Category: Tel Aviv Living

Judaism, Tel Aviv Living September 5, 2016September 25, 2016

New Moishe House is for the Celiac, Vegan, and Lactose Intolerant Only

By Mia Deych and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 11:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: Moishe House has internalized a series of ~~unjust attacks~~ constructive criticisms stemming from last week’s Crepe Event, where members of the community expressed their concerns with crepes made from…. like, you know….. eggs, milk, and flour.

American Olah Jessica expressed her concerns. “I’m vegan, my best friend is lactose intolerant, and there seems to be a lot of people on Secret Tel Aviv with celiac. I would like to join a community which is inclusive to its members and considers that not everyone is the same. A community that makes each individual feel welcome and unfortunately that didn’t seem to be the case….. So, yeah. I’m kinda excited about the new Moishe House.“

Moishe House Spokesperson Aviva S. admitted that nobody in Moishe House is really sure what celiac is [neither does WordPress Spellcheck!], but the Community has a lot to say on this topic.

The New House is located on Ha Rav Frenkel Street in South Tel Aviv. All of the materials in the Apartment have been checked for allergens and gluten, to include couches, kitchen utensils, mazgan, curtains, toilet paper, and the bowl of zucchini on the coffee table that have been there a while that nobody ever eats. Also, the walls are coated with a special paint that blocks the neighbors’ Wi-Fi to prevent radiation.

Everybody in the community appears to love the new Moishe House, with certain exceptions. Urban Farming Activist Sivan noted that nobody asked her for inputs to ensure the kitchen is Cruelty-Free. “I suspect that some of the forks were used at the Barbecue Party on Lag B’Omer last year.”

Also, the Daily Freier spoke with Alert Local Ronit, who was walking her two dogs outside and overheard the conversation. “A vegan, gluten-free, celiac-friendly menu? That sounds like space food for astronauts.“

As the new Moishe House prepared its first event this Thursday Evening, Jessica seemed hopeful for the future. “I’m really glad Moishe House let our voices be heard…. I’m just afraid people are going to think we’re like High Maintenance or something.”

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Tel Aviv Living August 27, 2016

The Daily Freier tries to attend Wine Wednesday

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living August 22, 2016September 30, 2016

Tel Aviv ice cream salesman becomes overnight millionaire

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 8/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Beach: Israel is celebrating another major start-up success as a local ice cream salesman was floated as an Initial Public Offering (IPO) on the Tel Aviv and New York Stock Exchanges.

To sun-worshipping residents of Tel Aviv, the familiar cries of “Arctic” up and down the city’s beaches are as familiar as a hug and a phone call from your Jewish mother. But this week, the appearance of the charming leathery-skinned Shlomo Cohen had an extra glow as it emerged he has been launched as “Arctic Ltd” on two of the world’s major stock exchanges.

Selling Magnums and Ice Lollies for NIS 15 apiece has seen the once-broke pensioner float on the New York Stock Exchange, with a share price of $43, and catapulted onto the Forbes List of Really Really Rich People, ahead of disappointed Israeli model/actress Bar Refaeli.

“I never felt bad about charging NIS15 for frozen crap on a stick, there is a market for it and when people’s brains are baking slowly, they will hand over their best friends if you ask.” said Shlomo. Tel Aviv’s Sunbathers were happy for Shlomo, if not exactly surprised. “It just highlights the entrepreneurial spirit of the country, and that fortune can hit you at any time here.” added local Amir Goldenberg, who plans to launch “WaterForYou” off the back of his scooter, to compete with the NIS 25 per bottle charged by some of the beach cafes.

Tel Aviv Stock Exchange Spokesperson, Tal A. explained “We are the Start-Up Nation, and this elderly gentleman has shown that you can be broke your whole life in Israel but it matters less how you live, but more where you finish.”

Cohen, 64 from Netanya, does not plan to retire but he does plan to buy a new vest from Castro and a sunhat from Carmel Market and may expand to cover the beaches of Herzliya. To the delight of the tiny straight minority population of Tel Aviv, Bar Refaeli has applied for a part time job with him.

