Tag: Emily Goldstein

Judaism, Pesach April 16, 2017April 22, 2019

Your gentile friend who “just loves loves loves matzoh”? Well she’s an idiot.

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/16/2017 at 9:30 AM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Passover is entering its final 48 hour stretch and Jews as a collective are losing. Their damn. Mind. You forgot what beer tastes like, but somehow you remember it being really nice. No pizza (if you mention matzoh pizza I will hit you. Seriously.) The desserts taste like cardboard sprinkled with Splenda and then put in the oven for an hour or two. (Don’t worry about the exact time. You can’t make it worse.) And there are matzoh crumbs all over your apartment. This sucks.

So this is a perfect time for your college roommate to call and ask how you are enjoying Passover and all of the A-MA-ZING recipes. Remember when you took her to Hillel for matzoh ball soup? And what about matzoh peanut butter and jelly? And OMG did you see the “matzoh gingerbread houses” on Pinterest?

Go to hell.

This is not a game. You’re literally dying over here. And she wants to ask you for your favorite matzoh brei recipe.

How about “fry up matzoh. Add syrup. Wait to cool. Place in trash. Repeat.”

Maybe if you don’t have to eat it for a week straight then matzoh can be a cool ethnic cracker. Or some sort of exotic gluten-free thing. Whatever. It’s basically burnt sawdust. And Monday night you’re just going to stay home, sit on the couch and eat an entire load of bread. By yourself. No cheese. No hummus. No butter. Just bread.

Now she’s calling your mom to ask if she can stop by on Tuesday to get all of their leftover matzoh.

Your mom just said she can take it all right now.

Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv April 8, 2017

Hey Guys! Someone just posted a map of the Shuk on Secret Tel Aviv!

By Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/8/2017 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Sderot Ben Gurion: Citizens of Tel Aviv who decided to saunter on Sderot Ben Gurion on a recent sunny afternoon encountered multiple handmade posters explaining directions to a very specific spot. As for the women of Tel Aviv, the meaning of the poster was quite obvious and their reactions varied from laughing to blushing. But for most Tel Aviv men it still remains a mystery.

The Daily Freier couldn’t miss an opportunity to speak with the city’s baffled male citizens. First, we approached Tal, a married father of two, who was pushing his twins in a stroller. “I’m not sure what this poster means. Is that a new campaign for Waze? They keep coming out with new updates!”

Nadav, who was hauling a few bags of beer from the AM:PM store, stopped and joined our conversation. “I’m not quite sure what it is either but I think it’s…well, you know…emmm…a map of Shuk HaCarmel”. Nadav put his bags on the ground and removed the poster from the street sign in order to add it to his, as he said, “collection of funny stuff”.

Recent Tel Avivi Guy corroborated Nadav’s concerns. “This is so familiar! Yet it’s still a mystery! I know! Let’s post it to Secret Tel Aviv and let the entire city crowdsource the answer!” (SPOILER ALERT: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED)

As we walked down Ben Gurion, we caught alert local Ronit S. in the act of putting up one of the posters on the corner of Ben Yehuda. “Okay Okay, now you know. I can’t keep the secret any longer. I drew the poster. My ex lives on Ben Gurion and that was my message for him….and also my three previous ex boyfriends.”

Daily Freier satire Tel Aviv Israel Apple Store Tinder

Dating and Relationships, Start Up Nation March 4, 2017March 5, 2017

Tinder: 90% of all Tel Avivians’ fantasies involve city getting a real Apple Store

(This photo was not taken in Israel)

By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/4/2017 at 9:30 PM

Dizengoff Center: The popular dating App “Tinder” just announced a shocking revelation about its Israeli market: that fully 90% of all fantasies of users in Greater Tel Aviv involve Tel Aviv actually getting a real Apple Store. Not a knockoff. Not a place that “sends your computer to a lab”. A real Apple Store. Like with a Genius Bar. The Daily Freier went ahead and read some of the hotter testimonials.

