Category: Guest Writer Wednesday

Nursery Rhyme Characters join Post-Election Protests

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/23/2016 at 8:00 AM

London: The twin shock wins of Brexit and Apprentice host Donald Trump have produced an unexpected surge in violent protests and assaults among nursery rhyme characters.

Lazy chav Humpty Dumpty was arrested in England for racially attacking Polish construction
workers after he fell from a retaining wall, which left him unable to get disability benefits for a fractured fibula. Also arrested was an angry Little Miss Muffet for throwing her old tuffet, the only furniture she had left after IKEA relocated all its branches to Ireland.

Old Macdonald left his barren farm, together with Mary, who had to eat her little lamb or go to a food shelter, and Little Bo Peep, who did lose her entire flock …to a lousy exchange rate, to show moral support for poor Baa Baa Black Sheep. Baa had no wool left after the EU stopped its subsidies, killing off his farm and it also refused to import the three bags full that he had produced because of EU quotas applicable to Brexit Britain.

Meanwhile, Stateside, Jill was left seething after boyfriend Jack, who went to fetch her a pail of water, broke his crown but was left uninsured to see a dentist after Trump threw out Obamacare.

Over at the Spout, Itsy Bitsy Spider failed to climb it when the sun didn’t come out to dry the rain after Donald ripped up America’s pledge to curb greenhouse gases.

And having kissed all the girls and made them cry, Georgie Porgie avoided a harassment lawsuit and was given a cabinet position by Trump, in quite a turnaround for li’l Georgie. When the boys came out to play, Georgie didn’t always run away so he was forced to undergo the ‘conversion’ therapy urged (and experienced) by VP Mike-on-the-down-low Pence.

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Donald & Hillary: You’re Fired

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/5/2016 at 4:30 PM

Washington: Three hundred million people stateside have been left scratching their heads as both Presidential candidates have dropped out of the U.S. election in as dramatic fashion as it started.

Like the genre of reality show that trumpeted the rise of the Donald, Republican Party leadership told him yesterday: “Donald you’re fired!” as it emerged that the pool of married women left untarnished by Donald for THEM to have affairs with was diminished. He was spotted clinging on to his toupee and golf clubs as he hurried away in a New York cab.

As the news filtered through to a glacial Hillary, she was photographed by the paparazzi, lying in an old pantsuit next to a rusty needle in the sukkah of her son-in-law, smoking a doobie and sucking the juice out of an etrog, insisting “I don’t got no fricking problem, I am gonna castrate the sumbitch.” The Daily Freier’s investigations are inconclusive if she was talking about Anthony Weiner or her husband. There was a knock on the door by men with white coats as Bill looked away, sheepishly at a glossy picture of Monica Lewinsky on the mantlepiece.

Diminished by an embarrassing Brexit, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth made the unusual foray into offering an opinion in the political arena, by bringing up the possibility of renewed British colonialism, saying: “One is happy to take back the United States on a temporary basis until sense and stability have returned, but we demand that they keep Spice Girl Mel B. Oh and Piers Morgan too.

 

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Inspired by Mother Teresa, Bar Refaeli nominates herself for Sainthood

369px-bar_refaeli_2011(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/28/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv: Late wonder-nun Mother Teresa is now officially a Saint, 19 years after her death in India at the age of 87. Following a complex and frankly tedious process, the Catholic Church has collected enough documents and testimony to make her a Saint, a title reserved for people considered so holy during their lives that are they considered to be with God and can actually perform miracles.

Israeli supermodel and part-time taxpayer Bar Refaeli was said to be devastated, angered that Sainthood does not exist in Judaism, or to the living, especially as her magic was not applauded when it came to her income tax forms.

Taking a short break from shopping for lipstick, Refaeli told the Daily Freier: “I know she helped people in the slums of Calcutta but I made a quite frankly hilarious video for ‘Funny or Die‘. And without expecting a thank you.

Like a Biblical X-Factor, the Vatican goes through several stages, to include:

  1. Reading the testimonies from sick people who have been cured
  2. Ploughing through a heap of local references
  3. Sending documents to the Judges’ Houses, the Theologians, to see if you are even worth the trouble.

