Tag: Secret Tel Aviv

Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv Post by Woman Who Found Mystery Boxers in Her Laundry Leads to Long Term Relationship, Restraining Orders

Screen Shot 2019-02-07 at 11.48.44 AM(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

(EDITOR’S NOTE:  Based on a True Story!)

(We made it all up. Except for the part where somebody on Secret Tel Aviv posted a  pic of some dude’s boxers that she found in her laundry. That’s real. –The Freier Legal Dept.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/13/2016 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaBima: Israel’s modern day Cinderella story has turned from happiness to cautionary urban tale. It all started with a post on popular website Secret Tel Aviv, in which Canadian Olah Lisa K. wrote about the pair of men’s boxers she found mixed in with her clothes upon return from a local laundry service. This post in turn led to a series of replies from concerned locals that almost crashed Secret Tel Aviv’s server. But in the end, it also led to a long-term relationship with local guy Shlomi D, followed by court-ordered restraining orders against one another. The Daily Freier sat down with Shlomi for his take on this unfolding tragedy.

“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”

Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house.  But he had to work the next morning.  So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home.  Some people have a walk of shame.  I had a Car Pool of shame.”

Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry.  So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”

Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big.  And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”

In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”

Fallout from the post continues to be felt across the State of Israel. Upon reading the original post, experts from the Technion concluded that this in fact brought Secret Tel Aviv one step closer to becoming a self-aware entity capable of generating its own absurd posts independent of human input. Additionally, the Daily Freier was embarrassed to admit that by failing to anticipate this scenario, it is now forced to update its Random Secret Tel Aviv Post Generator.

According to well-placed sources within Lisa’s circle of friends, the restraining orders have not prevented at least two incidents of “sex with the ex” since January.

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Secret Tel Aviv

Daily Freier forced to Retract Satire about Guy who tries to Sell his Porn Collection on Secret Tel Aviv …..after Guy tries to Sell his Porn Collection on Secret Tel Aviv

dude sells his adult movie collection on secret tel aviv(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/25/2016 at 7:30 PM

Tel Aviv- The City’s literary community is in turmoil this evening as publishing giant “The Daily Freier” was forced to perform an embarrassing retraction of an article. The newspaper of record had prepared its daily edition with a humorous yet satirical story about a guy who seeks to sell “someone else’s” pornography collection on the popular website “Secret Tel Aviv”.  Yet early this evening officials from the Israeli Bureau of Literary and Publishing Standards served a notice at the Daily Freier’s Central Tel Aviv office that the satirical story that it had just created was identical to a real life event: a guy trying to sell “someone else’s” pornography collection on the popular website “Secret Tel Aviv”. 

Officials from the Bureau explained their strict enforcement of the law: “It is very important for the Israeli public that satire stay within the realm of satire and not enter the realm of real world events.” noted Investigator Yair C.  “Just last Spring we shut down an operation that had written a satirical piece about a guy who ran a casino with hookers and drugs in the Balkans and then got himself elected to the Knesset.”

For their part, Daily Freier staff were humiliated by the spectacle. “You don’t know how much research goes into each article.” noted ‘Pulse of the City’ section editor Darren B. “This was an incredible oversight on our part. Our interns labor mightily on the Internets to ensure that a satirical event never actually occurred. That way we don’t write a satirical piece about a guy checking Secret Tel Aviv for a Rave Dance Party that offers babysitting.  Really though, our biggest fear is that as the posts continue to get weirder and weirder, it is only a matter of time before Secret Tel Aviv becomes a self-aware entity.”

When asked if he had any closing remarks about the unfortunate events today, Darren asked “Say you wouldn’t know if the collection has been sold yet would you? ……Asking for a friend.”

 

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Bikes, Facial Hair

Half of Tel Aviv Under Arrest After Witness Describes Bike Theft Suspect as “Guy with Sort of a Hipster Beard”

(Photo Credit: The Artist Formerly Known as Snir)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/12/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Approximately 46% of the city is in police custody today after a man spotted stealing a bicycle on Allenby was described by eyewitnesses as “brown or black hair, with sort of a hipster beard. Possibly a man bun, but maybe not”.  The Daily Freier went down to Police Headquarters to check out the balagan first-hand.

With thousands of men milling around in giant makeshift holding pens, Jabotinsky between Dizengoff and Ben Yehuda Streets was completely cut off to traffic.  The police shouted orders to the assembled men by bullhorn, but to little effect. It appeared that the prisoners had themselves issued a list of demands, to include: better Wi-Fi, some coffee hafuch, rolling papers, more outlets to charge their I-Phones, and Krembo.

