(Based on a True Story!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/11/2018 at 3:00 PM
Kapitan Andreevo Border Crossing, Bulgaria: A group of Iranians traveling with fake Israeli passports were apprehended at the Turkish-Bulgarian border after they apologized to somebody that they accidentally bumped into. Bulgarian Border Police held a Press Conference and explained the additional clues that caused them to first suspect the fake Israelis.
Border Police Spokesperson Ivan D. explained some of these suspicious activities. “Lately, Bulgaria has become quite popular with Israeli tourists because of our low prices, beaches, great food, and natural beauty. So we have become somewhat used to the ‘charm’ that Israeli tourists bring.” Ivan continued. “We first suspected something was wrong when they didn’t ask complete strangers about their salary or sex lives. But we needed more proof, so we had the Duty Free Cart at Border Control skip past them without offering to sell them any chocolate. When the suspects politely asked to make a purchase instead of screaming at the guy, we called Headquarters…. and when one of the Iranians accidentally jostled the person next to him and then apologized, we closed in and made the arrests.”
Yet Ivan also noted that if it weren’t for the heroic work of an Israeli bystander, the arrests might not have been made at all. Alert Tel Avivian Ronit S. was asked to address the audience on exactly why she first became suspicious. “So I was on the bus with these guys who said they were Israeli, and their Hebrew sucked. But I thought “Whatever, maybe they’re just Anglo Olim. But when the bus was 5 minutes away from the Terminal, I jumped up, grabbed my bag and sprinted to the front of the bus. And when I turned around to talk to the ‘Israelis’, they were patiently waiting in their seats for the bus to come to a complete stop. So yeah, the moment I got to Passport Control, I talked to the police.”
In related news, some other Iranians with fake Israeli passports were apprehended in Goa after they passed a drug test.
(photo credit: Rachel Hodas)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 10/31/2018 at 4:00 PM
Tel Aviv: The Center for the Study of Democracy in Israel published a report today indicating that only 77% of the nation’s citizens have started their own political party. With today’s election revealing a confusing array of choices consisting of every one, two, and three-letter combination from the Hebrew Alphabet, this number seemed a bit low. So in order to get to the bottom of this, the Daily Freier met with the Center’s lead researcher Natan C. at a North Tel Aviv cafe.
As we sipped our coffees, Natan gestured to the current occupants of the cafe. “Look around. The waitress, the cook, the hostess, the old guy doing Sudoku, the goofy blogger, the old woman dispensing free advice, the manager, the manager’s girlfriend, the manager’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. All of them are currently running a political party, just formed a breakaway party after a nasty split from an existing party, or are busy filling out forms and petitions to form their own.”
Not wanting to simply take Natan’s word at face value, the Daily Freier then called Israel’s Board of Election supervisors and asked if the Center’s numbers are in fact correct. “77% of Israelis have their own political party? Oh that’s just nonsense.” Election Board Supervisor Gila H. scoffed. “Soon you will be telling me that someone started a party for secular Tel Aviv cats. Wait….never mind. It appears that somebody did. I quit.”
Then the Daily Freier went to vote (first time in Israel!) for the party “Olim B’Yachad, because an Israel run by Olim just seems like a really cool thought experiment.
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 10/28/2018 at 11:30 AM
Tel Aviv: Amid the latest tornado of international events, Israelis were left trying to get their heads around the latest development to hit their war-torn nation: Rain. Ten minutes of torrential rain had Tel Avivians tossing cats out the way to dive into uncollected garbage bins, while Brits wandered around saying: “Oooh. It’s spitting.”
Combined with driving wind, Israel hasn’t heard so many doors slammed and banged since Sara showed Bibi her MasterCard statement.
Bibi called an emergency session of the cabinet, immediately converting the new fast Jerusalem train into a naval warship and generously opening up a number of prisons as shelters. The Knesset and Supreme Court will take 10,000 people.