A hopeful Refaeli noted: “I dated DiCaprio for a while and that is always worth a few brownie points at the Pearly Gates, although I am not sure, with him being a gentile, whether the Rabbis would let that slide. I mean at least he wasn’t Reform.

If a potential Saint gets  through this stage, you then have to prove that you performed a miracle, such as healing the sick. While Ms. Teresa cured a woman of stomach tumors after the victim prayed to her, Refaeli said she once kissed an aspirin and gave it to her sister and the migraine disappeared instantly. There were some gasps among theologians at this point, who added: “Ms Refaeli, you are quite something else.

This stage, called beatification, and less painful than it sounds, is followed by the need for a second miracle, like Leicester FC winning the Premier League or Trump being nice to foreigners. Once that is complete, you are considered a Saint.

There appears to be some hope for Ms. Refaeli. The Saint-making machine has not been exempt from corruption and backhanders for many years so if she gets her furry alligator purse out, she may yet get a day named after her.

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Drama in the Tel Aviv Yoga Community

800px-PikiWiki_Israel_43727_International_day_of_Yoga_2015

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Chakra Rich

Last Updated 8/10/2016 at 7:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: In an effort to prove once and for all to the rest of the nation that Tel Aviv is NOT a den of frivolous weirdos, the city has decided to wage a debate between yoga enthusiasts and pilates nuts. And since it involves Israel, this debate has captured the attention of people who don’t live in Israel but still have a lot to say about Israel anyway.  For example, the World Council of Pilates is demanding fairer rights for Pilatians in Israel. Council Chairperson Helen Hartuchus explained.

There is incredible discrimination in Israel regarding Pilates. From the government down to the streets they only discuss Yoga. Yoga, yoga, yoga. They only practice Yoga. They do Yoga at festivals. Yoga in the street. Yoga on the beach. Several Israelis who wish to practice Pilates approached me and say they just don’t feel part of everyday society. They feel in some ways alienated. Israel talks of being a free society but it is just not the case for Pilates Students.

Meanwhile born-again Yoga students are protesting too…. against other forms of yoga! Hatha Yoga, the traditional and original form of Yoga,  claims to be the more spiritual form of practice. It ‘claims‘ to be the true way to connect with our internal energies and the Universe as a whole.  Yet some people out there don’t practice Hatha and now feel they are being discriminated against.

Florentin resident Yonatan, who was very inflexible when he started but who can now touch his toes and sit cross-legged while eating muesli, shared his story with the Daily Freier. “I feel I am a born again Yoga student. I was never flexible. I started with Ashtanga and really enjoyed the movement it had for my body. But when I go to festivals it’s all about meditation and stillness in the yoga. What about a little bit of movement in our asanas..I don’t feel I should be ‘forced’ to follow rules I don’t want for my body. I just want choices when I go to festivals.

[The Daily Freier learns something new every day. Apparently there’s also a yoga called Iyengar. Let’s take a look….]

Iyengar Students are also in protest…  Allenby-area aspiring musician Sivan says, “We have enough ropes, cushions and chairs to support all students at all festivals. We just feel marginalized as a group.”

At a national level, Netanyahu has been accused of favouring Hatha Yoga and politicizing the situation for his own benefit. One of his ministers who can’t be named for legal reasons has been quoted “Ashtanga students are yogis who have lost their way. We must ensure that every yogi returns to the fold of true Yoga.

The Knesset is due to debate whether it is safe for people to carry unlicensed yoga mats for fear of potential conflicts between rival groups of yoganauts.

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Israel banned from Olympics for “Cofix Doping”

Israel Olympic Team Cofix doping Daily Freier

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 7:00 AM

Jerusalem: There was horror and consternation in Jerusalem as news emerged that the Israelis were the second national team banned from the upcoming Rio Olympics. With Russia banned a few weeks ago for widespread doping, the Israeli team were kicked out for testing positive for another energy-boosting substance – Cofix’s five shekel ice coffee.

