Category: Tel Aviv Living

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living February 20, 2017February 14, 2019

Tel Aviv bar under investigation for only having 12 owners

*Legal Disclaimer: The bar depicted in this photo has NOTHING to do with this story. But it may or may not be located in the new Shuk Rothschild/Allenby. And the author may or may not have enjoyed a good Alma Lager and a good Shapira Pale Ale for a total bill of just 30 Shekels. With tip. Just needed to share.

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/20/2017 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: The city’s night life and social scene are in turmoil today as news leaked out of a disturbing secret: that there’s a bar in Tel Aviv with less than 17 owners. Normally, going out in the city means that at any given time you are out at a bar there is a 10% chance that you are actually a part owner of the establishment. But there’s a new bar in town. With only 12 co-owners. And it’s got people talking. The Daily Freier spoke with members of Tel Aviv’s Office of Code Enforcement concerning their investigation.

“In this city, it’s all about enforcing standards.” explained Chief Code Enforcement Officer Smadar T. “I mean, just last year we had to move against your newspaper the Daily Freier when it ran a fake story about a guy selling his adult movie collection on Secret Tel Aviv after a guy in real life went and sold his “someone else’s” adult movie collection on Secret Tel Aviv……So when we found out that this bar had only 12 owners, we became concerned. Incidentally, we are also investigating a bar on Dizengoff without any stools and long tables outside and where the waitstaff act like they actually want to be there.”

Of course, the bar owners in question are quite unhappy about the investigation. the Daily Freier was able to find one of the 12 owners, ‘Alon’ (but his real name is ‘Ron’) to get his side of the story.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost the bar. I mean, it’s everything to me.” explained Alon. “Well, everything to me and the other 11 owners: my cool cousin Tomer, my idiot cousin Tomer, my vaad bayit, Yair, Benny my friend who only ate sunflower seeds for his first six months in the Army , Yoni, my neighbor’s dad, my dad’s neighbor, Yaniv, that guy who sat next to me in second grade, and Shuki.”

In its continued quest to investigate suspicious activity, the Code Enforcement Department also announced plans to investigate a professional dog walker in North Tel Aviv who walks only walks 9 dogs at a time, and a Tel Aviv startup that doesn’t have a ping-pong table on its roof.

Tel Aviv Living, U.S. Embassy in Israel December 17, 2016December 23, 2016

Tel Aviv now expects its citizens to behave as politely as they do while waiting in line for their U.S. Visa

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 12/17/2016 at 8:00 PM

Kikar Rabin: Iriyat Tel Aviv has decided to take on the difficult task of turning Israelis into law-abiding citizens. In order to achieve this valiant feat, a team from the Code Enforcement Department had to think outside the box to come up with a creative decision.

Hadas S., team lead on the project, shared her vision with The Daily Freier: “Every single Israeli has some real or imagined relatives in the United States and every single Israeli has thought of moving there at least once in their lifetime. Have you ever seen how tranquil and amenable Israelis are when they wait in a line to apply for American visas? That was the key!” Now, instead of giving tickets and fines, Tel Aviv Municipality will forward the names, addresses, and nicknames of scofflaws to The U.S. State Department, which agreed to place them on a Blacklist for 1 to 10 years depending on their deeds.

One of the first “victims” of the new law, Shlomi from Lod, who nearly hit two pedestrians as they crossed the street next to Habima Theatre, because “nobody stops at the zebra crossing there”, parked his car in the bike lane on Sheinkin Street, because “everybody parks there”, and met his cousin’s brother-in-law’s friend to discuss “some business”, won’t be able to apply for a U.S. visa within next two years. The Daily Freier was on the scene to hear Shlomi’s lament: “This is illegal! My aunt’s neighbours’ family live in Florida and my sister-in-law’s son lives in New York. Also, I have “some business” there”.

