Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats. His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?”
Tel Aviv: For those of you who don’t know the word on the street, there is a hip source of news for those times when Haaretz is acting just a bit too (!!Trigger Warning!!) Likud/Neocon/Naftali. And that news source has a name: +972. The Daily Freier checked out the scene by peeking into some select coffee shops along Sheinkin and Florentin to find out just what the hoopla is all about!
Tel Aviv (Surprise!):The scandalous performance at yesterday’s Haaretz Culture Conference during which an artist placed the flag in his tuchus while pelting attendees with orange rinds, shocked and offended those members of the audience and the public who had never, like, actually “read” Haaretz. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to console the traumatized, somehow find a way to work through the horror, and to monetize this story.
Other audience members were visibly angry. “This is an outrage! A shonda to the Goyim! How could he do this?” demanded Michael H., before letting slip that his exposure to Haaretz is limited to peaking at the Weekend Edition left on his Vad Bayit’s doorstep.
Interestingly, audience members who were accustomed to Haaretz were visibly less upset. “Still not as offensive as an Amira Hass article!” chuckled alert local Ronit S. as she sipped a cappuccino in the lobby.
After security escorted the artist from the stage and removed the flag from his posterior, a subsequent body cavity search further revealed 3 Shekels, 40 Agurot, some cheap sunglasses, and a Rav Kav.
Nueva York: En un enérgico comunicado, la organización no gubernamental progresista (la macro Ong de la izquierda judía israelí y americana) “New Israel Fund” (NIF) exigió la renuncia inmediata de los votantes israelíes por lo que describió como “sus continuos ataques contra la democracia“, ampliamente demostrables por sus actuales patrones de votación que han descrito como “aterradores y desconcertantes“. La portavoz del NIF, Naomi Paiss, amplió esta declaración en una conferencia de prensa en su sede de Nueva York a la que asistió ayer el Daily Freier.
“Tal vez las cosas son más evidentes desde Nueva York, Washington o Estocolmo, pero es que parece como si el público israelí fuera totalmente ignorante de su propio interés“. La Sra. Paiss declaró. “Quiero decir, ¿quién demonios son esos llamados “votantes” de todos maneras“, se preguntó la Sra Paiss. “Es casi como si no quisieran leer el Haaretz“. La Sra. Paiss continuó sobre las posibles repercusiones de ese comportamiento continuado de la opinión pública israelí. “Lo siento, pero tengo que romper mi silencio sobre este tema. Si esto sigue así, es posible que se tenga que sustituir a la opinión pública israelí“.
Al término de la conferencia de prensa, la Sra Paiss llevó a cabo una sesión de preguntas y respuestas con los medios de comunicación allí reunidos. Cuando Daily Freier le pidió a la Sra Paiss si por su definición de “valores contrarios a una democracia” quería decir “unos votos de esas personas que no les gustan“, hizo una pausa, nos miró como si hubiéramos dicho una obviedad, y respondió “¿Pero hay otra definición?“. Cuando el Daily Freier desafió la conclusión de la Sra Paiss, ella replicó, “Oh, no me mires así. Estás actuando como si indirectamente apoyáramos el linchamiento de árabes para la venta de sus tierras a judíos o algo así”.
New York: In a strongly worded statement, the Progressive NGO “New Israel Fund” (NIF) demanded the immediate resignation of the Israeli Voting Public for what it described as “continued attacks on Democracy” for exhibiting voting patterns described as “frightening and disconcerting”. NIF Spokesperson Naomi Paiss expanded on this statement at a Press Conference at their New York Headquarters attended by the Daily Freier earlier today.
At the conclusion of the Press Conference, Ms. Paiss conducted a question and answer session with the assembled media. When The Daily Freier asked Ms. Paiss if by her definition of “values contrary to a Democracy” she meant “voting for people or stuff that I don’t like“, she paused, looked at us like we just said that we really like Nickelback and replied “And there’s ANOTHER Definition????” When the Daily Freier challenged Ms. Paiss on this conclusion, she retorted, “Oh don’t look at me like that. You’re acting like we indirectly supported the lynching of Arabs for selling land to Jews or something.”
