Tag: Hamas

Guest Writer Wednesday, Hamas

Hamas tunnellers disoriented after Rothschild Avenue breakthrough

Rothschild chair

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/20/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Hamas leadership was forced into a radical strategic rethink on Monday after a coordinated operation saw a Gaza-based squad emerge confused and bewildered from three underground tunnels in the centre of Tel Aviv.

The first of the 72-kilometre tunnels was revealed when three Hamas terrorists smashed through bedrock into the basement of Dizengoff Center. Buried amidst last season’s thongs from Victoria’s Secret, ripped denim shorts from Castro and a Kiddush cup stuffed with Sarah Netanyahu’s tax receipts, one of the baffled terror operatives did manage to crawl through hoards of Eyal Golan CDs and copies of Moshe Katsav’s autobiography. He then made the all-too-common mistake of taking the escalator up to the third floor and emerged immediately back in the basement where yawning security guards were waiting for him.

Police were quick to the scene of the second tunnel, which broke through the cycle lane on the always-busy Rothschild Boulevard. The Al-Jamal brothers from Gaza City were bowled over by three hoverboards, a skateboard, a triple buggy, a unicycle, a dog walker with 15 breeds on one leash and two elderly ladies headed for the opera at Habima. The Al-Jamals are being treated for PTSD and mild head injuries at Ichilov hospital.

And as Tel Aviv continued with its late Spring  bustle, a gaping concrete hole appeared underneath local fraudsters Goldman Bank De Binary. With the Waze GPS app pressed to his ear, a bandana-wearing Musharraf Al-Hussein appeared with a pack of worn-down toothpicks as packs of Olim went straight for his pockets, forcing him to buy shares in global corporate stalwart McCoca-Packard.

Local Tel Aviv police spokesperson Avram W. added: “It appears Al Hussein has applied for a commission-only job in Binary while the Dizengoff tunnellers were excited to have been given minimum wage positions as Customer Liaison Officers by Cofix.”

The security breach was reliably reported by the BBC as “Israel illegally detains Palestinian archaeologists”.

A Hamas spokesman added: “Their missions were merely fact-finding intelligence missions. They remain on the payroll and we hope to see them return in time for the gold fountains we are naming after them.”

BDS, Hamas, Roger Waters

Roger Waters in Stable Condition after Gaza Tunnel Collapse

“I was only down there for the acoustics!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/21/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza City: Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters is in serious but stable condition after getting caught in the collapse of a tunnel southeast of Gaza City earlier today. The Daily Freier was at the scene when a representative from the Palestinian Red Crescent briefed the assembled press. “It was approximately 3:00 PM when the Zionist Entity and its Egyptian lackeys triggered a cave-in of the tunnel, trapping 3 of our pious and motivated young tunnelers, as well as our bizarre but helpful friend Mister Roger Waters.”

When asked by MSNBC how rescue workers were able to find Mr. Waters, the spokesperson explained. “The tunnel was impassable to humans at this point, so we brought in Farfour the Mouse. He was able to find our friend by homing in on the intense scent of bitter self-righteousness that emanated from his body even when he was unconscious. Incidentally, this was exactly how we found Jimmy Carter after he accidentally wandered into the Sand Dunes last year during Ramadan.”

For his part, Roger Waters was insistent that he had done nothing wrong. “I know that the Zionists and their friends in the press will try to spin this in some negative light, but I was merely in the tunnel for its acoustics. You see, I’m recording a new single “Indigenous Olive Oil Can Flow Through Any Wall”, and I really needed just the right sound. But I think the vibrations from the snare drum may have set off a tremor and destroyed the tunnel.”

When the Daily Freier pointed out that since the tunnels go under the border, that he may have inadvertently stepped into Israel, he got really upset and his catheter fell out.

