Tag: Roger Waters

BDS, Roger Waters September 14, 2016September 14, 2016

Palestinian unilaterally disengages from British Man-Date

London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have ~~more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s~~ that special spark, called it quits. Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.

(The Daily Freier Appears on IsraellyCool Today. Go on over and Check Out the Whole Article!)

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Hamas July 24, 2016

Hamas regrets hiring Tunnel Safety Expert whom they found from a Door Magnet

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/24/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza: As Hamas tunnels continue to tragically suffer collapses and cave-ins, each of which enables at least 72 new options for virgin speed-dating, Hamas leadership appears to have determined the underlying problem. It is not Egypt’s flooding the tunnels with sewage, it is not even one of the Mossad’s Spy Animals. Rather, the problem is that Hamas hired its Occupational Safety/Risk Management expert from one of those little magnets that plumbers, electricians, and exterminators secretly place on the door of your apartment while you are asleep or something.

(Reader Alert: For those of you who don’t reside in Israel, if you want a train-wreck scenario involving your apartment’s plumbing, structural foundation, or electricity grid, go ahead and hire a guy off of a magnet you found on your door.)

Hamas Bridge and Tunnel Commissioner Fares H. explained the problem to the Daily Freier via Skype. “We couldn’t figure out the problem. The tunnels kept collapsing, martyring many of our best tunnelers and even endangering our friend Mr. Roger Waters.….Yet we couldn’t find the source. Finally I asked my personal assistant where he hired our Health and Safety expert, and he admitted that he first callled the guy when he found the company’s magnet on his door one morning.” Fares shook his head and looked out the window into the distance. “Hey Yuval….Let me ask you, one guy talking to one perfidious Zionist imposter…. do you have idiot personal assistants in Israel also?”

In an effort at damage control, Hamas has decided not to fire their Safety Expert, but rather to transfer him to the Advertising Department. While the hiring process continues, the Tunnel Safety position will be temporarily held by the Hamas Bumblee.

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BDS, Beach, Ethan and Shoshanna June 22, 2016June 7, 2018

Taking a stand against BDS, Jellyfish return to Israel

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 1:20 PM

Netanya: In a move described as “bold”, “courageous”, and “defiant”, the jellyfish have returned to Israel despite intense pressure from the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement. Everybody’s favorite jellyfish, Ethan and Shoshanna, spoke to the Daily Freier about their personal journey.

“When the summer currents began pushing us northward from the Coast of Egypt, we just got bombarded with tweets from BDS.” explained Ethan. “Roger Waters wrote us an open letter. Max Blumenthal told us that his dad would NOT be happy if we went to Israel. Omar Barghouti told us that we would be collaborators if we arrived, but we checked his IP address and he was tweeting from the Tel Aviv University Library….”

The Daily Freier asked Ethan if he identified as a Zionist, and he explained his stance. “Of course, but I also identify as a citizen of the world. Jew, Muslim, Christian….in the end it really doesn’t matter. I will sting the living shit out of you regardless.”

At this point Shoshanna interjected with her views. “I’m just so happy to be back. I missed this place SO. MUCH. But to tell you the truth, I expected a bit of a warmer welcome from everyone. But that might just be Israel. Sometimes it takes a while to break into social groups.” Shoshanna spotted a family in shallow water 5 meters away. “They seem nice, maybe I will float toward them and introduce myself. Sometimes you just have to extend a tentacle of friendship.”

Al Naqba, Roger Waters June 17, 2016May 1, 2019

At least Roger Waters isn’t just screwing the Jews now

The Daily Freier extends a sincere Congratulations to Roger Waters and Rula Jebreal on their couplehood. Pink Floyd legend Roger Waters, a vocal critic of Israel, is dating Palestinian journalist and author Rula Jebreal after divorcing his fourth wife.