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Judaism, Tel Aviv Living August 21, 2016August 2, 2018

Anti-Circumcision Guy at Shuk HaCarmel cuts 5% off the length of his daily protest event

(Photo Credit: The Facebook)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/21/2016 at 6:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Carmel Market: Word on the streets is that the guy who stands outside Shuk HaCarmel protesting circumcision holding a graphic sign while wearing pants with a fake bloodstain around the junk region…. yeah, that guy. Anyway, it appears that he has snipped utilized efficiencies to reduce between 5 and 7 percent from his daily time spent protesting the Covenant of Abraham in front of a bunch of Jews who no doubt are having serious second thoughts about their previously great idea to grab a nice shawarma before doing some grocery shopping in the Shuk. The Daily Freier took the time to speak with Anti-Circumcision Guy to get his incisive analysis on what is going down in the Foreskin Protection Protest Community.

“So it’s kind of hot and dusty here in the Summer.” explained Anti-Circumcision Guy.” And I figured, a shorter speech means that I don’t spend so much time in the hot summer sun. So yeah, when it comes to time spent protesting out here, I cut a little off the top. And you know what? I’m less sunburned now and even a bit less dehydrated. So I guess you could say there are even some medical benefits to this practice. With all the heat and dust here, the shorter length protest just seemed more sanitary.”

The Daily Freier asked the Notorious Anti-Circumcision Guy (or just “Notorious ACG“) if he ever had problems with members of the Community whom he encountered on the street. “Sure, some Counter-Protesters show up from time to time to yell at me, but they’re really just being dicks unhelpful and argumentative. I just try to ignore them and keep sharing my views.”

Despite his failure to change minds, Notorious ACG is not giving up. “I’ve been out here a long time. It’s a tradition. And it would be stupid to turn my back on this tradition just because some people recently started to disagree with it…… I’ve also found that a slightly shorter, neater speech is just more aesthetically pleasing to the public. Besides, Israeli women seem to prefer the protests better this way.”

At that moment, Alert local Ronit S. passed by and vigorously agreed with Anti-Circumcision Guy’s belief that a shorter protest was better, but clarified that “We really just want at least 5% off wherever we go“.

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Arts & Literature, Tel Aviv Living August 14, 2016March 13, 2017

Neve Tzedek Gallery Exhibits Pictures of People Taking Pictures of Cats in Neve Tzedek

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/14/2016 at 11:10 AM

Tel Aviv, Shabazi Street: Neve Tzedek’s latest Gallery is taking the Tel Aviv Art World by storm, and with good reason. The Krakonowsky Gallery on Shabazi Street has cleared all of its walls in order to exhibit nothing but photos of people taking photos of cats in Neve Tzedek. The Gallery’s Chief Docent Yair G. explained.

“What we are trying to do is capture the essence of place. And that place is Neve Tzedek. Which has a lot of tourists. And a lot of cats. Everything else kinda fell into place.”

The Daily Freier asked Yair how long the Krakonowsky Gallery has been open, and he explained that it opened six weeks ago. Yair, who hails from Ashkelon, then went on to explain the name of the Gallery. “We were looking for something that sounded sufficiently Old World, sufficiently Ashkenazic, and sufficiently Pretentious. And then, BAM! The name hit me. Inspiration is like that sometimes.”

The Daily Freier then took the time to follow the patrons throughout the Gallery to get a feel for their reactions. Film Graduate Student Naomi P. admired one photo of a Birthright participant taking a photo of a Calico cat as it wrestled with an empty bag of Bamba. “Amazing. She seems perfectly at ease with being in front of the camera. No fear of humans whatsoever….. The Birthright participant I mean.”

Local collector Arielle C. shared her enthusiasm on the exhibit. “Wow. Just wow. This is just superb. And now my obsession with artistic depictions of pop tarts just seems so…..so…… June 2016.”

The Krakonowsky Collection’s Exhibit will continue through September, at which point it will switch over to pictures of tourists trying to find their way out of Neve Tzedek.

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Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living August 3, 2016November 3, 2019

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date’s living room

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date's living room By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Street: A complex yet disturbing chain of events played out last night in Tel Aviv that culminated in a woman discovering that the “gross” couch that she threw away on Friday has somehow found a new home in the living room of her Tinder date. Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. found herself face to face with her former couch at the end of an evening spent getting drinks with local guy Eitan C. This morning Tamar described the chain of events to the Daily Freier.

“I threw it away because it’s disgusting. My old housemate Noa loved it, but apparently not enough to bring it with her when she moved out. I even waited 24 hours after she left before I got rid of that thing, just in case she came back for it. It was so gross that my Vaad Bayit wouldn’t even take it.”

