Category: Tel Aviv Living

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Tel Aviv Living

Since we’re trapped in this bomb shelter, let’s talk about my Vegan Lifestyle for a half hour!
(photo credit: the Roxy Cruz Foundation)

Wow, that last missile was CLOSE! It’s a good thing this public shelter was nearby. The facility manager just shut that giant steel door and he thinks the barrage of missiles is not going to stop for a long time. So I guess we’re stuck in here!

Which is great because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the incredible changes in my life since I embraced the vegan lifestyle. Did you know that Tel Aviv is the world capital of vegan cuisine? I was in the Shuk yesterday and had this a-ma-zing “pulled pork” sandwich but get this…it was made of jackfruit! Wait, you don’t know what jackfruit it? So you can get it in the Asian markets here and it is really great because it takes on the texture and consistency of meat but at the same time it….

…But first I need to tell you about how much farmland we can save by ending our dependence on the beef industry and converting the grazing land into sustainable agriculture using traditional crop rotation and organic fertilizer derived from urban composting especially….

….Wait, there’s a video I’ve been meaning to show you. Have you ever actually SEEN how hot dogs are made? Because I have this YouTube clip and it is so DISGUSTING that you will NEVER eat them again. OK let’s open up my phone and… what? You don’t think I can get reception inside the walls of the shelter?  That’s why I carry around a small Wi-Fi repeater in my purse!  It lets me use the Internet ANYWHERE!  OK, so let’s cue up the video to the part where they take the intestines and turn them into….

Hey, where are you going? Stop trying to climb out of the shelter window, it’s not safe yet!

Aliyah, Tel Aviv Living

Disillusioned Olah Hadasha makes Yerida

By Aaron Pomerantz & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/22/2023 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv: Another chapter in Olim failing to acclimate to Israel has sadly just been written. Yulia the endangered seal came to our shores just weeks ago with high hopes. Yet she swam away yesterday, after an Aliyah process that those close to her describe as “difficult”.

Yulia began her journey with high hopes, with her own Instagram page dedicated to pictures of her “A-Ma-Zing” Israeli breakfast and cats that she befriended in Neve Tzedek. Yet almost immediately, things took a problematic turn. Her interactions with native Israelis proved difficult. At one point a local seal began pestering Yulia and lying about his military service, claiming he was “a Navy Seal“.

Trying to make sense of it all, The Daily Freier was able to reach out to some of Yulia’s friends. “This all happened so quickly. I just don’t understand.” lamented Yulia’s friend Jessica from Ulpan. “Is this because the French are coming next month?”

The Daily Freier also reached out to Yulia’s friend Zachary. “Yulia found a nice place on the beach and settled down. About an hour later, a realtor showed up and demanded 7,000 Shekels because he showed her the rocks.“

Yet there were many in the Community who reached out to Yulia and tried to “make it work” for her. The Daily Freier spoke with a Nefesh B’ Nefesh spokeswoman from their Jerusalem office named Bat Sheva or Elisheva or Just Sheva, and she described her efforts to find Yulia a nice beach on the Kinneret through their “Go North” program.  In addition, two young ladies from Chabad stopped by Yulia’s beach every Friday and gave her Challah and some candles. Also, when some guy on the Aliyah Support Group “Keep Olim in Israel” made fun of Yulia’s Hebrew, Liami threatened to kick his ass.

Finally, The Daily Freier reached out to some other sea creatures who left Israel with broken dreams, Ethan and Shoshanna Jellyfish. “This doesn’t have to be the end.” explained Shoshanna. “Maybe Yulia can come back for a MASA program in the Fall.” Shoshanna thought for a moment and continued. “I bet MASA has a program for sea creatures. They have a program for everything!“

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

Old School: Tel Aviv man doesn’t need Wolt job to be a Total Dick

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/22/2021 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ibn Gavriol: Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv residents “in the know” are facing a dramatic new reality: You don’t need to work for Wolt to be a total dick.* The city has re-discovered a Tel Aviv icon named Dan who is proving once again that being a total dick is a state of mind that should not depend on working for a company where the drivers appear to be encouraged to run over pedestrians on the sidewalk, block bike lanes, and ignore crosswalks.

You see, the Daily Freier first met Dan G. in 2015 when he refused to give in to the Knife Intifada and instead kept going about his business of being a jerk. Next, we caught up with Dan in 2019 when he proved that with an e-scooter, one did not actually need a car to park like a dick. But now Dan is taking a stand once again, insisting that he does not need to work for Wolt to maintain his credential as a total zayin. The Daily Freier caught up with Dan to hear his side of the story.

“You see that?” Dan asked, motioning to a Wolt driver jumping a curb and almost hitting a woman before blocking the sidewalk with his bike and walking into a restaurant to grab an order. “That’s amateur hour. Call me when you double park your car, walk into a supermarket, then cut the line claiming you were there before and just left for a moment.”

