Category: The Donald
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
OK people, just in cased you’ve been living under a rock for the past 18 months….. there’s going to be a little bit of locker room talk here. Got it? Good. Let’s get started.
Long time ago. In the land of Shushan. Wait a second…. Hey Jared, is that really the name of the place? That just sounds silly….. OK, so that’s really no kidding the name? Got it. Great name, Shushan. Great, Great name.
So anyway, there was this king. Ahashveros. Great King. Amazing King. Let me tell you, I have a lot of respect for Ahashveros. And he’s a strong King. Not like some other leaders I could mention…. So anyways, when you’re famous, let’s just say that the ladies find you. Ask Billy Bush what I’m talking about. Long story short is that Ahashveros had this hot chick. Named Vashti. Nice face. Killer body. But you know what? Just a nasty woman. A real nasty woman. One day the King is having a party at Ahashveros Tower. And he wants Vashti to show up. Just to show his buddies what a dime piece he landed. But get this…. Vashti refuses to show up. Can you believe the nerve? So Ahashveros? Great King. Just the best. You think he’s going to let Vashti get away with that? No way. So that night, the King goes up to Vashti and says “You’re fired“. And then I guess Vashti went on all the daytime talk shows in Shushan and complained about Ahashveros.
But now the King needs to find the next Mrs. Ahashveros. So he has a great idea…. he holds a Beauty Contest. Remind you of anybody in particular? So anyway, the King gets to check out all of the talent in the Kingdom. Love this guy. So they have an evening dress competition, the talent competition, and the speech on world peace or being nice to animals or trees or whatever. Then they have the swimsuit competition and he spots this one lady named Esther. Now this woman was a Perfect 10. Just smoking. And let’s just say she didn’t waste a lot of fabric making her swimsuit, you catch my drift?
So the King chooses Esther. Now let me ask you something. Did they have Tic-Tacs back then? Anyways, yada, yada, yada, she becomes the Queen. Great Queen. Amazing Queen. The best Queen. Just the Best. And you know what? Esther is Jewish.
So everything is going great for a while. And Esther has a cousin named Mordecai. Great guy. Great great guy. But there’s also this guy named Haman who works in the Government. Now Haman is a bad hombre. Bad Bad Hombre. And he does what he wants in Government without telling the King. I think he worked in the 9th Circuit Court of Shushan. Or maybe the Kingdom’s Environmental Protection Agency. Or the State Department. Wait a second. Did they have CNN back then? Cuz if they did, that’s where Haman was working.
So Mordecai finds out that Haman wants to kill the Jews. And he tells Esther. And this makes Esther sad. Very very sad. So Esther tells the King. And the King thinks, who the hell does this guy Haman think he is? So the King has Haman hanged. And Esther is really grateful to the King. I mean, really really grateful. You following me?
So the Jews win against Haman. So much winning. They were winning so much that finally Queen Esther said “King Ahashveros! Enough winning! Your people are bored with winning!” But the King said “No way! We will never be bored with winning!”
So then they all had a big party. A very big party. Bigger than Chanukah. Yuge. And loud. Very very loud. With those little noisemakers that my grandkids bring back from synagogue. And they all dressed up. The guys dressed up like Kings and astronauts and soldiers and cowboys. And the women dressed up like sexy devils, sexy Cleopatra, sexy Pocohantas, sexy cops, sexy Yasmin from Alladin, and my favorite, sexy nurses. I love Purim. Pass me one of those 3 pointed cookies.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
(THIS STORY FIRST APPEARED IN THE TIMES OF ISRAEL IN 2016!)