Tamar expressed total disappointment with her date’s acquisition of the former couch. “This sucks. He seemed normal. I mean not ‘normal normal‘, but like ‘Tel Aviv normal‘: like he seems sane and I think he has a job and I’m kinda sure he’s straight. Actually, I’m sure he’s straight because that chair is a stylistic Hate Crime.”

When the evening led back to Eitan’s place “so he could make me a special coffee with cardamom that he learned how to make in Morocco“, Tamar experienced the horror of confronting her ex-furniture. “It was traumatic. He immediately lost 10 points. What’s worse is that he claimed he got it at an antique shop in Yafo. I mean…really? I just don’t get it. Why do these things always happen to me?”

While Tamar has been mum on the final outcome of yesterday’s evening, sources within her circle of girlfriends spoke with the Daily Freier under condition of anonymity and shared screenshots of Tamar’s texts from last night

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Tel Aviv Living July 27, 2016

Tourist Searching for “Best Hummus In Tel Aviv” Still Missing

(Photo Credits: Tel Avivi)

By Joshua Rodin

Last Updated 7/27/2016 at 8:20 AM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli Municipal and National Police have put out a National Alert for a missing American tourist, last seen 72 hours ago. According to the Police Report, the missing person’s name is Sarah [insert another initial here]. Sarah, described as 21 years old, brunette, 5’2″, was last seen by friends on her way to locate “The Best Hummus Spot in Tel Aviv”.

“Yeah, I have no idea where she could have gone.” said David R., a friend of Sarah’s and a fellow team member from one of Israel’s countless and easily forgettable MASA programs. “The last thing she said to me was that this really nice Israeli guy told her about an amazing hummus spot in Tel Aviv (‘much better than all the others’) near the Carmel Market and that she was going to check it out…. And that was the last I heard of her.” David stared at the floor with a worried look on his face, “I mean she should have been back days ago, not to mention the fact that clearly the best Hummus place is Falafel Gabay on Dizengoff.”

Israeli Police who searched for Sarah since early Tuesday say that they have yet to find her but have identified several witnesses throughout the city who have claimed to have spoken to a woman who matches that description.

Yossi L., a long-time resident of Tel Aviv of 5 months claims to have spoken to Sarah that very day. “Yes, emmmmmm, I saw the American girl, she came up to me asking for directions. She was looking for the best hummus restaurant in Tel Aviv and it was supposed to be located the Carmel Market. I realized immediately she must have been lost and confused since the best hummus is on Pinsker Street and I quickly redirected her.” Yossi smiled and continued his story. “I mean Hummus HaCarmel is okay I guess but the real stuff is obviously Hummus Mashawsha.”

Police scoured Pinsker Street for clues but soon discovered that Sarah had already left the area. Another witness, Chaim T., seems to have spoken to Sarah as well, “Yes I saw her but she seemed very dazed and confused, looking for the best hummus on Pinsker Street when she should have been in Yafo at Abu Dhabi.” adding quickly with a broad smile, “Obviously I gave her directions … only 5 different buses with Moovit, not Waze!”

Israeli Police Spokesperson Adi F. remained confident when speaking with the press today, saying “This is not an unusual event, we lose track of 3-25 tourists every year and they usually turn up … eventually.” Adi quickly added, “She’s almost certainly located at Abu Hassan. Which is hands-down the best Hummus in Tel Aviv.”

UPDATE: Relieved residents learned this morning that Sarah is alive and well. While wandering Yafo yesterday, Sarah suffered from heat exhaustion and alert bystanders rushed her to the nearest medical facility, Doctor Shakshuka. She is still sipping Limonana and looking at the menu because “there are just so many choices“.

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Dizengoff Center, Dogs, Tel Aviv Living July 23, 2016

Tel Aviv’s Dog Washery “Doggy Style” shocks people who haven’t seen Elephant Butt Slide at Dizengoff Center

(DISCLAIMER: This is Satire! Not real! We are sure there is a perfectly good reason that the dog washery is named “Doggy Style”. And if you are the owner, please contact us because we are like DYING to hear the story!)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/23/2016 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: A new 24-Hour Dog Washery named “Doggy Style” on Yirmiyahu is scandalizing those residents of Tel Aviv who have never seen the slide at Dizengoff Center that emanates from a giant plastic elephant’s digestive track. The Daily Freier was in the area anyway so the story kind of wrote itself.

