Category: Guest Writer Wednesday

Guest Writer Wednesday, ISIS

Israel draws West ISIS in World Cup Quarter Final

West ISIS Israel Football match

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/27/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv: The world will hold its breath this weekend as Israel and West ISIS will do battle for a shock place in the World Cup semi finals, after both teams overachieved in the group stages.

The tense clash will be the first time the Zionist nation has gone head to almost-head with West ISIS, who surprisingly topped the Caliphate group after a penalty shootout win against Al Qaeda…when the opposition goalkeeper was beheaded during the coin toss.

After losing 5-1 to East ISIS in the opening game, the signs weren’t good for West ISIS, whose entire midfield was hurled into the stands after the linesman was blown up for raising the wrong flag. Managed by Kassam Allardyce, they switched the formation to play 10 up front and one lookout at the back after a poor back pass saw a central defender hit on the head by a flaming vuvuzela. That formation worked as they sneaked through the group stages with wins over Al Nusra and Boko Loco before clinching top spot in an eventful win over Al Qaeda. Trailing one nil, West ISIS controversially equalised in stoppage time when an in-swinging corner found super sub Jihadi Ringo, who had only put on his suicide vest moments before. He nodded the ball goalwards. The keeper palmed the ball away but the striker’s head flew in, along with two fingers, a right elbow and a knuckleduster. As ISIS fans celebrated by singing Liverpool FC’s ‘You’ll never walk alone‘, the opposition fans began to chant ‘You’ll never walk again‘ so the referee awarded the goal before he was assaulted by irate tea vendors.

Israel’s qualification was more routine as they coasted through, under the management of financial wizards Ehud Olmert and Aryeh Deri. Opposing managers were paying shekels into their offshore bank accounts while the Israeli attack scored freely. Israel thrashed Lebanon 6-0 when they turned the floodlights and water off after hearing of a rocket fired at Haifa. The Zionists romped past the Future Palestinian State, 9-0, after Israel’s Egyptian coach Sissi executed the substitutes bench, which was being used as a grenade factory. The BBC called for an immediate boycott, running with the headline: ‘Palestinian heartbreak as Israel steals football glory‘.

This World Cup had been awash with dramas and scandals. Mexico were kicked out for refusing to play the USA unless Donald Trump quit the race for president. Germany were docked points for fielding a squad comprised only of Syrian refugees, while England’s threat to leave the European Union saw them placed in the Pacific Group where they were knocked out 1-0 by sleeping giants Fiji. Speculation still remains about the result of the game between Israel and Iran, managed by former Ayatollah favourite, Haveyouhadyourdinnerdad. The Al-Jazeera commentary box and cameras were detonated by Hezbollah when fans rose for the Israeli national anthem Hatikva. Drone footage, however, showed the Iranian first XI limping off at the final whistle, beaten and bruised, screaming ‘OK, OK, so Israel bloody exists!’

Oddly, there are plenty of tickets still on sale for the Israel-ISIS clash at the stadium in the central Asian republic of Icouldntgiveaf–kistan. As TV networks booked flights out of the country, ex FIFA president Sepp Blatter promised security would be as tight as his wallet and as comfortable as his padded cell in Switzerland.

The football pilgrimage is expected to see Israel bring 25,000 fans including the publicity-shy supermodel Bar Refaeli. It is unclear how many ISIS fans will come until the end of a three-week gun battle in Palmyra. Available at http://www.armageddon.com (strictly a fanciful jest!–The Freier Legal Department), tickets start at $5 and include a souvenir program, a light beer and funeral expenses.

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Hamas

Hamas tunnellers disoriented after Rothschild Avenue breakthrough

Rothschild chair

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/20/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Hamas leadership was forced into a radical strategic rethink on Monday after a coordinated operation saw a Gaza-based squad emerge confused and bewildered from three underground tunnels in the centre of Tel Aviv.