Despite the chaos, the Daily Freier was able to speak to those citizens who had assisted the authorities in their investigation. Alert local Ronit S. witnessed the theft and immediately went to the police to provide a statement.  “So I went to Headquarters and sat down with a sketch artist and described the guy who stole the bike. But when he was done drawing, the picture looked kinda like my last three ex-boyfriends. Oh yeah, I also told the cops that I overheard the suspect talk about his trip to Southeast Asia and that he was thinking of joining a start-up. Wait. Why are you laughing at me? I thought I was being helpful!”

As the city adjusts to the mass incarceration, the effects are already being felt. At least 22 coffee shops failed to open today due to a lack of employees.  In addition, Birthright Israel reported much more efficient movement of their tours throughout the city, unimpeded by guys approaching the women in their groups because they “just want to talk to you for a second”. The Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” crashed after 12,000 people asked, “for a friend”, how to bail yourself out of jail, create a makeshift pipe out of an apple and tinfoil, and/or which pizza places will deliver to jail. Over 5000 “arrested selfies” were also uploaded to the site before the server went down.

While incarcerated, four of the detainees have already collaborated on an app that allows you to crowd-source prison break attempts with other people currently detained in the same jail as you.

 

Dogs

“Our Dogs Were Not Compatible” Now Acceptable Grounds for Divorce at Tel Aviv District Court

getty_rf_photo_of_dog_sitting_between_couple

(Photo Credit: Getty Images)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 1/8/2016 at 11:10 AM

Tel Aviv, Weizmann: In a sign of the changing times that we live in, Tel Aviv’s Municipal Court is amending its laws for approving the granting of a divorce. Starting January 1st, “Our Dogs Were Not Compatible” is now a legally binding grounds for divorce under the civil laws of the State of Israel for couples who have resided within Tel Aviv city limits for at least one calendar year. 

“Think of this as the Judicial System meeting a remarkably self-absorbed city halfway.” explained Senior Judge Yekutiel S. “The court is also currently contemplating whether to permit a divorce when one partner states that they want to move north of the Yarkon River or East of Ayalon Highway.”

In order to get a sense of the human side of this ruling, the Daily Freier spoke to the unfortunate litigants of a civil divorce as they departed the courtroom.

“When I first met Danny, everything was great.” explained a tearful Smadar R. “He seemed to really like Chris, my Lhasa Apso. But then six months after we got married he decided he wanted a chocolate lab. He said he always wanted one growing up in America.  I told him that this would make Chris upset.  And besides, by then it was illegal in the city to own a normal sized dog. But no. He just HAD to have a chocolate lab.  And yada yada yada we’re here in divorce court.”

After Smadar’s departure, the Daily Freier was able to have some words with Danny as well. “Really?” he noted sarcastically; “She’s still going on about Chris?  Did I mention that Chris has its own dog therapist?  Second of all, she named her dog Chris.  WTF? Like Who does that?  And with her accent it was always ‘Kreees! Kreees!‘ I still hear that shit in my sleep…..Wait, did she ask anything else about me?”

In order to prevent circumvention of the law by parties that did not meet residency requirements, the Court requires extensive documentation of Tel Aviv residency. However, the Court has a number of venues to establish proof of residency to include Arnona bills, old bracelets from Biggie Z, screenshots of  a blog you started and then stopped when you made Aliyah, archived questions that you asked on Secret Tel Aviv (Asking “on behalf of a friend” is also accepted), and a sworn/notarized statement from your juice guy that he saw you around a lot.

For a moment, The Daily Freier thought about writing a little about the Beit Din, but the last time we did that we got jumped by a bunch of yeshiva bochers and now we can’t go back to Tzfat any more.

Start Up Nation

New Google Glass-Israel Edition Cause Everything You See Here To Make Sense

800px-google_glass_user_at_the_wikimania_2014_opening(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/18/2015 at 1:30 PM

Herzliya Pituach: Start-Up Nation has done it again, as Google unveiled the new “Israel Edition” of its famed Google Glass franchise.  Google Israel spokesperson Dalit K. addressed an excited tech media at the company’s Herzliya campus.

“With our new Israel Edition of Google Glass, the absurd things that happen to a user here are received as images, broken down into data packages, reconfigured, and received by the user’s eyes as normal every day activity. But we want to test it, so we will now drive the Google Bus around Greater Tel Aviv giving the Israeli public a chance to experience “Google Israel Glasses” first hand.”  The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along on this historic ride through Tel Aviv with the Google Bus.