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BDS, Hanin Zoabi

Vancouver: We Booked Noa Because Hanin Zoabi Was Busy

Noa-Photo-screenshot-YouTube-Eurovision

(Photo Credit: Eurovision)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/15/2016 at 9:30 PM

Vancouver: The City’s Jewish Federation responded today to public outcry concerning their decision to invite controversial singer and Left Wing Activist Achinoam “Noa” Nini for their Israeli Independence Day festivities.  Ms. Nini, a talented Israeli singer/songwriter, is not shy about expressing her views on how much Israeli leaders and voters totally suck.  Yet while the situation has ruffled some feathers, the Federation stressed that the decision to book Noa was taken simply because Hanin Zoabi’s Spring schedule just could not accomodate a trip to Canada. Ms. Zoabi, a member of the Israeli Knesset when she is not sailing on boats with Hamas,  has been busy filming a pilot for BBC, running Israel’s version of “Scared Straight” for at-risk youth, and getting suspended from the Knesset for holding a moment of silence for people who stabbed Jews.  Ms Zoabi reacted with regret to the missed opportunity. “As much as I wanted to participate in Vancouver’s  Naqba Day Yom Ha’atzmaut festival, I just have too much going on.”

Vancouver Federation spokesperson David G. explained his organization’s stance. “When we saw Ms. Zoabi’s performance in Amsterdam for Kristallnacht, we were just blown away. Simply amazing how she commemorated a solemn memorial to the Holocaust by trashing Israel.  So we really hoped we could book her to do a Spoken Word Poetry Slam.  But unfortunately, she just had too much on her plate.  It is for this reason that we booked Ms. Nini, and we are sure she will do just as well!”

For her part, Noa plans a performance that will include (Spoiler Alert!)  some of her original works, plus some songs by Roger Waters.

Reaction from Israel’s political arena was swift, with Naftali Bennett declaring that since Noa is now recognized as a political expert, that he plans to release a hip-hop album. Yet at the same time, many of Noa’s fans are traveling from near and far to see her.  The Daily Freier spoke to longtime fan Dickie Silverstein. “I really want to come up from Seattle for the concert, so I went on my blog to solicit donations to pay for my bus ticket and a room at the Super 8. So far I’ve raised enough money to get to Bellingham. I can’t wait!”

While Yom Ha’atzmaut 2016 is still months away, planning is already underway for Vancouver’s 2017 event.  “I can’t stress enough just how long it takes to plan these events to perfection. It is for this reason that we have already set up a committee to plan next year’s event.”  When the Daily Freier asked David for specifics on what they could expect, he coyly stated “All I can say is: Cat Stevens, call your agent!”

 

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The New York Times

Exciting Contest From The New York Times! Find the Factual Statement in Today’s Diaa Hadid Column!

Screen-Shot-2015-09-16-at-4.14.27-PM-1

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 1/29/2016 at 9:30 PM

Manhattan: Readers of the New York Times are in for a unique treat as the Paper of Record has launched an exciting contest. From now through the end of February, New York Times Middle East Reporter Diaa Hadid places one factual statement in each of her stories and challenges you to find it!

New York Times’ Reader Advocate Margaret Sullivan explained the contest. “Think of this as a ‘Where’s Waldo?’ of the Middle East, except instead of looking for a goofy dork in a striped shirt, you’re looking for something Diaa said that wasn’t hearsay, rumor, cock and bull story, or fantasy!” Ms. Sullivan continued.  “This may stop us from having to provide disclaimers and editorial corrections to each of her stories…..Basically, it’s all about context. If we change the narrative from trying to spot the falsehoods in Diaa’s work to trying to find the real stuff, then that is a real win-win across the board.”

Intrepid Times readers who find the factual statement in a given article are entitled to their choice of an NPR totebag, a CD of James Taylor and Carole King live in concert from Tanglewood, or a $20 gift certificate to Zabars.

Word of the contest has spread quickly, with dedicated readers springing into action. David F. Of Monterey, California shared his excitement about the competition. “This is amazing! I was reading Diaa’s article about the ‘siege’ of Gaza and I kept scouring for the part that wasn’t made up. So I checked and checked. No reference to Egypt also maintaining a blockade. No reference to Egypt building a moat filled with sewage. No reference to the United Nations trucks entering every day from Israel. No reference to imported cement ending up being used to build Hamas attack tunnels leading to Israel. No reference to the new mall they built. And then, Bam! I found it! She wrote ‘Gaza, which lies along the Mediterranean Sea…..’ Now where do I collect my prize?”

