Tag: Netanyahu

Guest Writer Wednesday, The Donald May 23, 2017May 23, 2017

Let’s play “The Donald’s Mid-East Bingo”!

Last Updated 5/23/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.

When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.

Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.

Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.

Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’

For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.

Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.

Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.

Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.

The Donald, Yom Ha'atzmaut May 2, 2017May 9, 2019

Air Force One Accidentally Joins Israeli Independence Day Flyover

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 10:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.

The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.

The crowd ooooohed and aaaaahed but it was clear that the annual display was only supposed to feature F-35’s, F-52’s, B-52s, Commodore 64s, paper planes, the helicopter from the A-Team, the Starship Enterprise, the hot air balloon starring Wonderwoman Gal Gadot, and a drone owned by patriotic forgetful taxpayer/model Bar Refaeli. Incidentally, United Airlines was not invited. And El Al was late. And then, out of nowhere, a plume of orange smoke sent terrified beachgoers diving for cover.

The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69” tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.

Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.”

North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.

#goingtohellinahandbasket
#hunkerdownandprayfordaylight

BDS, Israellycool, Peter Beinart, Tikkun Olam March 9, 2017

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of whether you are reading Peter Beinart’s latest impassioned critique of the Jewish State or Taylor Swift’s latest breakup song. Like, it’s an honest mistake. One of them is moody, self-absorbed, and uses the pen to lash out at perceived betrayals when a relationship ends…… And the other one used to date a Jonas Brother. But anyhoo, we thought we would quiz the loyal readers of Israellycool. Good luck!

(The Daily Freier wrote this on Israellycool. Go check it out and take the Quiz!)

Guest Writer Wednesday, The United Nations January 18, 2017

USA abstains on UN Resolution condemning Moses’s crimes against Egypt

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 1/18/2017 at 6:30 PM

New York, Turtle Bay: Israel’s not-so-great position at the United Nations sunk to new depths this week after the UN Security Council passed, with the United States abstaining, a resolution demanding the investigation into alleged crimes committed by Moses. You know, the guy from the Bible. Dead for 3200 years, Moshe Rabenu, a homeless shepherd, was condemned for kidnap, economic sabotage of the Egyptian people and as an accomplice to mass murder. With the US failure to veto this resolution, the BDS movement is expected to boycott “everything that’s kinda Jewy“, to include Facebook, Chinese Food, and Woody Allen movies.

The Resolution, first reported by that bastion of free press in the Middle East Al Jazeera, states that Moses forcibly removed 600,000 relatively content Jews from kibbutzim in Egypt, force-fed them crackers that taste like cardboard until they were sick, and then sped towards Eilat in a second-hand Hyundai. Furthermore, as the Canaanite Police Department gave chase, Moses the Terrible and his Zionist entities vandalized the streets of Cairo with a bunch of dead locusts and frogs. Police also believe he is responsible for splitting a sea, in contravention to international environmental laws.

“These crimes caused such economic hardship in Egypt that it ultimately led to revolutions and the arrival of ISIS.” said the UN’s outgoing Secretary General, Bank Ki Wank I Moon.

The investigation has been one of the longest in Egyptian history. Police did not open the file for more than 2,000 years, after only packets of Kosher-for-Passover Bamba and stubbed out spliffs were found in the wilderness around the Sinai town of Dahab.

Al Jazeera, however, managed to track down a key witness, Mahmoud, a retired tour guide. “It was definitely Moses. The trunk was flapping open and closed, with two giant tablets in the back. There were hundreds of kids strapped to the roof. I thought it was a school trip to the Coral Reef.” said Mahmoud. It is believed that Moses relied on an early version of Waze, a phenomenal breakthrough in GPS technology, which helped direct Noah to dry land during some pretty bad weather.

Israeli Prime Minister, Bibi Netanyahu, fresh from his latest romantic dinner with the other Moses, Arnon, said: “If you were abandoned in a wicker basket as a baby, you too would have a point to prove. Why should he be held to higher standards?”

Bibi received support from his new BFF, incoming President Trump, who googled “What is the United Nations?” before tweeting “Like #MerylStreep, the UN is vastly overrated.”

Binyamin Netanyahu January 7, 2017

So I hear you’ve got a cigar problem…

Bibi acting Coach Obama miss him Daily Freier

Barack Obama, Binyamin Netanyahu November 19, 2016November 22, 2016

Hollywood Acting Coach now teaching Bibi to say with a straight face that he will miss Obama

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/19/2016 at 11:00 PM

Jerusalem: With the Era of Trump only 2 months away, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu is racing against time to master an impossible task: the ability to tell outgoing U.S. President Barack Obama that he will miss him without giggling like a schoolgirl at a One Direction autograph signing. To meet this nearly insurmountable task, the Likud Party has enlisted the help of Joey Feldman, Acting Coach to the Stars. The Daily Freier managed to speak with Joey between rehearsal takes at the Prime Minister’s Residence.

