Tag: Israel news

Hezbollah

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador  to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over  Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Start Up Nation

Heroes: Iran Drones Delayed by Experts from Israeli Postal Service

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 04/14/2024 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem: Israel breathed a sigh of relief this morning after Iran’s missile attack failed to cause serious casualties. Many of us thanked the Armed Forces of the USA, UK, and Jordan for shooting down much of the Armada. We also wondered why it took the Drones and Cruise Missiles like 8 hours to fly here, giving our defenses plenty of warning. Yet few of us know of the Unsung Heroes in Israel who deserve our praise today for the Super Slow Drones. Was it the Mossad? Nope, this time the Israeli Postal Service saved the day by hacking into Iran’s Guidance Systems and causing the Drones to take a much more “relaxed” attitude toward their job! The Daily Freier waited in line at the Post Office near Machane Yehuda for 45 minutes this morning until we could talk to one of Israel’s Modern Maccabees about their Mission.

“It was really quite easy.” explained a Postal employee named Yossi as he snacked on sunflower seeds and lazily glanced at his crossword puzzle. “Me and Yonatan hacked into the Guidance System and added the same Code that we use for ‘Priority Mail’. So yeah, the Missiles took a 3-hour Meal Break and shut off their transponders so Management wouldn’t know where they were.”

The Daily Freier tried to call Yossi a Hero of Zion, but he was reticent. “We just did our jobs. You know, by telling the Onboard Guidance Systems that the woman who had the proper target coordinates had just left early for a 2 Week Holiday Break after which she planned to transition directly to Maternity Leave.” Yossi looked up from his game of Sudoku and winked at us. “Based on a True Story!“

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the Interview, but Yossi told us to come back on Tuesday or Thursday between the hours of 0900 and 1100.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Israellycool

IDF Discovers Mohammed El-Kurd’s Closet in Gaza Tunnel

Gaza City – Israeli forces announced a critical discovery this morning with far-reaching ramifications. Soldiers in the IDF’s Combat Engineer Battalion operating in tunnels 30 meters below Gaza City have uncovered a closet belonging to Palestinian Media Personality Mohammed El-Kurd. The Daily Freier spoke with Captain “Yossi”, an embedded IDF Public Affairs Officer as he briefed the Media via Zoom.

“We must be very cautious.” whispered Captain Yossi as troops gingerly approached the structure. “We believe that Mr. El-Kurd is hiding in the closet at this very moment.”

(Check out the full story over at Israellycool today!)

 

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War

Top Ten Worst Things to hear in the Missile Shelter
  1. The Nachman Dancers need help carrying their sound system down the stairs.
  2. Who else wants to talk about Veganism?
  3. You’re just in time for our Settlers of Catan tournament!
  4. Umm, why does your safe room have furry handcuffs on the wall?
  5. We turned our Miklat into a CrossFit Gym!
  6. Guess who has a Multi-Level Marketing opportunity for you!
  7. Hurry up, Kerem House is performing a Musical downstairs!
  8.  There’s nothing to read down here except Haaretz!
  9.  Shhh! India is starting her Tik-Tok video!
  10. I think this is the Sublet that I saw on Secret Tel Aviv this morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Wartime Edition!

Recently many of you have confronted the writers of the Daily Freier as we went about our business in Tel Aviv with an urgent question: how are the members of our Israel Barbie Collection dealing with the war? As we have a certain civic sense of duty to our fellow citizens, we assigned our Lifestyle Reporter Roxy Cruz to answer your pressing questions. So behold: The Israeli Barbie Collection: Wartime Edition!

Ken Ofir HaHatir got exposed for lying about his age because he is not in Miluim (reserve duty) as he is 45 years old, not 36 as he claims. Therefore he is now telling women that he’s not in Miluim because he was injured in the last war. But he is available for them in case they get scared and need emotional support in these difficult times. At short notice, he can come visit with a bottle of Yarden wine and a shoulder to cry on.

Barbie Debra Taglit still thinks it’s a mistake that the Mossad never recruited her for the skills she acquired working at a Miami mall. Debra understood that the noise of the bombs were bad for her cat, Mimi, so she took a flight out of Israel (but left the cat with her neighbor). She’s currently encouraging our soldiers to be brave against Hamas/working non-stop on her Instagram from her parents’ house in Boca Raton.