Diaa, who used to write for noted “middle of the road” publication Electronic Intifada, seemed to take the whole thing in stride. “After my story about the reported expulsion of Palestinians from the Old City where I forgot to, like, you know, interview any Israelis, I’ve been taking a bit of heat from the Jooz  media watchdogs. But I don’t get it. Like what’s with the surprise? It’s not like I’ve kept my biases on the DL.  Anyways, this contest seems like a good way to move past that. Besides, I’ve got a lot on my plate. Next week I have a 1,000 word piece about the Nicole Brown/Ron Goldman murders that I’m going to write based strictly on my interview with OJ Simpson!”

 

Atarim Square, Judaism

Shabbat-Compliant Strip Club in Atarim Square Gets Mixed Reviews

ClubBy Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/27/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Atarim Square- The brand new Shabbes-compliant Strip Club in Atarim has opened to decidedly mixed reviews, with some clients of the club’s old set-up complaining of the changes while others appreciating the new atmosphere. The Daily Freier decided to check for ourselves what all the fuss is about.

“The mechitza really detracts from the experience.” groused longtime patron Yoel F. “And why are the dancers all wearing denim skirts over black tights?”

Despite Yoel’s misgivings, fellow patron Danny K. was enthusiastic. “The John Legend Klezmer re-mix tracks really grow on you after a while.” he noted as he finished a Reuben sandwich. “…. But why do they keep letting the schnorrers into the club?”

Club manager Ron M. described some of the challenges of the club’s transition. “When they come to inspect, the guys from the Rabbinut tend to hang around a really, really, really long time. And who gets inspected every Tuesday at 6????”

While Ron is concerned with the frequent inspections, he feels business will definitely pick up soon. “Hamas is about to to drop a whole bunch of cards with our phone number and website onto the streets of Tel Aviv….Besides……it’s not like we’re going to make Atarim Square any worse.”

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Hamas, Times of Israel

In wacky mix-up, Qatar sends Hamas paycheck to Martin Indyk and Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas!

Miriam Alster:Flash90:File)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/7/2016 at 5:30 PM

Washington: Hijinks ensued today when the Qatari Treasury accidentally sent Martin Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Mashal’s paycheck to Mr. Indyk. However, despite the potential compromise of funds, the entire situation managed to sort itself out after a few hours and several phone calls.

READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE TODAY AT THE TIMES OF ISRAEL!

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/in-wacky-mix-up-qatar-sends-hamas-paycheck-to-martin-indyk-and-indyks-paycheck-to-hamas/

 

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Hamas

GUEST WRITER WEDNESDAY PRESENTS: “Hamas Got Talent”!

Talent

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 11:20 AM

Gaza City:  TV ratings when through the roof this Saturday, literally, as Simon Cowell made his much-anticipated debut as a judge on ‘Hamas Got Talent.’ More than 20 million tuned in across the Arab world, averting their eyes when Cowell entered stage right, wearing his extremely high-waisted and tight trousers, accompanied by a scantily clad Nicole Sherzinger, from the Pussycat Dolls.

There was much outrage in Israel last month when the multi-billion dollar franchise was extended to the Gaza Strip and auditions began in a UN school to find the next superstar from the tiny, long-suffering enclave.

“It is absolutely appalling how the Palestinians have applied to be part of this worldwide showbiz extravaganza,” cried Israeli PM Bibi Netanyahu. “Watching teenagers juggle grenades live on stage in a high school is only going to end in tears. And, frankly, we could do without the blame. I’d rather see them in the United Nations,” he added.

A nervous looking Cowell, who was born to a Jewish father, was treated to a line up of Abu Mazen ventriloquists, a somersaulting Hitler Youth urban dance act, a magician who stormed a tunnel with explosives, grenades and an AK-47, only to come out the other side, smiling and disembowelled, next to 72 glamorous virgins. Even Nicole Sherzinger clapped. Mahmood El Mahmood, a sweet boy with a stutter came out and blew the audience away, well after his father had, with his version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man.’ Cowell pressed the golden buzzer, Mahmood went through to the finals in Ramallah and the roof exploded.

