Category: BDS

BDS, Eurovision, Guest Writer Wednesday

Eurovision descends into farce after Israel Boycott and Ukraine beats Russia

Daily Freier Eurovision By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/18/2016 at 1:20 PM

Stockholm: Debates over the Boycott Israel movement raged across Europe today after millions of fans were left traumatized by the decision to ban all things Israeli in Saturday’s grand finale of Eurovision. The chaos began when outspoken Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallstrom, a strong supporter of the BDS movement aimed at economically crippling Israel, made a series of blunders that left hosts Sweden red-faced. Firstly, she moved the singing competition from the 16,000 all-seater Ericsson Globe arena in Stockholm – after discovering that the mother-in-law of the Ericsson CEO had once eaten a pomegranate on an Israeli kibbutz in 1954. “We were left with no choice. We really can’t be seen to support that level of aggressive Zionism.” Ms. Wallstrom stated defiantly, as the venue was changed to an old IKEA warehouse in the tiny northern village of Dooberguberfloozer. Coaches were then arranged to transport the 42 competing nations after the Israel-developed GPS app Waze had been blocked, sending the lost Azerbaijanis on a wild-goose chase around Denmark. Meanwhile, Israeli start-up GetTaxi, the world’s second largest Taxi app, was switched off, forcing the Spanish to hitchhike to a place they could not even say.

Eurovision is one of the few European cultural events that reinforces regional differences and continuously raises the prospect of a third World War. Amidst all the kitsch of cheesy dancing fairies and Viking heavy metal bands, this year’s show was once again mired in controversy. Greece was devastated after failing to make the final for the first time and immediately blamed German-imposed cuts. Neighboring Turkey was thrilled to have negotiated its inclusion in next year’s semi-finals, in exchange for building more Syrian refugee camps. Fights and beheadings broke out in this year’s semi-finals after a romantic ballad sung by ISIS boy band, the Caliphatties failed to melt judges’ hearts. Canada too was left ticked off by Australia’s inclusion in Eurovision for the second year running. Quebec-born diva Celine Dion, who won Eurovision for Switzerland in 1988, offered to sing but new Prime Minister/heart-throb, Justin ‘Donnie Osmond’ Trudeau vetoed her offer, sending a giant wave of relief across Canada.

Not since the official breakup of Abba in 1982 has Sweden been so widely vilified for allowing such a cultural disaster. From the moment the show went live on air, buzzing social media forums began to grind to a halt. Facebook, created by renowned Zionist/Nice-Jewish-Boy Mark Zuckerberg, went offline for the first time ever, pushing a frantic 1.6 billion account-holders across the planet into actually talking to each other. But with Microsoft’s operating system, the Intel processor, and the technology behind What’s App, Messenger, Viber and voicemail all pioneered and developed in Israel, mobile phones and laptops around the world all fell eerily silent. When it came to broadcasting the actual results, Eurovision’s voting system was hit by the sudden ban on Israel-inspired satellites, forcing judging panels to dig out dusty walkie talkies not used since the Cold War.

When the networks finally managed to broadcast the rest of the show, it appeared that bookies’ favorites Russia – which had threatened to turn off the gas and lights in Eastern Europe – had done predictably well. Also surprising was the Great Britain entry, sung by reality TV superstars Joe and Jake. The last time a British duo scored so well abroad, there was a pubic lice outbreak in London. Their upbeat song “You are not alone,” dedicated to former London Mayor Ken Livingstone, was nevertheless ridiculed in Germany. “Zay bloody will be soon if zay vote to leave ze EU next month, ha, ha!” Angela Merkel chuckled to reporters, as she faxed through the votes from Berlin.

Nervously awaiting the Eurovision results aboard Air Force Trump, the man formerly known as Donald, warned: “This is what happens when you have no real defensible borders, political or cultural.” The Republican rebel immediately called for the US-Mexico fence to be built six meters higher and promised a tax on burritos…..

(Note: Ukraine stole it from Russia and Australia. The UK did shit and the Israeli entry, which arrived late, held up by squabbles over the last kosher meal on El Al, finished about half way.)

