Tag: Israel news

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Wartime Edition!

Recently many of you have confronted the writers of the Daily Freier as we went about our business in Tel Aviv with an urgent question: how are the members of our Israel Barbie Collection dealing with the war? As we have a certain civic sense of duty to our fellow citizens, we assigned our Lifestyle Reporter Roxy Cruz to answer your pressing questions. So behold: The Israeli Barbie Collection: Wartime Edition!

Ken Ofir HaHatir got exposed for lying about his age because he is not in Miluim (reserve duty) as he is 45 years old, not 36 as he claims. Therefore he is now telling women that he’s not in Miluim because he was injured in the last war. But he is available for them in case they get scared and need emotional support in these difficult times. At short notice, he can come visit with a bottle of Yarden wine and a shoulder to cry on.

Barbie Debra Taglit still thinks it’s a mistake that the Mossad never recruited her for the skills she acquired working at a Miami mall. Debra understood that the noise of the bombs were bad for her cat, Mimi, so she took a flight out of Israel (but left the cat with her neighbor). She’s currently encouraging our soldiers to be brave against Hamas/working non-stop on her Instagram from her parents’ house in Boca Raton.

Barbie Jennifer Israeli Spouse and Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk are currently running 5 minutes from their home in Yafo to the nearest miklat. Yuval is keeping busy making mandalas from seashells and composing songs to clean the vibes with Gaza.

Barbie Sigalit is starting a new business selling incense and aromatherapy. She would like to provide her healing services to people affected by the war, but she needs to get licensed as a therapist. She thinks that this is “Totally BS”, so she is now just burning incense and singing mantras in Sanskrit that she found on YouTube.


Barbie Meirav  would rather die from a rocket hitting her Sheinkin Street apartment than go to the bunker where she might meet her ex-husband, Ken Dudi, his 24 year old Ukrainian model fiancee, Barbie Alina, and all the leftist neighbors she called traitors a few weeks ago before their husbands got recalled to the Reserves for the war.


Barbie Danit is currently under high doses of Xanax. Her kids are at home and the siren barely rings in Ramat Aviv, but she is (secretly) worried about Ken Ofir HaHatir. Ken Uri the Startup guy is secretly expecting a baby from his side chick and will soon divorce her and move to Portugal.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Tel Aviv Living

Since we’re trapped in this bomb shelter, let’s talk about my Vegan Lifestyle for a half hour!
(photo credit: the Roxy Cruz Foundation)

Wow, that last missile was CLOSE! It’s a good thing this public shelter was nearby. The facility manager just shut that giant steel door and he thinks the barrage of missiles is not going to stop for a long time. So I guess we’re stuck in here!

Which is great because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the incredible changes in my life since I embraced the vegan lifestyle. Did you know that Tel Aviv is the world capital of vegan cuisine? I was in the Shuk yesterday and had this a-ma-zing “pulled pork” sandwich but get this…it was made of jackfruit! Wait, you don’t know what jackfruit it? So you can get it in the Asian markets here and it is really great because it takes on the texture and consistency of meat but at the same time it….

…But first I need to tell you about how much farmland we can save by ending our dependence on the beef industry and converting the grazing land into sustainable agriculture using traditional crop rotation and organic fertilizer derived from urban composting especially….

….Wait, there’s a video I’ve been meaning to show you. Have you ever actually SEEN how hot dogs are made? Because I have this YouTube clip and it is so DISGUSTING that you will NEVER eat them again. OK let’s open up my phone and… what? You don’t think I can get reception inside the walls of the shelter?  That’s why I carry around a small Wi-Fi repeater in my purse!  It lets me use the Internet ANYWHERE!  OK, so let’s cue up the video to the part where they take the intestines and turn them into….

Hey, where are you going? Stop trying to climb out of the shelter window, it’s not safe yet!

