Year: 2016

Walking Dead season finale to be filmed in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square because they don’t have to change a thing Daily Freier

Atarim Square, Tel Aviv Living December 5, 2016December 6, 2016

Walking Dead episode to be filmed in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square because they don’t have to change anything

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/5/2016 at 10:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Atarim: The city is kind of excited today as word spread that Blockbuster Television Hit “The Walking Dead” will film an episode in our very own Atarim Square because “we don’t need to change anything“. Atarim Square, which used to be named Namir Square after the Former Mayor until the place got so gross that the Mayor’s widow asked that his name be removed (really!), is a natural choice. Executive Assistant to the Producer Ryan P. explained.

“We wanted a locale that conveyed a total loss of hope. Like ‘The Road by Cormac McCarthy’ levels of bleak hopelessness. And then we found Atarim Square. Boom!” Yet despite the natural fit, there were a few early setbacks. “We had to bring a clean up crew in to tidy up a bit just to make it more realistic. It was that disgusting. I mean, the Walking Dead depicts an apocalyptic plague outbreak. But that place is just gross.“

Ryan continued to explain the process of setting up the shoot. “We were concerned that we would need special permits because I guess it’s a Palestinian Heritage Site or something, but fortunately, everything worked out. And if we want to shoot a second episode, we even have a right of return!”

In fact, Atarim Square’s location paid unexpected benefits for the production team, as Ryan explained to us. “We were even able to use some of the dancers at the Shomre-Shabbat strip club next door as extras for Negan’s harem.”

But even though things seemed to run smoothly, planning and choreographing a feature television show thousands of miles from home on short notice can be tough. Yet paradoxically, Atarim Square’s chaotic craptastickness somehow found a way to help. Lead Set Designer Melissa K. explained. “So at the last minute, the writers told us we needed to build a set for where Tara had hidden a decrepit boat in an abandoned shopping center. And we were freaking out. Like, in 2 hours, where are we going to finds a decrepit boat to put in an abandoned shopping center??? And then one of the techs told us that…hey…. did you see the decrepit boat lying around in the abandoned shopping center? Baruch HaShem.”
While Atarim Square’s unique funk helped some aspects of the production, other aspects suffered. In fact, paramedics needed to be called after actors playing Zombie Walkers passed out from the intense and overwhelming smell of dried pee and had to be revived with smelling salts.

After the paramedics left, some of the sound techs were unconvinced that the overwhelming stench was just pee, so they walked down to the nearest Lotto kiosk to place bets on exactly what the street liquid was made of.

The Daily Freier will keep its loyal readers apprised as to when the episode will air, and where we will have a viewing party.

No Daily Freier reporters were harmed in the taking of these photos.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living December 3, 2016February 24, 2019

Tired of being judged, Tel Aviv realtor now telling friends he’s a stripper

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/3/2016 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: Local real estate agent “Ron” is a little tired of the disrespect he receives from strangers, friends, and certain family members for his chosen vocation. Friends crossing the street when they see him. Dates getting up halfway through the sushi when he tells them what he does for a living. Certain cousins ‘forgetting’ to invite them to their wedding (looking at you, Meirav). So he has decided to take a stand. Ron is going to confront his detractors and say ‘Hey! Real estate agents are the engines of the…” Just kidding. He is going to lie his tuchus off. As of last Tuesday, Ron has begun telling his friends and family and neighbors that he quit his real estate job to pursue a career as a male stripper. Ron explained.

“So every day, my brother drops me off at Atarim Square on his way to work. And he thinks I am going to my ‘job’ as a stripper. But once he’s out of sight, I go to the parking lot, and change out of my leather chaps and cowboy hat and put on my realtor clothes. I know that I’m living a lie, but people have just started treating me so much nicer since I started doing this. I finally feel that I’m part of society. Am Yisrael Chai.”

In order to get all the facts, the Daily Freier decided to interview a few key personnel, starting with Ron’s Yenta Aunt, Nava. “I am so glad Ron quit his job as a realtor. Now stripper, that’s a step up. I mean, he needs to do a few more sit-ups and maybe actually try to bench his own weight, but nobody’s perfect.”

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Ron’s neighborhood juice guy on the corner, Naor, who shared his philosophy on this topic. “I’m actually proud of him. He needs to stay away from that Real Estate Agent Balagan. Listen…… yesterday at my shop somebody compared Tel Aviv realtors to Hamas. But there are differences. One of these groups has a worldview completely at odds with the Israeli public, makes outrageous demands, and seems to hate Israelis personally….. and the other one has some missiles and is based in Gaza.”