BDS, Nefesh B' Nefesh

Omar Barghouti asks Nefesh B’Nefesh for help with Residency Permit

Omar Barghouti

Buster Bluth

Loose Seal

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 11:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: Qatari Boycott Divest and Sanctions mascot Omar Barghouti is in a bit of a conundrum lately, as the country he is trying to take down through lawfare apparently is not being terribly helpful with his travel permits. Barghouti, who is a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University when he is not trying to destroy the country that funds his education, has lately turned to Nefesh B’Nefesh to help straighten things out.  The Daily Freier got a copy of Barghouti’s letter to Nefesh B’Nefesh by pestering their receptionist for 30 minutes until she gave it to us if we would just go away.

————————-

Greetings Facilitators of the Ongoing Illegal Occupation of the 1948 Territories,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I am writing your Entity because I hear that you know how to “grease the wheels” of the bureaucracy for Semites who wish to live here. So Please help. You’re a Semite. And I am also a Semite…. who dislikes certain other Semites. But that is neither here nor there. The Bottom Line is that my Inalienable Right to attend overseas conferences and be feted as the awesome guy that I am is being jeopardized.  Besides, Max Blumenthal owes me 30 Bucks and if I can catch up with him at the Berkeley Confab I am pretty sure I can collect. Anyhoo, hook me up. Because if I am not allowed to travel overseas it would be a total disaster. Or, you know, a Naqba.

Cordially,

Omar

—————————————————-

Reaction to Mr. Barghouti’s letter has been mixed, with some very strong opinions. Alert Local Ronit S. described her reaction. “Wow. The idea that a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University would seek to destroy the very State that is providing his education is a complete shock…. to anyone who has never been to Tel Aviv University.“

Word on the street is that if Mr. Barghouti’s current plan doesn’t work, he will sneak in and out of the country on Birthright Tours.

BDS, Israellycool

An Open Letter To Harvard Law School (HLS) About Husam El-Qoulaq And Tzipi Livni

Husam El Qoulaq

Martha L. Minow, Dean, Harvard Law School
Griswold 200
1525 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, MA 02138
Phone: 617-495-4601
@Harvard_Law

Dean Minow-

Greetings and Salutations from the Daily Freier, reporting in concert with Brian of London, live from the Zionist Entity Known as Israel!

We wish to express our concerns about a recent event at your institution, specifically, “The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict and the US Negotiation Lessons and Possibilities” held on Thursday, April 14, 7 pm, Austin Hall, Room 100 and featuring Israeli politician Tzipi Livni and former U.S. Envoy Dennis Ross. Specifically, we are concerned that people are going to find out that at this event, a Harvard Law student named Husam El-Qoulaq asked Ms. Livni “why she was so smelly.”

Dean Minow, our greatest fear is that Husam El-Qoulaq’s name somehow becomes attached to the antisemitic incident in question, where he told Israeli politician Tzipi Livni that she smelled bad in a public event.  I mean, if his (Husam El-Qoulaq, Harvard Law. Sometimes spelled ‘Coolaq’) name was to be associated with this incident (antisemitic!), it may impact his Constitutional Right to make obscene amounts of money post-graduation in Corporate America.  More importantly, associating Husam El-Qoulaq’s (Harvard Law) name with an Antisemitic (against Tzipi Livni) incident would send the dangerous message to your students that actions have consequences, and that words have meaning.  And none of us want that.

In addition, we fear that Harvard Law may be unfairly tarred for hiding the name of the offending party (Husam El-Qoulaq, Harvard Law. Sometimes spelled Coolaq). Therefore, we implore you to continue to not release Husam El-Qoulaq’s name in association with the incident at Harvard Law on 14 April 2016 in which he used an antisemitic slur against Tzipi Livni. We applaud the fact that your organization has removed Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq’s anti-Jewish remarks from YouTube. Additionally, we applaud that you did not release the name of the offending party, you know, Husam El-Qoulaq…. Of Harvard Law. The one who publicly disrespected a visitor (Tzipi Livni!) in an Academic Setting.