Well, it just goes to show that the Zionists will not stop at nothing to steal coffee beans from Palestinian bean growers, whose livelihoods have been wrecked by a Government agenda to deny them breakfast and keep them comatose.” noted UK Labor leader Jeremy Corbyn as he got ready to meet Anjem Choudary for tea.

I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my whole  life!” complained Minister of Sport Miri Regev. “Right now Tel Aviv is hotter than the surface of Jupiter. Of course my team are going to try to keep cool.  But no ice coffee?! I have heard it all.” Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu quickly blamed the rise in Islamic fundamentalism for Israelis’ growing coffee addiction. “People are drinking it like there’s no tomorrow. And Ice Coffee at five shekels is a luxury that just about everyone can afford.” he said while sipping a mojito from a balcony on the Sheraton in the Maldives.

Hurdlers, basketball players, mountain bikers, one Krav Maga enthusiast and a team of volleyball arsim were all immediately disbarred after their caffeine levels were discovered to be off the charts.  Another hopeful track star Moshe Polansky, a 100 meter sprinter from Ashkelon, protested his innocence: “I didn’t know the coffee would still be in my system, my brain froze, if anything, I am less able to function after that.” he cried, as he finished his trial 100m race in under an hour, after stopping to talk to five people at the side of the track and call his mother. He crossed the finish line as they turned the floodlights off.  Mother-of-three Rivka Goldberg from Jerusalem also learned of her ban during curling practice, with her tongue pressed to the ice as temperatures hit 102 Degrees in the Old City. In an unrelated test, a pair of professional Matkot (beach paddle ball) players were also kicked out of the tournament because of the headache that their game caused anyone within two kilometers.

With the focus now on the 2020 Olympics, the Israeli team still plans to fly to Rio as most have already rented their apartments out on AirBnB.

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Russian Tourists become accidental face of Tel Aviv’s newest Gay Club

Russian Speedos Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Flickr)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 8:30 AM

Tel Aviv: The media is thrilled and the gay community is excited – a brand-new gay club will open on Rothschild Boulevard this Thursday. The revolutionary and rebellious concept of the new club is “Be Real”: a club for members of the gay community who are tired of trying to be flawless.

There is too much pressure on gays in Tel Aviv.” explained Motti, one of the 26 promoters of the club.“ You have to be fit, and tan, and waxed, and eyebrows on fleek. This causes anxiety and protein shake disorders. On the other hand, we want to be unbound and appearance-friendly for everyone”.

We accompanied the “Be Real” team as they went to the beach to take photographs for their website and promotional  posters. The photographers Ori and Tzachi looked confused and lost because everyone indeed looked so handsome and fabulous, when all of a sudden they saw two Russian tourists emerging from the water. Ori enthused “They’re 110 Kilos but wearing these tiny little speedos. But they look so real…. or maybe just sunburned  and hung over.” Both photographers ran toward the tourists to take some sneak pictures of their modern-day heroes. Tzachi and Ori came back very encouraged, and shared their theories.

– This one used to be Twink, but he looks more like a straight man now.
– That one is more of a Bear, but in a subtle way, if you know what I mean.

The Daily Freier is not always up to speed with all of the terminology to hold this conversation, so we decided to talk to the tourists ourselves. Unfortunately, the newfound celebrities barely spoke English, and we only understood that their wives were meeting them for a mid-day bowl of borscht.

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Tourist Searching for “Best Hummus In Tel Aviv” Still Missing

Tel Avivi Daily Freier Hummus

(Photo Credits: Tel Avivi)

By Joshua Rodin

Last Updated 7/27/2016 at 8:20 AM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli Municipal and National Police have put out a National Alert for a missing American tourist, last seen 72 hours ago. According to the Police Report, the missing person’s name is Sarah [insert another initial here]. Sarah, described as 21 years old, brunette, 5’2″, was last seen by friends on her way to locate “The Best Hummus Spot in Tel Aviv”.