A guy named Rami K., who just got busted at Ben Gurion trying to bring the new iPhone back from the States, went into some pretty graphic details. “So in my dream I meet these really hot twins at the beach. And they’re here on a MASA program. And they believe all of my lines about being a combat soldier and owning a Startup… And then they invite me back to their apartment. To ‘watch a movie’. But when I walk in, it’s actually an Apple Store….. and then they…. I’m sorry but this is just too freaky….They fix my MacBook Pro in less than 4 weeks and for less than the cost of buying a new one.”

Then there was Shlomi, who recently switched from trolling Secret Tel Aviv to Tinder. “So in my dream, I get transported to a place that calls itself ‘Startup Nation’. And in this dream, people don’t fly to America to buy a MacBook Air because….. I mean this is kind of weird right?….. the cost of the MacBook Air in Startup Nation is less than the combined cost of the MacBook Air in New York plus a flight ticket….is there like something wrong with me or something?”

The Daily Freier even found out that one of the people sharing their deepest secrets was our very own Guest Writer Mia Deych. “So I keep having this incredibly vivid dream where I meet this guy. And he takes me on an actual date. Like he pays for it and everything. In Tel Aviv. Weird, right? And after dinner we go for a walk and somehow end up in Dizengoff Center Mall. And instead of that ridiculous ‘I-Store’ there was a real no-kidding Apple Store. With helpful and knowledgeable employees. And big giant windows. And they had the latest Apple TV. Oh, and at the end of the dream we were able to find our way out of Dizengoff Center.”

Welcome to Israel.

Aliyah, Dating and Relationships, The IDF November 22, 2016February 24, 2019

“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

But I hooked up with a Golani (Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year. The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.

“I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here. I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”

When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.”

Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.

UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.

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Carlos Danger, Dating and Relationships, Election 2016 November 22, 2016January 18, 2017

Anthony Weiner busted for sexting underage horse

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 7:00 PM

Nunnelly, Tennessee: Troubled former Congressman/Freakiest Jew we know/Twitter aficionado/Huma’s Ex, Anthony Weiner is in the spotlight once again, after a filly he rode at his sex addiction clinic claimed that they have been engaged in an online sexting relationship since soon after his arrival at the rural Tennessee locale. “Lightning”, a 3-year-old Palomino, claims that she first initiated contact with Mr. Weiner based on her admiration for his progressive values, but that the conversation quickly took a different turn.

“When Anthony first got here, I was just so excited. I followed him in Congress when he stood up for Medicaid and 9/11 First Responders, and just wanted to thank him for everything he did for the Progressive Cause. I never thought things would get weird and sexual. OK….. I mean we’re talking Anthony Weiner, so I thought ‘ Hey, maybe things will get weird and sexual‘, but then I was like ‘But hey! I’m a horse!‘ You know what I’m saying?”

Yet that is exactly what happened. Lightning, who won’t be a mare until next Spring, continued. “Soon our chats got freakier and freakier. I knew things were spinning out of control when he asked for pictures of me posing without a saddle.”

As the Daily Freier dug deeper into the story, Lightning admitted that she leaked the story after finding out that Mr. Weiner was also exchanging texts with a Clydesdale named Ruby, an Apaloosa named Far Lap, and a Shetland Pony. “So yeah. Not only was he a bit of a freak, but he was a two, three, four-timing freak.” Lightning stopped for a moment to pick at the alfalfa in her feed bag. “Meeting a nice guy shouldn’t be this difficult.”

When the Daily Freier challenged Lightning that her story was a bit incredulous, she countered. “What…You never heard of a talking horse?”

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Israellycool, Peter Beinart, Tikkun Olam November 15, 2016March 23, 2017

Peter Beinart Criticizes Israel For Its Lack of Interest in Peter Beinart

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/15/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats. His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?”

(The Daily Freier Appears on Israellycool Today! Stop by and Check it Out!)

Fashion, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living October 25, 2016October 24, 2018

Tel Aviv is going crazy for new Perfume “Sherut Number 5”

(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/25/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: The city’s “Who’s Who” are just about losing their minds about the hot new perfume hitting the streets: “Sherut Number 5“, inspired by the smell of a Tel Aviv shared taxi. The Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz attended the product launch today by Dizengoff Square and spoke with the designers of this hot new product.