We also want to provide honorable mention to Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq himself, who appears busy as a beaver (can we say that? Is that cultural appropriation against beavers?) scrubbing his online profiles of anything that could connect him (Husam El-Qoulaq, also spelled “Coolaq”) to an Antisemitic incident.  Which is why we commend him for currently hiding online evidence of his (Husam El-Qoulaq!) BDS work when he was an undergrad at UC Berkeley. We also commend Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq for scrubbing the Internets and the Googles of any evidence of his Leadership position in Harvard’s BDS Movement…BTW, color us shocked (Shocked!) that Mr. El-Qoulaq was also a leader in Harvard’s BDS Movement.  I mean, it’s just counter-intuitive that there would be, like, ANY overlap between the BDS Movement and Antisemitic speech! Who Knew????

We also wish to commend Mr. Husam El Qoulaq for his apology, where he did not provide his name, but informed the public that they should reach out to him (Reach out to whom you ask? Husam El-Qoulaq! For what? An Antisemitic incident at Harvard Law on April 14, 2016! Against Tzipi Livni!). Bonus points that he mentioned that he has Jewish friends! LOL!    (Just to break character for a moment: We’ve seen more sincere mea culpas from O.J. Simpson.)

So in the spirit of moving on, we propose that maybe instead of naming Husam El-Qoulaq as the guy who made an Anti-Jewish comment to Tipi Livni on April 14 2016, that we instead replace his name (Husam El-Qoulaq!) with a symbol.  Maybe we can brainstorm this. Perhaps something like this:Prince symbol

…. Except instead of a symbol imagining a magical human being and artist who made the world happy for 40 years, this symbol would signify a privileged (!) crybully who sounds like he’s about to spill the beans on matzoh’s special ingredient.

Now we all know how the Internets work, so we implore you and anybody reading this: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES FORWARD THIS LETTER! Not via email, not Facebook, Not Twitter, nor by Google Plus (OK OK, Google Plus doesn’t really matter). The worst-case scenario would be if it somehow went viral. That Husam El-Qoulaq. Harvard Law. Made an antisemitic Statement. Against Tzipi Livni. That she smelled bad. On 14 April 2016. At Harvard Law.

Very Truly Yours,

The Daily Freier & Brian of London

P.S: Husam El-Qoulaq, Harvard Law, 14 April 2016, Tzipi Livni, Antisemitic, Coolaq

[We originally published this story on Israellcool!]

 

BDS, Roger Waters

Help us Roger Waters, You’re our only Hope!

barry

Dear Roger,

We know that we may not have started off  “on the right foot” together.  But that was the past. It doesn’t make any sense to dredge up “old hat”. Like the time we said you got hired by MSNBC. Or the time we said that you were no Syd Barrett. Or the time we said you were a dick ….. No, it is time to move past old conflicts.  To let go. To throw off the past (Hey, how do you say ‘throw off‘ in Arabic?  A bit rusty over here).

So, here’s the thing.  There’s no easy way to say this. We Need Your Help. We’re going to say two words. BARRY. MANILOW. In Concert. Tel Aviv. Israel. June 30th (OK, that’s like 8 words). Which has left us in the uncomfortable position of rethinking our stance on the BDS Movement. Like maybe we can meet you guys half-way.

Bottom Line: You need to stop this shit. NOW.

We know you can do this.  We’ve seen you in action.  You convinced highly talented, highly nuts singer Lauryn Hill to cancel her Israel tour (What’s her beef with the Jooz anyway?  Was it a Jewish accountant who told her that paying your income tax was optional?). Same with Elvis Costello, whose dedication to “peace and justice” appears to be a bit of a new thing for him.

Anyhoo, we are like begging you. And we’re willing to lend a hand.  Tell us what you need.  Social Media?  Stuffing envelopes? An angry mob?  We’re there!  Teaming up with George Galloway in solidarity wi…. well, no.  Not so much.

Help us Obi-Waters Kenobi, you’re our only Hope.

Hugs,

FREIER!