Yeah, I have no idea where she could have gone.” said David R., a friend of Sarah’s and a fellow team member from one of Israel’s countless and easily forgettable MASA programs. “The last thing she said to me was that this really nice Israeli guy  told her about an amazing hummus spot in Tel Aviv (‘much better than all the others’) near the Carmel Market and that she was going to check it out…. And that was the last I heard of her.” David stared at the floor with a worried look on his face, “I mean she should have been back days ago, not to mention the fact that clearly the best Hummus place is Falafel Gabay on Dizengoff.

Israeli Police who searched for Sarah since early Tuesday say that they have yet to find her but have identified several witnesses throughout the city who have claimed to have spoken to a woman who matches that description.

Yossi L., a long-time resident of Tel Aviv of 5 months claims to have spoken to Sarah that very day. “Yes, emmmmmm, I saw the American girl, she came up to me asking for directions. She was looking for the best hummus restaurant in Tel Aviv and it was supposed to be located the Carmel Market. I realized immediately she must have been lost and confused since the best hummus is on Pinsker Street and I quickly redirected her.” Yossi smiled and continued his story. “I mean Hummus HaCarmel is okay I guess but the real stuff is obviously Hummus Mashawsha.

Tel Avivi Daily Freier Hummus 2

Police scoured Pinsker Street for clues but soon discovered that Sarah had already left the area. Another witness, Chaim T., seems to have spoken to Sarah as well, “Yes I saw her but she seemed very dazed and confused, looking for the best hummus on Pinsker Street when she should have been in Yafo at Abu Dhabi.” adding quickly with a broad smile, “Obviously I gave her directions … only 5 different buses with Moovit, not Waze!

Israeli Police Spokesperson Adi F. remained confident when speaking with the press today, saying “This is not an unusual event, we lose track of 3-25 tourists every year and they usually turn up … eventually.” Adi quickly added, “She’s almost certainly located at Abu Hassan. Which is hands-down the best Hummus in Tel Aviv.

UPDATE: Relieved residents learned this morning that Sarah is alive and well.  While wandering Yafo yesterday, Sarah suffered from heat exhaustion and alert bystanders rushed her to the nearest medical facility, Doctor Shakshuka.  She is still sipping Limonana and looking at the menu because “there are just so many choices“.

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Cartoon Networks sue Politicians for Plagiarism

Cartoon networks sue politicians for plagiarism Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/20/2016 at 3:00 PM

Los Angeles: A multi-billion dollar lawsuit threatens to embroil the entertainment industry this week after it emerged that the latest characters from CPN (the Cartoon Political Network) – Bibi Be-Man, Boris “Brexit” Johnson and “The Donald” resemble iconic Disney and Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters, in both appearance and speech.

It is the first time cartoon characters are expected in court since Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and raises the real possibility that the famous white glove of Mickey Mouse may be forced to swear on a Bible in the witness-box.

Allegations focus on Be-Man, the nickname for Israeli PM Bibi, who was likened to the muscular blonde Master of the Universe cartoon from the 1980s. The revival has seen him increase his monthly barber’s bill (short, back and sides) from the $1,800 spent while at the UN in New York, to a whopping $20,000 (L’Oreal colour, shade 5) although this is still less than his formidable princess of power, Sarah She-Ra Netanyahu.

Speaking of the power of Greyskull(s), The Donald has been this week accused of plagiarizing cute cartoon bird Tweety Pie. “I tawt I saw an immigrant, I did, I did!!” he cried at the Republican National convention in Cleveland. It may have been his first wife, Czech Ivana or his Slovenian third wife, who this week was also accused of ripping off vast chunks of Michelle Obama’s first speech. Scandalous. When we know Michelle is the most effectual Top Cat, the indisputable leader of the gang…..of Democrats on their way out to see Officer Dibble.

Across the pond, fans of clueless and hapless pooch Scooby Doo were left wondering about the inspiration for Britain’s new Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson. At his first awkward date with politicians in Brussels since the Brexit, Boz leaped out his seat during talks on saving Greece to express “Zoinks, there are times like this when I would literally do anything for a Scooby snack….I’d even put the UK back in!” Angela Merkel, resembling a stockier Penelope Pitstop, shrieked “Hayulp, Hayulp” before Silvio Dastardly Berlusconi, Italy’s boomerang Prime Minister Emeritus, appeared behind her to smack her on the arse again.