Long time ago. Talking a real long time ago. In the Land of Israel. Boy wouldn’t it be great to buy into the real estate market back then? Wait a sec….so my son-in-law is telling me it was 2200 years ago. Jared Kushner. Smart guy. Very smart guy. I mean he married my daughter, am I right? So he’s telling me that Alexander the Great led a Greek army that came in, and everything was great for a while until it wasn’t. Sounds like Astoria in Queens, right? I’m kidding people. Greeks are great people. Great, great people. Anyway, the next king? Not so good. Antiochus. Bad hombre. Bad bad hombre. Starts telling the Jews what to do. How do you think that’s going to work out? My daughter Ivanka’s a Jew now and I can’t tell her anything! Again, kidding, people. I’ve got the best Jewish grandchildren.
So, Antiochus starts doing some strange stuff. Just real sick stuff. Like telling the Jews to go to the gymnasium and compete in sports totally naked. Just some real pervy Anthony Weiner-style stuff. You know that I had that guy figured out from the beginning? Let me tell you, Huma made the right choice. She can do much better. Much much better. Smart girl. And pretty. Long black hair. Tan. Terrific body. I mean you can tell she goes to the gym, not like some of the other fatties in the Democr…. Wait, I need to cool it a bit. Got me thinking about tic-tacs.
So Antiochus? Bad hombre. And sick. Just really sick. Tried to desecrate the Temple in Jerusalem. With pigs’ blood I hear. Just some real Podesta stuff. So how much is the Temple going for these days? Is it condo? Are there a lot of covenants written into the lease? Is it rent controlled? I gotta tell ya, Netanyahu? Super guy. Great guy. The best. But his economy? Let me ask you, how do you [CENSORED] up an economy in a country full of Jews? Am I right?
Back to the narrative. I tell the best historical narratives. Just the best. So there is this guy named Mattathias, and his sons were a bunch of tough guys. Called themselves the Maccabees. And they don’t like what Antiochus is doing. Real tough guys, these sons. I mean we’re talking Staten Island here. So they start fighting the Greeks. Wait, now my people are saying they’re Syrians. Guys, if you want me to go to my Intel briefs, can we at least get our stories straight?
So Mattathias’ top son. Judah Maccabee. Great general. Superb general. Just a fighter. He attacks the Greek Syrian elephants. Can I ask you something? What kind of an idiot puts elephants in the army? Not while I’m president, I assure you.
So the Jews win. So much winning. After a while the Jews said to the Maccabees: “Guys! Enough winning! We’re tired of winning!” And then they come back to the Temple, and the place is just a mess. A disaster. Sad. Just really sad. But you know what? They fix it up. And now they need to light that big candelabra thing. But get this: They only have enough oil for one day. You know what I say? Drill. Build a pipeline. Don’t listen to those environmental crazies. What the hell do they know? But anyway, the oil lasts a long time. Like eight days. Amazing oil. Just amazing. Terrific oil. The oil they had? The best. Just the best. Can we call it a miracle? I don’t know. I don’t make those rules. Pass me one of those delicious latke things.
(TRIGGER WARNING! This article will hurt your feelings.)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/6/2016 at 3:30 PM
Ben Gurion Airport, Israel: With the crushing news that in a nation of 300 Million people there is a chance that other people have different ideas than you, America’s progressive Jewish voices have been crying out. The Daily Freier sent its intrepid reporters to the finest Fair-Trade Food Co-Ops in Brooklyn to find out what the deal is.
“This isn’t fair! I just can’t believe how racist Florida, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin and Ohio are! ” complained Aviva C. as she sifted through gluten-free pretzels. When the Daily Freier noted that each of these states voted for Barack Obama just 4 years ago, she countered “Well maybe it’s like adult-onset racism?”
“That’s it. I’m moving to Israel.” complained Danielle B. “I refuse to live in a country that would let a bombastic womanizing demagogue hold public office.”
Others were more circumspect. “Like part of me wanted to stay and like Resist and stuff but I’m kinda scared.” explained Jesse T. as he set up chairs for tonight’s “#NotMyPresident” poetry slam benefit. “There’s just so much scary stuff. It’s almost as if we need an Amendment to the Constitution that would guarantee each citizen the right to self-defense or something.”