“OMG these are Amazing!!!” shared recent Olah Rachel C.  “So right now I’m driving into the Namal Port Shopping Outlet and a heavyset 50-year-old shirtless guy holding a clipboard is now directing traffic. So I am just going to stop, slip on my Google Israel glasses, wait for the man to wave me on, and keep driving! Problem solved!  Thank you, random shirtless guy!  And thank YOU, Google Glass- Israeli Edition! Hey…. can I borrow these for a few minutes?  I need to go online and check Secret Tel Aviv!”

The Google Bus then stopped at Tel Aviv Savidor Central Train Station and spoke with commuter Yonatan S. while he debited his “Rav-Kav” transit pass at a kiosk. “So the money I load for the trains on my Rav-Kav can’t be used for buses in Tel Aviv….which can’t be used for buses in Jerusalem…which can’t be used for inter-city buses. Oh and you only have space for 8 different transportation companies. So I put on the glasses, and, <bang!> it was like, “Of COURSE it’s like that…. You know, I should’ve gotten these a long time ago.”

The Daily Freier was then able to render assistance to several confused Dutch tourists.  “I do not understand. We traveled from Ben Gurion and got out at Savidor because everyone said it’s the Central Train Station.  But it isn’t actually central to ANYTHING! What the hell?” cried a confused and exhausted Esmee G.   At this point the Daily Freier handed Esmee a pair of Google-Israel Glasses and she calmed down immediately and rallied her friends. “OK guys, let’s walk to our hotel on Hayarkon Street.  It’s only 2 miles.  Thank you Google Israel Glass!”

Not everyone was impressed with the glasses.  Alert local Ronit S. disdainfully tried on the glasses. “OK big deal. Whatever. Nothing’s changed.  What a rip-off…..Hey, I gotta go.  I need to get these documents to the Ministry of the Interior before they close at noon. And they only accept them by fax.”

Based on the early success of their “Israel Glasses”, Google plans a new version specifically for Haaretz subscribers called “The Amira” that make everything that one sees  appear to be caused by “The Occupation” and basically all our fault.

The first copies of Google-Israel Glasses will be available at participating stores early next week, except for people who have gone on Birthright, who apparently for years have been issued them the moment they get off the plane.

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Secret Tel Aviv

Build Your Own Secret Tel Aviv Post!

Build your own Secret Tel Aviv post!** Updated January 18th 2016: Newer, Bigger, Weirder!

Greetings Tel Aviv! Ever wanted to write your own post for the site  Secret Tel Aviv but you’re afraid that your life is not bizarre enough to support the endeavor?  Well….problem solved!  Simply choose one item from from each of the menus below to create a custom Secret Tel Aviv post.

WARNING: While this attempts to create the feeling of a real Secret Tel Aviv post, nothing can compete with the real thing in terms of strange.

Hugs,

The Daily Freier

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Dating and Relationships

Tel Aviv Man Concerned Girlfriend Only Staying With Him For His Dishwasher

dishwasher

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/12/2015 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: North Tel Aviv resident Avi C. has some serious concerns.  His girlfriend of four months, Tamar R. is pretty and smart and relatively easygoing.  And Avi is beginning to suspect that the only reason he’s still around is that his apartment is equipped with a luxury item: a working dishwasher. “I know I must sound crazy. But I feel that she’s only keeping me around because of my dishwasher.  And get this….She already has 3 dinner parties for all of her couples friends planned out through the end of January at my place. I’m losing my mind.“

When the Daily Freier tried to reason with Avi, he read  us a text he received from Tamar. “Hey Avi!  Wanted to bring some of my dishes over. I was thinking that tonight we could do Netflix, use the dishwasher and chill”   Avi then shrugged his shoulders and threw his hands in the air. “I mean what the hell does Netflix dishwasher and chill even mean?”

In order to form a balanced picture, The Daily Freier spoke with Tamar about this troubling development. “Oh that’s just Avi, he’s being silly. He knows what he means to me.  It’s just that his kitchen is just so much better laid out.  With the granite counter, the kitchen island, and the dishwasher, there’s just so much potential and I really see a lot of good things in the future……with Avi I mean.  Good things in the future with Avi.”

When the Daily Freier last saw Avi, he was composing a post on Secret Tel Aviv asking for advice on this same topic “for a friend”.

