Category: BDS

Vancouver: We Booked Noa Because Hanin Zoabi Was Busy

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(Photo Credit: Eurovision)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/15/2016 at 9:30 PM

Vancouver: The City’s Jewish Federation responded today to public outcry concerning their decision to invite controversial singer and Left Wing Activist Achinoam “Noa” Nini for their Israeli Independence Day festivities.  Ms. Nini, a talented Israeli singer/songwriter, is not shy about expressing her views on how much Israeli leaders and voters totally suck.  Yet while the situation has ruffled some feathers, the Federation stressed that the decision to book Noa was taken simply because Hanin Zoabi’s Spring schedule just could not accomodate a trip to Canada. Ms. Zoabi, a member of the Israeli Knesset when she is not sailing on boats with Hamas,  has been busy filming a pilot for BBC, running Israel’s version of “Scared Straight” for at-risk youth, and getting suspended from the Knesset for holding a moment of silence for people who stabbed Jews.  Ms Zoabi reacted with regret to the missed opportunity. “As much as I wanted to participate in Vancouver’s  Naqba Day Yom Ha’atzmaut festival, I just have too much going on.

Vancouver Federation spokesperson David G. explained his organization’s stance. “When we saw Ms. Zoabi’s performance in Amsterdam for Kristallnacht, we were just blown away. Simply amazing how she commemorated a solemn memorial to the Holocaust by trashing Israel.  So we really hoped we could book her to do a Spoken Word Poetry Slam.  But unfortunately, she just had too much on her plate.  It is for this reason that we booked Ms. Nini, and we are sure she will do just as well!”

For her part, Noa plans a performance that will include (Spoiler Alert!)  some of her original works, plus some songs by Roger Waters.

Reaction from Israel’s political arena was swift, with Naftali Bennett declaring that since Noa is now recognized as a political expert, that he plans to release a hip-hop album. Yet at the same time, many of Noa’s fans are traveling from near and far to see her.  The Daily Freier spoke to longtime fan Dickie Silverstein. “I really want to come up from Seattle for the concert, so I went on my blog to solicit donations to pay for my bus ticket and a room at the Super 8. So far I’ve raised enough money to get to Bellingham. I can’t wait!”

While Yom Ha’atzmaut 2016 is still months away, planning is already underway for Vancouver’s 2017 event.  “I can’t stress enough just how long it takes to plan these events to perfection. It is for this reason that we have already set up a committee to plan next year’s event.”  When the Daily Freier asked David for specifics on what they could expect, he coyly stated “All I can say is: Cat Stevens, call your agent!

 

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New Study of White College Students Links Prolonged Keffiyeh Use with Being a Prick

 

scienceBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/15/2015 at 1:20 PM

Washington: The National Institute of Health (NIH) issued a groundbreaking and controversial report today, providing clinical proof that prolonged and extended usage of keffiyehs by college-age white people can lead them to become just total insufferable pricks.  Sabrina H., a spokesperson for the NIH outlined the findings in a contentious press conference at the Institute’s Washington Headquarters.

The study we place before you today is the result of 8 years of prolonged research on multiple college campuses across the Western World.” Sabrina explained the linkage further, as she directed the audience’s attention to a Powerpoint Graph on a large screen. “What we are seeing is the progression of a typical subject sample named ‘Blake’.  Here we see Blake as he began Undergrad Studies at the University of Oregon in Eugene…..  So he’s showing a baseline of moderate dickish tendencies.  He is speaking incessantly of his ‘Gap Year’ experience teaching English abroad.  But notice what happens when he begins incorporating the keffiyeh into his wardrobe halfway through First Semester Sophomore Year.” Sabrina then gestured to a profound spike in the Graph’s Y-Axis of Prickdom. “Now this keffiyeh is serving as what the NIH describes as a ‘gateway’ accessory.  This keffiyeh opens him up to telling you at length about his change over to veganism.  He’s starting to read Mondoweiss, and not for the laughs.  He is now mere months away from interning on a documentary that includes the words ‘Olive Tree’, ‘Voices’, and ‘Nablus’. He may even start growing bad dreads.”

At this point in the presentation, several (keffiyeh clad!) members of George Washington University BDS staged a mock “Die-In”, disrupting the rest of the event and kinda proving our point.

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Wix Kinda Annoyed About Losing its BDS Clients

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 5:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Namal: Multiple Pro-Israel bloggers have begun publicizing the fact that Anti-Israel activists such as Max Blumenthal, Code Pink, and Students for Justice in Palestine are using the Israeli Platform Wix for their websites.  And Wix is getting a bit annoyed…. at the Pro-Israel Activists!   Wix Spokesperson Noam D. addressed the media at a Press Conference today at their Namal Port location.

So yeah. Jewsnews? Israellycool? Daily Freier?  You just publicly mocked clients of ours.  Paying. Clients.  I know this seems weird to some of you bloggers, but some of us on the Internet actually, like, make money and stuff.”

Noam was asked if she had a message for the Internet’s Israel Advocacy community. “Do I have a message for the Hasbarah Jamboree? Yeah sure I do……Hey guys, STFU!”

