‘Alon’ (but his real name is ‘Ron’) to get his side of the story.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost the bar. I mean, it’s  everything to me.”  explained Alon. “Well, everything to me and the other 11 owners: my cool cousin Tomer, my idiot cousin Tomer, my vaad bayit, Yair, Benny my friend who only ate sunflower seeds for his first six months in the Army , Yoni, my neighbor’s dad, my dad’s neighbor, Yaniv, that guy who sat next to me in second grade, and Shuki.”

In its continued quest to investigate suspicious activity, the Code Enforcement Department also announced plans to investigate a professional dog walker in North Tel Aviv who walks only walks 9 dogs at a time, and a Tel Aviv startup that doesn’t have a ping-pong table on its roof.

New Israel Lotto game asks you to Guess the Street Liquid Daily Freier Israel news satire
Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

New Israel Lotto game asks you to Guess the Street Liquid

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/26/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda: By popular demand, the Israeli Lottery Authority introduced a new game this week, entitled “Guess the Street Liquid“. Each Lotto kiosk now has a puddle of unknown origin on its sidewalk, with local citizens invited to try their luck guessing its contents. Despite the seemingly simple aspects of this game of chance, there are some rules. While Lotto encourages using one’s sense of sight and sense of smell, there is a strict “No Touching” rule. The Daily Freier hung out with the kiosk attendant “Dudu” for about a half hour and watched the citizens of Tel Aviv take a spin with Lady Luck.

First on the scene was Alert local Ronit S., who stopped by the kiosk on her way home from the Shuk and decided to try out this new game of chance. Ronit spent a full minute contemplating the puddle, carefully circling the puddle from right to left and then from left to right before making her guess and filling out the bubbles on the Lottery Card.

“So I think this is mazgan runoff. Mixed with mop water. And maybe a dash of pee.”

Next to stop by was Gideon.” Since we are only a few blocks from that arsey club on the corner of Ben Yehuda and Allenby, and seeing as they had a big promotion last night, I’m going with ‘Goldstar, vomit, and bad decisions’. OK, give me a bubble sheet to fill out.”

Finally, recent Oleh Zachary decided to place a wager. Zachary took a moment to smell the air around the puddle before placing his eyes at street level to make an expert analysis. “I gotta go with burnt peanut oil, because of the buffet over there.” noted Zachary as he gestured toward the nearby Chinese restaurant. “But there’s just too much funk from sunflower seed husks and body odor. So I gotta say that somebody also spilled that new cologne ‘Tahanah Merkazit’. OK so where do I collect my prize?”

 

Save

Save

Save

Save

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

Hundreds compete to be named Tel Aviv’s Worst Bartender

Tel Aviv's Shittiest Bartender Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/17/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv: The city is abuzz this weekend with some exciting action: the competition to be named “Tel Aviv’s Next Top Shitty Bartender“. Tel Aviv Municipality’s Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained. “While it’s true that the Imperial Cocktail Bar was recognized as the Best in the Middle East, we felt that this discriminated against one of the Start-Up Nation’s Core Competencies: Indifferent or Slightly Hostile Customer Service.” Safir took the Daily Freier down to the competition site on Ben Yehuda Street to scope out the talent.

The Municipality had set up a mock bar where competitors were run through realistic scenarios to include:

  1. “Customer just interrupted you while you were texting your boyfriend.“
  2. “Customer wants ice.”
  3. “Customer at all-you-can-drink event has the chutzpah to ask for another drink.”

While all of the competitors were amazing, some simply stood out for their awesome lack of a give-a-shit. The Daily Freier spoke with one of the stars, a guy named Avner, about the events so far.

“So these people kept annoying the hell out of me. Just really stressing me out. What do you call those idiots who hang around the bar asking for things when you’re trying to check Tinder or work on your Start-up?”

The Daily Freier helpfully added “Customers?”

“Yeah that’s it. Anyways, these ‘Customers‘ kept bothering me. I mean, it’s not like I work for tips or anything.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with Romi, who seemed a bit frustrated from one of the tougher scenarios: “Giving the customer change“.

“OK, this guy gave me 200 shekels for a 135 shekel bill.” explained Romi.  “So the idiot kept waiting for me to give him some money back or something. Whatever. I just assumed that the rest was my tip. I mean, I’m kinda hot.”

After being tested for three hours, Sapir was ready to crown a guy named Yoav the winner. Unfortunately Yoav stepped out for a smoke break thirty minutes earlier and had not yet returned.

 

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Bikes, Facial Hair

Half of Tel Aviv Under Arrest After Witness Describes Bike Theft Suspect as “Guy with Sort of a Hipster Beard”

(Photo Credit: The Artist Formerly Known as Snir)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/12/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Approximately 46% of the city is in police custody today after a man spotted stealing a bicycle on Allenby was described by eyewitnesses as “brown or black hair, with sort of a hipster beard. Possibly a man bun, but maybe not”.  The Daily Freier went down to Police Headquarters to check out the balagan first-hand.

With thousands of men milling around in giant makeshift holding pens, Jabotinsky between Dizengoff and Ben Yehuda Streets was completely cut off to traffic.  The police shouted orders to the assembled men by bullhorn, but to little effect. It appeared that the prisoners had themselves issued a list of demands, to include: better Wi-Fi, some coffee hafuch, rolling papers, more outlets to charge their I-Phones, and Krembo.

