Tag: Israel news

“Recount the votes or I sing another duet with Ayelet.” Bennett threatens Knesset

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/11/2019 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem:  Today the New Right Party issued an ultimatum to the Israeli Election Board: either perform a complete recount of Tuesday’s vote or else be ready for another bizarre music video from party leaders Naftali Bennett and Ayelet Shaked. So far the New Right has failed to meet the 3.5% vote threshold required to receive Knesset seats, and this outcome is deemed unacceptable. You see, 6 months ago Bennett and Shaked were considered top challengers to Prime Minister Netanyahu. But as far as we can tell, Bibi has voodoo dolls of all of his enemies and forces them to say or do a series of really dumb things. (Wait, do you have a BETTER explanation? No? We thought so.) Thus…

1) Bennett and Shaked left a perfectly good party to start a new party.

2) Shaked made a fake perfume video called “Fascism”. (No. Really.)

3) Shaked made a weird 1980’s-style music video about breaking up with the Army. And Bennett rapped on the track. (No. Really.)

Yada, Yada, Yada, they lost. Badly. They got beat by Meretz, which absolutely DOMINATED the vote on several entire streets near Gan Meir. They got beat by Moshe Feiglin’s party, whose entire campaign infrastructure appeared to be run off of Telegrass. So Bennett pushed back at a Press Conference today.

Our demands are simple.” Bennett intoned. “A full and comprehensive recount of the votes or else Ms. Shaked does another weird 1980’s-style concept video that makes you think that you’re high even though you’re not.

Bennett continued. “Do you think we’re bluffing? Try me. Ayelet wants to make another fake perfume video. So don’t doubt us….. I’m ready to do another freestyle rap. I might even beatbox this time. I’m totally serious.

As the Press Conference adjourned, Ayelet Shaked could be seen behind the stage pushing an electric synthesizer, colored lights, and a fog machine.

 

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Controversial Israeli Tour Guide does not wear an Absurd Hat

(No Tour Guides Were harmed in the writing of this story)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/29/2019 at 11:30 PM

Ein Gedi, Israel: Israel’s tourism industry took a disturbing turn this week when word spread that a local tour guide does not wear a completely ridiculous hat. You see, tour guide school lasts longer than some marriages…. so being a licensed guide here is kind of big deal. Consequently, when the tour guide community discovered that Israeli guide Danny C. was leading tours without either a fake Indiana Jones hat, a crocodile Dundee cowboy hat, a pith helmet, a hat that he stole from an ANZAC cavalry officer, nor one of those French Legionnaire hats with the dork flaps on the sides…..well, the reaction was not pretty. The Daily Freier talked with numerous irate tour guides to get their opinions.

Wait, no stupid hat?” wondered Jerusalem guide Hillel K. as he led a procession of Filipino Christians through the Old City while wearing a Soviet fur cap. “How do they even know he’s a guide?  I mean, does he even walk around in some sort of complex shawl/poncho?”

So this guy thinks he can just wander around Eretz Yisrael without a ridiculous hat?” griped a guide named Yossi as he washed his socks behind a gas station near Hadera. “I bet he also owns pants that don’t have cargo pockets.” Yossi continued to criticize Danny’s lack of a hat for about five minutes before abruptly walking away. “Please Excuse me. I need to go tell that total stranger over there that he looks dehydrated and needs to keep drinking water until his pee is clear.

The Daily Freier then stopped by the Israeli Ministry of Tourism to find out just what they plan to do about this rogue employee. A woman named Smadar talked to us on her cigarette break. “When the Ministry found out that Danny was not wearing a ridiculous hat, we levied a 5,000 Shekel fine against him and placed him on probation.” Smadar took another drag off her cigarette and continued. “The only reason he hasn’t been decertified is that he still complies with our rule that all guides own more scarves than Stevie Nicks.”

EPILOGUE: As the story went to print, Danny was seen purchasing the most worthless piece of headgear ever invented: the beret.

Iranian spies posing as Israelis busted in Argentina after testing negative for Ecstasy

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/27/2019 at 5:30 PM

Buenos Aires: When news broke last week that Argentine authorities had apprehended a pair of Iranians traveling on Israeli passports, the news at first focused on the fact that the Hebrew in the forgeries was so hilariously bad that they could be spotted by an Anglo Oleh. Yet according to published reports, the amateur quality of the passports was not the reason for their arrest. Rather, alert Argentine law enforcement officers became suspicious after the suspects displayed behaviors that did not add up to their cover story of being Israeli tourists. And when a subsequent drug test of the suspects proved negative for Ecstasy and cannabis, Argentine authorities detained the pair.  The Daily Freier traveled to Buenos Aires to get all the facts.