The much-anticipated court case will follow the spate of recent personal injury/idiocy cases stemming from the Pokemon Go phenomenon, which saw people fall off bridges and sidewalks while looking for things that were purely imaginary. Bar Refaeli collapsed with exhaustion while looking for her tax receipts.

Wilmaaaaaaaaa….

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Israeli Dating Robot takes Catfishing to the next level

Israeli dating robot will take catfishing to a whole new level Daily Freier Tel Aviv 

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/13/2016 at 7:30 AM

Tel Aviv: In a city where 99.9% of the single population  are on 4-5 dating apps simultaneously (0.1% just got their phone stolen at Radio), planning and organizing your personal life becomes quite challenging. Swiping 500 pictures while writing היי) היי + emoji if you really liked someone) 100 times a day is so exhausting. Then you have to remember if that was “Vegan Noa that has two dogs and lives in Florentin” or “Sexy Noa that lives on Gordon and does Standup Paddle Board” (completely different mindset and dating approach). What was the name of the guy you just spoke on the phone with? Yoni? Roni? Or maybe Yaniv? No, Yuval! How can I save so many Yuvals, so I won’t get confused?

Have no fear! Yet another ingenious Israeli Start-Up idea will soon change your life. Rivka the Dating Robot will take care of your dating profiles, and it’s much better than just catfishing. Select your preferences: he/she is wearing sunglasses in every picture (= “I’m so cheesy“) : swipe left; pictures with ex (“let me teach you how to crop“) – left; elevator/bathrooms selfies (“what were you thinking?“) – to the left, to the left (Everything you own is in the box to the left). Vegan – yay or nay? Blond, beard, Sabra, Foreign, boobs – it has more options than any Adult site you (might) use.

Let’s say you’ve got sufficient matches  and  you’re ready for a waste of time (AKA “chatting“). Believe us, Rivka the Dating Robot knows how to do it better.  She peeps into previous conversations of your potential date and knows exactly what, how and when to ask (and obviously much more pushy than polite American Siri). Next step – Rivka saves a phone number with a short description, useful advice and the time of your first date. Just put on your flip-flops and you are ready to meet your destiny!

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The Freier discovers the secret to Cofix 5 Shekel prices

 We have discovered a secret of a five-shekel policy at Cofix Daily Freier Tel Aviv Israel

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/6/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv is a city of extremes. It’s either unbearably hot or freaking cold here, people are either zealous lefties or stubbornly right.  But when it comes to prices, it gets to the boiling point. No need to mention how ridiculously overpriced local supermarkets and bars are, but right next to them you can always find Cofix and get anything you need (or almost anything – I personally still can’t find gluten-free vegan chewing bones for my dog) for the low low price of 5 shekels!

Why is it 5 Shekels and not 7, 12, or 5.99? The Daily Freier couldn’t help but be curious and thus wanted to find an answer to this question. After 945 missed calls and 61 attempts to get into the Cofix Headquarters (no need to say “wow”, we’ve got a vast experience dealing with Cellcom and Hot Cable), a third cousin of  a branch manager named Chaim finally confessed:

Have you ever tried to break 200 shekels into 5-shekel coins to use a laundromat? It accepts only 1 and 5-shekel coins, and if you have a big family (by that I mean Bnei B’rak Sephardi big, not your Tel Aviv Ashkenazi with four dogs), you have to make 10-20 loads of laundry daily. We simply needed a lot 5-shekel coins.”

Another even closer family member (who wished to remain anonymous) confirmed that. “Everything started with a small kiosk selling coffee and pastries just to get our daily laundry done, but then we started growing bigger and bigger and it turned out to be profitable”. He excused himself and said that he needed to put his laundry into the dryer, but we managed to ask him why they didn’t just buy their own washing machines? “Can you imagine how many 5-shekel coins we have? Do you know how much Leumi bank will charge us to get 200-shekel bills? It’s easier just to use the laundromats!

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