Barbie Jennifer Israeli Spouse and Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk are currently running 5 minutes from their home in Yafo to the nearest miklat. Yuval is keeping busy making mandalas from seashells and composing songs to clean the vibes with Gaza.

Barbie Sigalit is starting a new business selling incense and aromatherapy. She would like to provide her healing services to people affected by the war, but she needs to get licensed as a therapist. She thinks that this is “Totally BS”, so she is now just burning incense and singing mantras in Sanskrit that she found on YouTube.


Barbie Meirav  would rather die from a rocket hitting her Sheinkin Street apartment than go to the bunker where she might meet her ex-husband, Ken Dudi, his 24 year old Ukrainian model fiancee, Barbie Alina, and all the leftist neighbors she called traitors a few weeks ago before their husbands got recalled to the Reserves for the war.


Barbie Danit is currently under high doses of Xanax. Her kids are at home and the siren barely rings in Ramat Aviv, but she is (secretly) worried about Ken Ofir HaHatir. Ken Uri the Startup guy is secretly expecting a baby from his side chick and will soon divorce her and move to Portugal.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Tel Aviv Living

Since we’re trapped in this bomb shelter, let’s talk about my Vegan Lifestyle for a half hour!
(photo credit: the Roxy Cruz Foundation)

Wow, that last missile was CLOSE! It’s a good thing this public shelter was nearby. The facility manager just shut that giant steel door and he thinks the barrage of missiles is not going to stop for a long time. So I guess we’re stuck in here!

Which is great because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the incredible changes in my life since I embraced the vegan lifestyle. Did you know that Tel Aviv is the world capital of vegan cuisine? I was in the Shuk yesterday and had this a-ma-zing “pulled pork” sandwich but get this…it was made of jackfruit! Wait, you don’t know what jackfruit it? So you can get it in the Asian markets here and it is really great because it takes on the texture and consistency of meat but at the same time it….

…But first I need to tell you about how much farmland we can save by ending our dependence on the beef industry and converting the grazing land into sustainable agriculture using traditional crop rotation and organic fertilizer derived from urban composting especially….

….Wait, there’s a video I’ve been meaning to show you. Have you ever actually SEEN how hot dogs are made? Because I have this YouTube clip and it is so DISGUSTING that you will NEVER eat them again. OK let’s open up my phone and… what? You don’t think I can get reception inside the walls of the shelter?  That’s why I carry around a small Wi-Fi repeater in my purse!  It lets me use the Internet ANYWHERE!  OK, so let’s cue up the video to the part where they take the intestines and turn them into….

Hey, where are you going? Stop trying to climb out of the shelter window, it’s not safe yet!

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Ashkenazi Problems

Trapped: Sephardic Evacuees from Ashdod forced to eat Ashkenazi Host Family’s food

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/15/2023 at 3:50 PM

Tel Tzion:  “There. Was. Sugar. In. The. Fish. I’m traumatized. ” Ruti N. of Ashdod sobbed. “Also, the rice was just plain and white…. is there a nationwide turmeric shortage?” Ruti’s Sephardi family is among the many evacuated from the South of Israel due to the war and placed with host families around Israel….. many of them who are Ashkenazim.

Grief counselors and social workers have been sent to help the displaced families deal with their trauma. “I thought they would want to talk about the rockets and sirens.” said social worker Adi S., “But when I ask them to open up about their fears, all I hear is complaints about the food.“

“My children haven’t seen a bowl of couscous in days! It’s a human rights violation.” cried Ruti. “And why is there mayonnaise in everything…. and four different kinds of herring???!”

We caught up with Shevy, who’s hosting Ruti’s family, as she peeled potatoes in her kitchen on the yishuv of Tel Tzion. “It’s been a pleasure to have them!” she exclaimed. “Poor things, stress from the war must be affecting their appetite … at lunch they hardly touched their gribenes.“

As we left Shevy’s house, we asked about any plans after her guest family leaves. “I’ve been offered a job with the Shabak.” she replied. “They’re setting up a prison for captured Hamas terrorists and they want ME to cook the prisoners’ meals!“

Judaism

Top Ten Life Hacks from The Sephardic Chief Rabbi of Israel
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Tensions are currently running a bit high in Eretz Yisrael. Religious and secular Israelis have spent the last few weeks publicly irritating one another and making big withdrawals from our Joint Checking Account at The First Bank of Shalom Bayit. So naturally our beloved Chief Sephardic Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef thought this would the PERFECT moment to dunk on secular Israelis. This week he publicly pronounced that eating non-kosher food makes you stupid. Yet this was not the Rabbi’s only great idea this week. The Daily Freier pestered Rabbi Yosef’s office until he provided us with even more of his homespun wisdom. So without further ado, behold: Rabbi Yosef ‘s Top Ten Life Hacks:

1) Mixing wool and linen increases your Cholesterol.

