Tag: BDS

BDS, Dizengoff Center

The Daily Freier invites Lara Al-Qassem for brunch & Shopping in Dizengoff Center

Wuddup Girlfriend!

As the foremost source for great news here in the Zionist Entity, we at the Daily Freier want to offer you a heartfelt welcome! We know that you’ve had a rough couple of days, but we hope you’re settling in nicely up at Hebrew University!

Anyhoo, let’s meet up! Friday morning 11:00 at Dizengoff Center, Tel Aviv’s most A-MA-ZING spot for brunch and shopping! So you know how when it comes to when you stopped doing BDS, you sorta told the court one thing but the truth is really something else? Well Dizengoff Center is a lot like that. The signs say one thing, but you just sort of have to figure things out. But it’s totally worth it.

So let’s meet on the 3rd Floor. No not the 3rd Floor above Holmes Gym. The other side. Follow the bathroom sign until you get to where they removed the bathroom. Then pass the talking information kiosk that has its circuit board ripped out (really!)

Hey, do you want to download their Navigation App? Wait, it looks like you can only download the Hebrew version and you need the English. Well to be honest it probably is 6 of one half-dozen of the other anyway.

Anyways, go past the sketchy tattoo shop. Then go up the escalator that goes to the playground with the elephant butt slide. If you see us there, say hi!

Hugs,

The Daily Freier

 

BDS, Israellycool

Natalie Portman’s new film set in a Parallel Universe where Natalie Portman doesn’t say dumb sh*t

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2018 at 2:15 PM

Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“,  so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).

(We’re published over on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

BDS, Pesach

Jewish Voice for Peace presents: Woke Seder 2018

(SPOILER ALERT: This is actually a thing.)

Oh hi there! So happy you could make it! Hey, what did you think of our mock Israeli checkpoint at the front door? Scary, huh? I mean, as if a Palestinian would ever disrupt a Passover Seder in real life, right???

Excuse me, did you say that Passover celebrates the Jewish people’s flight from Egypt to Israel? OMG. Sorry, but I’m a little #Triggered by what you just said. Because it’s actually a stand against Colonialism and Islamophobia. No, really. It’s in our Haggadah.

Hey don’t sit there! That seat’s taken! What did you say? For the Prophet Elijah??? Oh don’t be silly. It’s for Rasmea Odeh!

So now it’s time that we wash our hands of the whole Farrakhan misundersta……wait, sorry. We’re just “washing our hands” washing our hands. With water. My bad.

Now it’s time for the Plagues. Go ahead and dip your finger in the wine (Don’t worry, it’s not from “Israel”!).

1) Micro-Aggressions!

2) Trump!

3) Gal Gadot’s popularity!

4) The cultural appropriation of Palestinian hummus!

5) Israel cancelled our flight to Ben Gurion!

6) Free Ahed Tamimi!

7) Has anyone mentioned Trump yet?

8) [Insert Linda Sarsour’s latest Tweet here]

9) They’re moving the Embassy to Occupied Jerusalem!

10) I mean, Tel Aviv is also Occupied, but still.

Hey, you found the Afikomen! Guess What? We just made a $20 contribution to Marwan Barghouti’s commissary fund in your name!

Well that was some Seder, huh? Thanks for coming! Next year in Al-Quds!

(This story was first published on Israellycool in 2018)

BDS, Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party, The Jooz

Labour MP angry she wasn’t invited into Corbyn’s secret anti-Jewish Facebook group

 By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/13/2018 at 6:00 PM

Camden, London: Today a very irate Labour Activist is demanding to know why she wasn’t invited to join Jeremy Corbyn’s secret Anti-Semitic Facebook Group “Palestine Live”. An  investigation by David Collier uncovered that the Secret Facebook Group “trafficked in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, posted articles by Neo-Nazis, denied Israel’s right to exist, and called pro-Israel Jews “Zio-Nazis.” The group included Holocaust Denier Paul Eisen, as well as “the Jew who was too Anti-Semitic for the BDS Movement” Gilad Atzmon. And in a revelation that shocked people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the head of Breaking the Silence was also a member of the group…..Well rest assured, Labour Member of Parliament Danielle Lynne-Stephens is quite upset and wants to know why she never received an invite. The Daily Freier stopped by Momentum Headquarters in London to meet up with MP Lynne-Stephens  and have a little chat.

“I really didn’t want to ‘Go There’, but I can’t help but think there is a bit of sexism in the BDS Community. Honestly, sometimes it feels like the Anti-Israel Left has a Glass Ceiling. I mean, how else to explain why I wasn’t asked to join Palestine Live? I’ve paid my dues. The mob that attacked the Israeli Club at King’s College? I was there……I own 12 keffiyehs….. The Women’s Boat to Gaza? I was First Mate. I mean, until we got lost.….”