When asked for her personal opinion on the BDS organizations using the Wix platform, Noam replied, “Whatever. It’s not like we’re selling FOREX.”

 

Reykjavik City Council Boycotts Israel: Zionist Bjork Fans, Icelandic Matkot League Hardest Hit

 

Björk_at_Cannes(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/21/2015 at 11:00 AM

Reykjavik: The Reykjavik City Council’s boycott of Israeli goods is shaking key demographics in both nations, with fans of superstar Bjork who live in Judea and Samaria, along with Icelandic citizens who play the Israeli beach game of matkot feeling the brunt of the unfortunate turn of events.  The Daily Freier dispatched its International Affairs reporter to Iceland to cover this critical event, but he was eaten by a fire-breathing sea monster when he sailed over the edge of the earth (Hahahah! Just kidding!  No disrespect to our Icelandic readership! Some of our best friends are Icelandic!….Get it? Get it?)

The Daily Freier sat down with Sigur S., chairman of the Reykjavik chapter of the Pan-Icelandic Matkot League to discuss this troubling breach in relations in this critical international partnership.  “Just a balagan. A complete and total balagan.” noted a despondent Sigur as he munched on a mixture of  bamba and sunflower seeds.  “This is going to kill our big plans for a matkot tournament at the local lava-fed hot springs. Well, that and after last year’s ill-tempered walrus incident, nobody wants to sign up.”

Judea and Samaria’s vast fan-base of noted Icelandic musician Bjork is equally despondent.  Shmuel K., President of the Jordan Valley chapter of the Bjork Fanclub, shared his personal pain.  “I believe that HaShem gave this land to us, and I will defend Eretz Yisrael with my life…..But I also believe that “Human Behavior” is just about the most amazing song ever.  My wife BatSheva is a big fan also.  Sometimes, when we’re bored, we’ll just text Sugarcubes lyrics on Whatsapp to each other. But now what? What else can I listen to? I mean, ever since she dressed up as a giant duck, my previous obsession with the Cure just seems so….so….silly and immature.”

The Daily Freier urges its readers to chime in on this critical issue, or maybe just ask Chris Gunness what he thinks.

Tel Aviv University Graduate Students Invoke “Right of Return” In Attempt To Get Back Into Local Bracelet Bar

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Tel Aviv University graduate students Melissa P. and Kate D. have adopted “The Right of Return” in their ongoing dispute with a bracelet bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda.  The women’s ordeal began earlier this evening around 8:30 PM local time when they arrived at the establishment, purchasing the ’79 Shekel Red Bracelets’, allowing an unlimited amount of house wine, draft beer, and mixed drinks.  After spending several hours at the establishment getting, as one bystander noted, “hella wasted”, the ladies departed the bar.   It is at this point that the narratives of the protagonists in this ordeal diverge, with bar hostess Anat L. claiming that the ladies voluntarily left their seats and set out toward Dizengoff Street, while Melissa and Kate insisting that they were forcibly evicted from their land seats and cast out of the bar “for like no reason”. The Daily Freier spoke with Anat for her perspective on this ongoing tragedy.

Those two were out of control, but I guess the manager likes them.  Anyway, I told them that after 10 PM there is a noise ordinance, and if they want to stay outside they need to keep it down.  Well that led to an eye roll or two.  I had to go back to talk with them two more times.  On the last trip over there, Kate just said “F– this, we’re out, and they stormed off….. Of course they came back like 30 minutes later because, and I quote, “the other place sucked”. But by that time newcomers had settled at their table.  And to just  let them back in would totally disrupt the current demographics of the bar……Welcome to Israel.”

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Melissa and Kate for their side of the story. Melissa shared her perspective; “Whatever the hostess told you is total crap.  She hates us. She basically ran us off, and then turned around and said that we left on our own accord.  I mean yeah we left, but only because we knew that our friend Ran’s shift starts at 11 and that  if we came back he would take care of us at the bar.  But when we came back, our chairs were occupied.  The whole thing was a disaster……wait, I should know this…..how do you say ‘disaster’ in Arabic???” 

Kate was equally adamant that an injustice had occurred; “We bought these bracelets, and they’re good all night.  Our right of return is inalienable and cannot simply be negotiated away.”  When the Daily Freier asked Kate what kind of repercussions might occur if their wishes were not respected, she noted “If they think they can just get away with this shit, I will boycott them forever……or at least until next Wednesday.  That’s old school hip-hop night.”

Matisyahu Dropped from Music Festival After He Fails To Recognize Narnia as a State

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(Photo Credit: Matisyahu)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/18/2015 at 4:20 AM

Valencia, Spain: Jewish reggae star Matisyahu was disinvited from the Rototom Sunsplash Reggae Festival in Valencia, Spain after he refused to sign a statement recognizing Narnia as a state. Matisyahu was the only artist asked to sign the  statement,which also offered recognition of the Inalienable Right of Return for the Narnian people.  The Daily Freier caught up with event organizer Raoul C. for his views on the controversy.