While Ron is still committed to the whole realtor thing, he has begun doing some research on what an actual male stripper would earn by checking Secret Tel Aviv, and he has to admit, switching professions is tempting.

As the Daily Freier ended the interview with Ron and got up to leave the coffee shop, he asked us for 6000 Shekels plus VAT “because I found this place and opened the door for you“.

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ISIS December 1, 2016December 1, 2016

“Guys! let’s write a fake story about a Spanish Gay Porn Star who joins the German Spy Agency, secretly converts to Islam, self-radicalizes, and gets busted in a Jihadist chat room plotting an insider attack!”

(SPOILER ALERT: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED)

SCENE: The Daily Freier Newsroom. Morning Staff Meeting

Yuval Weiss, Editor: OK people! It’s a slow news day. We need to make something up. Maybe we can write something about a guy joining the German Intelligence Agency.

Lee Saunders: OK, but the guy is actually of Spanish descent.

Yuval: Good! Next!

Mia Deych: Can he be gay?

Yuval: Yes! Next!

Aaron Pomerantz: OK, but he’s also active in the gay adult film industry until 2011.

Yuval: Not only is that idea in the story, that idea is DEFINITELY in the story! Next!

Yekutiel Bornstein: But now he’s on the DL. Like married with 4 kids.

Yuval: Brilliant! Next!

Emily Goldstein: But then he secretly converts to Islam in 2014!

Yuval! Perfect! Now THIS is brainstorming!

Mark Levy: And then he self-radicalizes!

Yuval: I’m feeling it! Next!

Lee: But then he applies to work in the German Intelligence Service and is accepted!

Yuval: Amazing! Keep it going! Next!

Aaron: And let’s make him 51 years old. You know, Like Bono except much younger!

Yuval: Yes! We have the momentum! Next!

Mia: Then he starts frequenting Jihadi Internet Chat Rooms!

Yuval!: Money! Next!

Emily: Can we make it so that he’s not that smart? Like he says in the chat room that he’s a German Intelligence agent of Spanish descent?

Yuval: Yes! And in the Jihadi chat room, his alias is the same as his Gay Porn Name! Next!

Yekutiel: So in the chat room he offers to facilitate access to the spy agency’s headquarters in Cologne! And then… what’s wrong?

Yuval: (Checking his I-Phone) F–K! This actually just happened! This has never happened before in the history of satire. I mean, it’s not like any of our crazy stories ever come true in real life or anything!

Guest Writer Wednesday, Start Up Nation November 30, 2016November 30, 2016

“OMG Why is this Israeli honking at me??!” We have the answers.

By Mia Deych and Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/30/2016 at 8:00 PM

Herzliya: Start-up Nation is burning up the news feed again, and this is why: A new app that helps you to understand the reason(s) why at any given time an Israeli is honking at you.

If getting honked at baffles and puzzles you, the new app will finally give you a comprehensive answer. A Herzliya-based start-up developed unique sound sensors that not only analyze…..just kidding. They actually just stole the algorithms from the Shazam app and rewrote them to analyze car horns instead of songs. But they did make it possible to link to your Facebook or Snapchat to meet new friends or find a one-night shidduch.

Reasons why Israelis honk include but are not limited to:
· They hate you
· They like you
· They’re hitting on you
· They are going to hit your car
· They are being mischievous
· They are being meticulous
· They’re sorry

One of the first Beta-Test users, South African Olah Jessy shared her insights: “This app has turned my driving experience upside down! I used to think it was all ceaseless road rage or blunt rudeness, but now I make new friends every time I hit the road. Driving to work and back has become so much fun!”

Taxi driver Yossi said that this app is even more useful than GetTaxi. “Each time I see an old friend or a pretty girl, I want to talk to them, but it’s hard to get through the Balagan of all the honking. The app helps me to…” Yossi got distracted and started honking at our friend Jessy as she was parking her car on the sidewalk. His honk could’ve been interpreted as “You’re not allowed to park here”, but based on Yossi’s previous history, the app automatically deduced that he was inviting her for a hookup and/or Shabbat dinner with his extended family.