Danielle went on to explain just how unfair her exclusion from the group was. “How many times do I need to talk about the Rothschilds before I get an invite? And the sad part is, I could have really helped them with the quality of their memes……Like, they passed around pictures of hook-nosed Jews with demonic eyes? Big Deal. For a month my profile picture was a giant octopus with a big nose and a Star of David!”“I’m sorry, but my obsessive hatred of Israel takes a back seat to nobody in that group. Posting articles by David Duke? Hellooooo? David Duke once posted an article written by me!….Saying that 9/11 was an Israeli False-Flag operation? Please. I’ve been saying it since the days of dial-up Internet.”

“It just isn’t fair.” Danielle continued. “How many times do I have to use the word “Zio” before I start getting the respect I deserve? And don’t tell me Corbyn didn’t know I wasn’t in the group. He commented and ‘Liked’ posts all the time! I’m tempted to take a walk over to Jeremy’s gardening allotment and give him a piece of my mind.”

For his part, Mr. Corbyn says he denounces anti-Semitism in all its forms and has launched a committee to look into any wrong-doing by Labour MP’s. The Committee will be led by Ken Livingstone, Jackie Walker, and George Galloway.

BDS, Roger Waters

Huge loss for BDS after Ozzy Osbourne blacks out halfway through angry phone call from Roger Waters

Ozzy in Israel with the Daily FreierBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/1/2017 at 9:50 AM

Los Angeles: In a serious loss for the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, famed rocker Ozzy Osbourne lost consciousness halfway through a phone call from an angry Roger Waters. The Prince of Darkness has a July 2018 concert planned for Tel Aviv, and noted singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was none too happy. As fellow veterans of the late 60’s scene, Roger felt a need to reach out to Ozzy and dissuade him from playing in Israel, and thus called the Blizzard of Ozz himself. Unfortunately, about 7 minutes into Roger’s rant, Ozzy was no longer responding to stimuli on our current plane of existence and entered a deep sleep. But with his eyes still open. Mr. Osbourne explained the situation to the Daily Freier from his Los Angeles home.

“Roger rang me up all hot and bothered and I had Zero Idea what the F— he was F—– talking about. After a few minutes it felt as if Sharon was yelling at me again. Something about my concert in Tel Aviv next year I reckon. And then I blacked out, and woke up an hour later on the couch with the f—– dog f—- licking my face. But Israel sounds great. By the way, just asking…. but are bats kosher?”

For his part, Roger Waters insisted that the conversation was going well until it began to cut out for poor sound quality “because I must have been passing through a tunnel at the time.”

Mr. Osbourne, who insists that he’s “Quit the Drinking and Quit the Drugging“, says he looks forward to his visit to Israel next year, and really wants to learn more about the Kapparot Ritual.

 

BDS, Israellycool, Linda Sarsour

Screenshotting My Old Tweets is Racist, by Linda Sarsour

Linda Sarsour Israellycool Ayaan Hirsi Ali Daily Freier

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So can we get one thing straight? Screenshotting my old tweets is basically a hate crime. Worse than the NYPD. Worse than Netanyahu. I mean, it’s even worse than the NFL not giving Colin Kapaernik a job. Yes. It’s THAT BAD. Because when you screenshot a tweet like this one….

Dual-Loyalty-Linda-Sarsour-Israellycool

…. Well you are simply taking away my voice as a Woman of Color and a Muslim in Donald Trump’s Amerika. And why are you even screenshotting my old tweets anyway? Is it because I speak Truth to Power? Like the time I told the CIA to “Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself”?

Underwear-Bomber-Linda-Sarsour-Israellycool

Yeah, I called it. But still no props. Plus, why you gotta bring up old business anyway? Why you gotta go back in time and dredge up the past? I mean, that’s just straight up creepy. Creepier than Zionism….

Zionism-Linda-Sarsour-Israellycool

Yeah, I said it. Doesn’t give you the right to remind people about it though. You see, I’ve gone mainstream. Like “Hanging with Bernie Sanders” Mainstream. Like “Leading the #Resistance” Mainstream. Like “Promoted by Comedy Central” Mainstream. Is this real enough for you yet?

So that’s it for now, peeps. Don’t forget to catch me November 28th at the Jacobin Institute when I will teach you what is and isn’t anti-Semitism.

