Tag: Secret Tel Aviv

Guest Writer Wednesday, Start Up Nation

Google launches new App: “Israeli Standard Time”
Google launches Hot New App: “Israeli Timing” Daily Freier
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/15/2016 at 3:00 PM

Herzliya Pituah: You are coming to a party half an hour late, because you don’t want to pay the cover charge/wait in line/because on Facebook it says that the party starts at 9….. and the door is simply locked and a brutal looking security guy is trying to explain that you arrived too early. Like “half an hour late early“???

Ok, lesson learned! But the next week you are invited to a house party, you show up an hour (fashionably!) late, and the host is on his way to the shower wrapped in a towel and looks at you as you as if you had just fallen down from the moon. Sound familiar? Google Israel decided to solve this Olim problem and launch a new application “Israeli Standard Time“.

The app will get access to your calendar, Facebook, and WhatsApp in order to adjust your perceptions of time and space to the “more flexible” Israeli reality-based local timing based on the Middle Eastern traditions of punctuality. Now you don’t need to worry if you should come to an event two or three hours late to be on time – the application tracks Facebook “check-ins” and selfies posted to Instagram to let you know when the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire and it’s about time to show up.

Having trouble setting up meetings with Israelis? Let Israeli Standard Time do the job for you. The app automatically changes ETA based on the historical tardiness of your phone contacts. Next time, when you are supposed to meet at 7 pm, and you are getting a message at 6.58 PM that “I’m running 5 minutes late”, you don’t need to figure out if you should leave your apartment or if you can read a few more posts on Secret Tel Aviv. Israeli Timing automatically adjusts the message to read “I’m running 30 minutes late”. Winning!

The Application can be linked into Moovit, Waze and GetTaxi to make sure you are always “on time” in the amazing Startup Nation.

Secret Tel Aviv

Panic after Secret Tel Aviv reader copulates with Keep Olim in Israel reader

panic-koim-secret-tel-avivBy Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/13/2016 at 3:10 PM

Tel Aviv:  A wave of fear mixed with confusion has swept the nation upon news that a reader of the Facebook Page “Secret Tel Aviv”  has mated in the wild with a reader of the Facebook Group “Keep Olim in Israel“. Apparently an unidentified  male reader of the popular Tel Aviv message board/insect identification service/underwear Lost & Found/place to advertise the availability of your friends for dating/place to sell “someone else’s” adult movie collection met an unidentified female reader of the Immigrant Mutual-Assistance/Advocacy Group that maintains nothing but totally relaxed and easygoing conversations on its Facebook page.  At a Secret Tel Aviv Job Fair. Or the Dancing Camel. Not totally sure on the details.

Friends of the unidentified male, known as “Yonatan Doe” noted that “he ran pretty good game” upon meeting the unidentified female (known as “Chava Doe“) and ended up “meeting for drinks” later that evening. Upon Chava Doe meeting her girlfriends for brunch the next day, word of the encounter spread quickly, first through the city and then throughout the country as a whole.  This afternoon Prime Minister Netanyahu convened his Cabinet, while the Home Command held Emergency Response Exercises.  The Daily Freier spoke to experts Gideon B. and Alex G. from the Technion for their opinions on this development.

“What we are looking at is a potential Humanitarian Disaster.” explained Technion researcher Gideon B. “As the drama of the Keep Olim reader merges with the Obtuse Chutzpadik of the Secret Tel Aviv reader, any possible offspring from the encounter would be infused with a combination of traits that could alter history as we know it……. What I’m saying is that in 30 years we could be ruled by a caste of Easily Offended, Self-Absorbed Overlords.”

“I told Johnny not to hold the Job Fair.” explained Alex G. “The risks were too great.  There was too much of a chance  that something could go wrong.  The authorities really need to do something to stop this. But I’m afraid it may already be too late.”

BREAKING: In an effort to end the crisis, a multi-Party Coalition to include President Rivlin, Tzipi Livni, Amir Peretz, and Zehava Gal-On have sent Chava Doe a What’s-App message informing her that she can totally do better.

Aliyah, The IDF

Lone Soldier has “No Idea” where Roommate’s Food Went

Lone Soldier totally not stealing your foodBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/5/2016 at 11:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Frischman: Tel Aviv resident Rachel G. is at her wit’s end.  After returning from a weekend in Haifa, her refrigerator is empty. And nobody has been in the apartment except her roommate Danny, a Lone Soldier. Yet Danny has told her that the status of the food is a mystery to him as well.