Locals concerned with the forecast for this afternoon are advised to pack a flashlight, batteries and pita bread and call *N-O-A-H from their smartphones. Regular charges do apply, so just stop by Golan on the way home and give them a bunch of money.
(Photo Credit: We took this from the Number 5 Sherut. Not bad, Huh?)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 10/24/2018 at 3:45 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Square: With workers putting the final touches on the newly stored Dizengoff Square, hundreds are waiting for the chance to put their own trademark Tel Aviv touch to the property. The Daily Freier walked on over to smell the excitement.
First, the Daily Freier ran into Danny, who was waiting patiently just north of the square, right next to the statue of the man displaying his junk. “Ever since they tore down the old Square last year, I’ve just felt like something was missing.” explained Danny as he drank from a liter of iced tea. “But now? Now is my chance.” Danny stealthily eyed the construction site. “Those workers can’t stay there forever.”
The Daily Freier then spoke with Nir at the Beer Garden opposite the Square. “So it looks like the City is trying to replace the old structure with something clean and classy, with grass and walking paths.” Nir chugged what appeared to be his 3rd pint of Stella and looked toward the Square with a gleam in his eye. “Welcome to Tel Aviv.”
The Daily Freier plans to attend the official opening of Dizengoff Square, where we will offer free samples of our Cologne for Men, “Tachana Merkazit“.
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 8/9/2018 at 6:15 PM
Tel Aviv: Security experts are in a state of alarm today after an Israeli man successfully built a gun using a 3-D Fax Machine. Tel Aviv inventor Udi R. posted a YouTube video last night demonstrating how he built a 9MM pistol using the controversial “3-D Fax Technology“. While the rest of the world sort of “moved on” from Fax machines some time around the final season of “Sex and the City“, here in Start-Up Nation the fax machine is still humming along and is often the only way a government office will accept documents! In fact, Israelis have found many versatile uses for the fax machine, so it only makes sense that someone would use it to build a 3-D gun. The Daily Freier spoke with Udi about his newfound notoriety.
“The Fax machine has fascinated me, ever since the city building inspector accused me of not living in my apartment as we spoke…in my apartment.” explained Udi as we sipped Kafe Kar in a North Tel Aviv cafe. “Then I faxed my lease to his office and he was happy and left me alone after that. So I thought to myself… This device? It’s magical! It can do anything! And then I started working on building a 3-D Fax.”
Experts voiced their concerns about Udi’s invention, with American gun control groups calling for a ban on 3-D faxes, once they are able to find a working fax machine.
Udi says his next project is to fax himself a 200 gram block of decent cheese from Europe that doesn’t cost 80 Shekels.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 8/6/2018 at 11:25 PM
Haifa: Dude you won’t believe how chill the vibe is up here in Haifa! Way more relaxed than Tel Aviv. Haifa is real, man. You gotta come check it out. And guess what? I’m having a party this Thursday! You wanna come up? It’s so easy. Just take the train up, then walk to the buses. Take the bus up the hill past the Bahai Garden. Then get out, turn left, then walk up 200 steps. You’ll pass a kebab place, and right next to it is the bus stop. Take any bus headed Northbound, and get off after 3 stops. Make sure you don’t branch off toward the Technion. So when you get off, walk to the roundabout with the old olive tree in the middle and take your third exit. You’ll see some steps. You only need to go halfway, so don’t take all 40 steps. Anyways, you’ll see a sherut stand. Ask the driver to drop you off at the old factory. He will know exactly what you’re talking about. So when you get off at the factory, walk across the street, then walk up the three flights of steps until you see an old man. Ask him to point you toward the street with the…..Hey, where are you going??? Don’t you want to come to my party?
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 6:45 PM
Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.
Palestinian Authority President shared his sorrow. “Never in the 14 years of my 4 year term of office have I felt such shame and humiliation. This is Al-Naqba 2018.”
The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.
Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.“
UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.