The Daily Freier

BDS, Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party

Corbyn ‘Concerned’ by tomorrow’s Anti-Semitic Tweet From Labour Councillor

Steve Punter :Corbis

(Photo Credit: Steve Punter/Corbis)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/10/2016 at 11:50 AM

London: Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn expressed his concern following tomorrow’s tweet from a Labour Party Councillor alleging that the Joooz secretly run the banks from a secret enclave in the Swiss Alps.  Labour, which lately appears to strive to be the “Socialism” in “The Socialism of Fools“, was taken very much off guard by tomorrow’s tweet, as this type of thing simply does not happen in Labour.

The Councilor who will send the tweet, from Luton or Birmingham or maybe Manchester, is now “under investigation” and will be expelled from the Party the day after tomorrow, after which he or she will quietly be re-admitted some time around August.

In other news, members of Labour’s Environment and Ecology Committee have proposed a tree-saving initiative in which instead of a full-page statement, the Party will denounce future anti-Semitic tweets with a terse “Please see our last statement on this subject.”

Mr. Corbyn for his part stressed that tomorrow’s tweet will be an isolated incident. “I am extremely concerned with tomorrow’s tweet. However, I must state that tomorrow’s tweet is not part of any pattern of anti-Semitism within the Party.  And neither was the previous incident.  Nor the incident before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that.”

 

 

 

Save

BDS, Labour Party

Labour Presents: The Merchant of Venice!

Jeremy-Corbyn-Hezbollah-flag

“I’m not sure what the issue is, quite frankly.”

(Photo Credit: Samuel Hardy)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/5/2016 at 3:00 PM

London: Objections to a recent showing of “The Merchant of Venice” by  Labour has left Party leadership surprised and confused.  Sheakespeare’s famous play is known for painting Zios members of the Jewish faith in a not-so-nice-light, but Party leadership insist that this played no role in their decision of the “Labour Party Players” drama troupe’s decision to hold a showing as a fundraiser for the upcoming elections. The Daily Freier spoke with Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn for his take on recent events.

“Was this offensive? I really can’t see where we went wrong. I simply feel that Labour went to great lengths to ensure an event that was even-handed and free of controversy. We even put Khadim Hussain in charge of publicity in order to avoid any problems.”

“Labour Party Players” is an amateur troupe of thespians that includes past and present Party members who stage plays as fundraisers and for charity. Needless to say, staging a play that maintains good production value on a budget is not easy. Stage manager Gerry Downing explained. “We had trouble sourcing a Shylock who would be suitably true to the Bard’s vision, but our friends over in Neturei Karta really came through for us. We had 100 guys show up to audition… or you know, like all of Neturei Karta. Plus Vicki Kirby helped build a giant prosthetic nose that was just amazing.”

The Daily Freier spoke with members of the public as they departed last night’s showing for their opinions on this latest controversy. “Finally, a play that really has a message.” enthused musician Roger Waters. “I suppose that the usual suspects will demand a pound of flesh raise spirited objections, but ‘the show must go on’ as they say.”

Hoping to move past the incident, Mr. Corbyn said that he was looking forward to next month’s presentation of “The Passion of the Christ.”

 

 

 

 

BDS, Mossad

Max Blumenthal: Mossad Secretly Turned Me into a Nepotist Hack

 

Max_Blumenthal_on_RT_America(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 10:50 PM

Reston, Virginia: Noted pundit Max Blumenthal dropped a bombshell of an accusation earlier today: that Israel’s Clandestine Service undertook a secret program that slowly and deliberately transformed him into a hack writer who cashes in on the connections of his father, noted Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal.  The Daily Freier sat down with Max at a local Starbucks to get the whole Megillah.

“It all started about 10 years ago. I was a somewhat intelligent, if not particularly original college graduate. I guess the Mossad saw that as a threat. So they must have given me some sort of serum I guess. Or subliminal messages in my TV. Or maybe put a virus on my Mac….  Anyhow, within a couple of years I realized that I had degenerated into a cliché-ridden anti-Israel hack writer.  And yeah, Dad did not like that at all.”