“We simply asked Matisyahu to sign a statement recognizing Narnia as a state, ruled by Peter Pevensie….Or Aslan the talking lion. Take your pick.  They’re not really big on ‘elections’ and stuff in Narnia.” (when saying ‘elections’, Raoul made quote marks in the air with his fingers). The Daily Freier asked Raoul if Matisyahu’s religion figured into the controversy, but he was adamant that this was not the case. “We asked the same thing of every artist who was a swarthy hooked-nosed cosmopolitan, good with money and generally bad at sports….Just so happened that Matisyahu was the only one that fit the bill this time around.” When the Daily Freier challenged this statement, Raoul retorted “Oh come on….You act like this was the first time a Jew was asked to leave Spain.”

Daily Frieier Proud to Announce Launch of New Boardgame “BDS Twister”!

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/2/2015 at 9:30 AM

Ann Arbor:

Today the Daily Freier is proud to announce the launch of its exciting new boardgame, “BDS Twister“!  BDS Twister lets committed and self-identified “peace activists” find exciting new ways to square their progressive ideals with their tacit support of regimes under which being gay is illegal but honor killings are no big deal.  Daily Freier reporter Harun Kenoğlu covered the product launch today at Ann Arbor’s “People’s Third World Anarchist Food Co-Op” with the details.

“This game is amazing” noted an excited Ethan Smith as he contorted his body on the vinyl game board.  “The spinner landed on ‘Palestinian Unwed Pregnant Woman Killed by her Brothers and Cousins; They Get Six Months Suspended Jail Sentence‘, which is a tough one, but then I was able to contort my arms and shoulders and touch the circle for “Because of The Occupation”!  Winning!”

An equally excited Willow Amoud explained her winning moves. “I landed on ‘Gay Youth flee West Bank for Safety of Tel Aviv’, twisted my torso, popped my elbow, which is easy ‘cuz I’m double jointed, and landed  one hand on “Because of the Gaza Blockade”,  and the other on “Stop Pinkwashing!”  Double points!

Dylan Cohen, a grad student getting ready for a Masters program this Fall at Tel Aviv University, was beside himself with excitement. “So with BDS Twister, I can protest the Separation Fence, I mean ‘Apartheid Wall’, wave my American passport at the Border Police if they get too close, then return to Tel Aviv by nightfall knowing that because of the Wall, I can go out clubbing and drinking without the fear of getting blown up!  Amazing!”

Daily Freier contacted BDS organizer Omar Barghouti, who was less than thrilled but seemingly unsurprised  that a Jewish guy found a way to make a quick buck off of BDS.

In Stunning Change of Tactics, BDS Movement Now Recruiting Bad Musicians to Visit Israel

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(photo credit: backstreetboys.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 5/5/2015 at 2:32 PM

London:

The Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, long known for attempting to block artists from visiting Israel, has now stunningly changed tactics.  BDS is now actively recruiting truly bad musicians to visit Israel and inflict their art upon a helpeless populace.  “We felt that foisting bad art on them is the best way to hit  the Zionist Entity…..I mean Israel.” noted BDS Spokesperson Art Peterbein. According to Mr. Peterbein, “I mean it’s one thing to force the cancellation of a highly talented, highly nuts artist who thinks paying her taxes is optional, but inflicting a series of Boy Bands from the ’90’s just seemed more…..satisfying.”  Local residents reacted to this chillling new development with a mix of fear and annoyance.  Local shopkeeper Tomer P. stated “Robbie Williams was bad enough.  But Backstreet? I mean, that ain’t nothin’ but a heartache.  Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake. Tell me why?”  Ramat Gan housewife Bat Sheva S. was equally upset “OMG! A.J. ‘Bone’ McLean was my favorite!  But then, you know, I turned 12.”  As of this of this morning, Nickelback was still in negotiations with BDS for their Autumn 2015 tour of Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and Eilat.

Intellectually Honest BDS Supporter Fights Israel Using Commodore 64, Voicemail, AOL Chatrooms

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By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/20/2014 at 11:30 PM

Berkeley, California- Ardent opponent of Israeli policies Daniel Hanson fights tirelessly for the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, while strictly using technologies that Israel had no part in creating.  “When I first got into the Movement, I was organizing flashmob protests using Whats-App.  Then I found out Israelis built it.  So from then on, it was voicemail messaging.  I also got a pretty good answering machine with those tiny cassette tapes at the United Way store, so I have been able to really record some good weekly messages on Israel’s Apartheid Wall in the West Bank.”  Mr. Hanson went on to point out that once he learned the I-phone and pentium chips are also products of Israeli know-how, that out of principal he could no longer use modern computers.  “Which is no big deal because I have souped up this Commodore with an extra 500K of RAM plus an extra 5 1/4″ floppy drive.”  Mr. Hanson noted that he now logs onto an AOL chatroom where he is able to “really reach out to the community” on this important subject.  When Daily Freier reporters last spoke to Hanson, he was perturbed that our most recent email to him had a 1 Megabyte attachment, and “totally killed my bandwidth for the day”.