Month: July 2016

Cartoon Networks sue Politicians for Plagiarism

Cartoon networks sue politicians for plagiarism Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/20/2016 at 3:00 PM

Los Angeles: A multi-billion dollar lawsuit threatens to embroil the entertainment industry this week after it emerged that the latest characters from CPN (the Cartoon Political Network) – Bibi Be-Man, Boris “Brexit” Johnson and “The Donald” resemble iconic Disney and Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters, in both appearance and speech.

It is the first time cartoon characters are expected in court since Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and raises the real possibility that the famous white glove of Mickey Mouse may be forced to swear on a Bible in the witness-box.

Allegations focus on Be-Man, the nickname for Israeli PM Bibi, who was likened to the muscular blonde Master of the Universe cartoon from the 1980s. The revival has seen him increase his monthly barber’s bill (short, back and sides) from the $1,800 spent while at the UN in New York, to a whopping $20,000 (L’Oreal colour, shade 5) although this is still less than his formidable princess of power, Sarah She-Ra Netanyahu.

Speaking of the power of Greyskull(s), The Donald has been this week accused of plagiarizing cute cartoon bird Tweety Pie. “I tawt I saw an immigrant, I did, I did!!” he cried at the Republican National convention in Cleveland. It may have been his first wife, Czech Ivana or his Slovenian third wife, who this week was also accused of ripping off vast chunks of Michelle Obama’s first speech. Scandalous. When we know Michelle is the most effectual Top Cat, the indisputable leader of the gang…..of Democrats on their way out to see Officer Dibble.

Across the pond, fans of clueless and hapless pooch Scooby Doo were left wondering about the inspiration for Britain’s new Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson. At his first awkward date with politicians in Brussels since the Brexit, Boz leaped out his seat during talks on saving Greece to express “Zoinks, there are times like this when I would literally do anything for a Scooby snack….I’d even put the UK back in!” Angela Merkel, resembling a stockier Penelope Pitstop, shrieked “Hayulp, Hayulp” before Silvio Dastardly Berlusconi, Italy’s boomerang Prime Minister Emeritus, appeared behind her to smack her on the arse again.

The much-anticipated court case will follow the spate of recent personal injury/idiocy cases stemming from the Pokemon Go phenomenon, which saw people fall off bridges and sidewalks while looking for things that were purely imaginary. Bar Refaeli collapsed with exhaustion while looking for her tax receipts.

Wilmaaaaaaaaa….

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Eyal Golan opens new class for Olim at Ulpan Gordon

Eyal Golan opens new class for Olim at Ulpan Gordon Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: backtotheroots.weebly.com)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/19/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Taking part in an innovative program of the Misrad HaKlitah aimed at welcoming new Olim and helping them adapt to Israeli culture, famous singer Eyal Golan opens his class in Ulpan Gordon next month. The class will take place once a week and will help students to learn Hebrew in a fun way by translating and singing songs of the popular singer (a Mizrachi style hand clapping tutorial will also be provided).

On behalf of Mr. Golan, his spokesperson Roy told us a bit about the education program, which is rumoured to be quite hands-on. “The program is based on Eyal’s albums and divided into several levels:

1. Look at me (הסתכלי אלי) – Levels Alef and Alef Plus
2. You touched my heart (נגעת לי בלב) – Alef Plus-Plus students, who have learned past tense
3. Soldier of Love (חייל של אהבה) – Level Bet
4. Whisper in the Night (לחישה בלילה) – for Advanced Students, personally selected by Eyal

This class is more suitable for single women, but other students are also (sort of) welcome.” added Roy. Mr. Golan’s Insurance Provider still has not signed off on his participation, due to certain totally unfounded rumors in the past. However, many female students at Ulpan Gordon are already thrilled and getting ready to hold a protest in Kikar Rabin to support the program.

Are there going to be any tests to join the class? “Eyal looks forward to seeing all students at his classes, but French and South American accents seem to be more inspiring for him. You know, he has already gotten tired of Russian accents.” said Roy after a few free shots (chasers we mean!) of Arak.

Electronic Intifada says tomorrow’s Suicide Bomber “Not Even very Religious”

Electronic Intifada says tomorrow's Suicide Bomber "Not Even very Religious" Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/17/2016 at 1:20 PM

Chicago: Electronic Intifada says that they don’t have all the details about tomorrow’s suicide bomber, but they are “like totally positive” that he will definitely not commit his act in the name of a certain monotheism. “This guy is not a Jihadist.” explained Electronic Intifada editor Ali Abunimah “C’mon, he drank in college. What kind of extremist does that? Really, I mean calling this terror is just Hate Speech.” Ali shifted in his seat slowly and looked into the distance. “I mean, like, if this thing actually goes down tomorrow”

(We guest-wrote this today for IsraellyCool! Read the entire story here!)