“I just don’t get it.” Rachel explained. “I mean, we didn’t know each other before he responded to my ad on Secret Tel Aviv, but we get along fine. He’s been really good about finding things on the street for the apartment.  Just last week he found a mattress, a yoga mat, and a guitar.  And when my parents were in town, he was totally cool with coming to dinner with us at Sarona Market. I mean, they paid, but still.” Rachel continued to mull over the situation. “I just feel betrayed. You know, it’s the ketchup packets from Burger Ranch that hurts the most.”

Fellow Lone soldier Jeremy C. shared his suspicions with the daily Freier. “I guess I figured something was up when I stopped by to play Xbox and he offered me a tuna sandwich. Also, he has a new hat. Yeah, something just doesn’t make sense.”

When Jeremy confronted him about his sudden sandwich-production capability, Danny’s alibi was that he already has “lots of canned food that he stole from miluim last week“. Which has the ring of truth to it.

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Judaism, Secret Tel Aviv

Ancient clay tablet ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ uncovered during Light Rail excavation

Ancient Secret Tel Aviv the Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/14/2016 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv Haganah: Construction workers excavating Tel Aviv’s Light Rail Line made an amazing discovery yesterday: the earliest known recording of the Secret Tel Aviv website and Facebook page. “Secret Ur of the Chaldeans” which later morphed into “Secret Harran“, then “Secret Land of Canaan” and then “Secret Eretz Yisrael“, was a message board recorded in ancient Hebrew and later Aramaic on clay bricks in which the people of the day were able to ask perfect strangers how to solve their batshit crazy personal problems, how to evade Customs Fees when bringing items back from the Babylonian Exile, and how to identify an insect that they found in their granary. The Daily Freier went to the scene to smell the excitement.

Hebrew University Professor of Antiquities Nadav S.  explained the importance of the finding to the Daily Freier. “What this discovery shows is really a snapshot of life before the Common Era.”  Professor Nadav picked up a clay shard and began to read aloud.

“So if you’re like a King? And you see a really hot woman sunning herself on her roof, but she’s married? And her husband is an Achi but he’s not an ‘Achi Achi’. So you send her husband off to do Miluim, because hey, you’re the King, and he like dies? After that is it OK to hook up with her?…….Asking for a friend.”

Nadav continued. “What is fascinating is that the tablets show a continuous narrative of the self-absorbed going back over 3,000 years.” The Professor grabbed another shard at random and read it.

“Hi Secret Land of Canaan this is Sarah. I’m a new Olah. So my husband found this nice cave in Hebron, which is over the Green Line but whatever.  Anyway, the landlord seems like a psycho.  Let’s call him ‘Ephraim’. And I think he’s a Hittite. Can I say that? Is that racist? Anyway, he wants 12 post-dated checks plus someone from another tribe to co-sign for the cave. Is that normal?”

Nadav turned the shard over to reveal responses from passers-by. “What is fascinating is that random Israelites stopped what they were doing to provide advice to this woman seeking a cave. One person suggested that she go back to her original place of birth.  Another person said “Welcome to the Land of Canaan” which appears to be the earliest recorded use of sarcasm. And another guy appeared to have sent her a ‘Private Parchment Message“.

Professor Nadav stressed that the problems faced by our ancestors on “Secret Harran” are very similar to the problems people write about today on Secret Tel Aviv:

“So I really connected with this girl but she’s like Super Super Mizrahi. I mean I had to get her family’s permission to go on a date with her.  Anyway, when I went to the house to meet her Dad, somehow he tricked me into going into business with him. And then he fixes me up with his other daughter, but the thing is she….. has a really nice personality. So now the Dad says if I stay with his agricultural supply company for a couple more years then he will let me date the first daughter too. Anyway Secret Harran…… has anybody else been through this?  Is this nuts? Am I in too deep?”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, construction workers uncovered the first recorded instance of somebody getting banned from “Secret Land of Canaan“.

 

 

 

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Pesach

Tel Aviv Waitress suspects there is some sort of Holiday this week

tel-aviv-waitress-suspects-there-is-some-sort-of-holiday-this-week1By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/26/2016 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Local waitress Anat S. can’t quite pinpoint it, but something is different around town.  Ever since she drove back from the big dinner at her parents’ house in Holon on Friday, some people have just been acting….weird. Anat sat down with the Daily Freier to share her observations.

“So a customer asked if we had pastries made without wheat flour.  And I was like ‘You mean like gluten-free? Of course!‘ And I brought them out some gluten-free muffins. And the guy just stared at me.  Like what’s his problem?”