The first of the 72-kilometre tunnels was revealed when three Hamas terrorists smashed through bedrock into the basement of Dizengoff Center. Buried amidst last season’s thongs from Victoria’s Secret, ripped denim shorts from Castro and a Kiddush cup stuffed with Sarah Netanyahu’s tax receipts, one of the baffled terror operatives did manage to crawl through hoards of Eyal Golan CDs and copies of Moshe Katsav’s autobiography. He then made the all-too-common mistake of taking the escalator up to the third floor and emerged immediately back in the basement where yawning security guards were waiting for him.

Police were quick to the scene of the second tunnel, which broke through the cycle lane on the always-busy Rothschild Boulevard. The Al-Jamal brothers from Gaza City were bowled over by three hoverboards, a skateboard, a triple buggy, a unicycle, a dog walker with 15 breeds on one leash and two elderly ladies headed for the opera at Habima. The Al-Jamals are being treated for PTSD and mild head injuries at Ichilov hospital.

And as Tel Aviv continued with its late Spring  bustle, a gaping concrete hole appeared underneath local fraudsters Goldman Bank De Binary. With the Waze GPS app pressed to his ear, a bandana-wearing Musharraf Al-Hussein appeared with a pack of worn-down toothpicks as packs of Olim went straight for his pockets, forcing him to buy shares in global corporate stalwart McCoca-Packard.

Local Tel Aviv police spokesperson Avram W. added: “It appears Al Hussein has applied for a commission-only job in Binary while the Dizengoff tunnellers were excited to have been given minimum wage positions as Customer Liaison Officers by Cofix.”

The security breach was reliably reported by the BBC as “Israel illegally detains Palestinian archaeologists”.

A Hamas spokesman added: “Their missions were merely fact-finding intelligence missions. They remain on the payroll and we hope to see them return in time for the gold fountains we are naming after them.”

Bar Refaeli, Guest Writer Wednesday

Bar Refaeli ‘devastated’ not to be named in Panama Papers

BRBy Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 11:20 AM

Tel Aviv: Publicity-shy full-time supermodel and part-time Israeli taxpayer Bar Refaeli has gone into hiding, with tremendous shame, after failing to make it onto the list of celebrities and politicians exposed in the Panama Papers for illegal deals and dodgy finances.

The Mossack Fonseca law firm in the Central American statelet was revealed this week to be the engine room where the world’s rich got filthy, stinking and dirty rich.  And nobody offered Ms. Rafaeli a piece of the action, rendering The Israeli supermodel too upset to speak. Her PR agent explained: ‘Ms. Refaeli is dismayed at her absence from this exclusive list. More than 11 million documents and nothing. Especially when a real D-Lister like the Prime Minister of Iceland made the team.‘

Years of Sesame Street accounting, imaginative wedding lists, and hiding the shekels under her Princess and the Pea four poster bed during her ‘army service’ have all proved futile as she failed to make it onto neither this list nor the Forbes Rich list. 

Her agent continued. ‘She is a fighter and will be back to claim maternity benefits and appear on Big Brother to complement her meagre salary.’ Additionally, Bar’s agent informed the Daily Freier that his client intended to never wear a Panama hat as long as she lived.

Meanwhile, as one Israeli supermodel hid away from the papers, another, Wonder Woman’s Gal Gadot, was all over them. She was tipped for Oscar stardom after impressing audiences with her 59 words and wrist action in the three-hour Batman vs Superman snoozathon. Even in ultra-conservative Gaza, Hamas militants left their tunnels and rockets to download the original TV series and compare her performance to the iconic Lynda Carter. Gaza tailors are currently working on a Wonder Woman suicide belt in time for Naqba Day.

Guest Writer Wednesday, Pesach

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Are You There G-D? It’s Me, Elijah

Elijah-Seinfeld-620x310By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 3/30/2016 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv:  Police are looking into the strange appearance of a drunken man in downtown Tel Aviv claiming to be the prophet Elijah. With just three weeks to go to Passover, detectives are puzzled by the man apparently called Eliyahu, who seems to be off his head on Kedem wine.

