Tag: BDS

Ken Livingstone discovers Jewish roots, takes name “Ken Ben Zona”

Ken Livingstone Ben Zona(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/21/2016 at 4:00 PM

London: Former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone took time out of his busy schedule of claiming that Hitler was a Zionist to discover that he may very well be Jewish. “Greville Janner used to drive me home from the House of Commons at night. We would chat away about the Middle East. He would speculate about whether or not I was Jewish because my grandmother’s name was Zona.” (Reader Alert! He really really said this! He also said that some of his best friends are Jewish!)

Mr. Livingstone continued to describe his mystical journey. “I felt that the best way to honor my heritage would be to bestow myself a Jewish name. Henceforth, you can address me as Ken Ben Zona!

The UK’s Jewish Community responded wholeheartedly to the news. Local businessman Darren B. was very excited.  “The next time somebody accuses Mr. Livingstone of being against the Jews, I’m going to tell them that Ken’s not an Anti-Semite, he’s a Ben Zona!

In order to get a Legalistic view of this exciting development, the Daily Freier traveled to Golders Green and spoke to Rabbi Chaim L., who explained that since Judaism has a matrilineal tradition, “Ken’s been Ben Zona the whole time, even if he only discovered this now!

In a follow-up phone interview, Mr. Livingstone took the time to patiently explain that he was not in fact a Time Traveling Android sent from the future to destroy the Labour Party through farce.

 

At least Roger Waters isn’t just screwing the Jews now

Daily Freier Roger Waters Isn't Just Screwing the Jews NowThe Daily Freier extends a sincere Congratulations to Roger Waters and Rula Jebreal on their couplehood.  Pink Floyd legend Roger Waters, a vocal critic of Israel, is dating Palestinian journalist and author Rula Jebreal after divorcing his fourth wife.

The Daily Freier asks our readers not to submit tasteless jokes on whether he dresses up in an old IDF uniform when they role play “Checkpoint“. The Daily Freier will also maintain a strict policy of not allowing our readers to speculate about the use of the words  “Occupation“, “Territory” or “Colonization” vis-a-vis any intimate relationships they may or may not engage in.  Finally, the Daily Freier will not countenance any reference to “Laying Pipe at the Gates of Dawn

Although we hope Roger appreciates the irony that he uprooted and displaced a Jew.……

 

 

 

In big Win for BDS, Omar Barghouti brings bag lunch to Tel Aviv University today

Loose Seal

Buster Bluth

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/6/2016 at 9:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: In what experts are calling a huge victory against Israel, Boycott/Divest/Sanctions (BDS) Founder/Qatari Exchange Student Omar Barghouti has decided today to avoid the eateries at Tel Aviv University and instead bring a bag lunch from home. In between trying to replace Israel with a Palestinian State, Mr. Barghouti has found time to matriculate at the Zionist Entity’s Tel Aviv University, where he is a PhD candidate in the Chutzpadik Department (Ha Ha! Just Kidding! But not really!).

Mr. Barghouti, who normally boycotts Israeli media because they have cooties,  spoke with the Daily Freier after we put on a Rage Against the Machine T-Shirt and a keffiyeh and tricked him into thinking we were just another goofy Tel Aviv leftist from +972.  Mr. Barghouti then explained his moral stand against Israel. “Today I refuse to eat at the campus McDonald’s. I refuse to go to the cafeteria in the Sports Center with the nice ready-made avocado sandwiches. Nor will I go to the Aroma with those cute little chocolates that they give away with every coffee. Nor will I go to that debauched beer cart with all of the degenerates in the middle of the Campus Quad. No, today I take a stand and bring a bag lunch from home consisting of Osem chips, and leftover Burger Ranch from last night. Thus are the sacrifices of a Campus Revolutionary like myself.

When the Daily Freier told Mr. Barghouti that it was a bit rich to derive benefit from a nation he sought to dismantle, he replied  “My studies at Tel-Aviv University are a personal matter and I have no interest in commenting.” (NOT SATIRE! HE REALLY REALLY SAID THIS!)

When the Daily Freier asked Mr. Barghouti if he might build on today’s success and continue the food boycott tomorrow, he looked at us with disdain. “And miss out on Taco Tuesday at the University Food Court??? No I don’t think so.

Sick of the Middle East Balagan, Israel considers ‘MExit’

Knesset MExit Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/1/2016 at 6:10 PM

Jerusalem: In a world of naff abbreviations, memes and soundbites, the Israeli Knesset this week debated a motion brought by rebel MKs on the benefits of an Israeli ‘MExit‘: an exit from the Middle East.

Seeing how all the talk of a ‘Brexit‘ (British Exit) in Europe has engaged an apathetic British public from its political slumber and scared the bejesus heck out of the European Union, the Israeli PM agreed to the debate, which raged well into Friday night. Drunken new Defense Minister Avigdor ‘the Tom Jones of Odessa’ Lieberman cried into his vodka: “I don’t want to move but at least we would not have to find a lousy Eurovision entry. It’s humiliating. Like Arafat in a thong.

