Hezbollah, Home Economics, Top 10

Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

With today’s reality of hectic schedules and struggling to maintain a work/life balance, Safety in the Home is often neglected. Yet we at the Daily Freier actually know a guy who has somehow managed to stay safe despite the fact that he is a shut-in who weirdly insists that people are trying to kill him. So we reached out to our neighbor to the North (Did you know that the Daily Freier was once on Hezbollah Television? Neither did we!) for advice. Don’t let anyone tell you that Sheikh Nasrallah is not helpful, because he was very quick with his response to us, despite the fact that he insisted on communicating via Western Union Telegram. So here it is: Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips!

 

1) An Electric Coffee Maker should never greet you in the morning by saying “Heyoosh!”

2) Never trust a Beeper Salesman who offers you free Chasers of Tubi.

3) Your watch is ticking: OK. Your IPod Touch is ticking: Not OK.

4) Ibrahim Aqil probably shouldn’t have posted that meet-up on LinkedIn.

5) Just because an Electronics Company has low prices & good service doesn’t mean it’s not secretly Israeli.*

6) Remember when a Telemarketer was the worst kind of phone call that you could get? Good Times.

7) Wait, why did my Google Calendar just schedule a meeting next Tuesday afternoon with Soleimani?

8) “Imad Mugniyeh once hired us to detail his car.” is NOT a good reference on a Company’s website.

9) That guy who said Open Communication is the key to good relationships? Well he’s an idiot.

10) Careful! Some cultures respond aggressively when you fire missiles at them every day for 12 months.

 

 

* OK but this was really an honest mistake on their part. -The Daily Freier Editorial Staff

Hezbollah, Top 10

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador  to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over  Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.

Hamas, Jeremy Corbyn

Ismail Haniyeh: A Eulogy by Jeremy Corbyn

On Wednesday I awoke to the horrible news that the man I had once invited for Tea at the House of Commons was now dead, another victim of Zionist Aggression. My dear friend Ismail Haniyeh was killed in Tehran, and I am Literally Shattered. (Side Note: Whomever sent me the so called “meme” of Mr. Haniyeh being hit by a “Love missile going straight to the heart” like some middling 1980’s power ballad, let me reiterate: That Is Not Funny.)  When the pundits offered temporary “Band Aid” Solutions to the Crisis in Palestine, what my friend Ismail offered were Solutions. Solutions that were in fact rather Final.

Yet Ismail’s breadth of knowledge and expertise never ceased to amaze me. I will never forget the time I invited him to our Islington Gardening Allotment’s “Compost for Palestine” Gala. Mr. Haniyeh showed an interest in our gardens that left me quite chuffed. In fact, he wandered the garden intently studying the rocks and the trees. He said that if you listened closely, they would speak to you. Now this is a message of Environmental Stewardship that many in Government would be wise to emulate. Yet for some reason, Ismail seemed adamant that we never plant any gharqad trees, an eccentric behavior that I simply took in stride.

I will miss our outings to watch football together, especially when we cheered whichever team was playing Tottenham that day.  He even taught us a traditional Palestinian Football Chant entitled “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud.” It was quite catchy.

As much as I want to putter around the flat today and sulk, there is work to be done. Mr. Haniyeh would want us to be strong. He would also want us to send him money in increments smaller than 10,000 U.S. Dollars via those nice gentlemen at the Finsbury Park Mosque. Today I shall search for the proper wreath to send to Doha in honor of Mr. Haniyeh.

Goodbye Dear Friend.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Mossad, Top 10

Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Haniyeh’s Assassination

We here in Israel were just as Shocked (Shocked I tell you!) as you were when we learned of Ismail Haniyeh’s untimely passing this week. Yet before we could move on with our lives and attain Closure, we needed to get to the bottom of exactly what went wrong with Iran’s security and how they failed to prevent this tragedy. So we put on our Journalist hats and did some real shoe leather work that may or may not have entailed joining a Code Pink Zoom Virtual Shiva. The results were 100% Pure Journalism with a side of hummus. So behold: Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Ismail Haniyeh’s Assassination!

1. Our new Chief of Security came highly recommended by the U.S. Secret Service.

2. Busy binge-watching “Tehran”.

3. Still understaffed because we thought Ilhan Omar’s ‘brother’ and ‘husband’ were two different people.

4. Roger Waters smoked a joint on the patio and left the sliding door unlocked.

5. Sloped Roof

6. Haniyeh’s Bodyguard incapacitated by the smell from Jeremy Corbyn’s compost pile in the garden.

7. Medea Benjamin keeps sexting us.

8. Our Nightshift Zoom Meeting went late because Trita Parsi doesn’t know how to stop talking.

9. Should have been more suspicious of the Tubi bottles we found behind the shrubs.

10. Our interns from Jewish Voice for Peace were at a Shabbat Dinner on Wednesday night.

Jerusalem, Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Sneak Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Movie!