The Daily Freier asks our readers not to submit tasteless jokes on whether he dresses up in an old IDF uniform when they role play “Checkpoint“. The Daily Freier will also maintain a strict policy of not allowing our readers to speculate about the use of the words “Occupation“, “Territory” or “Colonization” vis-a-vis any intimate relationships they may or may not engage in. Finally, the Daily Freier will not countenance any reference to “Laying Pipe at the Gates of Dawn”

Although we hope Roger appreciates the irony that he uprooted and displaced a Jew.……

BDS, Roger Waters April 18, 2016April 6, 2017

Help us Roger Waters, You’re our only Hope!

Dear Roger,

We know that we may not have started off “on the right foot” together. But that was the past. It doesn’t make any sense to dredge up “old hat”. Like the time we said you got hired by MSNBC. Or the time we said that you were no Syd Barrett. Or the time we said you were a dick ….. No, it is time to move past old conflicts. To let go. To throw off the past (Hey, how do you say ‘throw off‘ in Arabic? A bit rusty over here).

So, here’s the thing. There’s no easy way to say this. We Need Your Help. We’re going to say two words. BARRY. MANILOW. In Concert. Tel Aviv. Israel. June 30th (OK, that’s like 8 words). Which has left us in the uncomfortable position of rethinking our stance on the BDS Movement. Like maybe we can meet you guys half-way.

Bottom Line: You need to stop this shit. NOW.

We know you can do this. We’ve seen you in action. You convinced highly talented, highly nuts singer Lauryn Hill to cancel her Israel tour (What’s her beef with the Jooz anyway? Was it a Jewish accountant who told her that paying your income tax was optional?). Same with Elvis Costello, whose dedication to “peace and justice” appears to be a bit of a new thing for him.

Anyhoo, we are like begging you. And we’re willing to lend a hand. Tell us what you need. Social Media? Stuffing envelopes? An angry mob? We’re there! Teaming up with George Galloway in solidarity wi…. well, no. Not so much.

Help us Obi-Waters Kenobi, you’re our only Hope.

Hugs,

The Daily Freier

BDS, Labour Party April 5, 2016April 12, 2016

Labour Presents: The Merchant of Venice!

“I’m not sure what the issue is, quite frankly.”

(Photo Credit: Samuel Hardy)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/5/2016 at 3:00 PM

London: Objections to a recent showing of “The Merchant of Venice” by Labour has left Party leadership surprised and confused. Sheakespeare’s famous play is known for painting Zios members of the Jewish faith in a not-so-nice-light, but Party leadership insist that this played no role in their decision of the “Labour Party Players” drama troupe’s decision to hold a showing as a fundraiser for the upcoming elections. The Daily Freier spoke with Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn for his take on recent events.

“Was this offensive? I really can’t see where we went wrong. I simply feel that Labour went to great lengths to ensure an event that was even-handed and free of controversy. We even put Khadim Hussain in charge of publicity in order to avoid any problems.”

“Labour Party Players” is an amateur troupe of thespians that includes past and present Party members who stage plays as fundraisers and for charity. Needless to say, staging a play that maintains good production value on a budget is not easy. Stage manager Gerry Downing explained. “We had trouble sourcing a Shylock who would be suitably true to the Bard’s vision, but our friends over in Neturei Karta really came through for us. We had 100 guys show up to audition… or you know, like all of Neturei Karta. Plus Vicki Kirby helped build a giant prosthetic nose that was just amazing.”

The Daily Freier spoke with members of the public as they departed last night’s showing for their opinions on this latest controversy. “Finally, a play that really has a message.” enthused musician Roger Waters. “I suppose that the usual suspects will demand a pound of flesh raise spirited objections, but ‘the show must go on’ as they say.”

Hoping to move past the incident, Mr. Corbyn said that he was looking forward to next month’s presentation of “The Passion of the Christ.”