“I just feel that naming a dog washery after a slang word for a sex act is just inappropriate.” noted Rafi C., who acknowledged that he rarely goes to Dizengoff Center and therefore has never seen the slide on the playground that exits a fake elephant’s butt.

“This is just too much for Tel Aviv” stated Yonatan P. , who admitted that not only has he not seen the Dizengoff Center Elephant Butt Slide, but that he missed the Haaretz Concert last March where a performance artist placed a flag in his butt and pelted the audience with oranges (This REALLY REALLY Happened)

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the name. I think it’s great!” stated alert local Ronit S., as she brought her basset hound into the facility for a bath. While washing her pup, named “Chris”, she added that she is currently working at a Start-Up that does worldwide job placement for Christian Outreach organizations called “Missionary Positions“.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living July 22, 2016January 15, 2021

Tel Aviv trademarks its “Dry Pee on the Sidewalk” scent

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/22/2016 at 5:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: The City of Tel Aviv just took deliberate steps to safeguard a critical aspect of its culture and “Brand” today: that smell of dried pee that permeates every sidewalk, especially Allenby Street. Early this morning Tel Aviv registered as a Trade-Mark the smell of dried urine on a hot and dusty sidewalk that makes Tel Aviv so special. Municipality Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. took the Daily Freier on a walking tour of Central Tel Aviv this morning as she explained the City’s endeavor.

“We had to act quickly” explained Safir. “We heard that Athens and Rome were trying to muscle us out of the industry. And ever since Greece sued other countries that made feta cheese (NOTE: This really happened), we knew that they meant business. Rome and Athens are fine I guess. But I’m sorry. It’s just not the same as smelling a Tel Aviv sidewalk on a hot summer afternoon.”

The Daily Freier asked Safir how Tel Aviv’s streets were different from other countries where the sidewalks smell like pee. “I can’t quite explain it., but not all sidewalks that smell like pee are the same. Some say it’s our Mediterranean diet. Some say it’s the coffee hafuch. Some say it’s the hummus. Some say its the chutzpah. All I can say is that if you have never experienced Tel Aviv in the Summer, you need to come smell the Excitement!“

As Safir walked us around, she stopped at one particularly bad-smelling alley between Allenby and Shuk HaCarmel and started looking at the sidewalk. “Wait….. there is a hint of sunflower seeds and bamba in the aroma here. I think I know the artist who created this!” Safir then turned toward a middle aged heavyset man reading a newspaper at a nearby taxi stand. “Shlomo! Was this you????” she asked in mock anger, at which point the man grinned sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

The City of Tel Aviv claims that it will begin marketing the scent at those kiosks that sell Dead Sea Products all over the world. They also plan on marketing automobile air fresheners that make your car smell like the Number 5 Sherut.

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Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living July 10, 2016July 10, 2016

Tel Aviv Woman walks out on date because he doesn’t like A-WA

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/10/2016 at 2:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: A potentially positive encounter ended badly last evening due to some unfortunately timed opinions about music. Local favorites A-WA blend traditional Yemeni tunes with Hip Hop. And like Everyone around here loves them. Well, everyone who wishes to not suffer the fate of one ill informed gentleman. Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. went on “the date from Hell” earlier this evening with “some idiot” who it turns out “didn’t even like A-WA“. The Daily Freier got on the Number 4, 104, or 204 Bus and rode south toward the scene of this ongoing crisis.

Tamar described how the events transpired. “So his name is Elan. We’re getting cocktails in this basement bar off of Rothschild and everything is fine. He has a job….well he shows up at a start-up most days. He seems straight…. well straight-ish. But whatever. And then I told him that I was like really really into A-WA these days. And he just kinda looked at me and said that they ‘didn’t do much for him‘…….Didn’t do much for him……What the hell? Well guess what? I decided that tonight I wasn’t going to ‘do much’ for him either.”

Tamar continued to describe this evening’s traumatic events. “I don’t know about seeing into the future or anything, but the moment he said he didn’t like A-WA, I had this premonition of sitting with him in a living room in Ra’anana 20 years in the future on an IKEA Couch while he drones on and on about “the Montreal Scene” or some other pretentious bullshit….. I really feel like I dodged a bullet tonight.”

Determined not to make the same mistake twice, Elan was last seen on the #5 Sherut listening to Habib Galbi on his Ipod and trying to sing along to the high notes.

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.