“Listen pal, I’ve been in this business for forty years, and trust me, I’ve seen it all and done it all. I got all of the Eagles to pretend they liked each other for their Reunion Tour. I managed to convince the World for almost a decade and a half that Ricky Martin was into chicks. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING compared to this challenge. I’ve got less than seven weeks to teach this Bibi character to say that he’s going to miss Obama and all the good times they’ve had. I’m pulling my hair out over here.”

Joey led us into the rehearsal studio he had set up in the Prime Minister’s living room and allowed us to sit in on his coaching.

“OK Bibi baby. One more time. From the Top….And…. GO!”

“Mr. President, as you and Michelle prepare for the next Chapter in your lives, I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, that I will not miss…. I mean I will miss….. I’m sorry. This is too much!” At this point the Prime Minister chuckled and looked around the room embarrassed.

“Bibi Baby. You’re killing me over here. What’s the problem now?”

“I’m sorry Joey. I just can’t lie this much. And believe me, I’ve told some whoppers in my day.”

“OK, Bibi. Let’s run with that…… Sit back, relax….. and pretend that you need to tell a junket of American Jews that you won’t let the Rabbanut run the show on Conversions and Weddings in Israel.”

And the next take went surprisingly well.

Save

The Donald September 5, 2016September 30, 2016

The Middle East decides to be more like The Donald

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 7:00 AM

Jerusalem: Prospects for peace took a turn for the better this week as leaders in the Middle East tried to emulate the goofy logic of Donald ‘The Donald‘ Trump. Suddenly, longstanding enemies have decided to pay for each others’ infrastructure projects, boosting the chances of a less violent 2017.

The day after US presidential hopeful Donald Trump claimed that Mexico would pay for a long wall that HE wants to build, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu was inspired by such an act of generosity, making the Palestinians an offer they can’t refuse. He agreed to pay for the conversion of the maze of tunnels built by Hamas under Israel into affordable housing, offering small (your realtor called them “cozy”) 2.5 room flats with modern conveniences unknown in Israel such as an actual kitchen, a living room where people can sit, functioning air conditioning units and an IKEA shelving unit tailored for grenades. Tel Aviv residents have already begun to include the tunnels into their searches on Yad Shtayim.

Hamas’ northern buddies Hezbollah seemed to appreciate the gesture by Bibi, immediately offering to pay for a higher barbed wire fence separating Lebanon from Israel. Hezbollah leader, Hassan Nasrallah confirmed on their Al Manar Television Station: “We still remain opposed to The Zionist Entity’s right to be on any map but we wanted to make it a little more challenging for our pious and motivated fighters when they fire rockets over the barbed wire. So we set up a standing order to import the metal wire from all of Bar Refaeli’s bras.”

The Egyptians called for a ceasefire between its army and the various terrorists wandering around Sinai, who were getting bored with shooting tin cans off the backs of camels. Cairo has built a second set of Pyramids – out of chickpeas – to offer 3 star accommodation to the violent jihadists. Tragically, thirty fighters died when one of the Pyramids collapsed Jenga-style after a local housewife took a handful to make hummus.

Save

Start Up Nation September 4, 2016September 4, 2016

Both Haredi Guys in Israel with Jobs arrive late for Work today after Shabbat train repairs Cancelled

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 9/4/2016 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor Central Train Station: The economy took a significant hit when the two Haredi men in Israel with full-time jobs were delayed in getting to work today because the Government chose to halt needed infrastructure on several on Israel’s rail system on Shabbat following pressure from the Shas and United Torah Judaism Political Parties. The Daily Freier walked (traffic was backed up!) down to Savidor to speak with both affected Haredi commuters, Shmuel and Chaim.

“This stinks. My boss is going to kill me!” said Shmuel, from Bnai Barak, as he waited for the train to Herzliya to get to his job as an accountant. “But it’s important to get to work so I can pay my taxes! Just like everyone else!” When the Daily Freier explained to Shmuel that his political parties were responsible for the Balagan, Shmuel argued that the crisis was equally due to the fact that Netanyahu and his Transportation Minister maintained a working relationship more appropriate to a “Gossip Girl” episode. “Not that I ever watched that show. Or, like, TV in general.” he quickly added.

Chaim, on his way from Beit Shemesh to his job in Ramat Aviv, was equally concerned. “My boss is going to dock my pay one hour. But that’s OK. It just goes to show that we’re all in this together!” As he sat on the platform waiting for the train that wasn’t arriving, Shmuel tried to stay positive. “This is really inconvenient, but Hey! Life goes on. I mean, it’s not like the movement of military personnel was delayed by this or anything. Wait, cancel that thought.“

Save

Guest Writer Wednesday August 10, 2016March 21, 2023

Drama in the Tel Aviv Yoga Community

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Chakra Rich

Last Updated 8/10/2016 at 7:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: In an effort to prove once and for all to the rest of the nation that Tel Aviv is NOT a den of frivolous weirdos, the city has decided to wage a debate between yoga enthusiasts and pilates nuts. And since it involves Israel, this debate has captured the attention of people who don’t live in Israel but still have a lot to say about Israel anyway. For example, the World Council of Pilates is demanding fairer rights for Pilatians in Israel. Council Chairperson Helen Hartuchus explained.