#StayWoke,

Linda

Hamas, Roger Waters

“I’m OK!” Roger Waters reassures his fans after Gaza Tunnel collapse

Roger Waters Gaza Tunnel CollapseBy the Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/31/2017 at 6:20 PM

Khan Yunis: Fans of (Rula Jebreal’s ex-boyfriend/the creepy weirdo stalking Bar Refaeli/that guy who used to play with Syd Barrett) famed singer-songwriter Roger Waters breathed a sigh of relief today after he released a tweet confirming that he is safe and sound following yesterday’s tragic tunnel collapse in Gaza. While the IDF’s destruction of the attack tunnel facilitated a speed-dating-event-with-72-virgins for several unfortunate terrorists, Mr. Waters wanted to let all of his fans know that he was OK, and “hadn’t been in that tunnel for weeks“. Mr. Waters, who has previously utilized the tunnels for their unique acoustics, spoke out forcefully in order to clear the air.

“I think it’s typical of the media, which is actually controlled by you-know-who, that they would put out unfounded rumors.” Mr. Waters explained.  “The fact is, I am currently on tour and have not been in Gaza since I finished recording my latest album of oud, drums, and spoken word in late September.”

While Roger was safe and sound, yesterday’s events hit very close to home for him, as counted among the wounded was his friend and colleague The Hamas Bumblebee. Nachool the Bumblebee is a favorite on Gaza’s children’s shows, as he playfully sings songs and says some not-so-nice things about the Zionist Entity. With Nachool’s hospitalization for smoke inhalation and shock, Mr. Waters sadly announced a delay to their planned collaboration on a Hamas TV Television Special entitled “Hey Kids! Let’s brush our teeth every day, respect our teachers, and tell the Balfour Declaration that it can Go to Hell!“.

While Mr. Waters is now present and accounted for, the Daily Freier has still not received word from former President Jimmy Carter as to his current whereabouts.

(THIS ARTICLE WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL IN 2017)

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song? Israellycool
BDS, Israellycool, Peter Beinart, Tikkun Olam

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of whether you are reading Peter Beinart’s latest impassioned critique of the Jewish State or Taylor Swift’s latest breakup song. Like, it’s an honest mistake. One of them is moody, self-absorbed, and uses the pen to lash out at perceived betrayals when a relationship ends…… And the other one used to date a Jonas Brother.  But anyhoo, we thought we would quiz the loyal readers of Israellycool. Good luck!

(The Daily Freier wrote this on Israellycool. Go check it out and take the Quiz!)

 

 

Al Naqba, BDS

Palestinian satire site accuses Daily Freier of Occupying its Bandwidth

Al Naqba, BDS February 22, 2017 Palestinian satire site accuses Daily Freier of Occupying its Bandwidth

By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/22/2017 at 3:30 PM

Ramallah: The satire community of the Levant is in a state of chaos today as a prominent Palestinian blog made very serious accusations against the Daily Freier. The Daily Majnoon is a satirical site out of Ramallah that pokes gentle fun at the big things and little things in life. Famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters sometimes guest writes for them.  Hanin Zoabi also writes a weekly column when she is not out sailing.  The Daily Majnoon also serves as a sign of a thriving Palestinian civil society, for just as the Daily Freier feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu, the Daily Majnoon also feels free to mock Israeli leaders like Netanyahu. Only in Arabic and stuff. The Daily Majnoon held a press conference in Ramallah this morning where they described this whole Naqba of a controversy.

The Daily Majnoon’s Web Administrator, Yusuf B., who goes by the username “Stillnotover1948“, explained their plight to the assembled journalists.  “We are indigenous to this bandwidth, and have operated this website for thousands of years. And as proof I present to you these underwear labels, a set of keys to a file cabinet, and a menu from a hummus restaurant in Umm El Fahm.”

A journalist from the New York Times asked Yusuf if he would accept a deal where the Daily Freier gave up part of its bandwidth to the Daily Majnoon. Yusuf said he would accept such a deal, but would still retain the right of return to direct web traffic from the Daily Freier to the Daily Majnoon.

Reaction to the accusation was swift, with Haaretz writing a scathing editorial accusing the Daily Freier of Land bandwidth theft, cultural appropriation, ethnocentrism, and mansplaining. The editorial was read by thousands of people in Haaretz’s worldwide English edition, and as many as 27 people in its Israeli Hebrew edition.

In the spirit of compromise and good faith, the Daily Freier offered to help the Daily Majnoon find a suitable workspace where they could truly expand their operations. In Atarim Square.

When the Lefty-But-Totally-Not-Bonkers Tel Aviv Blog “+972” heard of the Daily Majnoon’s plight, they offered to give the Daily Majnoon two-thirds of +972’s bandwidth.

Israellycool, Peter Beinart, Tikkun Olam

Peter Beinart Criticizes Israel For Its Lack of Interest in Peter Beinart

Peter Beinart Criticizes Israel For Its Lack of Interest in Peter Beinart

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/15/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats.  His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?”

(The Daily Freier Appears on Israellycool Today! Stop by and Check it Out!)