“He was screaming that his father was Avi Koman and that he was the real deal but we have seen it all here.” pointed out Police Superintendent Nadav B. “One year, some guy was arrested inside a giant chocolate egg claiming to be Roger Rabbit. There is a lot of wine flowing this time of year and we have just finished Purim. It could be part of a long, lingering national hangover.”

What remains a mystery is that he was spotted going door to door near Rothschild Boulevard by Jehovah’s Witnesses (who initially thought he was one of their own) wearing only a white sheet from the Sheraton Hotel and hiking sandals. While the Jehovah’s Witnesses  were busy pestering people spreading the good word outside  the AM/PM Market, ‘Elijah’ was seen stumbling around front gardens, knocking stray cats off trash cans and pressed up against kitchen windows asking for extra eggs in salt water.

One neighbour on Sheinkin Street said: “It’s usually very gentrified around here. Occasionally you’d get a protest about the cost of soya milk, but there aren’t often disturbances. But this guy was screaming, ‘I’ll give you a plague of frogs, let me in, I’m Elijah! I’ve got locusts, crabs, everything.‘ Weird.”

After he started squeezing tomato ketchup packets onto doorposts, horrified locals called the police. Briefly questioned, he was then admitted to the rehabilitation ward at Ichilov hospital pending DNA tests. He is currently sharing a padded room next to a middle age man claiming to be a reincarnated Queen Esther, a pair of twins alleging they survived on Noah’s Ark, and a disciple threatening to spill the beans on the real Mary Magdalene.

Bar Refaeli, Guest Writer Wednesday

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Knesset Questions Bar Refaeli Over Use of Drones at Wedding

bar-refaeli-wedding-instagram-vogue-30sep15-b_320x480By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 2/17/2016 at 6:20 AM

Jerusalem: Israeli supermodel and renowned IDF non-veteran Bar Refaeli was hauled before the Knesset Emergency Committee (KEC) this week to explain how her recent wedding almost dragged Israel into the Syrian civil war and engulfed the country in a fight with Lebanon. Stressed out about the secret wedding photographs being auctioned to trashy magazines, Refaeli bought two drones to hover 1,000 feet above the chuppah in northern Israel in order to deter local and global media attention. When the batteries in the remote control failed, the drones drifted towards Beirut, and the Lebanese militia called in reinforcements. It turned out that Refaeli, who has received free cars, free apartments and was recently under investigation for tax evasion, had not bought the drones but they were actually a remote control airplane with a cellphone camera attached, belonging to her cousin’s neighbor’s former roommate’s eight year-old little cousin Asaf.

Vowing revenge, the fanatical Hezbollah promised no stone would be left unturned in their hunt for the culprits. Unconfirmed reports from local gossip media magazine “Salaam Beirut” alleged that Hassan Nasrallah was aggrieved at not being invited to the wedding. At the moment that orders were given to shoot down the camera-with-wings, Refaeli’s bridesmaids accidentally knocked the remote control out of Asaf’s hands, sending the drone nosediving towards the ISIS-held Syrian village of Beit-al-wadi-forgot-the-rest.

Summoned before the Knesset, she told court reporters: “I am sorry for the balagan, I could not take any chances. I heard one of the religious magazines were sending in under-cover rabbis to officiate and the whole thing made me panic. I am genuinely sorry I never served in the IDF and dodged tax but I never wanted to hurt my country. I didn’t enlist because I felt dating Leonardo Dicaprio and being seen on Fox billboards were good ways to raise Israel’s profile abroad. Am Yisrael Chai.” Before leaving with a suspended fine, she announced that she was pregnant with her first child. Although little Refaeli is not expected until later this year, the nation began to check their bomb shelters and started downloading “Red Alert” in advance.

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Start Up Nation

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: #StartupNation Solves the Riddle of Gift-Giving at Israeli Weddings!