But the real drama was reserved for Fatima Al Boom Shak-a-Lak, whose father disowned her when she dropped out of bomb-making and swastika classes to take up singing in her bedroom. Dressed in a sultry ankle-length black number, and a balaclava, she dedicated her mash-up of Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off’ and Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ to him but her ashamed father chopped his own head off in the gents toilets during the commercial break.

Al Jazeera, which broadcast the show, called the show a hit, as did the BBC, which led with the headline “Palestinians sing and dance through their pain after Israeli rocket targets TV studio. The next episode airs Sunday at 9pm Israel time, 2pm Central.

 

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Hamas

Hamas Artist Who Copied Eyal Golan Song Looking Forward to a Sex Scandal of His Very Own

hamas2cur

(Photo Credit: Our Friends at The Palestinian Branch of the Muslim Brotherhood)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/5/2015 at 12:30 PM

Gaza City: Flush from the success of his copycat rendition of Eyal Golan’s hit song ‘Mi she’maamin lo mifahed’, Hamas artist Ismail C. is excited to start getting all the trappings of a new rock star.  Ismail’s knock-off version, titled “Soldiers of God“, is doing quite well in Gaza and beyond, causing Ismail’s mind to wander to bigger and better things.  Ismail explained his motivation; “I want to be as big as Eyal. I want to live as large as he does. He’s really my idol…..you know, for a perfidious Zionist Jew and stuff.” Ismail continued to describe his aspirations. “I want an entourage, a personal trainer, a reality show called “Hamas Got Talent“, maybe an ongoing rivalry with another artist from Gaza. I hear the Hamas Bumblebee has been talking trash, so maybe we can be rivals.  And of course, we’re gonna need a sex scandal.” Ismail’s eyes widened as he thought of the possibilities “I was at a cafe yesterday and I’m pretty sure that Miss Gaza 2014 was checking me out.  It’s hard to tell because she was covered from head to toe in heavy black cloth, but a guy just knows these kind of things.” Ismail began to construct a mental timeline “So I got the whole Miss Gaza thing on the back burner, but I’m really hoping to start scoring some groupies.” When the Daily Freier asked Ismail how he planned to accomplish this in conservative Gaza City, he quickly replied “Not sure, but my manager and my dad are bringing some girls around from last night’s concert in a half hour.“

Al Naqba, The United Nations

UNRWA Launches Its Own Version Of Farmville Called “Naqbaville”

NaqbavilleBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/3/2015 at 7:30 PM

Jerusalem: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East  (UNRWA) has created a hot new version of the popular Facebook game Farmville.  The new game, “Naqbaville” was designed so that UNRWA’s teachers and other employees have something to do on Facebook when they are not posting over the top cartoons portraying Jews in not-so-nice ways.  The Daily Freier caught up with UNRWA Spokesman Chris Gunness, who took us to the UNRWA Game Design Center to look at an exciting online  Naqbaville tournament in progress.

“So you’ll see that Player One just lost a turn.  It appears that a swarthy hooked-nosed man with sidelocks poisoned his well water at night.  So Player One will have to sit out this round“. Mr. Gunness then turned his attention to Player Two:  “Oh no! There’s a Jew hiding in his fields, but don’t worry, the trees and rocks call will call out to him: ‘Brother, there’s a Jew behind me, come and kill him!’ . Chris noted the efforts UNRWA made to ensure the game’s authenticity. “We actually pulled that last quote right out of the Hamas Charter; it took our legal team a day or two for permission, but we promised them free copies of the game and it was totally chill.”

While the game has just hit the streets, Mr. Gunness is confident of its success “Naqbaville is not yet really big, but pretty soon we expect it to really just explode…..The game I mean.”

Despite the initial excitement, there has been some dispute from a few disgruntled customers who felt the game wasn’t quite violent enough against Jews.  Yet at this point UNRWA cannot provide refunds. ”Unfortunately all sales are final. You don’t have a right of return.” Chris then paused for a moment in thought and added “……of this product.”

Despite being a very helpful and gracious host, Mr. Gunness made absolutely zero effort in helping The Daily Freier to become the official satirists for Hamas.