When they said they weren’t on their way to an illegal rave in a national park or archeological site, that was when I first became suspicious.” explained Lieutenant Esteban C., an officer with the Argentina Border and Customs Department. “Then I asked ‘Netanel’ where he worked and he mentioned a real job and not some sort of ridiculous start-up. Also, at no point did ‘Rivka’ try to get me to sublet her Tel Aviv apartment during Eurovision.”

With Lieutenant Esteban’s suspicions raised, authorities contacted the hostel the pair had stayed at, and learned of even more strange behavior. The hostel manager, a British expat named Richard, explained his suspicions. “So the bloke claimed to be a certified scuba instructor.” explained Richard. “Yet when these two really pretty Norwegian birds asked him to teach them how to dive, he refused and claimed that he was really busy. But that’s not all. After they checked out, we searched their room and none of the towels were missing.

Argentine authorities then forced the pair to take a drug test, with both testing negative for Ecstasy, Cannabis, and Bamba. Subsequent calls to the Iranian Mission to the United Nations in New York asking them if they planned to keep writing Daily Freier stories for us went unanswered.

 

 

HaShem: I created IfNotNow to show the World that Jews can also be Idiots

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/16/2019 at 11:45 AM

Gan Eden: Today HaShem/G-d/The One Who Created the Universe shared news that was both shocking and kinda made sense: that (Preferred Pronoun) created IfNotNow in order to convince the Gentiles that Jews are also capable of being complete idiots. You see, IfNotNow is the Woke Jewish Left’s answer to a question that none of us really asked. Or a secret plan to make Jewish Voice for Peace seem a bit less nuts. Anyhoo, IfNotNow has created a new generation of Woke Jewish Leadership that has bravely called out such “Pro-Occupation, Pro-Kahanist” Israelis as….ummm….Sarah Tuttle-Singer. So in order to hear all about this first-hand, The Daily Freier spoke with HaShem today via Skype from somewhere in the South Pacific where Shabbat has already ended.

The problem is that I’ve created some amazing ones: Einstein, RGB, Sandy Koufax, Golda, Maimonides.” explained HaShem as (don’t forget to add a pronoun here) lazily worked on a new species of marsupials. “Heck even my goofy concepts like Rabbi Shmuley or Geraldo Rivera…. at the end of the day they’re still basically smart, level-headed people. So I needed a creation that says to the world ‘Hey: Jews aren’t so special. They can also be complete simpletons who are so Woke that they get mad at Israel for attacking Hamas without mentioning that Hamas just fired missiles out of the blue at Tel Aviv.’ Know what I’m saying?” [Editors Note: The missile alert also forced the author of this piece to have awkward conversations in the hallway with that neighbor downstairs who we never see for months at a time.]

The Daily Freier then asked the Tetragrammaton when (Concept that exists outside the limits of Time and Space. But with Masculine and Feminine Aspects) first came up with the concept of a clique of Woke Jewish Dorks with their own Twitter handle. “Well at first it was just a side project a few years back while I was tinkering with a new strain of romaine lettuce. But then I remembered that in the Talmud it says ‘And there shall be an Army of kids who went to NYU and are still mad at their parents/therapists. And verily I shall find the most Basic ones from among them to be their leaders’….OK OK I never really said that. But I could have if I wanted to. So there, I just said it. Write that down. Baruch Hashem!…..Wait….Can I say that? Is that a bit cocky?

The Daily Freier asked Adonai if it’s checked IfNotNow’s Twitter feed lately, so the YudHeyVavHey  scrolled through (whatever possessive pronoun offends you the least) iPhone. “Wow…..just wow….OK that’s really dumb. Maybe I should have just brought back mastodons. Everybody loves mastodons.”

As Hashem left to prepare the world for the week to come, the Daily Freier asked what lay ahead in the future for IfNotNow. “Who knows, maybe they will move to Israel after their Woke “Allies” inevitably turn on them some time in the year Two Thousand and…..”. Then our Skype call got disconnected.