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By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 3/1/2016 at 10:20 PM

Tel Aviv: Gift-giving at Israeli weddings became much easier to understand for guests this week after a series of technological breakthroughs. Scientists at the renowned Technion Institute in Haifa unveiled a range of devices aimed at replacing the giant shekel-guzzling piggy bank that ritually stands in the corner of wedding receptions. Immigrants and native Israelis alike welcomed the news. The Daily Freier was able to speak with one such enthusiastic customer. Malcolm Green, a British Oleh Hadash noted: “When we got married, we had a wedding list at the Poundshop in Liverpool and just asked relatives to buy frying pans and food mixers. Now, everyone wants money, to pay for the very wedding you are going to! Why not just go out for a good shawarma and split the bill?”

Having attended his first wedding on an Israeli kibbutz, Aaron Stone, a new immigrant from the U.S. pointed out: “I looked at a website here designed to help you calculate the amount you are supposed to give the couple. If you know the bride more than 5 years, NIS300, more than 10, NIS1000, if you slept with the mother, you need to get them a car and stay away. It is all so odd.”

Help is soon at hand, though, following the collaboration between researchers and a number of banks and fashion houses. Now, guests can either securely leave cheques in a safety deposit box stitched into the Rabbi’s hat, throw new magnetic shekel confetti at the happy couple, or swipe credit cards at one of the wedding chuppa’s four poles, each sponsored by Mastercard, Visa, Bank Hapoalim and Bank Leumi. 5G WiFi will connect each of the poles to the most favorable exchange rates, which are etched onto the Ketubah marriage contract with a laser pen. Fathers of the bride and groom will both be able to wear special voice-activated black pants that drop on hearing the words Mazel Tov, to reveal a compact cash register.

New brides will have the option of wearing an electronic white hoodie, which holds notes and coins, and is linked by Bluetooth to the groom’s bowtie, which sorts the currency into dollars, pounds and other major currencies. Gucci, Armani and Cofix will be bringing out wedding dresses with trains and veils made from perforated standing order and direct debit instructions if guests prefer to spread payments. A secret pilot scheme was launched at the wedding of noted selective tax-payer Bar Refaeli. When the wine glass was smashed, guests could be heard screaming “Mazel Tov” and “I’m broke” simultaneously. The products will be available from Sunday for purchase by the general public on one of the hidden floors at the Dizengoff shopping mall.

 

Guest Writer Wednesday

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Planet Breathes Easier as Santa Signs Global Warming Pact

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By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/23/2015 at 6:20 AM

Paris: Jingle bells chimed loudly at the Paris Energy Summit this week after Santa Claus agreed to reduce his carbon footprint by slashing his sleigh’s extraordinary use of fossil fuels and fit it with lunar panels. The agreement also sees a reprieve for the Amazon Rainforest as Santa banned receiving letters from children, preferring emails at poorsuckers@smail.com.

Father Christmas is one of the primary causes the world is burning up fast and is responsible for a range of natural disasters and parental poverty. Experts claim he burns 300 trillion tonnes of fuel every year as he whizzes around 180+ countries in little more than six hours on a 1970s hostess trolley. The deal, which could offset all damage done by industrial nations by as soon as Christmas 2020, caused Leonardo Dicaprio and Al Gore to wet themselves.

St. Nick’s chief reindeer Rudolph told CNN: “Basically, we have all been badgering him that we have had a good run, really. It’s Jesus’s day anyway but we’ve been doing this for years now and me and the boys are tired. The elves have got arthritis from packing so fast and it’s hard to breathe in the fumes. How do you think I got this shiny red nose? It’s blood poisoning, not Comic Relief. Prancer is riddled.”

While the health implications for his staff are one factor, there is evidence that the Clauses, worth an estimated $56 trillion, have been under pressure to change their extravagant ways for some time. Iceland’s volcanic eruptions are believed to have been triggered by Santa’s luxurious private jet as he returned from the wholesalers. Sixteen elves had to be hospitalized at Lapland General after toxic paint was thrown over them by campaigners furious at deforestation and the use of expensive paper to wrap Christmas selection packs and socks from Walmart.

Santa has cut out 23 countries from his world tour, agreed to the no-fly zone over much of the Middle East and also refused to go down any chimneys, choosing only to drop gifts into the green and blue recycling bins. The decline in presents will see 45 elves and four reindeer lose their jobs. Some will be taken on as extras and donkeys in the annual Nativity play.