The Daily Freier asked Dan if he felt that the proliferation of Wolt drivers doing mildly sociopathic things was diluting his own personal brand of being a dick. “That’s a good question.” Dan mused as he stood in the bike lane forcing cyclists onto the sidewalk. “The Covid epidemic and the rise of takeout food allowed a lot of these guys the opportunity to get paid while making life difficult for others. But what’s going to happen after Corona?” Dan thought for a moment as his unleashed dog chased another dog. “They’re going to learn that their blue insulated delivery bag was just a crutch.”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, a Wolt deliveryman asked us to step off of the narrow sidewalk into the street so he could pass more easily. Dan stared at him for a moment in silent awe.

“OK, now I’m impressed.“

*But it helps.

Hamas, Tel Aviv Living

Nightmare: Someone just brought a Guitar to the Bomb Shelter
“Anyone like Wonderwall?”

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/15/2021 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, so this is going to be a LONG night. I mean, Hamas promised they would attack between Midnight and 2 AM, and in the past couple of days their on-time rate has been a lot better than most Israeli companies. But the shelter in the building is kind of nice. There are some kids playing. Someone brought their dog! Also, there’s the hot girl from the second floor. This isn’t too bad!

Huh, what’s this? Oh no. Oh no no no. That guy just showed up. With a guitar. Wait, is this the one who was expelled from Hebrew Union College after he failed guitar class?” HaShem help us.

I just told him that I refuse to sing along to Wonderwall. But those guitar chords he’s doing write now…. They sound familiar. Oh no. I think he’s trying to play Stairway to Heaven. Badly.

Maybe if I cause some sort of commotion, it will make him stop. Here, let me jostle the broken futon in the corner that someone abandoned here 20 years ago. Maybe that will end this cycle of violence.

Wait, I think he’s moved on to John Mayer. I hate you Guitar Man. I really Hate you. But no, it gets worse. Someone just requested the Chili Peppers.

That’s it, I’m going outside to take my chances with the missiles.

Tel Aviv Living

“We’ve lost everything.” Rains destroy Tel Aviv’s dry pee reserves

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/15/2021 at 12:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Atarim Square: Experts fear that yesterday’s winter rains have decimated Tel Aviv’s famed dry pee smell, setting back the city’s strategic reserves by up to 6 months.

“We’ve lost everything.” complained the guy at the kiosk in Atarim Square that sells hot dogs. “First it was Corona, and now this. We might not recover before the summer.“

“Months of hard work are gone forever. Lost in just a few hours.” lamented Yoni, a Wolt bicycle delivery guy who had stopped in one of Atarim Square’s passageways “for a break”. Yoni surveyed the newly clean-ish floors and started to cry. “This was all we had.”

News of Tel Aviv’s crisis quickly reached the highest reaches of Government, with President Rivlin urging a unified response to the crisis. “The parties need to come together quickly with a plan. Up to 20% of Israeli men have never peed in Atarim Square.* We are failing as a nation.”

UPDATE: Some good news emerged Friday morning as the NGO “Birthright Israel” promised to have future buses stop at Atarim Square, Allenby Street, and the Central Bus Station. (Editor’s Note: this is in fact NOT the most ridiculous Taglit/MASA idea that we have ever come across.)

* It’s actually much less than 20%.

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

Top Ten Reasons why Kerem House moved

Over the past year, the Daily Freier has grown very attached to our favorite Tel Aviv cult community organization. We even teased them a little in an article! So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news that Kerem House had moved a few blocks away. Anyhoo, we cyber-stalked various Kerem House Committee Members and asked them the reason why they decided to move. So Behold, here is our Research!

1) We received a message from HaShem.

2) The Police started to ask questions about our Crypto Currency.

3) We needed to break up with our vegetable guy at the Shuk.

4) Wanted to be closer to Bograshov when the French arrive in August.

5) It was a chance to score another free Mezuzah from Chabad on the Coast.

6) The guys from MidBurn built a tipi on our roof and refused to leave.

7) We explained this in our Newsletter. Wait, you don’t subscribe to our Newsletter? Here, give me your phone. OK, you’re signed up now.

8) The mold in our bathroom wanted to live closer to the beach.

9) We applied for a Nefesh B’Nefesh “Go North” grant.

10) You’re gonna have to attend our next weird-ass TED Talk to find out.

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

Top Ten Worst Kerem House Events

So there’s an exciting new Events Venue in Central Tel Aviv, and it is Off. The. Hook….. Clothing Swaps, Yoga, Modern Dance and also some events for men! They’re doing Shabbat, they did this weirdly awesome night full of Israeli Midburn enthusiasts. They’re doing Country Night. The Daily Freier may even host a meet-up there in the near future. (Stay Tuned!) But for every successful event, there have been some that were…. not so good. So without further ado, here is our Top Ten List of Worst Kerem House Ideas!

 

1.  Fyre Festival Tel Aviv

 

2. “Come wash our dishes!”

