Tag: Waze

Guest Writer Wednesday, Tel Aviv Living

Tourist Searching for “Best Hummus In Tel Aviv” Still Missing

Tel Avivi Daily Freier Hummus

(Photo Credits: Tel Avivi)

By Joshua Rodin

Last Updated 7/27/2016 at 8:20 AM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli Municipal and National Police have put out a National Alert for a missing American tourist, last seen 72 hours ago. According to the Police Report, the missing person’s name is Sarah [insert another initial here]. Sarah, described as 21 years old, brunette, 5’2″, was last seen by friends on her way to locate “The Best Hummus Spot in Tel Aviv”.

“Yeah, I have no idea where she could have gone.” said David R., a friend of Sarah’s and a fellow team member from one of Israel’s countless and easily forgettable MASA programs. “The last thing she said to me was that this really nice Israeli guy  told her about an amazing hummus spot in Tel Aviv (‘much better than all the others’) near the Carmel Market and that she was going to check it out…. And that was the last I heard of her.” David stared at the floor with a worried look on his face, “I mean she should have been back days ago, not to mention the fact that clearly the best Hummus place is Falafel Gabay on Dizengoff.”

Israeli Police who searched for Sarah since early Tuesday say that they have yet to find her but have identified several witnesses throughout the city who have claimed to have spoken to a woman who matches that description.

Yossi L., a long-time resident of Tel Aviv of 5 months claims to have spoken to Sarah that very day. “Yes, emmmmmm, I saw the American girl, she came up to me asking for directions. She was looking for the best hummus restaurant in Tel Aviv and it was supposed to be located the Carmel Market. I realized immediately she must have been lost and confused since the best hummus is on Pinsker Street and I quickly redirected her.” Yossi smiled and continued his story. “I mean Hummus HaCarmel is okay I guess but the real stuff is obviously Hummus Mashawsha.”

Tel Avivi Daily Freier Hummus 2

Police scoured Pinsker Street for clues but soon discovered that Sarah had already left the area. Another witness, Chaim T., seems to have spoken to Sarah as well, “Yes I saw her but she seemed very dazed and confused, looking for the best hummus on Pinsker Street when she should have been in Yafo at Abu Dhabi.” adding quickly with a broad smile, “Obviously I gave her directions … only 5 different buses with Moovit, not Waze!”

Israeli Police Spokesperson Adi F. remained confident when speaking with the press today, saying “This is not an unusual event, we lose track of 3-25 tourists every year and they usually turn up … eventually.” Adi quickly added, “She’s almost certainly located at Abu Hassan. Which is hands-down the best Hummus in Tel Aviv.”

UPDATE: Relieved residents learned this morning that Sarah is alive and well.  While wandering Yafo yesterday, Sarah suffered from heat exhaustion and alert bystanders rushed her to the nearest medical facility, Doctor Shakshuka.  She is still sipping Limonana and looking at the menu because “there are just so many choices“.

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Start Up Nation

Google launches new App: “Israeli Standard Time”
Google launches Hot New App: “Israeli Timing” Daily Freier
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/15/2016 at 3:00 PM

Herzliya Pituah: You are coming to a party half an hour late, because you don’t want to pay the cover charge/wait in line/because on Facebook it says that the party starts at 9….. and the door is simply locked and a brutal looking security guy is trying to explain that you arrived too early. Like “half an hour late early“???

Ok, lesson learned! But the next week you are invited to a house party, you show up an hour (fashionably!) late, and the host is on his way to the shower wrapped in a towel and looks at you as you as if you had just fallen down from the moon. Sound familiar? Google Israel decided to solve this Olim problem and launch a new application “Israeli Standard Time“.

The app will get access to your calendar, Facebook, and WhatsApp in order to adjust your perceptions of time and space to the “more flexible” Israeli reality-based local timing based on the Middle Eastern traditions of punctuality. Now you don’t need to worry if you should come to an event two or three hours late to be on time – the application tracks Facebook “check-ins” and selfies posted to Instagram to let you know when the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire and it’s about time to show up.