Shlomi is not the only indignant Israeli devastated by the new law. Doron, owner of a chain of laundromats, found out about it from the morning newspaper. “What do they expect from us? Watch for speed limits? Don’t litter? Or… pay taxes to Bituach Leumi?! I mean this is Israel, not America or something…” Doron silently reflected for a few seconds, turned the music up louder, and returned to reading his newspaper.

Walking Dead season finale to be filmed in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square because they don’t have to change a thing Daily Freier

Atarim Square, Tel Aviv Living December 5, 2016December 6, 2016

Walking Dead episode to be filmed in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square because they don’t have to change anything

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/5/2016 at 10:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Atarim: The city is kind of excited today as word spread that Blockbuster Television Hit “The Walking Dead” will film an episode in our very own Atarim Square because “we don’t need to change anything“. Atarim Square, which used to be named Namir Square after the Former Mayor until the place got so gross that the Mayor’s widow asked that his name be removed (really!), is a natural choice. Executive Assistant to the Producer Ryan P. explained.

“We wanted a locale that conveyed a total loss of hope. Like ‘The Road by Cormac McCarthy’ levels of bleak hopelessness. And then we found Atarim Square. Boom!” Yet despite the natural fit, there were a few early setbacks. “We had to bring a clean up crew in to tidy up a bit just to make it more realistic. It was that disgusting. I mean, the Walking Dead depicts an apocalyptic plague outbreak. But that place is just gross.“

Ryan continued to explain the process of setting up the shoot. “We were concerned that we would need special permits because I guess it’s a Palestinian Heritage Site or something, but fortunately, everything worked out. And if we want to shoot a second episode, we even have a right of return!”

In fact, Atarim Square’s location paid unexpected benefits for the production team, as Ryan explained to us. “We were even able to use some of the dancers at the Shomre-Shabbat strip club next door as extras for Negan’s harem.”

But even though things seemed to run smoothly, planning and choreographing a feature television show thousands of miles from home on short notice can be tough. Yet paradoxically, Atarim Square’s chaotic craptastickness somehow found a way to help. Lead Set Designer Melissa K. explained. “So at the last minute, the writers told us we needed to build a set for where Tara had hidden a decrepit boat in an abandoned shopping center. And we were freaking out. Like, in 2 hours, where are we going to finds a decrepit boat to put in an abandoned shopping center??? And then one of the techs told us that…hey…. did you see the decrepit boat lying around in the abandoned shopping center? Baruch HaShem.”
While Atarim Square’s unique funk helped some aspects of the production, other aspects suffered. In fact, paramedics needed to be called after actors playing Zombie Walkers passed out from the intense and overwhelming smell of dried pee and had to be revived with smelling salts.

After the paramedics left, some of the sound techs were unconvinced that the overwhelming stench was just pee, so they walked down to the nearest Lotto kiosk to place bets on exactly what the street liquid was made of.

The Daily Freier will keep its loyal readers apprised as to when the episode will air, and where we will have a viewing party.

No Daily Freier reporters were harmed in the taking of these photos.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living December 3, 2016February 24, 2019

Tired of being judged, Tel Aviv realtor now telling friends he’s a stripper

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/3/2016 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: Local real estate agent “Ron” is a little tired of the disrespect he receives from strangers, friends, and certain family members for his chosen vocation. Friends crossing the street when they see him. Dates getting up halfway through the sushi when he tells them what he does for a living. Certain cousins ‘forgetting’ to invite them to their wedding (looking at you, Meirav). So he has decided to take a stand. Ron is going to confront his detractors and say ‘Hey! Real estate agents are the engines of the…” Just kidding. He is going to lie his tuchus off. As of last Tuesday, Ron has begun telling his friends and family and neighbors that he quit his real estate job to pursue a career as a male stripper. Ron explained.

“So every day, my brother drops me off at Atarim Square on his way to work. And he thinks I am going to my ‘job’ as a stripper. But once he’s out of sight, I go to the parking lot, and change out of my leather chaps and cowboy hat and put on my realtor clothes. I know that I’m living a lie, but people have just started treating me so much nicer since I started doing this. I finally feel that I’m part of society. Am Yisrael Chai.”