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Ashkenazi Problems

Trapped: Sephardic Evacuees from Ashdod forced to eat Ashkenazi Host Family’s food

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/15/2023 at 3:50 PM

Tel Tzion:  “There. Was. Sugar. In. The. Fish. I’m traumatized. ” Ruti N. of Ashdod sobbed. “Also, the rice was just plain and white…. is there a nationwide turmeric shortage?” Ruti’s Sephardi family is among the many evacuated from the South of Israel due to the war and placed with host families around Israel….. many of them who are Ashkenazim.

Grief counselors and social workers have been sent to help the displaced families deal with their trauma. “I thought they would want to talk about the rockets and sirens.” said social worker Adi S., “But when I ask them to open up about their fears, all I hear is complaints about the food.“

“My children haven’t seen a bowl of couscous in days! It’s a human rights violation.” cried Ruti. “And why is there mayonnaise in everything…. and four different kinds of herring???!”

We caught up with Shevy, who’s hosting Ruti’s family, as she peeled potatoes in her kitchen on the yishuv of Tel Tzion. “It’s been a pleasure to have them!” she exclaimed. “Poor things, stress from the war must be affecting their appetite … at lunch they hardly touched their gribenes.“

As we left Shevy’s house, we asked about any plans after her guest family leaves. “I’ve been offered a job with the Shabak.” she replied. “They’re setting up a prison for captured Hamas terrorists and they want ME to cook the prisoners’ meals!“

Judaism, Top 10

Top Ten Life Hacks from The Sephardic Chief Rabbi of Israel
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Tensions are currently running a bit high in Eretz Yisrael. Religious and secular Israelis have spent the last few weeks publicly irritating one another and making big withdrawals from our Joint Checking Account at The First Bank of Shalom Bayit. So naturally our beloved Chief Sephardic Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef thought this would the PERFECT moment to dunk on secular Israelis. This week he publicly pronounced that eating non-kosher food makes you stupid. Yet this was not the Rabbi’s only great idea this week. The Daily Freier pestered Rabbi Yosef’s office until he provided us with even more of his homespun wisdom. So without further ado, behold: Rabbi Yosef ‘s Top Ten Life Hacks:

1) Mixing wool and linen increases your Cholesterol.

2) If you eat a dairy meal, wait 6 hours before you update your Norton Antivirus.

3) Listening to Ehud Banai while preparing Shakshuka makes the eggs all runny and gross.

4) Using the Ashkenazi pronunciation of Taf increases your chance of getting Covid by 50%.

5) Wrap tefillin tomorrow or the butter in your refrigerator will start to smell like the asparagus.

6) Checking your phone on Shabbat leads to Athlete’s Foot.

7) If a city doesn’t have an Eruv, flip your couch cushions over.

8) Don’t skip Mincha or else your laundry will have a lot more static cling.

9) Hang a photo of Ovadia Yosef in your house to make your Shputznik respect you more (OK this one actually works).

10) Dressing immodestly can demagnetize your Rav Kav.

 

 

Our "Cousins"

Next Week’s Palestinian Hunger Strike is Sponsored by Tortit Chocolates!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6 September 2023 at 3:30 PM

Ramallah: With tensions rising throughout the region, Palestinian media stated today that their prisoners in Israeli jails plan a Hunger Strike starting next week. “The Palestinian freedom fighters incarcerated in Israel for their resistance to the occupation to start a hunger strike on September 14 in protest of repressive decisions against them.” reported the WAFA News Agency, which is apparently the Palestinian version of the Daily Freier (Ha Ha, Just kidding! The REAL Palestinian version of the Daily Freier is called the Daily Majnoon, and they still think we Occupied their Bandwidth.)

In related news, Tortit Chocolates is the Proud Sponsor of next week’s Hunger Strike! Tortit Chocolates rose to prominence thanks to Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti, the phoniest Barghouti who does not have a PhD from Tel Aviv University. In addition to being a convicted terrorist, Mr. Barghouti is also a connoisseur of Tortit’s line of tasty yet affordable chocolate snacks. Back in 2017, Barghouti himself went on a Hunger Strike, but with snacks. He was caught on camera enjoying a delicious Tortit chocolate bar, but you can’t really trust the Right Wing Media that reported this, such as, umm, Haaretz.