Having trouble setting up meetings with Israelis? Let Israeli Standard Time do the job for you. The app automatically changes ETA based on the historical tardiness of your phone contacts. Next time, when you are supposed to meet at 7 pm, and you are getting a message at 6.58 PM that “I’m running 5 minutes late”, you don’t need to figure out if you should leave your apartment or if you can read a few more posts on Secret Tel Aviv. Israeli Timing automatically adjusts the message to read “I’m running 30 minutes late”. Winning!

The Application can be linked into Moovit, Waze and GetTaxi to make sure you are always “on time” in the amazing Startup Nation.

BDS, Eurovision, Guest Writer Wednesday

Eurovision descends into farce after Israel Boycott and Ukraine beats Russia

Daily Freier Eurovision By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/18/2016 at 1:20 PM

Stockholm: Debates over the Boycott Israel movement raged across Europe today after millions of fans were left traumatized by the decision to ban all things Israeli in Saturday’s grand finale of Eurovision. The chaos began when outspoken Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallstrom, a strong supporter of the BDS movement aimed at economically crippling Israel, made a series of blunders that left hosts Sweden red-faced. Firstly, she moved the singing competition from the 16,000 all-seater Ericsson Globe arena in Stockholm – after discovering that the mother-in-law of the Ericsson CEO had once eaten a pomegranate on an Israeli kibbutz in 1954. “We were left with no choice. We really can’t be seen to support that level of aggressive Zionism.” Ms. Wallstrom stated defiantly, as the venue was changed to an old IKEA warehouse in the tiny northern village of Dooberguberfloozer. Coaches were then arranged to transport the 42 competing nations after the Israel-developed GPS app Waze had been blocked, sending the lost Azerbaijanis on a wild-goose chase around Denmark. Meanwhile, Israeli start-up GetTaxi, the world’s second largest Taxi app, was switched off, forcing the Spanish to hitchhike to a place they could not even say.

Eurovision is one of the few European cultural events that reinforces regional differences and continuously raises the prospect of a third World War. Amidst all the kitsch of cheesy dancing fairies and Viking heavy metal bands, this year’s show was once again mired in controversy. Greece was devastated after failing to make the final for the first time and immediately blamed German-imposed cuts. Neighboring Turkey was thrilled to have negotiated its inclusion in next year’s semi-finals, in exchange for building more Syrian refugee camps. Fights and beheadings broke out in this year’s semi-finals after a romantic ballad sung by ISIS boy band, the Caliphatties failed to melt judges’ hearts. Canada too was left ticked off by Australia’s inclusion in Eurovision for the second year running. Quebec-born diva Celine Dion, who won Eurovision for Switzerland in 1988, offered to sing but new Prime Minister/heart-throb, Justin ‘Donnie Osmond’ Trudeau vetoed her offer, sending a giant wave of relief across Canada.

Not since the official breakup of Abba in 1982 has Sweden been so widely vilified for allowing such a cultural disaster. From the moment the show went live on air, buzzing social media forums began to grind to a halt. Facebook, created by renowned Zionist/Nice-Jewish-Boy Mark Zuckerberg, went offline for the first time ever, pushing a frantic 1.6 billion account-holders across the planet into actually talking to each other. But with Microsoft’s operating system, the Intel processor, and the technology behind What’s App, Messenger, Viber and voicemail all pioneered and developed in Israel, mobile phones and laptops around the world all fell eerily silent. When it came to broadcasting the actual results, Eurovision’s voting system was hit by the sudden ban on Israel-inspired satellites, forcing judging panels to dig out dusty walkie talkies not used since the Cold War.

When the networks finally managed to broadcast the rest of the show, it appeared that bookies’ favorites Russia – which had threatened to turn off the gas and lights in Eastern Europe – had done predictably well. Also surprising was the Great Britain entry, sung by reality TV superstars Joe and Jake. The last time a British duo scored so well abroad, there was a pubic lice outbreak in London. Their upbeat song “You are not alone,” dedicated to former London Mayor Ken Livingstone, was nevertheless ridiculed in Germany. “Zay bloody will be soon if zay vote to leave ze EU next month, ha, ha!” Angela Merkel chuckled to reporters, as she faxed through the votes from Berlin.