Anat munched  on a pita and shared another life event from this week. “I don’t know what it is. But I’m definitely feeling different vibes this week.  Like two hours ago, these French tourists came in and asked me if we had a “hescher“.  I said ‘I don’t know. Would you like to see if it’s on the menu?‘ And then they left.  At first I thought that they were just being French.  But then an English couple walked in and asked the same thing. And they were wearing those little things on their heads. So I handed them a menu and asked them to point to what they wanted.  And they left too. Strange.”

Anat continued. “I pride myself in being observant. But I can’t figure out what’s different. I mean, Why is this week different from all other weeks?”

Finally, she gave up. “I guess I’ll just ask on Secret Tel Aviv”

 

 

Secret Tel Aviv

Maccabi Health outsources Therapy & Counseling requests to Secret Tel Aviv

Maccabi Health

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/18/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Basel: So you submitted a request to see a therapist last week online.  And now you’ve stopped by the Maccabi Office, taken a number, and walked down the stairs into their sketchy as hell waiting room.  You just need the Tofes 17 Form and then you can go see a therapist.  This is really important.  Being an Olah Hadashah is not easy.  And then there’s the school thing.  And your ex. And your mom.  And you made more per hour working for McDonalds 10 years ago than you make working for Nefesh now.

So anyway, all you  need is the approval form and you will be on your way!  But wait. The lady denied your claim.  Apparently Maccabi is cutting costs. She wants you to post your problems on Secret Tel Aviv “And they’ll take care of you”.

You: But that’s nuts!

Woman (Nava?): Welcome to Israel

You: But these are really personal problems!

Nava: Have you READ Secret Tel Aviv lately?

You: But they’re not professionals!

Nava: 90,000 people can’t be wrong.

You: But what if I have other questions?  Like what if I need to identify an insect I found in my kitchen?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: But what if I find a stranger’s underwear in my laundry?  Huh?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: But what if I need to find out what time the Shuk closes?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: This actually sounds pretty good. Thank you so much!

Nava: No problem.  Hey, do you have some place to go for Seder? We’re going to my Uncle’s house in Hadera.  You should come with us.

Shameless Self Promotion

Protest in Kikar Rabin Demands Answers: Is the Daily Freier Real?

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/7/2016 at 2:50 PM

Tel Aviv: With the city still reeling from yesterday’s bombshell article exposing the relationship between the FOREX Industry and hookups, concerned citizens are now meeting up in public to demand answers from their elected leaders on today’s burning question: Is the Daily Freier for Real or What???? By this afternoon, hundreds of city residents had gathered in Kikar Rabin to demonstrate their concern and ensure their voices were heard.  The Daily Freier wandered over to help investigate itself.

“I don’t know what to think anymore.” stated an obviously distraught Adi H.  “I get all of my news from the Daily Freier.  That’s how I learned that a talking Israeli bird caught spying in Lebanon joined ‘Breaking the Silence’.  Yet none of the so-called ‘real news sources’ would touch the story.”

“The Daily Freier sucks.” complained  Avi T. “They tell nothing but lies.  They said that Secret Tel Aviv was getting so out of control that it had become a self-aware entity. So I cited them for my Term Paper on Artificial Intelligence at Hebrew University, and my professor failed me.  I [freaking] hate those liars.”

Yet some loyal readers continued to defend the Daily Freier. “It’s a must-read for me.” explained alert local Ronit S. “I mean, weather, horoscope, fashion, everything.  Just last week I was really concerned because an Olah Hadashah was feared missing.  I mean, get this….  she was here for 3 days and STILL HAD NOT STARTED A BLOG!  I know! How crazy is that? So I was really excited when I found out that she was OK and hanging out at Mike’s Place!”

As the story went to print, a prominent national politician volunteered to go undercover in Tel Aviv dressed as a native in order to the bottom of this mystery.

 

 

 

Dating and Relationships, FOREX/Binary Options, Start Up Nation

Tel Aviv Man Turns Down Hookup “Because She Works in FOREX”

FOREXIUSUPDATE: People Of Tel Aviv! This is satire! We made it all up! Please stop hassling the guy in the photo. He did not say or do the things in this article!

But FOREX still sucks.

Hugs,
The Daily Freier

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By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 7:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Local guy Tzion likes women. A lot. We mean, like a lot a lot. In fact, on a trip to Rome, a man in the piazza once admonished Tzion to be more subtle and nuanced in his pickup attempts….. But there are things that even he won’t do when it comes to the pursuit of women.  Like hook up with a girl who works in FOREX or Binary Options. Tzion sat down with the Daily Freier to explain the moral stand he is taking.