Lead designer Orit K. explained the origins of the perfume. “So last year, we launched ‘Tahanah Merkazit’, the cologne for men who want to smell like the Central Bus Station. And the reaction was great. But a lot of women in Tel Aviv were left asking ‘So when will there be a product that also lets US smell like cigarette smoke, B.O, and poor decisions?’ So here we are. Welcome to Israel.”

Product testing Team Leader Stav C. then interjected to explain how they created the specific ingredients for Sherut Number 5. “On Thursday nights, our teams would get on the Sherut at Rothschild and ride all the way to Ibn Gavriol. They took atmosphere samples as they picked up and dropped off passengers. We really wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the secretions, and the smells that make Sherut Number 5 so special“.

Orit cautioned us that the product was incredibly powerful and offered the testimony of local guy “Yoav”, who initially attended today’s product launch because he saw women and a table of free food. “I don’t know what happened, but when I smelled the perfume on the spokesmodels, all of my critical thinking skills went out the window. I felt as if I needed to hit on them no matter how ridiculous my game was or how inappropriate the timing. It was like…. like….. like I ran into a busload of girls on Birthright.”

Sherut Number 5 will be in stores early next week, and they offer shipping to Europe and North America for Chanukah.

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BDS September 17, 2016August 30, 2018

Womens’ Gaza Flotilla delayed after getting Lost & stopping for Directions

Womens Gaza flotilla Daily Freier By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/17/2016 at 9:00 AM

Barcelona: A Women-Only “Flotilla to Gaza” has run into an unexpected problem after getting lost somewhere between Barcelona and Sardinia. The Flotilla, which set out to show Solidarity with ~~a regime that promotes Honor Killings and Polygamy~~ the women of Gaza, has been at sea for four days and according to the latest Blog entry of Bree Skyfire-Williams, one of the Ship’s four Co-Captains, they have “like no idea where they are” and “need to maybe stop another ship and ask for directions or something.” The Daily Freier was able to communicate further with the crew via What’s-App whenever they got some decent Wi-Fi.

“I think our problems started before we even got on the boat.” explained Jade, who took a month off of work from her job at the World Bank in order to participate. Jade, who was appointed to the Packing and Supply Committee, described the chain of events. “I mean our Ships’ Manifest didn’t account for everyone packing way too much stuff for the trip.” To further drive home this point, Jade showed us the packing list of Melissa from the (Fair Trade) Coffee Committee:

“A cold weather outfit, a warm weather outfit, some formal wear in case we go some place nice, a hat, boots, my laptop, Uggs, a yoga mat, yoga pants, French press, a little black dress, 5 swimsuits, hair dryer, 9 pairs of shoes, waffle iron, Crocs, coconut oil, scrunchies, my journal, crystals, ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho, a headscarf, and my rice cooker.”

Jade continued. “Now just multiply that by 20 women, and, well, we had to unload the two boxes of stuff we had for Gaza.”

The boat suffered a further delay when after stopping to ask some Moroccan fishermen how to get to “The Occupied Territories“, the fishermen directed the boat to Ceuta and Melilla.

As the ship continued to flounder lost at sea, Hanin Zoabi attempted to steer the ship “properly“, leaving some hurt feelings. Bree explained. “I just feel that Hanin’s tone was being like, really hurtful? The navigation committee worked on our planned route for like six months? And changing course is a really big step? I just think we really need to discuss this. And discuss. And discuss. And discuss.”

In a separate conversation, Laurel provided a counterpoint to Bree’s contention. “I don’t want to say that she’s jealous, but ever since I was elected to chair the meals and snacks committee, Bree has just been making some real sniping comments without actually contributing to any of the constructive dialogue.”

When Bree got wind of Laurel’s position, she replied. “I mean, this is coming from a very deep and sacred place? But I really can’t stand Laurel.”