 

 

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Corbyn Hires Bianca Jagger as Social Media Director

Corbyn Hires Bianca Jagger as Social Media Director Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/13/2016 at 11:20 AM

London: Noted rock star ex-wife and activist Bianca Jagger got into a bit of a pickle yesterday when she inadvertently (we think!) tweeted out a list of British Members of Parliament who had voted for the Iraq War. The list, helpfully compiled by the White Nationalist site Metapedia, included such pertinent information as the race, sexual orientation (with details!), and sometimes even the religion (We’ll give you three guesses which religion they singled out, and the first two guesses don’t count) of individual MP’s. But it’s all good because she tweeted at 4 AM and forgot to like read the link and stuff. 

Yet out of Crisis comes Opportunity. Upon seeing Ms. Jagger in action, Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn reached out to her and offered her the position of Social Media Director.  Labour Spokesperson Liam C. explained. “With Mr. Corbyn, the strategy is all about keeping his opponents off-balance as they try to figure out if he’s malicious, obtuse, or just inept.  And Ms. Jagger’s tweet certainly demonstrated that she has what it takes to join our team.”

Bianca, who is a reminder of just how much blow they must have done at Studio 54 in the 1970’s President and Chief Executive of the Bianca Jagger Human Rights Foundation, promised to hit the ground running.  “I am very excited to join Mr. Corbyn’s team as we work toward true equality for all.” Ms. Jagger then sought to put to rest any lingering doubts from yesterday’s tweet. “Along with Labour, I stand four-square against any form of racism. Today’s inadvertent tweet certainly does not represent my true feelings. And neither will the next inadvertent tweet……Or the one after that.

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Israeli Dating Robot takes Catfishing to the next level

Israeli dating robot will take catfishing to a whole new level Daily Freier Tel Aviv 

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/13/2016 at 7:30 AM

Tel Aviv: In a city where 99.9% of the single population  are on 4-5 dating apps simultaneously (0.1% just got their phone stolen at Radio), planning and organizing your personal life becomes quite challenging. Swiping 500 pictures while writing היי) היי + emoji if you really liked someone) 100 times a day is so exhausting. Then you have to remember if that was “Vegan Noa that has two dogs and lives in Florentin” or “Sexy Noa that lives on Gordon and does Standup Paddle Board” (completely different mindset and dating approach). What was the name of the guy you just spoke on the phone with? Yoni? Roni? Or maybe Yaniv? No, Yuval! How can I save so many Yuvals, so I won’t get confused?

Have no fear! Yet another ingenious Israeli Start-Up idea will soon change your life. Rivka the Dating Robot will take care of your dating profiles, and it’s much better than just catfishing. Select your preferences: he/she is wearing sunglasses in every picture (= “I’m so cheesy“) : swipe left; pictures with ex (“let me teach you how to crop“) – left; elevator/bathrooms selfies (“what were you thinking?“) – to the left, to the left (Everything you own is in the box to the left). Vegan – yay or nay? Blond, beard, Sabra, Foreign, boobs – it has more options than any Adult site you (might) use.

Let’s say you’ve got sufficient matches  and  you’re ready for a waste of time (AKA “chatting“). Believe us, Rivka the Dating Robot knows how to do it better.  She peeps into previous conversations of your potential date and knows exactly what, how and when to ask (and obviously much more pushy than polite American Siri). Next step – Rivka saves a phone number with a short description, useful advice and the time of your first date. Just put on your flip-flops and you are ready to meet your destiny!

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Tel Aviv Woman walks out on date because he doesn’t like A-WA

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/10/2016 at 2:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: A potentially positive encounter ended badly last evening due to some unfortunately timed opinions about music.  Local favorites A-WA blend traditional Yemeni tunes with Hip Hop. And like Everyone around here loves them. Well, everyone who wishes to not suffer the fate of one ill informed gentleman. Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. went on “the date from Hell” earlier this evening with “some idiot” who it turns out “didn’t even like A-WA“.  The Daily Freier got on the Number 4, 104, or 204 Bus and rode south toward the scene of this ongoing crisis.

Tamar described how the events transpired. “So his name is Elan.  We’re getting cocktails in this basement bar off of Rothschild and everything is fine.  He has a job….well he shows up at a start-up most days.  He seems straight…. well straight-ish. But whatever. And then I told him that I was like really really into A-WA these days.  And he just kinda looked at me and said that they ‘didn’t do much for him‘…….Didn’t do much for him……What the hell? Well guess what?  I decided that tonight I wasn’t going to ‘do much’ for him either.