In an act of Defiant Solidarity, former Palestinian prisoner/”Freshman 15″ Victim Ahed Tamimi proudly informed the Daily Freier that she too will go on a Hunger Strike, but then she asked us if we were going to finish our pizza.

 

Israelis Abroad, Start Up Nation

El Al flight delayed after Stowaway Birds refuse Mixed Gender Seating

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/29/2023 at 12:50 PM

Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: The Times of Israel reported Monday that an El Al flight from Tel Aviv to New York was delayed due to stowaway birds in the cargo hold. Yet the story failed to report the specific reasons for the delay: numerous birds refused to sit next to birds of the opposite gender for reasons of religious modesty. The Daily Freier rushed to get the facts that the Mainstream Media refused to divulge.

“I can’t sit next to a female.” explained Nahum, a crow from Beit Shemesh. “What if she starts singing? It would be Kol Isha….except for birds.“

Itzhik, a pigeon currently getting his Smicha at a prominent coop in Bnai Brak, patiently explained the conundrum to Irit, a confused Heloni dove from Holon. “On such a long flight passengers could accidentally touch, on the shared armrest for example. Sitting next to a male bird would just make things less complicated.“

Yet it appears that not all of the birds’ claims of religious modesty were authentic. “I told that weird seagull who tried to sit next to me that I was Dati and followed Shomeret Negiya.” explained Smadar, a hoopoe from Petach Tikva. “But honestly, I just thought he was gross“. Smadar looked furtively around the cargo hold and lowered her voice. “Also, there’s a really cute hoopoe near the bulkhead who is looking for a seat.” Smadar briefly glanced at him and then looked away. “Wait, do you think he sees me?“

The El Al flight finally took off after ground personnel promised the deplaned birds that they could still visit Duty Free.

Binyamin Netanyahu, Protests 2023

Protesters! Wanna defeat Bibi? Follow our Secret Plan!

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1) Get more votes.

2) Win an Election.

Aliyah, Tel Aviv Living

Disillusioned Olah Hadasha makes Yerida

By Aaron Pomerantz & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/22/2023 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv: Another chapter in Olim failing to acclimate to Israel has sadly just been written. Yulia the endangered seal came to our shores just weeks ago with high hopes. Yet she swam away yesterday, after an Aliyah process that those close to her describe as “difficult”.

Yulia began her journey with high hopes, with her own Instagram page dedicated to pictures of her “A-Ma-Zing” Israeli breakfast and cats that she befriended in Neve Tzedek. Yet almost immediately, things took a problematic turn. Her interactions with native Israelis proved difficult. At one point a local seal began pestering Yulia and lying about his military service, claiming he was “a Navy Seal“.

Trying to make sense of it all, The Daily Freier was able to reach out to some of Yulia’s friends. “This all happened so quickly. I just don’t understand.” lamented Yulia’s friend Jessica from Ulpan. “Is this because the French are coming next month?”

The Daily Freier also reached out to Yulia’s friend Zachary. “Yulia found a nice place on the beach and settled down. About an hour later, a realtor showed up and demanded 7,000 Shekels because he showed her the rocks.“

Yet there were many in the Community who reached out to Yulia and tried to “make it work” for her. The Daily Freier spoke with a Nefesh B’ Nefesh spokeswoman from their Jerusalem office named Bat Sheva or Elisheva or Just Sheva, and she described her efforts to find Yulia a nice beach on the Kinneret through their “Go North” program.  In addition, two young ladies from Chabad stopped by Yulia’s beach every Friday and gave her Challah and some candles. Also, when some guy on the Aliyah Support Group “Keep Olim in Israel” made fun of Yulia’s Hebrew, Liami threatened to kick his ass.