“There is incredible discrimination in Israel regarding Pilates. From the government down to the streets they only discuss Yoga. Yoga, yoga, yoga. They only practice Yoga. They do Yoga at festivals. Yoga in the street. Yoga on the beach. Several Israelis who wish to practice Pilates approached me and say they just don’t feel part of everyday society. They feel in some ways alienated. Israel talks of being a free society but it is just not the case for Pilates Students.”

Meanwhile born-again Yoga students are protesting too…. against other forms of yoga! Hatha Yoga, the traditional and original form of Yoga, claims to be the more spiritual form of practice. It ‘claims‘ to be the true way to connect with our internal energies and the Universe as a whole. Yet some people out there don’t practice Hatha and now feel they are being discriminated against.

Florentin resident Yonatan, who was very inflexible when he started but who can now touch his toes and sit cross-legged while eating muesli, shared his story with the Daily Freier. “I feel I am a born again Yoga student. I was never flexible. I started with Ashtanga and really enjoyed the movement it had for my body. But when I go to festivals it’s all about meditation and stillness in the yoga. What about a little bit of movement in our asanas..I don’t feel I should be ‘forced’ to follow rules I don’t want for my body. I just want choices when I go to festivals.”

[The Daily Freier learns something new every day. Apparently there’s also a yoga called Iyengar. Let’s take a look….]

Iyengar Students are also in protest… Allenby-area aspiring musician Sivan says, “We have enough ropes, cushions and chairs to support all students at all festivals. We just feel marginalized as a group.”

At a national level, Netanyahu has been accused of favouring Hatha Yoga and politicizing the situation for his own benefit. One of his ministers who can’t be named for legal reasons has been quoted “Ashtanga students are yogis who have lost their way. We must ensure that every yogi returns to the fold of true Yoga.”

The Knesset is due to debate whether it is safe for people to carry unlicensed yoga mats for fear of potential conflicts between rival groups of yoganauts.

Save

Barack Obama, Binyamin Netanyahu, Israellycool August 7, 2016March 20, 2019

The Karate Kid, Part IV: The Appeasement

[SCENE: A California Beach]

Pretty Girl: Hi! My name is Ally!

Young Man: Hi my name is Daniel. But my friends call me Barry. I’m from Hawaii.

Ally: That is so cool!

Daniel: Yes. Yes it is. Say, who is that large angry guy walking over?

Ally: OMG, that’s my ex, Johnny Khameini. He’s in that Karate Gang called Cobrazbullah Kai. I hate him.

Johnny: Hey Ally, whose this tool?

Ally: Johnny, stop!

Daniel: It’s OK, Ally. I can reason with him. Johnny, I understand you may have some legitimate grievances against me. I’ve come to your land and now I’m trying to impose my values on….

[Johnny beats the crap out of Daniel]

Daniel: To be perfectly frank, I deserved that.

——————————————————–

[SCENE: Outside a High School Dance. Daniel is running from a gang]

Johnny: I’m gonna kick your ass Daniel!

Daniel: I don’t think you’re being very productive with that kind of talk!

[Johnny and the Cobrazbullah Kai Gang jump Daniel. An old man who looks kinda Japanese but kinda Jewish appears and fights off the attackers]

Daniel: Thank you old man, but I was just about to convince those guys that there are better ways to work out their deep-seated yet legitimate grievances. By the way, what’s your name?

Old Man: I am Mr. Bibiyagi. And you must learn to stand up for yourself and stop being such a…..such a…… Freier.

Daniel: Quite frankly, that kind of popping off is just not helpful.

Mr. Bibiyagi: (Sighs) Here, let me teach you some moves.

[Shows Daniel ‘Wax on, Wax off’]

————————————————–

[Scene: Three Months Later. A Big Karate Tournament.]

Mr. Bibiyagi: Daniel-san, are you ready to spar with Johnny Khameini?

Daniel: Yeah…. about that. Listen, Mr. Bibiyagi. I appreciate your advice, even when, quite frankly, it was wrong. And I know that you think you know a lot about karate. But listen: I once lived in Indonesia for a year. So I know some things that you don’t necessarily know. Anyway, I came up with a better idea, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to spar with Johnny in the tournament. Here it comes right now.

[A forklift enters the arena and drops a pallet of $100 Bills in front of Johnny]

Daniel: Here’s the money, Johnny. 400 Million. So are we cool?

Johnny (laughing): Sure we are, Daniel. Sure we are…..Until next month that is.

Daniel: That sounds fair.

Mr. Bibiyagi: Oy gevalt. [Places head in hands.Walks away]

[Fade to Black]

(This article was first published over at Israellycool!)