Times of Israel November 29, 2016

Fidel Castro now enrolled in Professor Arafat’s Civics 101 seminar at Hell Community College

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/28/2016 at 7:20 PM

Gehenna: Hell’s newest resident, a Mister Fidel Castro, late of Havana, has wasted no time getting situated in the abode that will be his residence for eternity. Immediately upon arriving in the Netherworld this weekend, Mr. Castro enrolled in classes over at Hell Community College, located on the Fifth Circle, right next to the Hell Convention Center which hosted last Summer’s FOREX Conference.

Like all Totalitarian Dictators, Castro is condemned to spend an eternity in an introductory Civics course, learning over and over and over again the principles of a civil society that maintains the consent of the governed.

(The Daily Freier is published on Times of Israel today. Check it out!)

Barack Obama November 27, 2016November 27, 2016

People of Israel, You’re Welcome.

Sometimes, when one has received a helping hand …. or as we used to say in Chicago, “a solid“, it can be difficult to truly explain the emotions that one feels. Like gratitude. And that’s kind of the situation where we are right now. And by “we” I mean “you” the people of Israel. and “me” The President of the United States.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot that you can be thankful for. I mean, people have come up with a lot of ideas for peace. Bill Clinton did the whole “Peace Process” thing. And I suppose his idea of gaining the love and trust of the Israeli people before demanding tough concessions was a good idea… for the 90’s.

And I guess George W. Bush had an interesting plan as far as it goes in terms of building a deep personal bond with Ariel Sharon. But what did he get, besides Israel completely withdrawing from Gaza after 40 years and handing it over to the Palestinian Authority? Are you following?

So clearly, this problem was crying out for a new way of doing business. And that’s where I came in.

I know it’s been a while, but let’s look back to 2009 when I flew over here to address the Muslim World and notably didn’t take a detour to say hi to Israel. Brilliance. Or again, for a bit of Chicago vernacular, I flipped the script …. But it gets better.

Remember the Arab Spring? Gotta say, that Mubarak character was a bit of “old hat“. Why not take a spin with the Muslim Brotherhood? As my friend Hillary would say, “What difference does it make?”

Which brings us to Syria. So there’s some folks who said the best path was to just do nothing and keep quiet. Bu that doesn’t represent. Our values. As Americans. And then you had some folks popping off. Saying we should establish a No-Fly Zone. But all of these folks failed to see the Third Approach: lecture and criticize Putin and Assad without actually, like, doing anything to back it up. And bang! We were able to bear witness and hold Putin Assad accountable, without, like, actually having to hold them accountable.

Now when we look at the Iran Deal, a lot of folks said it couldn’t be done. That our positions were too far apart. And then we had some folks. Right here in Israel. And they were popping off about this. Without knowing. All the facts. But they didn’t have the big picture. Which I had. And my Administration showed. That if you just gave Iran everything they asked for plus 20%, that they could be reasonable.

So after spending eight years with someone, you’re able to know what your partner is saying without them saying anything at all. Like that Alison Krauss song that’s so popular with the Deplorables rural folks. So I hear what you’re saying, Israel. And all I have to say, is ‘You’re welcome‘.

Obama out.

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living November 26, 2016November 26, 2016

New Israel Lotto game asks you to Guess the Street Liquid

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/26/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda: By popular demand, the Israeli Lottery Authority introduced a new game this week, entitled “Guess the Street Liquid“. Each Lotto kiosk now has a puddle of unknown origin on its sidewalk, with local citizens invited to try their luck guessing its contents. Despite the seemingly simple aspects of this game of chance, there are some rules. While Lotto encourages using one’s sense of sight and sense of smell, there is a strict “No Touching” rule. The Daily Freier hung out with the kiosk attendant “Dudu” for about a half hour and watched the citizens of Tel Aviv take a spin with Lady Luck.

First on the scene was Alert local Ronit S., who stopped by the kiosk on her way home from the Shuk and decided to try out this new game of chance. Ronit spent a full minute contemplating the puddle, carefully circling the puddle from right to left and then from left to right before making her guess and filling out the bubbles on the Lottery Card.

“So I think this is mazgan runoff. Mixed with mop water. And maybe a dash of pee.”

Next to stop by was Gideon.” Since we are only a few blocks from that arsey club on the corner of Ben Yehuda and Allenby, and seeing as they had a big promotion last night, I’m going with ‘Goldstar, vomit, and bad decisions’. OK, give me a bubble sheet to fill out.”

