Tag: Emily Goldstein

Dating and Relationships, Pride Week

“Is he Gay or just being Israeli?” – a Helpful Guide for Pride Week Visitors

Is he Gay or Just being Israeli? Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/4/2016 at 3:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: Employees from the  Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office continue to distribute a helpful and informative pamphlet to our out-of-town visitors this week: “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli? A Visitor’s Guide to Pride Week“.  Tourism Office Spokesperson Galit K. discussed the initiative with the Daily Freier as we walked along the HaYarkon Promenade.

“We see this pamphlet as a true win-win. Sometimes visitors have a difficult time figuring things out here in Israel. So the city stepped in to help.”  Galit pointed toward several men in Speedos on the beach play-wrestling in the sand and grabbing each other.  “Do you see those men?  Now a visitor might have a preconceived notion, but they are in fact just Army buddies…..who clearly wax and pluck……and have an excess of hair gel and highlights…..and appear to be listening to Eyal Golan……OK, I see your point.”

Galit continued to explain the initiative. “Do you see the two men over there at the cafe?  One of these men owns Capri pants, loves to dance, has on a silver lycra tank top, and calls his mom twice a day…… And the other one is into dudes.“

Galit admitted that the “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli?” campaign experienced a setback when the entire first batch of pamphlets were taken home to be read by frustrated and confused women who actually live in Tel Aviv, but that more pamphlets are on their way to hotels and hostels throughout the city.  When the Daily Freier challenged Galit on recent reports that the Mossad is jamming the nation’s Gaydar, she quickly told us that she had another appointment and had to end the interview.

Dating and Relationships, Dogs

I hate Tel Aviv guys, but this one seems different.

i-hate-tel-aviv-guys-but-this-one-seems-different-daily-freier1Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months.  You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar.  And who is this who just sat down next to you?  Is he new here?  He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.

So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service.  And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley!  So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license.  And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35.  But whatever.

So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli.  And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch“.  That’s like really sexist.

Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser!  Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something.  “This guy’s a dog.”

“But he seems nice!”

“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.”

“I think you’re just jealous.”

OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention.  Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night.  But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.

Welcome to Israel.

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Dating and Relationships, Purim

Cool girl at Purim party in Hare Krishna costume is really Hare Krishna

Hare Krishna Tel Aviv Purim

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/24/2016 at 9:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim:  WOW!  That was some Purim party! The Yemenite Quarter was packed.  And it was Off. The. Hook.  And the trance music outside of Norman’s Bar was A-MA-ZING.  And that girl you were talking to the whole night seemed really chill and down to earth.  And her costume was SO AUTHENTIC!  Get this…. she dressed as a Hare Krishna!  And you know how some people do a half-assed job for Purim?  Like wearing just a mask? Or a rainbow wig? Or wearing cat’s ears with a leotard and using a pen to add whiskers (OK, that’s actually kinda cool!) Well not her.  She had it all!  The flowing patchwork skirt.  The peasant blouse.  The sandals.  Jangly bracelets.  And a tambourine!  She had a tambourine! How awesome was that???  And the conversation you had with her.  It just flowed.  Just talking about how the street music was merging with the Universe at the same time that it was emanating from the Universe!  And you both like sitar music!

And she stayed in character the WHOLE. TIME! When you told her how cool her costume was, she kinda just stared at you for a second and then continued with the conversation. She kept asking if you were truly conscious. That’s so crazy man!

Wait…. you got her number? Dude! And you’re going out again today?  Winning!  Oh wait, you’re hanging out with her friends too?  OK that’s cool.  They want to see what you’re all about?  Probably just looking out for her.  Wait, you’re packing an overnight bag?  You’re spending the weekend with her in the Galil?  Well yeah…. her and her friends.  Wait….. what’s a “retreat”?

Hey! A van is parked outside and it’s honking its horn. Wait! Where are you going?

 

Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv Post by Woman Who Found Mystery Boxers in Her Laundry Leads to Long Term Relationship, Restraining Orders

Screen Shot 2019-02-07 at 11.48.44 AM(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

(EDITOR’S NOTE:  Based on a True Story!)