Ramat Aviv: Israel’s Animal Rights Community is up in arms over credible reports that a chimpanzee housed at Tel Aviv University’s Sackler Faculty of Medicine took its own life early today after a marathon session in which it was forced to read the newspaper Haaretz every day for three weeks straight. The chimp, known as “Dudi” was found in his cage at dawn, unresponsive, and attempts to revive him with coffee and a nice cinnamon pastry failed. The Daily Freier was on the scene as various Animal Rights Activists chained themselves to the Medical School’s gate.
“This is unacceptable and it has to stop. NOW.” exhorted an impassioned Tamir W. “To force a defenseless creature to read Haaretz cover to cover for three weeks. I mean, I don’t even do that, and I’m Lefty as hell.” Tamir continued. “If they had just let Dudi read the Weekend edition, maybe skip the editorial page during the week, that would have been OK. But to overdose him like this…….it’s just not right. No human could take this punishment. Well, no human outside of Sheinkin.”
Even some members of the Medical School’s student body left class early to stand in solidarity with the protesters. A tearful Smadar K. recalled her experiences with Dudi. “As part of my internship, I used to bring Dudi his snacks every day. When I first met him, he was so happy. But as he got further and further into the Haaretz experiment, he became plagued with self-doubt. It’s like he started to…..he started to blame himself for everything. Like when I showed up 2 hours late one day, he used sign language to apologize to me……but I was the one who was late. What the hell?”
University officials were unapologetic today, with Spokesperson Tamar C. speaking to assembled media. “Whatever. This is science. Anyway, next week the orangutans will start going online to read +972.”
Tel Aviv, Shapira: The Break Room in Haaretz’s South Tel Aviv Headquarters has become a microcosm for the Arab-Israeli Conflict, with its Day Shift and Night Shifts unable to come to a peaceful solution about who is allowed to Occupy utlilize their refrigerator. Things recently got so bad that a “Two Refrigerators for Two Shifts” policy was enacted by John, an outside mediator from Massachusetts brought in by the Editorial Board. The Daily Freier spoke to traumatized Haaretz intern Zoe D. about the ongoing tragedy.
THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:
Herzliya Pituach: Start-Up Nation has done it again, as Google unveiled the new “Israel Edition” of its famed Google Glass franchise. Google Israel spokesperson Dalit K. addressed an excited tech media at the company’s Herzliya campus.
“With our new Israel Edition of Google Glass, the absurd things that happen to a user here are received as images, broken down into data packages, reconfigured, and received by the user’s eyes as normal every day activity. But we want to test it, so we will now drive the Google Bus around Greater Tel Aviv giving the Israeli public a chance to experience “Google Israel Glasses” first hand.” The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along on this historic ride through Tel Aviv with the Google Bus.
“OMG these are Amazing!!!” shared recent Olah Rachel C. “So right now I’m driving into the Namal Port Shopping Outlet and a heavyset 50-year-old shirtless guy holding a clipboard is now directing traffic. So I am just going to stop, slip on my Google Israel glasses, wait for the man to wave me on, and keep driving! Problem solved! Thank you, random shirtless guy! And thank YOU, Google Glass- Israeli Edition! Hey…. can I borrow these for a few minutes? I need to go online and check Secret Tel Aviv!”
The Google Bus then stopped at Tel Aviv Savidor Central Train Station and spoke with commuter Yonatan S. while he debited his “Rav-Kav” transit pass at a kiosk. “So the money I load for the trains on my Rav-Kav can’t be used for buses in Tel Aviv….which can’t be used for buses in Jerusalem…which can’t be used for inter-city buses. Oh and you only have space for 8 different transportation companies. So I put on the glasses, and, <bang!> it was like, “Of COURSE it’s like that…. You know, I should’ve gotten these a long time ago.”