Stop the Presses! The Daily Freier has a sneak preview of Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new movie about her adventures in Jerusalem! That’s right, Sarah is shooting a movie in Jerusalem this week, and we have an exclusive look at some of the scenes! How did we do it, you ask? We waited nonchalantly at the bottom of Machane Yehuda while she exited a cab with 3 cats and accidentally dropped a page of the screenplay. This sort of thing happens to us more than you think. But don’t take our word for it, see for yourselves! Just remember you saw it here first!

Scene: Security Checkpoint at entrance to City Hall Plaza. Sarah is arguing with a police officer.

Sarah: Smadar, why are you going through my purse?

Smadar: I’m looking for something.

Sarah: Smadar, you’ve known me for years. I once got you into the good lounge at Ben Gurion. What are you talking about?

Smadar (grabs a small packet): Found it.

Sarah: But Smadar, that’s bird seed!!!

Smadar: Yes and yesterday when you were here, the pigeons in the plaza somehow arranged themselves to read “Bibi Sucks“.

Sarah (looks into the distance): Wow…ummm… that’s… that’s just crazy. It doesn’t even make any sense…

Smadar (throws packet in the trash): Yom Tov, Sarah.

Scene: Jaffa Gate. Two young women dressed in the style of religious modesty are sitting on a bench quietly chatting in North American accented English. Sarah approaches from the Citadel of David.

Sarah: Ladies, can I just tell you that I love your dresses? It’s so cool that you can be Tznius and look Amazing at the same time, right?

(The women stare blankly in confusion)

Sarah: I’m so glad you came to Jerusalem for a year of Sem. But I mean, it’s Thursday evening! Shouldn’t you be down at Crack Square looking for your future husbands???

(Sarah grabs the women by the hand and pulls them up.)

Sarah: Come on, let’s walk down there together. I was going to Mike’s Place anyway! But hold my flask for a minute while I put away this jar of labneh that I got from my friend Rania!

Young Woman (slightly frightened): Umm, we’re like Latter Day Saints from Idaho, and we’re at BYU Jerusalem serving our mission?

Sarah: OMG

Scene: Church of the Holy Sepulchre Rooftop, mid-morning. Sarah is sitting next to an Ethiopian Orthodox Priest. Two German tourists are taking photos of a crow as it persistently pecks at a discarded plastic tub of hummus.

Sarah: Which brings us back to the question of the historical Jesus, and how we can center him in a 1st Century fight for social justice against a corrupted priesthood in collusion with a despotic Roman Empire. I mean, you could only pay your tithe at the Temple with their coin, so it’s basically a Monopoly preying on the poor. But at the same time, we can’t forget John the Baptist. I mean you guys call him the precursor, right? But does he have a role independent of…

Priest: Sarah my friend, your knowledge of our shared history is vast. But is it impolite in your culture if I ask you to pass the joint now?

(Fade to Black)

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Al Jazeera

Lazy Al Jazeera Journalist Has Only One Hostage in His Attic

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12 June 2024 at 5:30 PM

Gaza: Al Jazeera journalist Firas H. is suffering some serious reputational damage in his hometown these days. You see, Firas is currently holding just one Israeli hostage in the crawlspace above his Khan Yunis living room, and his lack of motivation is causing his neighbors to talk.

“Just who does this guy think he is?” asked local greengrocer Mohamed K. “This shows poor character and possibly reflects badly on his upbringing.”

“This is just shameful.” chastised University student Fatima H. “I don’t know this layabout, but we are distant cousins. My greatest fear is that his lack of ambition will negatively affect my marriage prospects. I mean, people talk around here.”

The Daily Freier tried to stop by the Al Jazeera office in Jerusalem, but then we remembered that Israel kicked their tuchuses (tuchi?) out of Israel last month. So we spoke to Firas’s manager Karim via Zoom from his Qatar office.

“I am sick of this fool.” lamented Karim as he smoked a cigarette. “Constantly giving me excuses for not holding more ‘Israelis’ in his attic. ‘The floor cannot hold the weight. Their crying would disturb my baby.’ This sort of nonsense.” Karim dragged on his cigarette and continued. “Now Abdallah Aljamal? That guy was a real go-getter! Three Hostages in his house! You want to get promoted? Be more like Abdallah!” Firas looked around the room for a minute and shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, without the whole ‘getting shot by Israelis when they break into your house’ thing, know what I’m saying?”