(We made it all up. Except for the part where somebody on Secret Tel Aviv posted a  pic of some dude’s boxers that she found in her laundry. That’s real. –The Freier Legal Dept.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/13/2016 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaBima: Israel’s modern day Cinderella story has turned from happiness to cautionary urban tale. It all started with a post on popular website Secret Tel Aviv, in which Canadian Olah Lisa K. wrote about the pair of men’s boxers she found mixed in with her clothes upon return from a local laundry service. This post in turn led to a series of replies from concerned locals that almost crashed Secret Tel Aviv’s server. But in the end, it also led to a long-term relationship with local guy Shlomi D, followed by court-ordered restraining orders against one another. The Daily Freier sat down with Shlomi for his take on this unfolding tragedy.

“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”

Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house.  But he had to work the next morning.  So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home.  Some people have a walk of shame.  I had a Car Pool of shame.”

Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry.  So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”

Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big.  And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”

In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”

Fallout from the post continues to be felt across the State of Israel. Upon reading the original post, experts from the Technion concluded that this in fact brought Secret Tel Aviv one step closer to becoming a self-aware entity capable of generating its own absurd posts independent of human input. Additionally, the Daily Freier was embarrassed to admit that by failing to anticipate this scenario, it is now forced to update its Random Secret Tel Aviv Post Generator.

According to well-placed sources within Lisa’s circle of friends, the restraining orders have not prevented at least two incidents of “sex with the ex” since January.

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Aliyah, Fashion, Mossad

Olah Hadasha Offended that Mossad Agent Using Her UK Passport Wears Sidebangs with Frosted Tips

untitled2-1(Photo Credit: Our friends at the Dubai Police Department)

By Emily Goldstein, with Manu H.

Last Updated 1/24/2016 at 12:30 PM

Ramat Aviv- Recent immigrant Hannah G. is not happy. With the public disclosure that Mossad agents have been using the identities and altered passports of new arrivals from Western European nations, Hannah has learned that her United Kingdom passport has reportedly been used during an operation in a Gulf State. And to make matters worse, the alleged Mossad agent took certain fashion liberties in her passport photo that have left Hannah feeling violated and offended. “So in her passport photo, she somehow manages to wear a hairstyle that combines sidebangs AND frosted tips. Oh and her roots are showing.  I bet she chews her gum like REALLY REALLY loud. This is a nightmare. It’s as If I’ve had my identity stolen. By an Essex girl.”

Hannah continued to vent about the ensemble that the un-named agent wore in a leaked hotel surveillance video. “And what she was wearing on the security video??? That blouse is a Hate Crime.”  When the Daily Freier asked Hannah if she also worried about the wider political fallout for ex-pats whose identity had been compromised, Hannah snapped back “I think we are all ignoring the real crime here. She looks ridiculous in that scarf. and SHES USING MY NAME!!!”

While the last several days have been personally difficult for Hannah, there has been a silver lining. “On the up-side, I got pulled over for speeding on Ayalon Highway yesterday and the policemen looked at my ID, looked at me, looked at the ID again, gave a discreet salute, and walked off. No ticket! Yay!!”

When asked if she had a message for the Mossad Agent who stole her identity, Hannah was adamant. “Hey! Y2K called and it wants its hairstyle back. And oh yeah. I’m judging you right now…..Literally!”

Fashion

Israel’s Fashion World Turns Out For Gala Launch of the Hot New Cologne: “Tahanah Merkazit”

images(Photo Credit: Some French Girl)

(Models From Left to Right: Shlomo, Shlomo, Shlomo, and Shlomo)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 9/21/2015 at 9:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Opera- It’s literally a “Whose Who” of the Israeli fashion world at tonight’s product launch of the hot new cologne for men: “Tahanah Merkazit”. Tahanah Merkazit is billed as “Summoning up the Sights, the Sounds, the Smells….of Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station.” With such luminaries as Bar Refaeli and Natalie Portman in attendance, anyone who is anyone does NOT want to miss tonight’s launch. The Daily Freier talked to local Fashion expert Emanuelle H. for her take on the event.