BDS March 12, 2016March 12, 2016

Spinal Tap’s Summer ’16 Israel Tour Forces BDS to Boycott a Fake Band

(Photo Credit: This is Spinal Tap)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/12/2016 at 4:50 PM

Tel Aviv: Spinal Tap’s much-anticipated bookings in Israel for their 2016 Summer Tour have placed the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions gang in a bit of a conundrum: how to boycott and shame a band that doesn’t really, like “exist”. Yet this has not stopped BDS, with the level-headed pragmatists at Electronic Intifada leading the way. “We’ve stalked all the real bands, so we were like, why not harass a fake band on a fake tour? I mean, isn’t that the point of BDS? To get worked up about something that never really existed?”

BDS’ efforts have recently received a boost, with Roger Waters chastising his fellow veterans of the British scene for their plans to rock their Israeli fans. Asked to describe how annoying Mr. Waters’ pestering has become on a scale from 1 to 10, Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel described the Ex Pink Floyd frontman as “going to 11“

For their part, the members of Spinal Tap had specific questions about Israel. Bassist Derek Smalls appeared to have real concerns about Ben Gurion Airport’s famed security.

Not to be outdone, new BDS powerhouse Vassar College joined the scrum, declaring that if Spinal Tap played Israel, they would not be welcome at their campus, before admitting that nobody really wants to play in Poughkeepsie anyway.

BDS, Hamas, Roger Waters February 22, 2016May 16, 2021

Roger Waters in Stable Condition after Gaza Tunnel Collapse

“I was only down there for the acoustics!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/21/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza City: Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters is in serious but stable condition after getting caught in the collapse of a tunnel southeast of Gaza City earlier today. The Daily Freier was at the scene when a representative from the Palestinian Red Crescent briefed the assembled press. “It was approximately 3:00 PM when the Zionist Entity and its Egyptian lackeys triggered a cave-in of the tunnel, trapping 3 of our pious and motivated young tunnelers, as well as our bizarre but helpful friend Mister Roger Waters.”

When asked by MSNBC how rescue workers were able to find Mr. Waters, the spokesperson explained. “The tunnel was impassable to humans at this point, so we brought in Farfour the Mouse. He was able to find our friend by homing in on the intense scent of bitter self-righteousness that emanated from his body even when he was unconscious. Incidentally, this was exactly how we found Jimmy Carter after he accidentally wandered into the Sand Dunes last year during Ramadan.”

For his part, Roger Waters was insistent that he had done nothing wrong. “I know that the Zionists and their friends in the press will try to spin this in some negative light, but I was merely in the tunnel for its acoustics. You see, I’m recording a new single “Indigenous Olive Oil Can Flow Through Any Wall”, and I really needed just the right sound. But I think the vibrations from the snare drum may have set off a tremor and destroyed the tunnel.”

When the Daily Freier pointed out that since the tunnels go under the border, that he may have inadvertently stepped into Israel, he got really upset and his catheter fell out.

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BDS, Hanin Zoabi February 15, 2016July 21, 2016

Vancouver: We Booked Noa Because Hanin Zoabi Was Busy

Noa-Photo-screenshot-YouTube-Eurovision

(Photo Credit: Eurovision)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/15/2016 at 9:30 PM

Vancouver: The City’s Jewish Federation responded today to public outcry concerning their decision to invite controversial singer and Left Wing Activist Achinoam “Noa” Nini for their Israeli Independence Day festivities. Ms. Nini, a talented Israeli singer/songwriter, is not shy about expressing her views on how much Israeli leaders and voters totally suck. Yet while the situation has ruffled some feathers, the Federation stressed that the decision to book Noa was taken simply because Hanin Zoabi’s Spring schedule just could not accomodate a trip to Canada. Ms. Zoabi, a member of the Israeli Knesset when she is not sailing on boats with Hamas, has been busy filming a pilot for BBC, running Israel’s version of “Scared Straight” for at-risk youth, and getting suspended from the Knesset for holding a moment of silence for people who stabbed Jews. Ms Zoabi reacted with regret to the missed opportunity. “As much as I wanted to participate in Vancouver’s ~~Naqba Day~~ Yom Ha’atzmaut festival, I just have too much going on.”