Tamar continued to describe this evening’s traumatic events. “I don’t know about seeing into the future or anything, but the moment he said he didn’t like A-WA, I had this premonition of sitting with him in a living room in Ra’anana 20 years in the future on an IKEA Couch while he drones on and on about “the Montreal Scene” or some other pretentious bullshit….. I really feel like I dodged a bullet tonight.”

Determined not to make the same mistake twice, Elan was last seen on the #5 Sherut listening to Habib Galbi  on his Ipod and trying to sing along to the high notes.

 

 

 

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The Freier discovers the secret to Cofix 5 Shekel prices

 We have discovered a secret of a five-shekel policy at Cofix Daily Freier Tel Aviv Israel

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/6/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv is a city of extremes. It’s either unbearably hot or freaking cold here, people are either zealous lefties or stubbornly right.  But when it comes to prices, it gets to the boiling point. No need to mention how ridiculously overpriced local supermarkets and bars are, but right next to them you can always find Cofix and get anything you need (or almost anything – I personally still can’t find gluten-free vegan chewing bones for my dog) for the low low price of 5 shekels!

Why is it 5 Shekels and not 7, 12, or 5.99? The Daily Freier couldn’t help but be curious and thus wanted to find an answer to this question. After 945 missed calls and 61 attempts to get into the Cofix Headquarters (no need to say “wow”, we’ve got a vast experience dealing with Cellcom and Hot Cable), a third cousin of  a branch manager named Chaim finally confessed:

Have you ever tried to break 200 shekels into 5-shekel coins to use a laundromat? It accepts only 1 and 5-shekel coins, and if you have a big family (by that I mean Bnei B’rak Sephardi big, not your Tel Aviv Ashkenazi with four dogs), you have to make 10-20 loads of laundry daily. We simply needed a lot 5-shekel coins.”

Another even closer family member (who wished to remain anonymous) confirmed that. “Everything started with a small kiosk selling coffee and pastries just to get our daily laundry done, but then we started growing bigger and bigger and it turned out to be profitable”. He excused himself and said that he needed to put his laundry into the dryer, but we managed to ask him why they didn’t just buy their own washing machines? “Can you imagine how many 5-shekel coins we have? Do you know how much Leumi bank will charge us to get 200-shekel bills? It’s easier just to use the laundromats!

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After Brexit, Barry Manilow’s Tel Aviv concert raises fears of “Bentry”

Barry Manilow Bentry Daily Freier Tel Aviv

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/6/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli stock market took a battering this week, feeling the full effects of one man’s ruthless ambition. Not David Cameron or Boris Johnson and ‘Brexit‘ but ‘Bentry,’ the long-feared arrival in Israel of ‘singer’ Barry Manilow.

As news filtered through that the 74-year-old ‘Copacabana’ singer from New York had printed his Easyjet boarding pass, shares on the Tel Aviv Stock Exchange coincidentally plummeted 45% and the Shekel lost a further 20%. Despite selling 80 million albums worldwide, it is Manilow’s first ever visit to Israel, as part of his ‘Goodbye’ world tour that feels like it’s been going on since the 80’s. “No vacancy” signs were put up in all beachfront hotels.

Although Manilow’s concert sold out, inflating his 401K pension and putting a severe dent in the local housing market, Israeli Finance Minister Moshe Kahlon immediately encouraged investors not to panic, warning that Barry was here only for one day and would not go anywhere outside of the Yad Eliyahu arena in Tel Aviv.

Unconvinced locals were seen fleeing north with traffic reports predicting heavy congestion as families rushed to avoid hearing ‘Looks like we made it.’ The 45,000 stray cats of the city were also not taking any chances, taking the extreme measure of boarding buses to Ramat Gan.

Having set up a 24-hour Situation Room to keep tabs on Britain’s stunning decision to leave Europe, Kahlon admitted he was relieved as he has adapted the room into ‘Operation Mute-the-Man’. He shelved discussions over the introduction of Hebrew as a European Union official language in a post-Brexit world, as well as Sarah Netanyahu’s application for more credit cards.

Instead, Kahlon brought in extra Mossad agents to ensure that Manilow would not go more than 50 meters outside the stadium. “This is by far the national security priority at the moment. After the two-hour crisis, Manilow will be immediately deported back to the US without a European stopover. They have suffered enough this week. He may ‘write the songs’ but I call the shots.