 

First Time Ever! Meretz now campaigning east of Ayalon Highway!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/27/2019 at 4:00 PM

Givatayim: In a move being described as “Bold”, and “Game-Changing”, the Meretz Party has begun campaigning for votes East of Tel Aviv’s Ayalon Highway. The Kinda Lefty party, long known for absolutely dominating entire Tel Aviv neighborhoods, has decided that a good way to campaign in a national Israeli election is to go out and talk to people who live in…. Israel. The Daily Freier caught up with Meretz volunteers Assaf and Dalit as they wandered around Givatayim handing out literature.

It’s time that Meretz reached out to the Periphery.” said Assaf. “We need to find the people who live in Distant Settlements like here in Givatayim, and who knows, maybe even Ramat Gan!”

The Daily Freier asked Assaf and Dalit just what precipitated this unorthodox move by Meretz.

The 2015 Election was just such a shock.” Dalit explained. “I mean, nobody I know voted for Bibi, so how could he win? It made no sense. But then we thought, wow, maybe there are people who live in other neighborhoods. And maybe we could, I don’t know, talk to them. Crazy, right?

Assaf talked about just how difficult the process has been to work in a new environment. “I can’t find Haaretz anywhere, and I just saw this guy walking around with a weird cap on his head. I think it’s called a….wait….I know this…..”

A Kippah?” offered the Daily Freier helpfully

Yes! That’s it! A Kippah! But I think we’re really making progress.”

Dalit then described other challenges they face trying to expand the reach of Meretz. “Last week Assaf and I did some amazing outreach in Holon. We must have signed up 50 people to our e-mail list. But then on Shabbat, Tamar made these very…. special…. brownies and now I can’t remember where I put my clipboard with all the names.”

As we got up to leave, Assaf asked us if we had any rolling papers.

Top Ten Surprises from Israel’s Moon Base

  1. Non-stop Matkot Games really ruined the vibe at Sea of Tranquility.
  2. Monthly resupply shuttle delayed again by Waze.
  3. Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s heartwarming blog posts about the juice guy at the Space Shuk.
  4. Mechitza running down the middle of the Geodesic Dome is really inconvenient.
  5. Astronaut burns out satellite-relay after calling her mom in Hadera 6 times in one day.
  6. Code Red Emergency after Fax Machine runs out of paper.
  7. Patrol still missing 2 days after leaving perimeter “to find the moon’s best hummus place”.
  8. Can somebody do something about these annoying electric lunar scooters?
  9. Tamar Zandberg sure is spending a lot of time in the greenhouse module.
  10. Nobody knows when Shabbat ends.

“Ulpan Tal Brody” opens to rave reviews

“!אנחנו בכיתה ב’ ואנחנו נשארים בכיתה ב’ – לא רק בדקדוק, בהכל”

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/9/2019 at 11:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Derech Yigal Alon 51: The city is buzzing with some exciting news. Israeli sports legend Tal Brody has recently opened his own Ulpan, a place for recent immigrants to master the Hebrew language and truly integrate into Israeli society. Mr. Brody, who has himself sometimes struggled with Hebrew, is excited to make a difference in the life of Olim. The Daily Freier visited Ulpan Tal Brody to find out more about this exciting new development.

Principal Brody greeted us in his office and explained the School’s philosophy. “Here at our Ulpan, we like to mix things up.” explained Mr. Brody as he casually crumpled a piece of paper into a ball and sunk it into a garbage can 5 meters away. “Some days a noun is masculine, and then, ‘Boom!’ It’s feminine! It helps keep our students on their toes! Welcome to Israel!

We then accompanied Principal Brody as he gave a pep-talk to a class of Olim entering their 6th month of studying past-tense verbs. “!אנחנו בכיתה ב’ ואנחנו נשארים בכיתה ב’ – לא רק בדקדוק, בהכל” Mr. Brody explained, as the audience looked on in various states of confusion. After the speech, the Daily Freier was able to speak with some of the students about their experience at this exciting new Ulpan.

I’m desperate. This might be my last chance at learning Hebrew.” explained Oleh Not-So-Hadash and Ulpan Gordon Veteran Jeff Schwartz. “I just hope to one day speak Hebrew as well as Mr. Brody.

We then spoke with the Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein about her time at the school. “So I wasn’t sure about which Ulpan to choose, but then I met this really cute guy from Argentina named Esteban at the open-house, so here I am!” Emily explained. It’s really great here, I mean it doesn’t even feel like school!” Emily then looked silently into the distance for half a minute before continuing. “So, I don’t know how other Ulpans work, but yesterday we spent all morning setting picks and running Zone Defense. Is that normal?

As we got up to leave, Principal Brody invited us to attend a ceremony next week where several graduates will draft directly into the IDF’s elite Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit.