Category: Guest Writer Wednesday

Cofix, Guest Writer Wednesday July 7, 2016April 28, 2017

The Freier discovers the secret to Cofix 5 Shekel prices

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/6/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv is a city of extremes. It’s either unbearably hot or freaking cold here, people are either zealous lefties or stubbornly right. But when it comes to prices, it gets to the boiling point. No need to mention how ridiculously overpriced local supermarkets and bars are, but right next to them you can always find Cofix and get anything you need (or almost anything – I personally still can’t find gluten-free vegan chewing bones for my dog) for the low low price of 5 shekels!

Why is it 5 Shekels and not 7, 12, or 5.99? The Daily Freier couldn’t help but be curious and thus wanted to find an answer to this question. After 945 missed calls and 61 attempts to get into the Cofix Headquarters (no need to say “wow”, we’ve got a vast experience dealing with Cellcom and Hot Cable), a third cousin of a branch manager named Chaim finally confessed:

“Have you ever tried to break 200 shekels into 5-shekel coins to use a laundromat? It accepts only 1 and 5-shekel coins, and if you have a big family (by that I mean Bnei B’rak Sephardi big, not your Tel Aviv Ashkenazi with four dogs), you have to make 10-20 loads of laundry daily. We simply needed a lot 5-shekel coins.”

Another even closer family member (who wished to remain anonymous) confirmed that. “Everything started with a small kiosk selling coffee and pastries just to get our daily laundry done, but then we started growing bigger and bigger and it turned out to be profitable”. He excused himself and said that he needed to put his laundry into the dryer, but we managed to ask him why they didn’t just buy their own washing machines? “Can you imagine how many 5-shekel coins we have? Do you know how much Leumi bank will charge us to get 200-shekel bills? It’s easier just to use the laundromats!”

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Guest Writer Wednesday July 6, 2016September 30, 2016

After Brexit, Barry Manilow’s Tel Aviv concert raises fears of “Bentry”

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/6/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli stock market took a battering this week, feeling the full effects of one man’s ruthless ambition. Not David Cameron or Boris Johnson and ‘Brexit‘ but ‘Bentry,’ the long-feared arrival in Israel of ‘singer’ Barry Manilow.

As news filtered through that the 74-year-old ‘Copacabana’ singer from New York had printed his Easyjet boarding pass, shares on the Tel Aviv Stock Exchange coincidentally plummeted 45% and the Shekel lost a further 20%. Despite selling 80 million albums worldwide, it is Manilow’s first ever visit to Israel, as part of his ‘Goodbye’ world tour that feels like it’s been going on since the 80’s. “No vacancy” signs were put up in all beachfront hotels.

Although Manilow’s concert sold out, inflating his 401K pension and putting a severe dent in the local housing market, Israeli Finance Minister Moshe Kahlon immediately encouraged investors not to panic, warning that Barry was here only for one day and would not go anywhere outside of the Yad Eliyahu arena in Tel Aviv.

Unconvinced locals were seen fleeing north with traffic reports predicting heavy congestion as families rushed to avoid hearing ‘Looks like we made it.’ The 45,000 stray cats of the city were also not taking any chances, taking the extreme measure of boarding buses to Ramat Gan.

Having set up a 24-hour Situation Room to keep tabs on Britain’s stunning decision to leave Europe, Kahlon admitted he was relieved as he has adapted the room into ‘Operation Mute-the-Man’. He shelved discussions over the introduction of Hebrew as a European Union official language in a post-Brexit world, as well as Sarah Netanyahu’s application for more credit cards.

Instead, Kahlon brought in extra Mossad agents to ensure that Manilow would not go more than 50 meters outside the stadium. “This is by far the national security priority at the moment. After the two-hour crisis, Manilow will be immediately deported back to the US without a European stopover. They have suffered enough this week. He may ‘write the songs’ but I call the shots.”

Although quietish in recent years, Manilow came out and married his long-term partner in 2014, adapting and singing one of his own songs at the Chuppa, changing his irritating infectious hit ‘Mandy‘ to ‘Dandy‘. I guess music and passion weren’t always the fashion…

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Aliyah, Guest Writer Wednesday, Hebrew June 29, 2016December 28, 2020

Canadian Olah curious about this “Alan” guy everyone mentions

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/29/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv: Let’s be objective – Hebrew isn’t the easiest language to learn. For some reason, “table”(shul’chan) is a boy and “chair” (kisey) is a girl. Kind of sexist, don’t you think so? At the same time, “head” (rosh) is also a boy, but “stomach” (beten) is a girl. And then it’s time to conjugate….

However, the most captivating (and promising) word for new Canadian Olah Emily S. was “Alan”. In fact, Emily thought that Alan was a mysterious, powerful (and hopefully single!) Jew who owns all the bars and falafel kiosks in Tel Aviv.

“No matter where you go, everyone’s greeting is ‘Alan’ which sounds more like ‘Ahla’, but maybe that’s just the accent. Who is that guy? Where can I find him?” wondered Emily, as she kept on wandering from one bar on Dizengoff street to another, until she decided to finally “ask for a friend” on Secret Tel Aviv.

After receiving 27 unrelated questions about a bus schedule on Shabbat, 56 friend requests and 116 messages offering to “Netflix and Chill” in Kfar Saba, she found out that “Ahalan” is just a greeting, meaning “Ugh, another customer is going to eat my brains, what the heck do you want from me?” (Mandatory Spoiler Alert: It actually derives from the word for “Welcome” in Arabic. So entries in the comments section explaining our ignorance are unnecessary…..but still welcome!)

This newfound knowledge definitely didn’t make Emily’s Aliyah struggles any better and she has even started thinking of moving back to Canada. Keep Olim, Nefesh B’Neshesh and some random strangers from Allenby street have decided to help Emily, but they don’t know how. Therefore, we count on your wisdom, dear readers, to help Emily solve her dilemma.

Guest Writer Wednesday, Start Up Nation June 22, 2016July 20, 2016

Instagram’s @SabrasBeingPolite breaks down stereotypes

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: Inspired by the impressive success of HotDudesAndHummus and not connected to Israel (but definitely created by Jews) BrosBeingBasic , a group of students at Tel Aviv University launched a new Instagram account SabrasBeingPolite.

The idea of the new account is very simple: to show the world, the UN and everyone who complains on Secret Tel Aviv (#welcometoIsrael) that sabras are indeed amazing people with big hearts and loud voices. Next time, when someone helps you to find gluten-free cookies at the supermarket, offers his aunt friend’s son as an ideal (obviously!) shidduch, picks up your lost wallet on the street and finds you to give it back, or simply lets you cross the street on the green light (He has to. It’s the law. But still…), take a picture of this brave man or woman and share with the world!

Sounds like a genius idea, isn’t it? We took it to the streets to find out what Israelis think about it.
“That will be just another Instagram account.” complained barista Shay at the coffee kiosk. “No kittens, no boobs, no gay flags. It’s not gonna work.” He wanted to tell us about his plans for when he moves to New York next year, but that would have ruined our morning hafuch moment.

“This is cool, really cool.” enthused Motti, one of three teenagers balancing on one electric bicycle. “Achla idea, capara.” agreed his friend Shlomo.

Not everyone was positive though. “This is just racist!” yelled Inbar, while carrying her yoga mat to the free rooftop meditation class somewhere in Florentin. “This is racist and immoral, because occupation is immoral”. This caused a serious psychological trauma for us, so we decided to stop investigating Israelis and instead ask for your opinion, our precious readers.

Guest Writer Wednesday June 22, 2016September 30, 2016

Polar Bear Arrives in Haifa, Claims Asylum

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Haifa: Israel and the European Union agreed to discuss immigration issues after a Polar Bear from the Arctic Circle pleaded for asylum in Northern Israel yesterday. Traditionally found in the North Pole, the 34-year-old Polar Bear known as Frosty washed up bedraggled, lost, and hungry on the shores of Haifa, so at first everyone thought he had just returned from Mid-Burn. Upon realizing he was actually a Polar Bear, startled locals ran along the ridge of Mount Carmel with zoom lenses and iPhones, snapping a relaxed Frosty as he splashed around doing the backstroke. When he complained of cramps, he was hauled onto a fishing boat and taken to the Ramat Gan Safari. Experts from Tel Aviv agreed it was the most interesting news they’ve heard from Haifa in years, but not quite interesting enough to actually go up there and spend the day or anything.

Dismissing the appearance as a publicity stunt for the new Ice Age movie in which he has a small role, Frosty said: “It was not deliberate really, I wanted to stay in the North but then this oil company started fracking off the coast of Greenland and the next thing I know, my ice cap had broken off, Marjorie next door was coughing soot and I am drifting eastwards. I don’t want to stay. I can’t get into any Ulpan courses, and I can’t afford anything bigger than 20 square meters.”

Frosty, who used to star in TV commercials for icy breath mints before landing a cameo role in Madagascar, is the most well-known of polar bears to seek asylum. A spokesperson for the Israeli government said: “While we wish Frosty no harm, the climate here is not suitable for such a lazy enormous creature, even a major icon of his stature. But we understand that the South Pole can accommodate him.”

Percy ‘the Emperor’ Penguin, the South Pole’s more liberal Prime Minister added: “We are making arrangements to bring Frosty here and are making an exception in this case but we cannot have an open door policy to such violent predators, who show up with no papers. While polar bears contribute a lot to our society, doing the jobs we don’t want to do, like sleeping and posing for WWF posters, they could technically be terrorists. We already have melting glaciers, a rise in igloo prices and pressure on our one main hospital – St Pingu. We have to be careful. We see what is happening in the UK and we don’t want to have a referendum on a ‘Sexit.’ Although it does sound rather wonderful….“

Guest Writer Wednesday, Start Up Nation June 15, 2016July 20, 2016

Google launches new App: “Israeli Standard Time”

Google launches Hot New App: “Israeli Timing” Daily Freier — (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/15/2016 at 3:00 PM

Herzliya Pituah: You are coming to a party half an hour late, because you don’t want to pay the cover charge/wait in line/because on Facebook it says that the party starts at 9….. and the door is simply locked and a brutal looking security guy is trying to explain that you arrived too early. Like “half an hour late early“???

Ok, lesson learned! But the next week you are invited to a house party, you show up an hour (fashionably!) late, and the host is on his way to the shower wrapped in a towel and looks at you as you as if you had just fallen down from the moon. Sound familiar? Google Israel decided to solve this Olim problem and launch a new application “Israeli Standard Time“.

The app will get access to your calendar, Facebook, and WhatsApp in order to adjust your perceptions of time and space to the “more flexible” Israeli reality-based local timing based on the Middle Eastern traditions of punctuality. Now you don’t need to worry if you should come to an event two or three hours late to be on time – the application tracks Facebook “check-ins” and selfies posted to Instagram to let you know when the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire and it’s about time to show up.

Having trouble setting up meetings with Israelis? Let Israeli Standard Time do the job for you. The app automatically changes ETA based on the historical tardiness of your phone contacts. Next time, when you are supposed to meet at 7 pm, and you are getting a message at 6.58 PM that “I’m running 5 minutes late”, you don’t need to figure out if you should leave your apartment or if you can read a few more posts on Secret Tel Aviv. Israeli Timing automatically adjusts the message to read “I’m running 30 minutes late”. Winning!

The Application can be linked into Moovit, Waze and GetTaxi to make sure you are always “on time” in the amazing Startup Nation.

Guest Writer Wednesday, Hebrew June 8, 2016November 30, 2016

Linguists: Honking means “Sorry” in ancient Hebrew

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/8/2016 at 7:00 AM

Ramat Gan Eden: Have you ever wondered why Israelis honk all the time? You might have though they were impatient, pushy or even rude, but a new discovery made at the Linguistics Faculty of Bar Ilan University explains everything.

“The sound of honking is an absolute copy of an archaic meaning for ‘sorry‘ in ancient Hebrew.” explained Professor Yael K. over the phone as we wandered lost around Ramat Gan trying to find the Campus. “Moreover, it actually means ‘I am sorry for all that I have done wrong within past 24 hours.‘ so it can actually be addressed to a lady they cut in line earlier this morning or a guy they elbowed trying to get on the bus. The word was spelled as בייב, which can be mistakenly confused with the word ‘beep’ due to the overwhelming influence of modern English.”

Professor Yael then provided the historical background of this remarkable theory. “If you look at the history of the Jewish people, we’ve always been reflexive. We tend to gather the information, analyze it, and only then do we make conclusions. Therefore, we don’t say sorry straightway, but we wait until we can fully understand what happened and apologize”.

However, how do Israelis acquire this knowledge? “There are a few hypotheses, but very likely, it’s Tnuva milk that enables the transfer of this information from one generation to another. That’s how we learn this ancient word, and thus it becomes a part of our vocabulary. Some linguists even suspect that 1% milk has a bit worse transferability rate, and that Soy milk is completely worthless, but further peer-reviewed research is required.”

Am Israeli Chai

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Guest Writer Wednesday June 1, 2016September 30, 2016

Sick of the Middle East Balagan, Israel considers ‘MExit’

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/1/2016 at 6:10 PM

Jerusalem: In a world of naff abbreviations, memes and soundbites, the Israeli Knesset this week debated a motion brought by rebel MKs on the benefits of an Israeli ‘MExit‘: an exit from the Middle East.

Seeing how all the talk of a ‘Brexit‘ (British Exit) in Europe has engaged an apathetic British public from its political slumber and scared the bejesus heck out of the European Union, the Israeli PM agreed to the debate, which raged well into Friday night. Drunken new Defense Minister Avigdor ‘the Tom Jones of Odessa’ Lieberman cried into his vodka: “I don’t want to move but at least we would not have to find a lousy Eurovision entry. It’s humiliating. Like Arafat in a thong.”

One of the more sensible suggestions was to charter 2,300 El Al flights, 43,000 kosher meals and take Israeli citizens on a junket to northern Thailand – where most seem to spend their post-army travels and run travel agencies.

Another suggestion was to fit all of the Holy Land inside two streets in a Shanghai suburb, which raised the prospect of Tel Avivians enjoying Chinese food that was actually good.

A third and more challenging option, was to transfer the Jewish people to Mars. Whilst this idea drew widespread support in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, and among the BDS movement, there was also a great deal of support WITHIN Israel as real estate giant Shikun & Binui immediately applied for planning permission to build affordable high-rises on the red planet. Marketing the development as ‘Eilat in the Sky,’ young Israelis were also excited, as it seems they don’t actually enjoy paying more than 4,000 shekels a month for a studio as large as a border collie. With nothing to grow, nothing to do and an atmosphere lacking breathable air, Mars is using advertising slogans from the Beersheba tourist board. Discussions broke down after participants learned that the Palestinians claim Mars was actually originally theirs.

There was also excitement in Israel to the sweet idea recently proposed by a British MP that Israel should be moved to the United States of America. “It would fit inside New Jersey” shrieked one excited Israeli, in a three kilometer line for Green Cards at the U.S. Embassy.

Upon the news, everyone’s dreaded President-Elect Donald Trump escorted the U.S. navy to patrol the seas off Ellis Island, carrying a Monty Pythonesque placard saying: “What have the bloody Jews ever done for us?” before being counter-sued by his son-in-law Jared Kushner.

As morning rolled around, Bibi called UK Prime Minister David Cameron to see if he would consider a land swap. The UK would return to supervise the land of Israel while Israelis moved into their relatives’ homes in Hendon and Golders Green. Netanyahu also said Dana International could stay and sing for the UK in next year’s Eurovision. David Cameron, vehemently against a Brexit, was said to be considering such a sweetener.

BDS, Eurovision, Guest Writer Wednesday May 18, 2016May 8, 2019

Eurovision descends into farce after Israel Boycott and Ukraine beats Russia

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/18/2016 at 1:20 PM

Stockholm: Debates over the Boycott Israel movement raged across Europe today after millions of fans were left traumatized by the decision to ban all things Israeli in Saturday’s grand finale of Eurovision. The chaos began when outspoken Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallstrom, a strong supporter of the BDS movement aimed at economically crippling Israel, made a series of blunders that left hosts Sweden red-faced. Firstly, she moved the singing competition from the 16,000 all-seater Ericsson Globe arena in Stockholm – after discovering that the mother-in-law of the Ericsson CEO had once eaten a pomegranate on an Israeli kibbutz in 1954. “We were left with no choice. We really can’t be seen to support that level of aggressive Zionism.” Ms. Wallstrom stated defiantly, as the venue was changed to an old IKEA warehouse in the tiny northern village of Dooberguberfloozer. Coaches were then arranged to transport the 42 competing nations after the Israel-developed GPS app Waze had been blocked, sending the lost Azerbaijanis on a wild-goose chase around Denmark. Meanwhile, Israeli start-up GetTaxi, the world’s second largest Taxi app, was switched off, forcing the Spanish to hitchhike to a place they could not even say.

Eurovision is one of the few European cultural events that reinforces regional differences and continuously raises the prospect of a third World War. Amidst all the kitsch of cheesy dancing fairies and Viking heavy metal bands, this year’s show was once again mired in controversy. Greece was devastated after failing to make the final for the first time and immediately blamed German-imposed cuts. Neighboring Turkey was thrilled to have negotiated its inclusion in next year’s semi-finals, in exchange for building more Syrian refugee camps. Fights and beheadings broke out in this year’s semi-finals after a romantic ballad sung by ISIS boy band, the Caliphatties failed to melt judges’ hearts. Canada too was left ticked off by Australia’s inclusion in Eurovision for the second year running. Quebec-born diva Celine Dion, who won Eurovision for Switzerland in 1988, offered to sing but new Prime Minister/heart-throb, Justin ‘Donnie Osmond’ Trudeau vetoed her offer, sending a giant wave of relief across Canada.

Not since the official breakup of Abba in 1982 has Sweden been so widely vilified for allowing such a cultural disaster. From the moment the show went live on air, buzzing social media forums began to grind to a halt. Facebook, created by renowned Zionist/Nice-Jewish-Boy Mark Zuckerberg, went offline for the first time ever, pushing a frantic 1.6 billion account-holders across the planet into actually talking to each other. But with Microsoft’s operating system, the Intel processor, and the technology behind What’s App, Messenger, Viber and voicemail all pioneered and developed in Israel, mobile phones and laptops around the world all fell eerily silent. When it came to broadcasting the actual results, Eurovision’s voting system was hit by the sudden ban on Israel-inspired satellites, forcing judging panels to dig out dusty walkie talkies not used since the Cold War.

When the networks finally managed to broadcast the rest of the show, it appeared that bookies’ favorites Russia – which had threatened to turn off the gas and lights in Eastern Europe – had done predictably well. Also surprising was the Great Britain entry, sung by reality TV superstars Joe and Jake. The last time a British duo scored so well abroad, there was a pubic lice outbreak in London. Their upbeat song “You are not alone,” dedicated to former London Mayor Ken Livingstone, was nevertheless ridiculed in Germany. “Zay bloody will be soon if zay vote to leave ze EU next month, ha, ha!” Angela Merkel chuckled to reporters, as she faxed through the votes from Berlin.

Nervously awaiting the Eurovision results aboard Air Force Trump, the man formerly known as Donald, warned: “This is what happens when you have no real defensible borders, political or cultural.” The Republican rebel immediately called for the US-Mexico fence to be built six meters higher and promised a tax on burritos…..

(Note: Ukraine stole it from Russia and Australia. The UK did shit and the Israeli entry, which arrived late, held up by squabbles over the last kosher meal on El Al, finished about half way.)

Aliyah, Dating and Relationships, Guest Writer Wednesday May 18, 2016November 29, 2023

Ukrainian Olah suspects Israeli-American boyfriend is actually just Israeli

(Based on a True Story! Almost!)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 5/11/2016 at 10:00 AM

Bat Yam: Ukrainian Olah Natasha G. moved to Bat Yam four months ago to find a husband. “My grandma Baba told me Jews are good husbands.” explained Natasha as she shopped at Azrieli mall. “Baba knows what she is talking about – one of her husbands was a Jew.” Natasha stopped for a moment to fix her pink lipstick. “So, I met this guy on OkCipud. It’s not like Tinder or anything. OkCupid is for serious relationships, right?” Natasha arched her freshly drawn eyebrows. “So his name is Omer and he wrote in his profile that he lives in New York, and he told me that he is an Israeli-American and runs a start-up. I thought to myself – this is destiny!”

“We’ve been together for a month, but I started suspecting his story because his English sucks. Not that mine was perfect, but if he was an Israeli-American, he would be kinda fluent in English, right?” The Daily Freier Guest Reporter didn’t have a chance to find out what was wrong with Mr. Omer the Boyfriend’s English, because Natasha saw a special offer “Second item – half price” and we lost her somewhere in H&M.

To find out the truth, the Freier Guest Reporter stalked Omer on Facebook and met him for a beer (“to sit on the beer” as he explained). “U spik Hibrow, no?” inquired Omer. “Hawo much taym U heer?” Omer told me he always says to non-Americans that he is half American. “The idea of an extra passport doesn’t hurt.” said Omer winking. We wanted to ask Omer what happens if a girl finds out but he saw his old army friend in the other corner of the bar and ran to him screaming “Ma kore, achi?!?” so we had to spend the rest of the evening swiping pictures on Tinder.

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.