So with things heating up at home, and moving to Canada inexplicably not as easy as cancelling a gym membership, some in today’s Progressive Jewish Community are deciding to move to a country that they aren’t totally keen on but which is legally obligated to take in their tuchuses. So Nefesh B’Nefesh has been a bit busy, and triumphantly announced the arrival of the first plane in what is quickly being dubbed “The Trustafarian Aliyah”. Our intrepid reported Yuval managed to hitch a ride home on the flight, and boy does he have some stories to tell.
The flight almost did not take off after several Olim set off the metal detectors at JFK Airport because of all the safety pins they were wearing to show “that they were allies”. But the flight took off, and once they celiac/vegan/gluten issues with the meals got sorted out, the flight actually went quite smoothly.
But once everyone arrived at Ben Gurion, things really got good. As the newest Israelis worked their way through their in-processing, the lady from the Jewish Agency who prints ‘Teudat Zeut’ National ID Cards reported that her computer had crashed from trying to process all of the hyphenated names and “Native American Spirit Animals” that the Olim insisted be added to their Cards. Additionally, the demand that the ID Cards list preferred pronouns and peanut allergies bogged down the process for several hours. Meanwhile, as the American Olim were being in-processed, a flight of Olim from the Ukraine arrived. Ben K., an actor and artisan beekeeper took the time to explain to a Ukrainian named Sasha that he was also fleeing violence and oppression. Sasha stared at him for a minute without speaking and then wandered off.
The Daily Freier decided to let our newest Israelis get situated, then checked back with the group a few days later. The Madrichim (Counselors) assigned to the team admitted that it was slow-going, but that they had made some progress in explaining that the public bomb shelters and fortified rooms in each building could actually be referred to as “Safe Spaces”. Then we reunited with Jesse from the Food Co-Op, who vented some of his feelings. “So things are alright I guess. But like what’s with all the military stuff? I mean, all these guns everywhere left me feeling… triggered.”
Ulpan Hebrew language classes started yesterday as well. And Danielle from the Food Co-Op is totally not having it. “So what’s with the masculine and feminine nouns? I mean, would you like some hummus with your misogyny? Can’t we changed the Hebrew language?” (EDITOR’S NOTE: We wrote this as a joke…. then we read the Washington Post yesterday.) “And Don’t get me started on the Hebrew word for husband. This is NOT. OK.” When asked if she had a message for her new country, Danielle replied “I just want people here to know that I’m offended by everything.”
On the bright side, things are looking up for Haaretz.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 11/5/2016 at 4:30 PM
Washington: Three hundred million people stateside have been left scratching their heads as both Presidential candidates have dropped out of the U.S. election in as dramatic fashion as it started.
Like the genre of reality show that trumpeted the rise of the Donald, Republican Party leadership told him yesterday: “Donald you’re fired!” as it emerged that the pool of married women left untarnished by Donald for THEM to have affairs with was diminished. He was spotted clinging on to his toupee and golf clubs as he hurried away in a New York cab.
As the news filtered through to a glacial Hillary, she was photographed by the paparazzi, lying in an old pantsuit next to a rusty needle in the sukkah of her son-in-law, smoking a doobie and sucking the juice out of an etrog, insisting “I don’t got no fricking problem, I am gonna castrate the sumbitch.” The Daily Freier’s investigations are inconclusive if she was talking about Anthony Weiner or her husband. There was a knock on the door by men with white coats as Bill looked away, sheepishly at a glossy picture of Monica Lewinsky on the mantlepiece.
Diminished by an embarrassing Brexit, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth made the unusual foray into offering an opinion in the political arena, by bringing up the possibility of renewed British colonialism, saying: “One is happy to take back the United States on a temporary basis until sense and stability have returned, but we demand that they keep Spice Girl Mel B. Oh and Piers Morgan too.”