Although quietish in recent years, Manilow came out and married his long-term partner in 2014, adapting and singing one of his own songs at the Chuppa, changing his irritating infectious hit ‘Mandy‘ to ‘Dandy‘. I guess music and passion weren’t always the fashion…

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The Entebbe Raid as recounted by Jeremy Corbyn

Jezz Entebbe

Forty years ago, an ad-hoc troupe of Palestinian activists and Germans with a passion for Social Justice staged a direct-action work stoppage, temporarily disrupting and re-routing scheduled air transportation from  Occupied Yafa Tel Aviv to Paris. This protest was not unlike how some of our more boisterous Trade Unionists might temporarily shut down the Bakerloo Line in an attempt to draw attention to the cutbacks enacted by today’s Neo-Thatcherite Government under Mr. Cameron.

The activists then took the passengers on an impromptu excursion to Uganda where they were hosted by a man I considered a friend, Idi Amin. Mr. Amin, who was in the midst of taking his country on a somewhat accelerated course toward true equality (with the unfortunate side effect of several hundred thousand deaths and the expulsion of the Indian minority), proved a gracious host. In order to better achieve a sense of Solidarity, the activists separated the passengers into “working groups“, to include “Jews and Israelis” and “Everyone Else“. In order to better focus the Collective toward the goal of reducing Palestinian incarceration rates, “Everyone Else” was sent home, allowing for a true emphasis on the interaction between the Social Justice activists and the “Jews and Israelis“.

Mr. Amin received his guests with the traditional hospitality that he was known for, and allowed everyone to camp out at the Entebbe Airport, not unlike the Occupy protests around St. Paul’s Cathedral in 2011, but somehow not as filthy. Unfortunately, for reasons not entirely known, Israel did not appreciate the gesture and planned to disrupt Mr. Amin’s Conclave.  Instead of meeting with the Activists in the spirit of constructive dialogue, Israel went down a path that is all too familiar to those of us who care for Justice. The Israelis chose to violate the laws of an African State through an act of piracy. Incidentally, the man in charge was named “Netanyahu“. There are so many things that one could say about this gross violation of sovereignty, but I feel one must focus on the quite frankly racist Israeli action of disguising one of their soldiers as Mr. Amin.

Once again, Israel chose to go down the path of violence, missing a genuine opportunity to dialogue with those with whom it has disagreements. My friends in Hamas and Hezbollah could tell you more about this subject. If you will excuse me, I need to go. A MOMENTUM activist at a Labour Press Conference is about to harangue a female Jewish Labour MP until she leaves the room in tears and I need to be on hand in order to do nothing to help her.

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Ben Gurion Terminal One arrested after killing Woman’s nostalgia for “the Old Israel”

Ben Gurion Terminal 1 Daily Freier killed nostalgia for old israel(photo credit: Israel Airports Authority)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 6/29/2016 at 11:40 AM

Lod: Terminal One of Ben Gurion International Airport is in police custody today after killing a woman’s nostalgia for “the Old Israel” of her youth. Orly G., a dual Israeli-American citizen, had just finished 2 weeks of visiting childhood friends and her cousins’ Kibbutz in the North and was en route to the United States when the crime occurred. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to get the facts.

It just happened so quickly.” explained a visibly shaken Orly.  “I got to the Airport with my husband Avi two hours early. He’s flying to London for business, and when we got to the Airport it turned out that his flight was out of the main terminal and my flight to New York was out of Terminal One. That’s where things started to go wrong.”

Orly continued to explain. “I have to admit that all the time on the Kibbutz and catching up with my friends had made me reminisce of the old times…..But then, Avi goes straight through security to the big Terminal with the giant fountain and the atrium and the good Wi-Fi and the sushi. And me? I get to stand outside and wait for a bus. And when the bus gets to Terminal One, it’s like the ceilings were lowered another 5 feet  or something. And the color scheme of the Terminal….it’s like they worked hard to make you more depressed or something….Don’t get me started on the Duty Free….. Even the guys at Security seemed depressed that they had to work there instead of in the Happy Place…..The whole week, I’ve been reminiscing about life here in the ’90’s. Well guess what? I’m done with all that. Next time I want nostalgia I’ll listen to the Black Crowes. Oh and the whole time Avi kept helpfully sending selfies of him drinking Stella and eating sashimi….I’m still not speaking to him.

After Orly’s moving statement, the Daily Freier joined with other members of the Press to witness Terminal One being escorted into the Lod Police Station under heavy guard, and were able to snap photos of Terminal One with moustache and unruly Jewfro, dressed in a lime green leisure suit, brown pointy shoes, and a ruffled  shirt unbuttoned to his navel in the same color scheme as the chairs in the Terminal. He attempted to scream out that he was innocent, but his mouth was full of sunflower seeds.

UPDATE: Orly’s current mood brightened somewhat after landing at JFK and discovering that Airports can in fact suck even more than Terminal One.

 

 

 

 

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