 

3. “Is it still good?” A tasting buffet of stuff that’s been in our freezer since Shavuot

 

4. Win a chance to talk to the cops at our next noise complaint!

 

5. Come dressed as your favorite angry rant from Secret Tel Aviv

 

6. “50 randoms we found on Allenby” speed-dating night

 

7. After everyone gets drunk, we’re Skyping your parents

 

8. Come trade your cash for our new Crypto Currency!

 

9. “Misrad HaPnim” theme party

 

10. “Return our Deposit Bottles” Field Trip

 

 

 

 

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

Daily Freier cured of Writer’s Block! Also, Shmuley Boteach’s Daughter just opened a Sex Shop in Tel Aviv

(Photo Credit: They have an Instagram Account!)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/28/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Montefiore: A beloved Tel Aviv literary institution is recovering nicely from a month-long bout of Writer’s Block. After weeks of not having goofy yet funny ideas pinging around our respective minds, the Staff of the Daily Freier are now firing on all cylinders. The creativity is happening! We’re busy type-type-typing away! Baruch HaShem!

Oh Yeah….. in completely unrelated news, Rabbi Shmuley’s daughter Chana just opened a Sex Shop in Tel Aviv. Not sure why we bothered to mention this, as it has nothing to do with our miraculous recovery from Writer’s Block, which we attribute to plenty of bikram yoga, a juice cleanse in the Negev, and the Keto Diet. But sure…. Chana, who is clearly carrying on the Boteach family tradition of keeping a low profile/avoiding sensationalism, just opened “Kosher Sex” on Montefiore Street. Plus, it doubles as a clothing boutique!

So the Boteachs are back on the scene! No doubt after they finished sitting Shiva for Rabbi Shmuley’s Bromance of Blessed Memory with T-Bone’s neighbor Senator Cory Booker. And let’s keep it real here. This is INCREDIBLE news for the Daily Freier, which has been really struggling to capture the Tel Aviv wackiness that once put us on the map. This might be better than the time that our female friends compared their ex-boyfriends to city bus lines. Or, you know, the time a guy went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to sell his porn collection.

The Daily Freier looks forward to the Kosher Sex shop providing the Daily Freier with material for years to come.

 

 

 

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living

“Now we can park like sociopaths without a car!” Tel Aviv celebrates the e-scooter & mobike

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/13/2019 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The city of Tel Aviv has a little more equality these days, and people are excited. You see, it used to be that in order to park like a total dick, you needed to be able to afford a car. No Longer! Today with the huge success of rental companies like Mobike, Bird, and Lime, parking like a sociopath is within everyone’s reach. The Daily Freier walked the streets of Tel Aviv to find out just how big a deal this is.

“I love the freedom that this gives me.” explained local dick Dan G. as he dropped his Lime on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. “I always thought making other people’s’ lives difficult with bad parking was just for the rich guys who could afford a car and a permit. But now, I can really make my mark on the city!”

“Not caring about how my actions affected other people used to be so difficult without a car.” noted Ron C. “But with my Bird, it’s so easy making life inconvenient for my fellow Tel Avivians. This is even better than matkot!”

“Annoying my neighbors used to be so hard.” reminisced North Tel Aviv resident Guy S. “But now, with my Bird, I can block paths to schools and create a public hazard on a budget! Only in Israel!”

Tune in next week when the Daily Freier visits the Rabbanut to learn the halakhic ramifications of parking your bike on the sidewalk.

 

 

 

Jerusalem, Tel Aviv Living

Jerusalem Syndrome victim rushed to Tel Aviv for emergency dose of pretentious self-involvement

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/29/2018 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem, Church of the Holy Sepulchre: A man was airlifted to Tel Aviv yesterday with only moments to spare after suffering from an acute attack of “Jerusalem Syndrome“. You see, Jerusalem tends to drive people nuts. And not just “OMG This is such an A-Ma-Zing party city! We can even drink beer in the Shuk!”  No, we’re talking “I believe I am a Central Character from a Major World Religion and I intend to dress the part. Footwear optional.”

So when a barefoot bearded man wearing a white robe started hanging around the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, authorities were immediately suspicious. And as he got more and more “in-character”, paramedics were on alert. Finally, as he began to quote the Book of Revelation, the man was ushered out the door to a waiting helicopter. Yair S., one of the paramedics on board, explained.

“We were going to rush him to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed Rail, but we needed to arrived some time that day, so we decided to airlift him instead. And by the time we got him to the chopper, he was quickly fading and we knew we only had moments to put him on the path to being a shallow and self-absorbed Tel Avivian. So as my partner placed a pair of stupid sunglasses on his face and a bluetooth in his ear, I braided his hair into a man-bun. By the time we reached Icholov, he was stabilized. Thankfully, his beard was just fine as-is.”

The Daily Freier was able to visit Icholov Hospital’s state-of-the-art “De-Jerusalemization Chamber“, where the man was currently under treatment. Dr. Chaim T. described the man’s progress. “So we have him on a steady diet of Cafe hafuch, freshly squeezed juice, and muesli from that place on Dizengoff. And I must say, he’s making great progress. Just an hour ago, he told me that he’s ‘an influencer’. With any luck, by next week he will be voting Meretz.” Doctor Chaim then peered into the chamber and jumped with excitement. “Good news! Good news! He just went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to get laid!”

UPDATE: As the story went to print, Icholov Hospital proudly announced that the man had moved to Florentin and now claims to be a graffiti artist. Also, he now blogs from a nearby vegan coffee shop and is collaborating on an app that helps you procure a medical marijuana prescription for your dog.