Finally, The Daily Freier reached out to some other sea creatures who left Israel with broken dreams, Ethan and Shoshanna Jellyfish. “This doesn’t have to be the end.” explained Shoshanna. “Maybe Yulia can come back for a MASA program in the Fall.” Shoshanna thought for a moment and continued. “I bet MASA has a program for sea creatures. They have a program for everything!“

Binyamin Netanyahu, Joe Biden

Crisis Averted after Bibi Lets Biden Sniff his Hair

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/31/2023 at 5:30 PM

Washington: Diplomatic sources in Jerusalem and Washington reacted with undisguised relief today after an Israeli-American diplomatic crisis was averted at the last minute. President Biden had taken an increasingly critical public stance to Prime Minister Netanyahu’s handling of Israel’s ongoing protests, culminating in this week’s statement by the President indicating that Netanyahu will not be welcomed to the White House in the near future.

Yet at the last minute, Prime Minister Netanyahu displayed his willingness to say or do anything to stay in power the diplomatic acumen that we have come to expect from this political veteran. Working through diplomatic backchannels that may or may not have included their sons Yair and Hunter unexpectedly meeting up at a Gentleman’s Club outside of Baltimore, the leaders’ respective staffs hammered out a compromise that Washington insiders are already describing as groundbreaking. Specifically, Bibi agreed to let Biden sniff his hair at their next meeting that will take place shortly after the Passover Holiday. The Chattering Class have already started singing the Deal’s praises.

“This is exciting stuff.” explained CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “Now we need to come up with a clever name for this…. what about ‘The Scratch ‘n’ Sniff Summit‘? Does that sound catchy?“

“I actually heard about this from my cab driver last night when I flew into Dubai.” explained noted pundit Thomas Friedman. “Or was it my cab driver in Amman? Who the hell knows. I’ve been phoning it in for years.”

Yet not everyone in Israel is enthused about this development. The Daily Freier walked through the Shuk HaCarmel this afternoon and got decidedly mixed vibes about the Agreement. “Oh Great.” sighed Alert Local Ronit S. “Biden tried to sniff my hair once at the Paris Duty Free.” Ronit picked at her Shakshuka and continued. “I’m not really religious but the next time he visits I’m wearing a headscarf.“

As the story went to press, Bibi ran his hands through his distinguished salt and pepper hair and reminded reporters that Bennett could never pull this off.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you don’t think that the Daily Freier is going to call Trump Headquarters and convince them that this really happened, then you have a lot to learn about the Daily Freier.

 

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

Israel in Crisis: Protesters Destroy Knesset’s Fax Machines

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/27/2023 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation plunged further into crisis today as the Knesset’s precious Fax Machine room was vandalized, forcing the seat of government to close until further notice. Thousands of Israelis gathered outside the Knesset to protest the ruling Coalition’s proposed changes to the Judicial system, and some breached police barricades. As Security Guards worked frantically to expel the intruders, several protesters entered the Fax Room and wreaked havoc on this vital communications hub for Startup Nation. You see, the Fax Machine remains a vital workhorse in Israel. The Daily Freier sent documents to the Tax Authority via Fax in 2019 because our accountant warned us that “They don’t actually read their emails.” So Yeah, this was a big deal. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to make sense of this Tragedy.

“We’ve lost everything.” lamented a Knesset Information Technician named Boaz. “We rely on these faxes for everything.” Boaz continued as he surveyed a room full of broken ink cartridges and spools of unfurled fax paper. “This is how Mr. Netanyahu finds out what kind of mood Sara is in before his Security Team escorts him home. This is how Mr. Deri’s Parole Officer would arrange their next appointment.  This is how Ms. Zandberg used to order her …uhhh…cookie ingredients.“

The Daily Freier asked Boaz if there was any workaround to prevent a paralysis of government at this crucial moment in Israeli history. Boaz leaned in closely and lowered his voice. “This hasn’t been released to the public.” Boaz intoned solemnly. “But right now we are sending out vital messages via Moshe Gafni’s Kosher phone, Noa Kirel’s Instagram, and Yair Netanyahu’s Twitter feed.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Boaz was desperately trying to hook up a computer to a monitor and stopped to ask us if we had a Boot Disc for Windows 95.