Vancouver Federation spokesperson David G. explained his organization’s stance. “When we saw Ms. Zoabi’s performance in Amsterdam for Kristallnacht, we were just blown away. Simply amazing how she commemorated a solemn memorial to the Holocaust by trashing Israel. So we really hoped we could book her to do a Spoken Word Poetry Slam. But unfortunately, she just had too much on her plate. It is for this reason that we booked Ms. Nini, and we are sure she will do just as well!”

For her part, Noa plans a performance that will include (Spoiler Alert!) some of her original works, plus some songs by Roger Waters.

Reaction from Israel’s political arena was swift, with Naftali Bennett declaring that since Noa is now recognized as a political expert, that he plans to release a hip-hop album. Yet at the same time, many of Noa’s fans are traveling from near and far to see her. The Daily Freier spoke to longtime fan Dickie Silverstein. “I really want to come up from Seattle for the concert, so I went on my blog to solicit donations to pay for my bus ticket and a room at the Super 8. So far I’ve raised enough money to get to Bellingham. I can’t wait!”

While Yom Ha’atzmaut 2016 is still months away, planning is already underway for Vancouver’s 2017 event. “I can’t stress enough just how long it takes to plan these events to perfection. It is for this reason that we have already set up a committee to plan next year’s event.” When the Daily Freier asked David for specifics on what they could expect, he coyly stated “All I can say is: Cat Stevens, call your agent!”

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MSNBC, Roger Waters, The Daily Freier en Español January 24, 2016February 1, 2016

La Cadena Estadounidense MSNBC, tras las Críticas por su Sesgo Anti-Israel, y para demostrar su objetividad, Contrata a Roger Waters como “Experto” en el Oriente Medio

Artículo original: http://dailyfreier.com/2015/10/18/msnbc-hires-roger-waters/

Nueva York: En un movimiento para hacer que la cobertura de su red en el Oriente Medio sea más ecuánime, la MSNBC ha reemplazado al atribulado periodista y activista anti-israelí Ayman Mohyeldin por el ex líder de Pink Floyd Roger Waters.

La portavoz de la MSNBC Sabrina H. explicó así éste relevo: “Nosotros en la MSNBC sentimos que el Sr. Waters traerá una nueva perspectiva al conflicto en el Oriente Medio. El Sr. Waters está emocionado y deseando comenzar su labor“.

Cuando se enteró de este relevo y de estos comentarios, el Sr. Mohyeldin se mostró notablemente angustiado por el reciente cambio en los acontecimientos. “Estoy sin trabajo. No he visto venir este relevo. Pero también es cierto que hay un montón de cosas que no veo. Por ejemplo, tampoco vi la semana pasada el cuchillo en la mano del terrorista palestino que todo el mundo con dos ojos en la cara pudo ver. Por otra parte, a veces veo drones israelíes que nadie más ha visto [N.P.: alusión a un incidente durante la guerra de Gaza]. Ya saben, lo de la visión es una cosa singular“.

Por el contrario, el Sr. Waters se mostró entusiasmado con su nuevo trabajo. The Daily Freier pudo encontrarse con el señor Waters en su nueva oficina en la MSNBC mientras unos trabajadores le instalaban una máquina de Sodastream [N.P: alusión a su contradictorio boicot de la empresa israelí]. “Nunca pensé que podría aterrizar en este lugar, ya saben ustedes quien domina los medios de comunicación del mundo [N.P.: alusión a su referencia a un control judío de esos medios]. Pero estoy emocionado de empezar a trabajar“.

Cuando el Daily Freier le preguntó al Sr. Mohyeldin cual sería su futuro, se puso filosófico. “Supongo que si el Sr. Waters puede ser un experto en el Oriente Medio, entonces tal vez pueda ser un mejor músico de rock que éste señor rechazado por sus propios ex compañeros de grupo“.

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.