As the Daily Freier finished our phone call, Abdallah told us that he loved the architecture at the Kirya IDF Headquarters in Tel Aviv, and asked if we could take some photos of the Entry Control Point on Kaplan Street for him.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Top 10

Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Aid Pier is in Trouble
Pier Review

The Daily Freier is literally beside itself with the news that America’s Humanitarian Aid Pier in Gaza washed up on Ashdod Beach and is now playing Matkot while drinking arak with grapefruit juice. But how did it all come to this? How did such an amazingly Intelligent and Foolproof plan go so tragically… ummm… off course? Looking for answers, we spent the better part of the morning querying our friends in the 450 WhatsApp groups that we are trapped in. Then we walked around Dizengoff Center pestering strangers until we had enough data points to create this extensive list of Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Pier is in Trouble:

  1. Your Tugboat Driver is Ben Gvir.
  2. The U.S. Naval Attaché is on Secret Tel Aviv “asking for a friend” about tonight’s Tide Schedules.
  3. You catch Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet fooling around up by the Bow.
  4. A Realtor named Ronit just listed your Landing Craft on Ashdod Yad Shtayim as a “Beachfront Rental“.
  5. The Sailor On Watch is actually just a dude from Tel Aviv dressed like the Village People.
  6. The Landing Craft’s Coxswain is using Waze.
  7. The Conning Tower just became Ba’al T’shuva and turned off its Signal Beacons for Shabbat.
  8. You get a super long text from the Floating Barge where she says you “feel distant” and “drifting apart“.
  9. The IDF Liaison Officer says his Fax Machine ran out of paper.
  10. The Sailors are busy playing volleyball in nothing but jorts & dog tags while listening to Kenny Loggins.
  11. It’s all a big stunt to appease some crazy Jew-Haters in Dearborn but they hate America anyway.

 

Mossad, The Middle East (but not us), Top 10

Top Ten Signs You’re on the Wrong Helicopter

The Daily Freier joins our regional neighbors in sitting Shiva for Iran’s President Raisi, ז”ל. While stressing that Israel had like totally NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, here at the Daily Freier we try to take Life’s Lemons and make them into the really tasty mixed drink with mint and Arak that we used to drink in the Shuk. Wait, where were we? OK…. a teaching moment…. So without further ado, behold today’s Aeronautical Safety Brief from the Daily Freier, also know as “Top Ten Signs You’re on the Wrong Helicopter“.

1. The mechanic is lubricating the rotors with grease from his Chelo Kebab.

2. The Fuel Guy says he’s with the IRGC, but you catch him snacking on Bamba and Cafe Hafuch.

3. You’re stuck in a fog bank, but the navigator keeps sexting with Nick Fuentes.

4. The Avionics Technician got his Computer Science degree from Harvard.

5. The Check-In Lady at Tehran Airport calls you “Mami” and answers her cellphone by saying “Heyoosh!”

6. The pilot only got his job because he was Ilhan Omar’s brother and/or husband.

7. You tune your headset to the Ground Control Channel but it’s playing Macklemore.

8. The pilot announces “slight turbulence” and then he says that you’re about to meet Soleimani.

9. You’re losing altitude and the guy next to you is busy scribbling 72 women’s names on a piece of paper.

10. Just before take-off, The pilot announces that he has evidence of Hillary Clinton’s corruption.

 

 

The Jooz

Checkmate: Michael Moore says Protesters can’t be Anti-Semitic ‘because Palestinians are Semites’

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1 May 2024 at 4:45 PM

Atlanta: Yesterday noted filmmaker/pundit/author/dick Michael Moore stopped the Pro-Israel movement dead in its tracks with one brilliant quip. While discussing the ongoing Campus Illegal Occupation Protests on CNN, Moore told Kaitlan Collins that the Campus Protesters can’t possibly be Anti-Semitic because…. and you may want to sit down for this Verbal Judo Move…. the Palestinians are Semites. Yes that’s right, a term invented by 19th Century German politician Wilhelm Marr to specifically describe his pseudo-scientific hatred of Jews now applies to Palestinians. Because reasons. Advocates for Israel were quick to surrender to Mr. Moore’s highly original thesis.

“I cannot counter this brand new argument that I have never heard until today.” lamented a despondent David Lange. “I was going to try to argue that Bernard Lewis destroyed this concept in the 1970’s. But who are you going to believe, some nobody who taught Islamic History for 50 years at Princeton or the Artistic Genius who directed Sicko?”

“My Life’s work is meaningless.” noted a mournful Brian of London. “So many years of advocacy were destroyed today by this brilliant logical truism that…. and I can’t stress this point enough… was never advanced by anybody until Michael Moore did so today.”

Yet not everyone in the Pro-Israel Community was convinced. “OK that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in weeks.” chortled Canadian Metis activist Ryan Bellerose. “I wonder which one of his 9 houses that this Man of the People was staying in when he did the interview.“

In other news, Israel is under intense media scrutiny after published reports accused the IDF of forcing Hamas detainees to watch ‘Bowling for Columbine‘ and then write a short movie review.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Hamas, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons Hamas Wants to Leave Qatar
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!

1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.

2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.

3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.

4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.

5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.

6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.

7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.

8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.

9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.

10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.