The Daily Freier was then able to render assistance to several confused Dutch tourists. “I do not understand. We traveled from Ben Gurion and got out at Savidor because everyone said it’s the Central Train Station. But it isn’t actually central to ANYTHING! What the hell?” cried a confused and exhausted Esmee G. At this point the Daily Freier handed Esmee a pair of Google-Israel Glasses and she calmed down immediately and rallied her friends. “OK guys, let’s walk to our hotel on Hayarkon Street. It’s only 2 miles. Thank you Google Israel Glass!”
Not everyone was impressed with the glasses. Alert local Ronit S. disdainfully tried on the glasses. “OK big deal. Whatever. Nothing’s changed. What a rip-off…..Hey, I gotta go. I need to get these documents to the Ministry of the Interior before they close at noon. And they only accept them by fax.”
Based on the early success of their “Israel Glasses”, Google plans a new version specifically for Haaretz subscribers called “The Amira” that make everything that one sees appear to be caused by “The Occupation” and basically all our fault.
The first copies of Google-Israel Glasses will be available at participating stores early next week, except for people who have gone on Birthright, who apparently for years have been issued them the moment they get off the plane.
Tel Aviv: Israelis in the street are reacting to Turkey’s shoot-down of a Russian jet over Syria with a sense of fear and confusion. But not because they had anything to do with it. Rather, the presence of a military and diplomatic showdown in the neighborhood where nobody mentions Israel is leading to cases of cognitive dissonance and vertigo as the Israeli man and woman on the street tries to wrap their collective heads around this concept. The Daily Freier walked up and down Dizengoff Street this morning interviewing aimless and befuddled Israelis on this critical topic.
“It just doesn’t make sense. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH US!” noted a perplexed Natan R. as he scratched his head. “I know it sounds crazy, but I bought Haaretz this morning hoping that the editorial would say it was actually all our fault.”
“I couldn’t sleep last night” explained a despondent Yonatan G. “I stayed up all night flipping through the foreign satellite channels hoping Al Jazeera or RU TV would have a good angle on why Israel is responsible. But nothing. And the Americans have been no help either. Is it too much to ask that John Kerry insinuates that this was somehow caused by the Occupation???”
“I’m actually optimistic.” noted alert local Ronit S. “I just know I can count on someone from our Ministry of Foreign Affairs to somehow interject themselves into this crisis in a way that antagonizes Turkey, Russia, or…. B’zrat Hashem….both!”
Tel Aviv, The Old North: A grassroots community effort is about to pay off, with 10,000 signatures gathered to date in an effort to name the Atarim Plaza as a Palestinian Heritage Site under the auspices of the United Nations Education, Scientific, Cultural Organization (UNESCO). Alert local Ronit S. explained her team’s efforts to date. “After the Palestinians tried and failed to name the Western Wall as theirs at UNESCO, we felt we needed to throw them a bone. Plus it’s like totally gross. So we canvassed the neighborhood around the Harbor and the beaches. Everyone seemed really enthusiastic, almost as if they wanted to just give the place away….. Except the kids who were skateboarding in the plaza…..And the guy we met who built his own shack in the basement of the old parking garage….Oh and the guys we saw walking out of the Pussycat Lounge. They seemed to like things just the way they are. I even saw my boyfriend walking out of the Lounge, but he said he was only there because he had to pee.”
Reaction across the Israeli political spectrum was mixed. Noted Haaretz columnist Gideon Levy was apprehensive. “I like the “Idea” of a Palestinian self-governing area, but you know, someplace else. Like in places I don’t want to go. You know, anywhere east of the Ayalon Highway. But this…. it is AWFULLY close to some of my favorite breakfast places. I just don’t know. It’s all so CLOSE.”
MK Aryeh Deri (Shas) appeared to have reservations as well, but indicated that his fears would be allayed if somebody gave him some money. MK Oren Hazan (Likud) also raised concerns. “If Atarim Square becomes Palestinian, does this mean people won’t be able to visit the Pussycat Lounge? .…Asking for a friend.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.