Month: September 2016

“Tal, do you love me?” “I’m Sorry, what was the question?”

“Tal, do you love me?” “I’m Sorry, what was the question?” Daily Freier Tel Aviv

(photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/11/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: A million years removed from The Shtetl and Fiddler on the Roof, a survey this week underlined the relationship issues facing many Tel Avivians in the modern Internet Age: An inability to sustain relationships and concentrate on one person at a time as the nation faces an increasingly worrying marriage and demographic crisis.

The Government’s survey of 21-45 year-olds showed 83% of all respondents from Ramat Aviv to Bat Yam reported issues of commitment with many asking the lovely non-judgmental question of “Why are you still single?” on the first date. This was widely considered the death knell for a second date at Cofix.

I thought it was a pretty legitimate question.” noted Adina, 21. “I mean he WAS 24. And he’s been back from India for almost a year now.

Anat (40, Givatayim, Pisces) has been one-too-many times on the receiving end of  the ever-charming “Why haven’t you had kids yet?“.  So last week while on a second date with a serious Sephardi named Itzhik (35, Petach Tivkvah, Bored) she just snapped. “So he asked me why I don’t have kids yet… And I told him that I wasn’t allowed to keep the ones I found loitering outside the AM:PM Store. Apparently he didn’t appreciate the joke…. But at least I was polite. When my cousin Gal’s boyfriend asked her about having children, she told him that she quite liked the way her ‘downstairs’ looked and certainly didn’t want a damn extension.

But it gets worse. When 24-year old Tali (Neve Tzedek, Aries, Broke) begged to know why 29-year old Liran (His Parents’ House in Ramat Gan) was not in a serious relationship, she was not impressed with his reply that while he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, he only just now realized that Pokemon wasn’t real.

The Internet, which has given birth to a raft of dating apps from Tinder to Grindr, is Cupid’s favorite arrow in Tel Aviv. Yet things seem much better in Jerusalem where couples as young as 36 were celebrating their first child’s Wedding Bar Mitzvah. Maybe it is time for the return of the Matchmaker.

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Following success of Tel Aviv Discount Pharmacy, Experts shocked that country full of Jews enjoys paying lower prices for stuff

 

Tel Aviv Good Pharm Jews Low Prices Daily Freier

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/10/2016 at 2:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: With the continued success of Tel Aviv’s new Discount Pharmacy “Good Pharm“, experts are shaking their heads at a shocking phenomena: that a city and country with lots and lots of Jews in it would be attracted by the opportunity to pay lower prices for goods and services.

I didn’t see this coming. Not in a million years.” explained Hebrew University Economics Professor Yair G. “I just kind of thought that the Israeli public would be a bit more hesitant to go to a store just because the exact same items cost less there.

Gila C., from Israel’s Ministry of Finance, was equally dumbfounded. “The actions of the public, they just don’t make sense. According to our charts, the public would want to spend a bit of extra money supporting Superpharm’s business model of charging higher prices for common household items.” Gila took a long sip from her coffee and stared out of her office window into the distance.  “I know this sounds crazy, but it’s almost as if opening up the economy to competition actually lowers prices and benefits the public.

Tel Aviv residents could not hide their excitement about the new store. The Daily Freier spoke with Alert Local Ronit S. as she exited the store with several bags of items. “This place is amazing! I live in the Old North, so it isn’t always convenient to shop here. But when I read about it on Secret Tel Aviv, I had to check it out. Anyway, I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, and it’s not really going anywhere. But he lives just one block over from Good Pharm, so I just don’t want to end things until I figure stuff out. Or until, you know, Good Pharm opens something up near the Namal.”

Superpharm, for its part, is not taking the new competition lying down.  Starting next week, it will launch a new campaign to lure back customers by raising prices on select items.

 

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Tel Aviv Startup Launches ‘Al-Qaedate”: a dating App for the Lonely Jihadists of the Sinai

New Dating App for Lonely ISIS men of the SInai Daily Freier

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/8/2016 at 3:20 PM

Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.

The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”

Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app.  She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.

Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment.  I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”

Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business.  But then they reminded us about FOREX.

 

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New Moishe House is for the Celiac, Vegan, and Lactose Intolerant Only

New Moishe House is for the Celiac, Vegan, and Lactose Intolerant Only Daily freier

By Mia Deych and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 11:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: Moishe House has internalized a series of unjust attacks constructive criticisms stemming from last week’s Crepe Event, where members of the community expressed their concerns with crepes made from…. like, you know….. eggs, milk, and flour.

American Olah Jessica expressed her concerns. “I’m vegan, my best friend is lactose intolerant, and there seems to be a lot of people on Secret Tel Aviv with celiac. I would like to join a community which is inclusive to its members and considers that not everyone is the same. A community that makes each individual feel welcome and unfortunately that didn’t seem to be the case….. So, yeah. I’m kinda excited about the new Moishe House.