2) If you eat a dairy meal, wait 6 hours before you update your Norton Antivirus.

3) Listening to Ehud Banai while preparing Shakshuka makes the eggs all runny and gross.

4) Using the Ashkenazi pronunciation of Taf increases your chance of getting Covid by 50%.

5) Wrap tefillin tomorrow or the butter in your refrigerator will start to smell like the asparagus.

6) Checking your phone on Shabbat leads to Athlete’s Foot.

7) If a city doesn’t have an Eruv, flip your couch cushions over.

8) Don’t skip Mincha or else your laundry will have a lot more static cling.

9) Hang a photo of Ovadia Yosef in your house to make your Shputznik respect you more (OK this one actually works).

10) Dressing immodestly can demagnetize your Rav Kav.

 

 

Our "Cousins"

Next Week’s Palestinian Hunger Strike is Sponsored by Tortit Chocolates!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6 September 2023 at 3:30 PM

Ramallah: With tensions rising throughout the region, Palestinian media stated today that their prisoners in Israeli jails plan a Hunger Strike starting next week. “The Palestinian freedom fighters incarcerated in Israel for their resistance to the occupation to start a hunger strike on September 14 in protest of repressive decisions against them.” reported the WAFA News Agency, which is apparently the Palestinian version of the Daily Freier (Ha Ha, Just kidding! The REAL Palestinian version of the Daily Freier is called the Daily Majnoon, and they still think we Occupied their Bandwidth.)

In related news, Tortit Chocolates is the Proud Sponsor of next week’s Hunger Strike! Tortit Chocolates rose to prominence thanks to Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti, the phoniest Barghouti who does not have a PhD from Tel Aviv University. In addition to being a convicted terrorist, Mr. Barghouti is also a connoisseur of Tortit’s line of tasty yet affordable chocolate snacks. Back in 2017, Barghouti himself went on a Hunger Strike, but with snacks. He was caught on camera enjoying a delicious Tortit chocolate bar, but you can’t really trust the Right Wing Media that reported this, such as, umm, Haaretz.

In an act of Defiant Solidarity, former Palestinian prisoner/”Freshman 15″ Victim Ahed Tamimi proudly informed the Daily Freier that she too will go on a Hunger Strike, but then she asked us if we were going to finish our pizza.

 

Israelis Abroad, Start Up Nation

El Al flight delayed after Stowaway Birds refuse Mixed Gender Seating

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/29/2023 at 12:50 PM

Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: The Times of Israel reported Monday that an El Al flight from Tel Aviv to New York was delayed due to stowaway birds in the cargo hold. Yet the story failed to report the specific reasons for the delay: numerous birds refused to sit next to birds of the opposite gender for reasons of religious modesty. The Daily Freier rushed to get the facts that the Mainstream Media refused to divulge.

“I can’t sit next to a female.” explained Nahum, a crow from Beit Shemesh. “What if she starts singing? It would be Kol Isha….except for birds.“

Itzhik, a pigeon currently getting his Smicha at a prominent coop in Bnai Brak, patiently explained the conundrum to Irit, a confused Heloni dove from Holon. “On such a long flight passengers could accidentally touch, on the shared armrest for example. Sitting next to a male bird would just make things less complicated.“

Yet it appears that not all of the birds’ claims of religious modesty were authentic. “I told that weird seagull who tried to sit next to me that I was Dati and followed Shomeret Negiya.” explained Smadar, a hoopoe from Petach Tikva. “But honestly, I just thought he was gross“. Smadar looked furtively around the cargo hold and lowered her voice. “Also, there’s a really cute hoopoe near the bulkhead who is looking for a seat.” Smadar briefly glanced at him and then looked away. “Wait, do you think he sees me?“

The El Al flight finally took off after ground personnel promised the deplaned birds that they could still visit Duty Free.