In order to get all the facts, the Daily Freier decided to interview a few key personnel, starting with Ron’s Yenta Aunt, Nava. “I am so glad Ron quit his job as a realtor. Now stripper, that’s a step up. I mean, he needs to do a few more sit-ups and maybe actually try to bench his own weight, but nobody’s perfect.”

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Ron’s neighborhood juice guy on the corner, Naor, who shared his philosophy on this topic. “I’m actually proud of him. He needs to stay away from that Real Estate Agent Balagan. Listen…… yesterday at my shop somebody compared Tel Aviv realtors to Hamas. But there are differences. One of these groups has a worldview completely at odds with the Israeli public, makes outrageous demands, and seems to hate Israelis personally….. and the other one has some missiles and is based in Gaza.”

While Ron is still committed to the whole realtor thing, he has begun doing some research on what an actual male stripper would earn by checking Secret Tel Aviv, and he has to admit, switching professions is tempting.

As the Daily Freier ended the interview with Ron and got up to leave the coffee shop, he asked us for 6000 Shekels plus VAT “because I found this place and opened the door for you“.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living November 26, 2016November 26, 2016

New Israel Lotto game asks you to Guess the Street Liquid

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/26/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda: By popular demand, the Israeli Lottery Authority introduced a new game this week, entitled “Guess the Street Liquid“. Each Lotto kiosk now has a puddle of unknown origin on its sidewalk, with local citizens invited to try their luck guessing its contents. Despite the seemingly simple aspects of this game of chance, there are some rules. While Lotto encourages using one’s sense of sight and sense of smell, there is a strict “No Touching” rule. The Daily Freier hung out with the kiosk attendant “Dudu” for about a half hour and watched the citizens of Tel Aviv take a spin with Lady Luck.

First on the scene was Alert local Ronit S., who stopped by the kiosk on her way home from the Shuk and decided to try out this new game of chance. Ronit spent a full minute contemplating the puddle, carefully circling the puddle from right to left and then from left to right before making her guess and filling out the bubbles on the Lottery Card.

“So I think this is mazgan runoff. Mixed with mop water. And maybe a dash of pee.”

Next to stop by was Gideon.” Since we are only a few blocks from that arsey club on the corner of Ben Yehuda and Allenby, and seeing as they had a big promotion last night, I’m going with ‘Goldstar, vomit, and bad decisions’. OK, give me a bubble sheet to fill out.”

Finally, recent Oleh Zachary decided to place a wager. Zachary took a moment to smell the air around the puddle before placing his eyes at street level to make an expert analysis. “I gotta go with burnt peanut oil, because of the buffet over there.” noted Zachary as he gestured toward the nearby Chinese restaurant. “But there’s just too much funk from sunflower seed husks and body odor. So I gotta say that somebody also spilled that new cologne ‘Tahanah Merkazit’. OK so where do I collect my prize?”

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Fashion, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living October 25, 2016October 24, 2018

Tel Aviv is going crazy for new Perfume “Sherut Number 5”

(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/25/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: The city’s “Who’s Who” are just about losing their minds about the hot new perfume hitting the streets: “Sherut Number 5“, inspired by the smell of a Tel Aviv shared taxi. The Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz attended the product launch today by Dizengoff Square and spoke with the designers of this hot new product.

Lead designer Orit K. explained the origins of the perfume. “So last year, we launched ‘Tahanah Merkazit’, the cologne for men who want to smell like the Central Bus Station. And the reaction was great. But a lot of women in Tel Aviv were left asking ‘So when will there be a product that also lets US smell like cigarette smoke, B.O, and poor decisions?’ So here we are. Welcome to Israel.”

Product testing Team Leader Stav C. then interjected to explain how they created the specific ingredients for Sherut Number 5. “On Thursday nights, our teams would get on the Sherut at Rothschild and ride all the way to Ibn Gavriol. They took atmosphere samples as they picked up and dropped off passengers. We really wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the secretions, and the smells that make Sherut Number 5 so special“.