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 7:00 AM
Jerusalem: Prospects for peace took a turn for the better this week as leaders in the Middle East tried to emulate the goofy logic of Donald ‘The Donald‘ Trump. Suddenly, longstanding enemies have decided to pay for each others’ infrastructure projects, boosting the chances of a less violent 2017.
The day after US presidential hopeful Donald Trump claimed that Mexico would pay for a long wall that HE wants to build, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu was inspired by such an act of generosity, making the Palestinians an offer they can’t refuse. He agreed to pay for the conversion of the maze of tunnels built by Hamas under Israel into affordable housing, offering small (your realtor called them “cozy”) 2.5 room flats with modern conveniences unknown in Israel such as an actual kitchen, a living room where people can sit, functioning air conditioning units and an IKEA shelving unit tailored for grenades. Tel Aviv residents have already begun to include the tunnels into their searches on Yad Shtayim.
Hamas’ northern buddies Hezbollah seemed to appreciate the gesture by Bibi, immediately offering to pay for a higher barbed wire fence separating Lebanon from Israel. Hezbollah leader, Hassan Nasrallah confirmed on their Al Manar Television Station: “We still remain opposed to The Zionist Entity’s right to be on any map but we wanted to make it a little more challenging for our pious and motivated fighters when they fire rockets over the barbed wire. So we set up a standing order to import the metal wire from all of Bar Refaeli’s bras.”
The Egyptians called for a ceasefire between its army and the various terrorists wandering around Sinai, who were getting bored with shooting tin cans off the backs of camels. Cairo has built a second set of Pyramids – out of chickpeas – to offer 3 star accommodation to the violent jihadists. Tragically, thirty fighters died when one of the Pyramids collapsed Jenga-style after a local housewife took a handful to make hummus.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 7/20/2016 at 3:00 PM
Los Angeles: A multi-billion dollar lawsuit threatens to embroil the entertainment industry this week after it emerged that the latest characters from CPN (the Cartoon Political Network) – Bibi Be-Man, Boris “Brexit” Johnson and “The Donald” resemble iconic Disney and Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters, in both appearance and speech.
It is the first time cartoon characters are expected in court since Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and raises the real possibility that the famous white glove of Mickey Mouse may be forced to swear on a Bible in the witness-box.
Allegations focus on Be-Man, the nickname for Israeli PM Bibi, who was likened to the muscular blonde Master of the Universe cartoon from the 1980s. The revival has seen him increase his monthly barber’s bill (short, back and sides) from the $1,800 spent while at the UN in New York, to a whopping $20,000 (L’Oreal colour, shade 5) although this is still less than his formidable princess of power, Sarah She-Ra Netanyahu.
Speaking of the power of Greyskull(s), The Donald has been this week accused of plagiarizing cute cartoon bird Tweety Pie. “I tawt I saw an immigrant, I did, I did!!” he cried at the Republican National convention in Cleveland. It may have been his first wife, Czech Ivana or his Slovenian third wife, who this week was also accused of ripping off vast chunks of Michelle Obama’s first speech. Scandalous. When we know Michelle is the most effectual Top Cat, the indisputable leader of the gang…..of Democrats on their way out to see Officer Dibble.
Across the pond, fans of clueless and hapless pooch Scooby Doo were left wondering about the inspiration for Britain’s new Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson. At his first awkward date with politicians in Brussels since the Brexit, Boz leaped out his seat during talks on saving Greece to express “Zoinks, there are times like this when I would literally do anything for a Scooby snack….I’d even put the UK back in!” Angela Merkel, resembling a stockier Penelope Pitstop, shrieked “Hayulp, Hayulp” before Silvio Dastardly Berlusconi, Italy’s boomerang Prime Minister Emeritus, appeared behind her to smack her on the arse again.
The much-anticipated court case will follow the spate of recent personal injury/idiocy cases stemming from the Pokemon Go phenomenon, which saw people fall off bridges and sidewalks while looking for things that were purely imaginary. Bar Refaeli collapsed with exhaustion while looking for her tax receipts.
Wilmaaaaaaaaa….