Moishe House Spokesperson Aviva S. admitted that nobody in Moishe House is really sure what celiac is [neither does WordPress Spellcheck!], but the Community has a lot to say on this topic.

The New House is located on Ha Rav Frenkel Street in South Tel Aviv. All of the materials in the Apartment have been checked for allergens and gluten, to include couches, kitchen utensils, mazgan, curtains, toilet paper, and the bowl of zucchini on the coffee table that have been there a while that nobody ever eats. Also, the walls are coated with a special paint that blocks the neighbors’ Wi-Fi to prevent radiation.

Everybody in the community appears to love the new Moishe House, with certain exceptions. Urban Farming Activist Sivan noted that nobody asked her for inputs to ensure the kitchen is Cruelty-Free. “I suspect that some of the forks were used at the Barbecue Party on Lag B’Omer last year.”

Also, the Daily Freier spoke with Alert Local Ronit, who was walking her two dogs outside and overheard the conversation. “A vegan, gluten-free, celiac-friendly menu? That sounds like space food for astronauts.

As the new Moishe House prepared its first event this Thursday Evening, Jessica seemed hopeful for the future. “I’m really glad Moishe House let our voices be heard…. I’m just afraid people are going to think we’re like High Maintenance or something.

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The Middle East decides to be more like The Donald

The Donald does the Middle East Daily Freier

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 7:00 AM

Jerusalem: Prospects for peace took a turn for the better this week as leaders in the Middle East tried to emulate the goofy logic of Donald ‘The Donald‘ Trump. Suddenly, longstanding enemies have decided to pay for each others’ infrastructure projects, boosting the chances of a less violent 2017.

The day after US presidential hopeful Donald Trump claimed that Mexico would pay for a long wall that HE wants to build, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu was inspired by such an act of generosity, making the Palestinians an offer they can’t refuse. He agreed to pay for the conversion of the maze of tunnels built by Hamas under Israel into affordable housing, offering small (your realtor called them “cozy”) 2.5 room flats with modern conveniences unknown in Israel such as an actual kitchen, a living room where people can sit, functioning air conditioning units and an IKEA shelving unit tailored for grenades. Tel Aviv residents have already begun to include the tunnels into their searches on Yad Shtayim.

Hamas’ northern buddies Hezbollah seemed to appreciate the gesture by Bibi, immediately offering to pay for a higher barbed wire fence separating Lebanon from Israel. Hezbollah leader, Hassan Nasrallah confirmed on their Al Manar Television Station: “We still remain opposed to The Zionist Entity’s right to be on any map but we wanted to make it a little more challenging for our pious and motivated fighters when they fire rockets over the barbed wire. So we set up a standing order to import the metal wire from all of Bar Refaeli’s bras.

The Egyptians called for a ceasefire between its army and the various terrorists wandering around Sinai, who were getting bored with shooting tin cans off the backs of camels. Cairo has built a second set of Pyramids – out of chickpeas – to offer 3 star accommodation to the violent jihadists. Tragically, thirty fighters died when one of the Pyramids collapsed Jenga-style after a local housewife took a handful to make hummus.

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Both Haredi Guys in Israel with Jobs arrive late for Work today after Shabbat train repairs Cancelled

 September 4, 2016 Both Haredi Guys in Israel with Jobs arrive Late for Work Today after Shabbat train repairs cancelled Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 9/4/2016 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor Central Train Station: The economy took a significant hit when the two Haredi men in Israel with full-time jobs were delayed in getting to work today because the Government chose to halt needed infrastructure  on several on Israel’s rail system on Shabbat following pressure from the Shas and United Torah Judaism Political Parties.  The Daily Freier walked (traffic was backed up!) down to Savidor to speak with both affected Haredi commuters, Shmuel and Chaim.

This stinks.  My boss is going to kill me!” said Shmuel, from Bnai Barak, as he waited for the train to Herzliya to get to his job as an accountant. “But it’s important to get to work so I can pay my taxes! Just like everyone else!” When the Daily Freier explained to Shmuel that his political parties were responsible for the Balagan, Shmuel argued that the crisis was equally due to the fact that Netanyahu and his Transportation Minister maintained a working relationship more appropriate to a “Gossip Girl” episode. “Not that I ever watched that show. Or, like, TV in general.” he quickly added.

Chaim, on his way from Beit Shemesh to his job in Ramat Aviv, was equally concerned. “My boss is going to dock my pay one hour. But that’s OK. It just goes to show that we’re all in this together!”  As he sat on the platform waiting for the train that wasn’t arriving, Shmuel tried to stay positive. “This is really inconvenient, but Hey! Life goes on. I mean, it’s not like the movement of military personnel was delayed by this or anything. Wait, cancel that thought.

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