While the Israeli Navy has demonstrated a noted sense of relief from the Flotilla’s Delay, they maintain a contingency plan: an all-Frechot boarding team consisting of Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav.

At last report, the Flotilla had diverted to Tuscany in order to go antiquing this Sunday.

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Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living August 3, 2016November 3, 2019

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date’s living room

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date's living room By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Street: A complex yet disturbing chain of events played out last night in Tel Aviv that culminated in a woman discovering that the “gross” couch that she threw away on Friday has somehow found a new home in the living room of her Tinder date. Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. found herself face to face with her former couch at the end of an evening spent getting drinks with local guy Eitan C. This morning Tamar described the chain of events to the Daily Freier.

“I threw it away because it’s disgusting. My old housemate Noa loved it, but apparently not enough to bring it with her when she moved out. I even waited 24 hours after she left before I got rid of that thing, just in case she came back for it. It was so gross that my Vaad Bayit wouldn’t even take it.”

Tamar expressed total disappointment with her date’s acquisition of the former couch. “This sucks. He seemed normal. I mean not ‘normal normal‘, but like ‘Tel Aviv normal‘: like he seems sane and I think he has a job and I’m kinda sure he’s straight. Actually, I’m sure he’s straight because that chair is a stylistic Hate Crime.”

When the evening led back to Eitan’s place “so he could make me a special coffee with cardamom that he learned how to make in Morocco“, Tamar experienced the horror of confronting her ex-furniture. “It was traumatic. He immediately lost 10 points. What’s worse is that he claimed he got it at an antique shop in Yafo. I mean…really? I just don’t get it. Why do these things always happen to me?”

While Tamar has been mum on the final outcome of yesterday’s evening, sources within her circle of girlfriends spoke with the Daily Freier under condition of anonymity and shared screenshots of Tamar’s texts from last night

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Secret Tel Aviv June 13, 2016June 27, 2019

Panic after Secret Tel Aviv reader copulates with Keep Olim in Israel reader

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/13/2016 at 3:10 PM

Tel Aviv: A wave of fear mixed with confusion has swept the nation upon news that a reader of the Facebook Page “Secret Tel Aviv” has mated in the wild with a reader of the Facebook Group “Keep Olim in Israel“. Apparently an unidentified male reader of the popular Tel Aviv message board/insect identification service/underwear Lost & Found/place to advertise the availability of your friends for dating/place to sell “someone else’s” adult movie collection met an unidentified female reader of the Immigrant Mutual-Assistance/Advocacy Group that maintains nothing but totally relaxed and easygoing conversations on its Facebook page. At a Secret Tel Aviv Job Fair. Or the Dancing Camel. Not totally sure on the details.

Friends of the unidentified male, known as “Yonatan Doe” noted that “he ran pretty good game” upon meeting the unidentified female (known as “Chava Doe“) and ended up “meeting for drinks” later that evening. Upon Chava Doe meeting her girlfriends for brunch the next day, word of the encounter spread quickly, first through the city and then throughout the country as a whole. This afternoon Prime Minister Netanyahu convened his Cabinet, while the Home Command held Emergency Response Exercises. The Daily Freier spoke to experts Gideon B. and Alex G. from the Technion for their opinions on this development.

“What we are looking at is a potential Humanitarian Disaster.” explained Technion researcher Gideon B. “As the drama of the Keep Olim reader merges with the Obtuse Chutzpadik of the Secret Tel Aviv reader, any possible offspring from the encounter would be infused with a combination of traits that could alter history as we know it……. What I’m saying is that in 30 years we could be ruled by a caste of Easily Offended, Self-Absorbed Overlords.”

“I told Johnny not to hold the Job Fair.” explained Alex G. “The risks were too great. There was too much of a chance that something could go wrong. The authorities really need to do something to stop this. But I’m afraid it may already be too late.”

BREAKING: In an effort to end the crisis, a multi-Party Coalition to include President Rivlin, Tzipi Livni, Amir Peretz, and Zehava Gal-On have sent Chava Doe a What’s-App message informing her that she can totally do better.

(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.