Orit cautioned us that the product was incredibly powerful and offered the testimony of local guy “Yoav”, who initially attended today’s product launch because he saw women and a table of free food. “I don’t know what happened, but when I smelled the perfume on the spokesmodels, all of my critical thinking skills went out the window. I felt as if I needed to hit on them no matter how ridiculous my game was or how inappropriate the timing. It was like…. like….. like I ran into a busload of girls on Birthright.”

Sherut Number 5 will be in stores early next week, and they offer shipping to Europe and North America for Chanukah.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living September 18, 2016August 26, 2018

“Park Wherever the Hell You Want” permits for 2017 now available for purchase at Israel Post

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/18/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: City residents are reminded that Permits to park wherever the hell they please are now available at all Israel Post locations. The permits, which render a vehicle immune from such mundane concepts as municipal ordinances and the laws of physics, allow the holder to park his or her car totally on the sidewalk, halfway between designated spots, or basically anywhere they think they can fit their vehicle on any given day. The Daily Freier walked down to the Post Office by Dizengoff and Nordau to see for ourselves and maybe even pick up a permit or two.

Israel Post Regional Manager Yossi P. greeted us and walked us through the permit concept. “This is a real moneymaker for Cities and Towns across Israel. Basically, since everyone just does whatever they want with their cars anyway, why not make a few Shekels for Schools and Youth Sports Clubs? The Post Office collects a 5% Commission so it is a real win-win. But as great as this program is, we strive to ensure that it does not take us away from our Core Competency of delivering the Mail efficiently and accurately.” Then he started laughing.

As we were speaking, Local celebrity Moti C. stopped by to ~~hit on~~ chat with the ladies who work at the Post Office after parking his truck diagonally onto the sidewalk by the bus stop. When the ladies told Moti that he may want to buy a permit today, he reminded them that he won a contest and was thus exempt from Parking Laws for a year.

Permits cost 250 Shekels for 6 months, or 400 Shekels for the year. While the sales campaign was considered a huge success, some city residents also offered suggestions and advice to improve the program. Alert Local Ronit S. asked Israel Post if maybe they could sell permits next year to exempt electric bicycles from stopping at red lights or for people in their way.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living September 17, 2016September 27, 2018

Hundreds compete to be named Tel Aviv’s Worst Bartender

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/17/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv: The city is abuzz this weekend with some exciting action: the competition to be named “Tel Aviv’s Next Top Shitty Bartender“. Tel Aviv Municipality’s Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained. “While it’s true that the Imperial Cocktail Bar was recognized as the Best in the Middle East, we felt that this discriminated against one of the Start-Up Nation’s Core Competencies: Indifferent or Slightly Hostile Customer Service.” Safir took the Daily Freier down to the competition site on Ben Yehuda Street to scope out the talent.

The Municipality had set up a mock bar where competitors were run through realistic scenarios to include:

“Customer just interrupted you while you were texting your boyfriend.“
“Customer wants ice.”
“Customer at all-you-can-drink event has the chutzpah to ask for another drink.”

While all of the competitors were amazing, some simply stood out for their awesome lack of a give-a-shit. The Daily Freier spoke with one of the stars, a guy named Avner, about the events so far.

“So these people kept annoying the hell out of me. Just really stressing me out. What do you call those idiots who hang around the bar asking for things when you’re trying to check Tinder or work on your Start-up?”

The Daily Freier helpfully added “Customers?”

“Yeah that’s it. Anyways, these ‘Customers‘ kept bothering me. I mean, it’s not like I work for tips or anything.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with Romi, who seemed a bit frustrated from one of the tougher scenarios: “Giving the customer change“.

“OK, this guy gave me 200 shekels for a 135 shekel bill.” explained Romi. “So the idiot kept waiting for me to give him some money back or something. Whatever. I just assumed that the rest was my tip. I mean, I’m kinda hot.”