“So everything started fine. We were listening to Johnny Cash songs, and I was explaining to her how each song was really about sex.  You might call this crazy, but I call this ‘Tuesdays’ …… And then it gets even better……. She says she wants to meet up later that night but she that she didn’t want a relationship because she was headed to South America tomorrow for 3 months. And her housemates are out-of-town. Oh yeah and she’s a twin.”

“So anyway, after a half hour she told me to meet at her apartment on Balfour but that she had to get up early for work.  I asked her where she worked and she said “FOREX” …….. So I told her that I had to take care of a sick friend and then wash my hair.  Then I walked home.”

The Daily Freier challenged Tzion on how he could turn down such an opportunity, but he was adamant. “There have to be standards of conduct in society.  I mean, if I went home with her, I couldn’t live with myself. FOREX is like selling your soul. And  you’re talking to a guy who has changed his IP address 3 times to get around the Administrators of J-Date and their stupid rules about fake profiles.”

Tzion continued to explain his code of conduct. “Look, everyone has issues. I mean, I’ve been banned from Secret Tel Aviv six times. And last year I got busted by the Misrad HaPnim for impersonating an Oleh from Argentina so that I could hook up with French girls in Ulpan. But FOREX and Binary options? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”

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Aliyah, The IDF

Lone Soldier Accidentally Buys Something

Lone Soldier Accidentally Buys Something Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/26/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: In a move described by the city’s in-crowd as “revolutionary”, “earth shattering”, and “paradigm smashing”, an IDF Lone Soldier living in Tel Aviv bought something.  Using money.  Not at a discounted rate. From a store.  Not from Secret Tel Aviv.  The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to break this story to the public.

“I needed a hat.” explained Danny as he sipped a beer at a local bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda. “I’m going to the Negev for a concert tomorrow and I needed a hat.” Danny, originally from the United States, described his predicament. “I was going to jump on Secret Tel Aviv and ask for a free hat, but my idiot neighbor decided to password protect his Wi-Fi last week, and I didn’t feel like walking down the street to check Facebook outside the Sushi place with a hotspot.  So anyway, I was walking down Dizengoff  on my way to the Lone Soldier’s Center for dinner, and I was like…..’Hey I need a hat. And they sell hats here.’ So I like, bought. A hat.” Danny stared across the bar in disbelief as the news sunk in. “I know…. I’m just as confused as you are.”

Word of Danny’s extravagant purchase spread like wildfire throughout the Olim Community, with some very strong opinions. “Oh, so I guess Moneybags just ‘buys hats’ now. Must be nice.” chided fellow Lone Soldier Jeremy C. , who continued to criticize Danny’s actions until abruptly ending the conversation a minute later. “Please excuse me. It says on ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ that somebody is moving back to Australia and giving away dry pasta and a futon.  I gotta roll.”

As the Daily Freier concluded the interview, Danny asked if we were going to finish our pizza or what.

Aliyah

Oleh Hadash Realizes Every Item He Owns Was Found on the Sidewalk

IMG_3384

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/20/2016 at 12:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Recent American immigrant Doron D. has just had an epiphany: every single piece of clothing, furniture, and kitchenware that he owns was found on the curb or the sidewalk, with the exception of his Yoga Mat, which he got for free off of Secret Tel Aviv.

As an Oleh Hadash, Doron feels as if his actions are in fact honoring his ancestors who lived off the land he walks today. When the Daily Freier asked him for an example, Doron described how he found his mattress. “So I was walking down Ibn Gavriol, and, there it was. Kinda used, but I’ve seen worse.  Usually I would be grossed out by the smell of pee. But then I thought about where I am and what I’m doing with my life, and I realized that this is the Jewish state and the Jewish people didn’t survive for three thousand years by turning up free crap they found on the street. “

Despite his good fortune, Doron explained that his thrift has its drawbacks.  “So I had a girl over the other night for dinner and she saw the Osem cardboard display cases that I use as shelves in my living room. She asked me where I got them and I told her that I found them behind the Super Yuda store …..Then she took a cab home because she was tired and had to work in the morning.”

Sometimes Doron’s survival strategy works out in such a way as to create a public Mitzvah. “Somebody on Janglo was giving away a free guitar. So this other girl wanted the guitar because she is going off to study Hebrew at a Kibbutz up North, but I snagged it first.  She’s kinda upset, but I’ve heard her play.  Like EVERYONE on that Kibbutz should thank me. I mean EVERYBODY.”

We had a bunch of other questions for Doron, but as we were walking he saw somebody across the street  putting an old denim jean jacket on a park bench and he left without saying goodbye.

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