The Daily Freier pressed Mr. Blumenthal for details on his alarming accusation.”I still don’t totally get it myself. Things just got….weird. For example, this German politician called me an Anti-Semite. So somehow the Mossad got me to follow him into a public restroom so I could yell at him. Now I’m banned from the Bundestag. [NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED].  Real crazy stuff. And then, get this, the Israeli’s got a  guy at that right-wing magazine ‘The Nation’ to describe my book as having been written for “The Hamas Book of the Month Club”…. I gotta admit, that’s pretty clever…..But yeah, Dad fixed that guy good.“

In order to hear all sides of this troubling saga, the Daily Freier reached out to the Clinton campaign to get Hillary’s take on what her Key Advisor’s son has been up to vis-a-vis the Joooz. In response, her campaign spokesperson provided the following statement. ‘Secretary Clinton has nothing but the highest regard for Max. Which is why the campaign has provided him a generous grant to help with ‘Campaign Outreach’ in Papua New Guinea.  The grant runs through mid-November, and unfortunately there won’t be a lot of Internet for Max to communicate with the rest of the World.  But that’s the price one must pay for his expertise.  We look forward to reading his Trip Report sometime around Thanksgiving.”

When the Daily Freier asked Max for clarification on his new gig in the South Pacific, he promised to get back to us just as soon as the ghost of Christopher Hitchens stopped ruthlessly mocking him.

BDS

Spinal Tap’s Summer ’16 Israel Tour Forces BDS to Boycott a Fake Band

This-is-spinal_tap_4

(Photo Credit: This is Spinal Tap)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/12/2016 at 4:50 PM

Tel Aviv: Spinal Tap’s much-anticipated bookings in Israel for their 2016 Summer Tour have placed the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions gang in a bit of a conundrum: how to boycott and shame a band that doesn’t really, like “exist”. Yet this has not stopped BDS, with the level-headed pragmatists at Electronic Intifada leading the way. “We’ve stalked all the real bands, so we were like, why not harass a fake band on a fake tour?  I mean, isn’t that the point of BDS? To get worked up about something that never really existed?”

BDS’ efforts have recently received a boost, with Roger Waters chastising his fellow veterans of the British scene for their plans to rock their Israeli fans.  Asked to describe how annoying Mr. Waters’ pestering has become on a scale from 1 to 10, Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel described the Ex Pink Floyd frontman as “going to 11“

For their part, the members of Spinal Tap had specific questions about Israel. Bassist Derek Smalls appeared to have real concerns about Ben Gurion Airport’s famed security.

Not to be outdone, new BDS powerhouse Vassar College joined the scrum, declaring that if Spinal Tap played Israel, they would not be welcome at their campus, before admitting that nobody really wants to play in Poughkeepsie anyway.

 

BDS, Hamas, Roger Waters

Roger Waters in Stable Condition after Gaza Tunnel Collapse

“I was only down there for the acoustics!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/21/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza City: Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters is in serious but stable condition after getting caught in the collapse of a tunnel southeast of Gaza City earlier today. The Daily Freier was at the scene when a representative from the Palestinian Red Crescent briefed the assembled press. “It was approximately 3:00 PM when the Zionist Entity and its Egyptian lackeys triggered a cave-in of the tunnel, trapping 3 of our pious and motivated young tunnelers, as well as our bizarre but helpful friend Mister Roger Waters.”

When asked by MSNBC how rescue workers were able to find Mr. Waters, the spokesperson explained. “The tunnel was impassable to humans at this point, so we brought in Farfour the Mouse. He was able to find our friend by homing in on the intense scent of bitter self-righteousness that emanated from his body even when he was unconscious. Incidentally, this was exactly how we found Jimmy Carter after he accidentally wandered into the Sand Dunes last year during Ramadan.”

For his part, Roger Waters was insistent that he had done nothing wrong. “I know that the Zionists and their friends in the press will try to spin this in some negative light, but I was merely in the tunnel for its acoustics. You see, I’m recording a new single “Indigenous Olive Oil Can Flow Through Any Wall”, and I really needed just the right sound. But I think the vibrations from the snare drum may have set off a tremor and destroyed the tunnel.”

When the Daily Freier pointed out that since the tunnels go under the border, that he may have inadvertently stepped into Israel, he got really upset and his catheter fell out.

Save