One of the more sensible suggestions was to charter 2,300 El Al flights, 43,000 kosher meals and take Israeli citizens on a junket to northern Thailand – where most seem to spend their post-army travels and run travel agencies.

Another suggestion was to fit all of the Holy Land inside two streets in a Shanghai suburb, which raised the prospect of Tel Avivians enjoying Chinese food that was actually good.

A third and more challenging option, was to transfer the Jewish people to Mars. Whilst this idea drew widespread support in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, and among the BDS movement, there was also a great deal of support WITHIN Israel as real estate giant Shikun & Binui immediately applied for planning permission to build affordable high-rises on the red planet. Marketing the development as ‘Eilat in the Sky,’ young Israelis were also excited, as it seems they don’t actually enjoy paying more than 4,000 shekels a month for a studio as large as a border collie. With nothing to grow, nothing to do and an atmosphere lacking breathable air, Mars is using advertising slogans from the Beersheba tourist board.  Discussions broke down after participants learned that the Palestinians claim Mars was actually originally theirs.

There was also excitement in Israel to the sweet idea recently proposed by a British MP that Israel should be moved to the United States of America. “It would fit inside New Jersey” shrieked one excited Israeli, in a three kilometer line for Green Cards at the U.S. Embassy.

Upon the news, everyone’s dreaded President-Elect Donald Trump escorted the U.S. navy to patrol the seas off Ellis Island, carrying a Monty Pythonesque placard saying: “What have the bloody Jews ever done for us?” before being counter-sued by his son-in-law Jared Kushner.

As morning rolled around, Bibi called UK Prime Minister David Cameron to see if he would consider a land swap. The UK would return to supervise the land of Israel while Israelis moved into their relatives’ homes in Hendon and Golders Green. Netanyahu also said Dana International could stay and sing for the UK in next year’s Eurovision. David Cameron, vehemently against a Brexit, was said to be considering such a sweetener.

Omar Barghouti asks Nefesh B’Nefesh for help with Residency Permit

Omar Barghouti

Buster Bluth

Loose Seal

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 11:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: Qatari Boycott Divest and Sanctions mascot Omar Barghouti is in a bit of a conundrum lately, as the country he is trying to take down through lawfare apparently is not being terribly helpful with his travel permits. Barghouti, who is a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University when he is not trying to destroy the country that funds his education, has lately turned to Nefesh B’Nefesh to help straighten things out.  The Daily Freier got a copy of Barghouti’s letter to Nefesh B’Nefesh by pestering their receptionist for 30 minutes until she gave it to us if we would just go away.

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Greetings Facilitators of the Ongoing Illegal Occupation of the 1948 Territories,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I am writing your Entity because I hear that you know how to “grease the wheels” of the bureaucracy for Semites who wish to live here. So Please help. You’re a Semite. And I am also a Semite…. who dislikes certain other Semites. But that is neither here nor there. The Bottom Line is that my Inalienable Right to attend overseas conferences and be feted as the awesome guy that I am is being jeopardized.  Besides, Max Blumenthal owes me 30 Bucks and if I can catch up with him at the Berkeley Confab I am pretty sure I can collect. Anyhoo, hook me up. Because if I am not allowed to travel overseas it would be a total disaster. Or, you know, a Naqba.

Cordially,

Omar

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Reaction to Mr. Barghouti’s letter has been mixed, with some very strong opinions. Alert Local Ronit S. described her reaction. “Wow. The idea that a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University would seek to destroy the very State that is providing his education is a complete shock…. to anyone who has never been to Tel Aviv University.

Word on the street is that if Mr. Barghouti’s current plan doesn’t work, he will sneak in and out of the country on Birthright Tours.

A.D. 2040: Tories send Androids through Time to destroy Labour

A.D. 2050: Tories send Androids through Time to destroy Labour

By The Pan-Earth Daily Freier Conglomerate Staff 

Last Updated 4/30/2040 at 300 Solar Hours

Edgeware Spaceport: Leaked reports from today’s Conservative Party Conference point to a sinister plot to destroy its rivals: create a team of unpleasant and obtuse androids, send them through a Black Hole to the Earth Year 2016, program them to infiltrate the Labour Party, and destroy the Party from within by making it an international laughingstock.

Prime Minister Beckham held a news conference where he denounced these plans; “We fully and forcefully denounce this treacherous  attempt to preemptively destroy the Coalition by ensuring that it never existed. We denounce the creation of the Corbynborg, designed to seek out unsavoury Hezbollah and Hamas “friends” for tea. We stand fully against the Gallowayback Machine, allegedly programmed to annoy even its friends while it dresses as a cat. And we deplore the planned RedKen 2000, and its obsession with a certain Austrian Corporal from the mid-20th Century.”

The Conservative Party for its part denied all charges, with MP Styles pushing back at the accusations. “These charges are ridiculous on their face.  No serious Party would let itself get taken over by such a group of clowns, no matter how sophisticated you programmed them.  This is simply another fantasy invented by the Prime Minister and Lord Mayor Russel Brand.”