Terrorism

Refusing to Give in to Terror, Tel Aviv Man Maintains Normal Routine of Just Being a Total Dick

Screen Shot 2015-11-28 at 9.53.02 PMBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/27/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Local resident Dan G. doesn’t like to be called a hero.   But his steadfast refusal to let the current wave of terror change his way of life just might make him one. Dan is not about to let the terrorists win, and he demonstrates this by maintaining the same daily activities he has always maintained: being a complete dick to any and all he comes into contact with in this great city.  The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along with Dan as he went about his day.

We met Dan outside his apartment building in the Kikar Rabin neighborhood, as he parked his car up onto the sidewalk, blocking the route for pedestrians but providing him a mere 10 meter walk to his front door. As Dan got out of the car with his dog, he described his philosophy. “The terrorists want to destroy my way of life. But I won’t let them.” explained Dan as his dog defecated on the sidewalk and we continued to walk without stopping.  The Daily Freier followed Dan as he stopped by his local post office to mail a parcel.  “The most important thing we can do is just maintain our routine.  You know, live our life.” explained Dan as he strode past the ticket machine and several customers clutching tickets and walked right up and handed his package to a postal employee. “I just feel that this is my contribution.” said Dan as he checked the Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” and wrote some pretty inappropriate stuff on a post from an attractive Spanish girl asking for help finding a roommate. We then followed Dan to a bus stop for the Number 25 bus, as he sidestepped the line, got on the bus and kicked his feet up on the seat in front of him. The Daily Freier then followed Dan to his favorite bar where we enjoyed beers while he explained his personal code of conduct. “My philosophy is just to keep being yourself in tough times.” When the Daily Freier got back from the bathroom, Dan was gone and we ended up paying the bar tab ourselves.

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Dating and Relationships

“Let Me Walk You Home, It’s Dangerous” Nominated City’s New Cheesy Pickup Line by Tel Aviv Municipal Council of Guys

tel-aviv-council-of-guys

(Photo Credit: Vandelay Industries)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/14//2015 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: In a hastily called emergency session, the Tel Aviv Municipal Council of Guys opted to respond to the current security situation by naming “Let me Walk You Home, It’s Dangerous” as the city’s top cheesy pickup line. Spokesperson Tal H. explained the change at a press conference following the meeting. “In peacetime, it’s perfectly alright  to say ‘Come up for a cup of coffee‘ or ‘I know the best hummus place‘, but these are difficult times.” In addition, Tal urged members of the Council to utilize the following banter while running game: “You can feel the tension in the air. Maybe it’s time we go home”, or “Let’s stay in tonight. It’s dangerous“. Tal conceded that “I was in the IDF” is still an acceptable line, but only on or around Birthright tours.

The new campaign, while promising, has seen decidedly mixed results, with a posting by one “Tal H.” to the popular forum Secret Tel Aviv asking the following question: “What is the easiest way to get pepper spray out of your chest hair? Asking for a friend.”

Secret Tel Aviv, Yom Kippur

Secret Tel Aviv’s Loyal Readers Promise to spend Yom Kippur wandering the City giving Unsolicited Advice and asking Total Strangers random off the wall Questions

 

Screen Shot 2018-09-18 at 1.30.39 PM(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/22/2015 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu- As life in the city of Tel Aviv slowly grinds to a halt in preparation for the solemn occasion of Yom Kippur, loyal readers of the popular site “Secret Tel Aviv” are scrambling to find a way to support one anothers’ need to make snap judgements on other people while also asking total strangers completely off the wall questions.  To this end, a number of readers have banded together and promised to take advantage of the total lack of traffic in order to wander the streets giving unsolicited advice to random passersby and asking other people questions seemingly pulled out of a hat.

“Yom Kippur is a special time, so I can’t wait to go up to somebody I don’t know and tell them about the time the sushi restaurant put shrimp in my order that was supposed to be kosher.“ noted loyal reader Danny F. “Also, if  two people having a discussion on the street, I might interject and imply that one of them doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

Loyal reader Jessica K. also discussed her plans for the Chag.  “My friends and I are going to walk along Ayalon Highway, and ask anyone if they have a nature-themed jigsaw puzzle they are giving away.  That’s a reasonable thing to ask, right?”

Unfortunately, not everyone on the site seems to be on the same sheet of music.  Secret Tel Aviv regular Matti C. was somewhat confused by all of the activity and planning. “Wait…..so there’s something going on tomorrow?  OMG I need to get on Secret Tel Aviv and find out tomorrow’s bus schedule.”

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