As several sweaty men wearing short sleeve shirts unbuttoned to the navel walked down the fashion runway, Emanuelle explained what she saw. “See how the first model exudes a raw virility as he strides the runway and shows off the musk of ‘Tahanah Merkazit’… Now this model’s name is Shlomo…..Actually, I believe that all of the models are named Shlomo.”

While the ingredients of “Tahanah Merkazit” are a closely guarded trade secret, rumor has it that it is brewed on-site in the basement of the Central Bus Station. Emanuelle shared some industry gossip on the ingredients. “Rumor in the fashion world is that it is a mix of sweat, sunflower seed husks, cigarette butts, falafel, and I believe, pee.”

Tahanah Merkazit is slated to be in stores as early as next month, and advance orders are piling up. Yet Emanuelle stressed that men should proceed with caution before purchasing this product. “As a woman, let me tell you that the effect of this stuff is powerful” as she furtively eyed the second model named Shlomo.

Based on the early success of “Tahanah Merkazit”, the fashion world can look forward to a late Fall release of the cologne “Number 5 Sherut”

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Dating and Relationships

Taking a Stand Against Racism, Tel Aviv Man Vows To Also Hit On Foreign Women

Taking a Stand Against Racism, Tel Aviv Man Vows To Also Hit On Foreign Women Daily Freier[Editors Note: When the real-life individual who was the inspiration for this story learned that we wrote this article, he was upset…….that we DIDN’T use his real name!  So here it is again, with his real first name! #becauseisrael]

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk HaCarmel:  Local guy “Tzion” is taking a stand. Taking a stand against racism, xenophobia, and discrimination…..by vowing to hit on women he meets in Tel Aviv regardless of race or background or national origin or even whether or not they seem interested at first. “What can I say?”, noted a shy and modest Tzion as he sized up a group of what appeared to be attractive Italian backpackers.  “For me to limit my attention to just one group of women just seems…..bigoted and exclusionary.”

Tzion’s one-man ambassadorship of goodwill has not gone unnoticed. Mexican tourist Yanet V. talked to the daily Freier about her recent encounter with Tzion. “Me and my girlfriends were sitting in this amazing bar off of Allenby which was playing the best music: Johnny Cash, Dionne Warwick, even old Springsteen. So Tzion came over and took the time to patiently explain the meaning of the songs to me. He said that “Ring of Fire” was really actually about sex……Come to think of it, he said that all of the songs were about sex.”

Scandinavian graduate student Caty V. also discussed Tzion’s selflessness. “When I told him I wanted to try scuba diving, it was amazing that he was willing to tell me he had his instructor’s license and that we should go to Eilat for the weekend and do some dives. And also that his cousin was out of the country and we could stay at his place. I mean, I’m not Israeli and he doesn’t even know me that well so for him to volunteer his time like this was just incredible. Plus, Tzion seems kinda religious so I know the fact that his cousin’s studio only has a fold-out futon must make him a bit uncomfortable.”

When the daily Frier called Tzion a mensch and a tzadik, he again turned shy and reserved. “I’m doing my best, but I’m just one man. We can make this world a better place. I mean, imagine if more men in Tel Aviv shared my outlook.”

 

Dating and Relationships, Hamas

Guy in Missile Shelter Says He’s Only One Or Two More Alerts Away From Asking Out Girl From Second Floor

stock-footage-man-and-woman-talking-outside-at-night1By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 6:20 PM

Ramat Aviv– Summer TAU student Ethan Schwartz told sources today that he is “like this close” to asking out an attractive coed known simply as “Melissa from Rockland“.  Mr. Schwartz noted, “I saw her during the first alert last Tuesday, and each alert I’ve been able to throw a little light banter.  You know, a joke here and there. ‘Where’d you go to school?’, that kind of thing.  I even showed her the Red Alert App on my Iphone.  Yesterday after the All Clear, I laughed and said ‘See You Soon!’ as I was leaving and she kinda giggled.”

Concerning recent peace efforts, Mr. Schwartz expressed reservations; “If this current ceasefire holds through the weekend, my entire timetable is thrown off“.

When contacted by Daily Freier Staff about Mr. Schwartz’s overtures, “Melissa from Rockland” had no idea in fact who he was.