After being tested for three hours, Sapir was ready to crown a guy named Yoav the winner. Unfortunately Yoav stepped out for a smoke break thirty minutes earlier and had not yet returned.

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Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living September 11, 2016September 30, 2016

“Tal, do you love me?” “I’m Sorry, what was the question?”

(photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/11/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: A million years removed from The Shtetl and Fiddler on the Roof, a survey this week underlined the relationship issues facing many Tel Avivians in the modern Internet Age: An inability to sustain relationships and concentrate on one person at a time as the nation faces an increasingly worrying marriage and demographic crisis.

The Government’s survey of 21-45 year-olds showed 83% of all respondents from Ramat Aviv to Bat Yam reported issues of commitment with many asking the lovely non-judgmental question of “Why are you still single?” on the first date. This was widely considered the death knell for a second date at Cofix.

“I thought it was a pretty legitimate question.” noted Adina, 21. “I mean he WAS 24. And he’s been back from India for almost a year now.”

Anat (40, Givatayim, Pisces) has been one-too-many times on the receiving end of the ever-charming “Why haven’t you had kids yet?“. So last week while on a second date with a serious Sephardi named Itzhik (35, Petach Tivkvah, Bored) she just snapped. “So he asked me why I don’t have kids yet… And I told him that I wasn’t allowed to keep the ones I found loitering outside the AM:PM Store. Apparently he didn’t appreciate the joke…. But at least I was polite. When my cousin Gal’s boyfriend asked her about having children, she told him that she quite liked the way her ‘downstairs’ looked and certainly didn’t want a damn extension.”

But it gets worse. When 24-year old Tali (Neve Tzedek, Aries, Broke) begged to know why 29-year old Liran (His Parents’ House in Ramat Gan) was not in a serious relationship, she was not impressed with his reply that while he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, he only just now realized that Pokemon wasn’t real.

The Internet, which has given birth to a raft of dating apps from Tinder to Grindr, is Cupid’s favorite arrow in Tel Aviv. Yet things seem much better in Jerusalem where couples as young as 36 were celebrating their first child’s ~~Wedding~~ Bar Mitzvah. Maybe it is time for the return of the Matchmaker.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living September 10, 2016September 25, 2016

Following success of Tel Aviv Discount Pharmacy, Experts shocked that country full of Jews enjoys paying lower prices for stuff

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/10/2016 at 2:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: With the continued success of Tel Aviv’s new Discount Pharmacy “Good Pharm“, experts are shaking their heads at a shocking phenomena: that a city and country with lots and lots of Jews in it would be attracted by the opportunity to pay lower prices for goods and services.

“I didn’t see this coming. Not in a million years.” explained Hebrew University Economics Professor Yair G. “I just kind of thought that the Israeli public would be a bit more hesitant to go to a store just because the exact same items cost less there.”

Gila C., from Israel’s Ministry of Finance, was equally dumbfounded. “The actions of the public, they just don’t make sense. According to our charts, the public would want to spend a bit of extra money supporting Superpharm’s business model of charging higher prices for common household items.” Gila took a long sip from her coffee and stared out of her office window into the distance. “I know this sounds crazy, but it’s almost as if opening up the economy to competition actually lowers prices and benefits the public.”

Tel Aviv residents could not hide their excitement about the new store. The Daily Freier spoke with Alert Local Ronit S. as she exited the store with several bags of items. “This place is amazing! I live in the Old North, so it isn’t always convenient to shop here. But when I read about it on Secret Tel Aviv, I had to check it out. Anyway, I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, and it’s not really going anywhere. But he lives just one block over from Good Pharm, so I just don’t want to end things until I figure stuff out. Or until, you know, Good Pharm opens something up near the Namal.”

Superpharm, for its part, is not taking the new competition lying down. Starting next week, it will launch a new campaign to lure back customers by raising prices on select items.

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(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.