 

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Help us Roger Waters, You’re our only Hope!

barry

Dear Roger,

We know that we may not have started off  “on the right foot” together.  But that was the past. It doesn’t make any sense to dredge up “old hat”. Like the time we said you got hired by MSNBC. Or the time we said that you were no Syd Barrett. Or the time we said you were a dick ….. No, it is time to move past old conflicts.  To let go. To throw off the past (Hey, how do you say ‘throw off‘ in Arabic?  A bit rusty over here).

So, here’s the thing.  There’s no easy way to say this. We Need Your Help. We’re going to say two words. BARRY. MANILOW. In Concert. Tel Aviv. Israel. June 30th (OK, that’s like 8 words). Which has left us in the uncomfortable position of rethinking our stance on the BDS Movement. Like maybe we can meet you guys half-way.

Bottom Line: You need to stop this shit. NOW.

We know you can do this.  We’ve seen you in action.  You convinced highly talented, highly nuts singer Lauryn Hill to cancel her Israel tour (What’s her beef with the Jooz anyway?  Was it a Jewish accountant who told her that paying your income tax was optional?). Same with Elvis Costello, whose dedication to “peace and justice” appears to be a bit of a new thing for him.

Anyhoo, we are like begging you. And we’re willing to lend a hand.  Tell us what you need.  Social Media?  Stuffing envelopes? An angry mob?  We’re there!  Teaming up with George Galloway in solidarity wi…. well, no.  Not so much.

Help us Obi-Waters Kenobi, you’re our only Hope.

Hugs,

FREIER!

The Daily Freier

Corbyn ‘Concerned’ by tomorrow’s Anti-Semitic Tweet From Labour Councillor

Steve Punter :Corbis

(Photo Credit: Steve Punter/Corbis)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/10/2016 at 11:50 AM

London: Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn expressed his concern following tomorrow’s tweet from a Labour Party Councillor alleging that the Joooz secretly run the banks from a secret enclave in the Swiss Alps.  Labour, which lately appears to strive to be the “Socialism” in “The Socialism of Fools“, was taken very much off guard by tomorrow’s tweet, as this type of thing simply does not happen in Labour.

The Councilor who will send the tweet, from Luton or Birmingham or maybe Manchester, is now “under investigation” and will be expelled from the Party the day after tomorrow, after which he or she will quietly be re-admitted some time around August.

In other news, members of Labour’s Environment and Ecology Committee have proposed a tree-saving initiative in which instead of a full-page statement, the Party will denounce future anti-Semitic tweets with a terse “Please see our last statement on this subject.

Mr. Corbyn for his part stressed that tomorrow’s tweet will be an isolated incident. “I am extremely concerned with tomorrow’s tweet. However, I must state that tomorrow’s tweet is not part of any pattern of anti-Semitism within the Party.  And neither was the previous incident.  Nor the incident before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that.”

 

 

 

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Max Blumenthal: Mossad Secretly Turned Me into a Nepotist Hack

 

Max_Blumenthal_on_RT_America(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 10:50 PM

Reston, Virginia: Noted pundit Max Blumenthal dropped a bombshell of an accusation earlier today: that Israel’s Clandestine Service undertook a secret program that slowly and deliberately transformed him into a hack writer who cashes in on the connections of his father, noted Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal.  The Daily Freier sat down with Max at a local Starbucks to get the whole Megillah.

It all started about 10 years ago. I was a somewhat intelligent, if not particularly original college graduate. I guess the Mossad saw that as a threat. So they must have given me some sort of serum I guess. Or subliminal messages in my TV. Or maybe put a virus on my Mac….  Anyhow, within a couple of years I realized that I had degenerated into a cliché-ridden anti-Israel hack writer.  And yeah, Dad did not like that at all.”

The Daily Freier pressed Mr. Blumenthal for details on his alarming accusation.”I still don’t totally get it myself. Things just got….weird. For example, this German politician called me an Anti-Semite. So somehow the Mossad got me to follow him into a public restroom so I could yell at him. Now I’m banned from the Bundestag. [NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED]Real crazy stuff. And then, get this, the Israeli’s got a  guy at that right-wing magazine ‘The Nation’ to describe my book as having been written for “The Hamas Book of the Month Club”…. I gotta admit, that’s pretty clever…..But yeah, Dad fixed that guy good.

In order to hear all sides of this troubling saga, the Daily Freier reached out to the Clinton campaign to get Hillary’s take on what her Key Advisor’s son has been up to vis-a-vis the Joooz. In response, her campaign spokesperson provided the following statement. ‘Secretary Clinton has nothing but the highest regard for Max. Which is why the campaign has provided him a generous grant to help with ‘Campaign Outreach’ in Papua New Guinea.  The grant runs through mid-November, and unfortunately there won’t be a lot of Internet for Max to communicate with the rest of the World.  But that’s the price one must pay for his expertise.  We look forward to reading his Trip Report sometime around Thanksgiving.”

When the Daily Freier asked Max for clarification on his new gig in the South Pacific, he promised to get back to us just as soon as the ghost of Christopher Hitchens stopped ruthlessly mocking him.