Finally, recent Oleh Zachary decided to place a wager. Zachary took a moment to smell the air around the puddle before placing his eyes at street level to make an expert analysis. “I gotta go with burnt peanut oil, because of the buffet over there.” noted Zachary as he gestured toward the nearby Chinese restaurant. “But there’s just too much funk from sunflower seed husks and body odor. So I gotta say that somebody also spilled that new cologne ‘Tahanah Merkazit’. OK so where do I collect my prize?”

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Aliyah, Start Up Nation November 25, 2016December 22, 2018

Grateful Olim thank Cellcom and Pelephone for toughening them up into Sabras

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 11/25/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Azrieli: “I wanna show the nation my appreciation”: these inspiring words from the famous song by Shaggy will become the slogan of a new community, uniting and bonding grateful clients of Cellcom and Pelephone for slowly turning them into tough Sabras through contracts that are slightly harder to understand than the Gamara, but slightly easier to escape than an Iranian prison.

American Oleh Josh explained to The Daily Freier the unique mandate behind this initiative. “When you come to Israel, young and naive, one of the first errands you have to do is to buy a SIM Card”. Josh took a second to scroll through multiple notifications from WhatsApp and Tinder on his screen. “And then along came our… I would say sages……Israeli mobile operators. I mean the old-school ones – Cellcom and Pelephone”.

Josh showed us his first contract with Cellcom. “I didn’t even know where my name was, so I just signed it. After a month, it turned out that I had to pay 40 shekels more for direct transactions from my bank account and not my credit card (like, what?) and extra money for the SIM-card and stuff. I was livid. I thought they were scamming me for money! But now I understand that all those ostensibly fraudulent schemes are designed to mentor and guide us in the Land of our Forefathers. I really appreciate all the fights at their office that have made me a real (tough!) Israeli”.

Recent British Olah Sarah joined our conversation. “So true! I speak Hebrew, my dad’s Israeli; yet it took me almost a month to cancel my second Pelephone SIM-card for my iPad. Each time I called them, they tried to convince me to ponder my decision and promptly hung up on me, until I finally managed to overcome my Britishness and shout at them. Such a wonderful relief! I still have to pay 300 shekels for the SIM-card, but what an experience that was. Like the time I found out that Hebrew vowels were totally made up just to screw with Olim.”

Cellcom and Pelephone spokespersons have not given their official comments, but in a private conversation, Shlomi from the Cellcom kiosk in Azrieli Center agreed. “Finally our efforts in helping Olim are appreciated. Some Israeli banks are trying to do this job, but they are not as dedicated and consistent as we are. But, gotta say, Kol Kvod for all of Hot Cable’s efforts.”

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Election 2016, Guest Writer Wednesday November 23, 2016November 23, 2016

Nursery Rhyme Characters join Post-Election Protests

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/23/2016 at 8:00 AM

London: The twin shock wins of Brexit and Apprentice host Donald Trump have produced an unexpected surge in violent protests and assaults among nursery rhyme characters.

Lazy chav Humpty Dumpty was arrested in England for racially attacking Polish construction
workers after he fell from a retaining wall, which left him unable to get disability benefits for a fractured fibula. Also arrested was an angry Little Miss Muffet for throwing her old tuffet, the only furniture she had left after IKEA relocated all its branches to Ireland.

Old Macdonald left his barren farm, together with Mary, who had to eat her little lamb or go to a food shelter, and Little Bo Peep, who did lose her entire flock …to a lousy exchange rate, to show moral support for poor Baa Baa Black Sheep. Baa had no wool left after the EU stopped its subsidies, killing off his farm and it also refused to import the three bags full that he had produced because of EU quotas applicable to Brexit Britain.

Meanwhile, Stateside, Jill was left seething after boyfriend Jack, who went to fetch her a pail of water, broke his crown but was left uninsured to see a dentist after Trump threw out Obamacare.

Over at the Spout, Itsy Bitsy Spider failed to climb it when the sun didn’t come out to dry the rain after Donald ripped up America’s pledge to curb greenhouse gases.

And having kissed all the girls and made them cry, Georgie Porgie avoided a harassment lawsuit and was given a cabinet position by Trump, in quite a turnaround for li’l Georgie. When the boys came out to play, Georgie didn’t always run away so he was forced to undergo the ‘conversion’ therapy urged (and experienced) by VP Mike-on-the-down-low Pence.

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Aliyah, Dating and Relationships, The IDF November 22, 2016February 24, 2019

“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

But I hooked up with a Golani (Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year. The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.

“I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here. I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”

When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.”

Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.

UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.