Nervously awaiting the Eurovision results aboard Air Force Trump, the man formerly known as Donald, warned: “This is what happens when you have no real defensible borders, political or cultural.” The Republican rebel immediately called for the US-Mexico fence to be built six meters higher and promised a tax on burritos…..

(Note: Ukraine stole it from Russia and Australia. The UK did shit and the Israeli entry, which arrived late, held up by squabbles over the last kosher meal on El Al, finished about half way.)

Guest Writer Wednesday, Hamas

Hamas tunnellers disoriented after Rothschild Avenue breakthrough

Rothschild chair

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/20/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Hamas leadership was forced into a radical strategic rethink on Monday after a coordinated operation saw a Gaza-based squad emerge confused and bewildered from three underground tunnels in the centre of Tel Aviv.

The first of the 72-kilometre tunnels was revealed when three Hamas terrorists smashed through bedrock into the basement of Dizengoff Center. Buried amidst last season’s thongs from Victoria’s Secret, ripped denim shorts from Castro and a Kiddush cup stuffed with Sarah Netanyahu’s tax receipts, one of the baffled terror operatives did manage to crawl through hoards of Eyal Golan CDs and copies of Moshe Katsav’s autobiography. He then made the all-too-common mistake of taking the escalator up to the third floor and emerged immediately back in the basement where yawning security guards were waiting for him.

Police were quick to the scene of the second tunnel, which broke through the cycle lane on the always-busy Rothschild Boulevard. The Al-Jamal brothers from Gaza City were bowled over by three hoverboards, a skateboard, a triple buggy, a unicycle, a dog walker with 15 breeds on one leash and two elderly ladies headed for the opera at Habima. The Al-Jamals are being treated for PTSD and mild head injuries at Ichilov hospital.

And as Tel Aviv continued with its late Spring  bustle, a gaping concrete hole appeared underneath local fraudsters Goldman Bank De Binary. With the Waze GPS app pressed to his ear, a bandana-wearing Musharraf Al-Hussein appeared with a pack of worn-down toothpicks as packs of Olim went straight for his pockets, forcing him to buy shares in global corporate stalwart McCoca-Packard.

Local Tel Aviv police spokesperson Avram W. added: “It appears Al Hussein has applied for a commission-only job in Binary while the Dizengoff tunnellers were excited to have been given minimum wage positions as Customer Liaison Officers by Cofix.”

The security breach was reliably reported by the BBC as “Israel illegally detains Palestinian archaeologists”.

A Hamas spokesman added: “Their missions were merely fact-finding intelligence missions. They remain on the payroll and we hope to see them return in time for the gold fountains we are naming after them.”

Mossad, Start Up Nation, Waze

Mossad: We Sabotaged Iran’s Missile Guidance Systems by Giving them Waze

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/6/2016 at 3:50 PM

Herzliya Pituach- World leaders woke up this morning to the shocking revelation that Israel’s famed Secret Service had crippled Iran’s guided missile program by  giving the Iranians the popular and sometimes also accurate navigation App “Waze”.  Waze, an Israeli start-up success story that in 2013 was sold to Google for $1 Billion, was secretly uploaded into the Iranian missile guidance database through an unknown Third Party working in coordination with the Mossad.  The Daily Freier was able to speak to a shadowy guy named “Tzvi” outside Google’s Herzliya campus.

“This was a difficult assignment. We wanted a program that would spoof the Iranian missile software into calculating the supposedly shortest route, but in reality it sends the projectile on a boondoggle.  So I talked to a friend, who talked to a friend, who copied Waze onto their server.  Now the navigation system directs the missiles aimed at Tel Aviv to first swing by a Tim Horton’s Doughnut Shop just north of Saskatoon.”

Iran reacted in undisguised panic this morning at the revelation.  A Revolutionary Guard Corps Spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the chaos. “This is worse than Stuxnet.  We’ve lost at least six months.  To add insult to injury, we just found out that our Al Quds Force homepage works off of Wix.”

For its part, Waze strongly denied any part in the current crisis. “I must stress that Waze is a useful community-based application that seeks to improve the common good regardless of politics.” explained Waze spokesperson Arielle C. “I got to get back to work. Please excuse me while I direct an IDF patrol to take a shortcut through Nablus.”

 

 

 

 

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