Despite the chaos, the Daily Freier was able to speak to those citizens who had assisted the authorities in their investigation. Alert local Ronit S. witnessed the theft and immediately went to the police to provide a statement.  “So I went to Headquarters and sat down with a sketch artist and described the guy who stole the bike. But when he was done drawing, the picture looked kinda like my last three ex-boyfriends. Oh yeah, I also told the cops that I overheard the suspect talk about his trip to Southeast Asia and that he was thinking of joining a start-up. Wait. Why are you laughing at me? I thought I was being helpful!”

As the city adjusts to the mass incarceration, the effects are already being felt. At least 22 coffee shops failed to open today due to a lack of employees.  In addition, Birthright Israel reported much more efficient movement of their tours throughout the city, unimpeded by guys approaching the women in their groups because they “just want to talk to you for a second”. The Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” crashed after 12,000 people asked, “for a friend”, how to bail yourself out of jail, create a makeshift pipe out of an apple and tinfoil, and/or which pizza places will deliver to jail. Over 5000 “arrested selfies” were also uploaded to the site before the server went down.

While incarcerated, four of the detainees have already collaborated on an app that allows you to crowd-source prison break attempts with other people currently detained in the same jail as you.

 

Secret Tel Aviv

Build Your Own Secret Tel Aviv Post!

Build your own Secret Tel Aviv post!** Updated January 18th 2016: Newer, Bigger, Weirder!

Greetings Tel Aviv! Ever wanted to write your own post for the site  Secret Tel Aviv but you’re afraid that your life is not bizarre enough to support the endeavor?  Well….problem solved!  Simply choose one item from from each of the menus below to create a custom Secret Tel Aviv post.

WARNING: While this attempts to create the feeling of a real Secret Tel Aviv post, nothing can compete with the real thing in terms of strange.

Hugs,

The Daily Freier

Save

Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv Psychic Allows Locals to Communicate With Friends and Loved Ones Who have Moved to Ra’anana

(800px-PikiWiki_Israel_12237_quot;orange_treequot;_in_raanana

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/5/2015 at 9:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Allenby Street: Mystical and exciting things are happening in Central Tel Aviv. Renowned  psychic Madame Rivka has been guiding residents on their spirit journey to contact those who have left this plane of existence and crossed over to live in the city of Ra’anana, 25 kilometers north of Tel Aviv.  Madame Rivka allowed the Daily Freier to sit in on one such session last week.

As Madame Rivka prepared for the encounter, local businesswoman Jennifer K. explained what brought her to seek out a psychic.  “My friends Lisa and Ben moved to Ra’anana after they got married, and I literally never saw them again.  It was so eerie.  One day we were going to the Jaffa flea market, and then, BANG!, they were gone. Like to another parallel universe.”

Madame Rivka slipped into a trance and soon made contact with Lisa and Ben.  “They say they are bored.  Very, Very bored.”

“Wow, can you ask them if they’re ok???  Are they suffering???” replied an astonished Jennifer.

Madame Rivka seemed to go into a deeper trance and replied “It’s hard for me to get an answer to this question.  They keep repeating a mantra over and over again: “Good schools. We have a yard. Good Schools.”  It’s just hard for me to break through this wall of rationalizing and self-delusion.”

Jennifer then asked Madame Rivka when she would see her friends again.  “They say that you should come and spend Shabbat with them after the Holidays.”

At this point Jennifer laughed and said “Yeah, like THAT’S going to happen.”

Tel Aviv Living

Old Guy in Golf Cart on Ibn Gavriol is Actually 3rd Most Powerful Man in Tel Aviv

Daily Freier Ibn gavriol

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/19/2015 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano:

The seemingly nondescript older gentleman who is currently holding up traffic on this vital North-South arterial accompanied by a mystery woman is actually the 3rd most powerful man in Tel Aviv.  While his purple golf cart with the plastic tub bungee-corded to the rear bumper may not look like much, it in fact belongs to a man who is not to be trifled with.  Sergei P., a doorman at the nightclub ‘Valium’ with a neck larger than this reporter’s torso, explained a recent encounter.  “So he pulls up in his golf cart right out front of the building  and proceeded to walk in right past security.  I yelled at him and told him to get the hell out of here…..Then my manager ran over in a panic.  I mean,with the fear of death in his eyes. He told me I had 5 seconds to fix this or we were both finished.  So I apologized profusely and escorted him to his own booth.  Fortunately, he was chill and didn’t make a big deal out of this.”  Sergei then stared into space and said “It could have been a lot worse.  A lot, lot worse.”

At the same time, many residents have reached out to the man in the golf cart to solve problems when nobody else can help.  New arrival Deborah K. describes her story.  “I was getting charged way to much for my electric bill.  I knew something was wrong, but whenever I called their “customer service” I got the runaround.  When I described my problem, I swear to God the woman said ‘Welcome to Israel.’ I didn’t know what to do, and then my friends all said ‘Talk to the guy on the purple golf cart’.  So I flagged him down last week on Nordau, and I was practically crying.  But he just smiled and said ‘I’ll take care of it’.  The next day the Electric Company called ME.  Hey Golf Cart Man, You rock!”

     Not all encounters with Purple Golf Cart Man end happily, however.  Local  resident Jeremy S. found himself behind the golf cart last week on his drive home from work.  “I was trying to turn left onto Pinchas and he was just puttering along, blocking the lane.  I honked the horn and gave him the finger.” Jeremy then goes silent for 10 seconds. ” Now I can’t get a felafel in this town.  I went to the place on Yirmiyahu last night and the guy at the counter looked straight through me and asked the guy behind me for his order…… Does anyone know where he’s driving his golf cart right now?  I need to apologize and fix this.”

    As of this afternoon, the reporters at the Daily Freir have determined that when they grow up they want to be  the Guy on the Purple Golf Cart.