In the U.S., where frantic parents were desperately building solar panels and wind turbines out of Lego in back gardens, Donald Trump hailed the new entrepreneurial spirit of the American people. The presidential hopeful caused a Twitter storm when he unveiled plans to increase reindeer hunting licenses and revoke any tourist visas for the Claus family if they ever set foot on U.S. soil. “Santa no longer shares our cultural values and I will not allow his environmental extremism to hurt our quality of life.” he vowed. “Well, no more than Shell, BP and Haliburton anyway.”

Guest Writer Wednesday, ISIS

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: “You Only Have One Mother, Tariq”

Jewish-mum-007

(Photo Credit: BT)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 12/9/2015 at 11:20 AM

Raqqa: Air strikes, Kurdish rebels, cyber hacking, even playing Adele’s song ‘Hello’ on loudspeakers have all been tried and all have failed. But tonight, it seems that the first significant blow against ISIS has been struck with the use of a brand new weapon: Jewish mother guilt. Israeli scientists have worked frantically around the clock to take the essential ingredients of Jewish Mother Guilt – passive aggression, unrealistic pride and immovable affection – distill it into its purest form and have the potent strain dropped over ISIS strongholds in Syria and Iraq. Immediate reports are sketchy but it seems the placebo is working as phone networks in Mosul have been jammed with long and highly emotional calls home from the medieval terrorists. “You couldn’t find time to call your mother between beheadings, she only has one head, you might do well to remember that,” cried Mrs Fatima Sayed Falaweed to her son Jamal. They hadn’t spoken for just two days. There were tears too in caliphate capital Raqqa where another estranged son, Assaf Bikram Hussein Jr immediately handed himself into U.S. Marines after being scolded by his mother: “I don’t care if your friends want to destroy the Palmyra temples,” she said. “We brought you up better than that. If they stuck their heads in the oven, would you? Actually don’t answer that.” Local women, who had breathed in Jewish Mother Guilt, took a break from cooking brisket, fetching their cleaners and taking long baths, to speak of their pride that their sons were laying down their weapons. “If the queue takes a while, I’ve given him chicken legs, rice and some chopped liver,” said one. “He said he would give me three rings when he reached the Iranian border.” Another mother, hanging out her son’s balaclava on the washing line, said she was glad she kept the receipt for the Kalashnikov she bought him on his 11th birthday. “We can put it towards his college fund,” she said, tearfully. New ISIS lead singer Jihadi Ringo, John’s successor, resented the interference of the Jewish state, and was seen whining and throwing a hissy fit at the therapist’s office as Mrs Ringo called to tell him more and more crates of Jewish Mother Guilt were being loaded onto aircraft carriers in Crete…

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Hamas

GUEST WRITER WEDNESDAY PRESENTS: “Hamas Got Talent”!

Talent

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 11:20 AM

Gaza City:  TV ratings when through the roof this Saturday, literally, as Simon Cowell made his much-anticipated debut as a judge on ‘Hamas Got Talent.’ More than 20 million tuned in across the Arab world, averting their eyes when Cowell entered stage right, wearing his extremely high-waisted and tight trousers, accompanied by a scantily clad Nicole Sherzinger, from the Pussycat Dolls.

There was much outrage in Israel last month when the multi-billion dollar franchise was extended to the Gaza Strip and auditions began in a UN school to find the next superstar from the tiny, long-suffering enclave.

“It is absolutely appalling how the Palestinians have applied to be part of this worldwide showbiz extravaganza,” cried Israeli PM Bibi Netanyahu. “Watching teenagers juggle grenades live on stage in a high school is only going to end in tears. And, frankly, we could do without the blame. I’d rather see them in the United Nations,” he added.

A nervous looking Cowell, who was born to a Jewish father, was treated to a line up of Abu Mazen ventriloquists, a somersaulting Hitler Youth urban dance act, a magician who stormed a tunnel with explosives, grenades and an AK-47, only to come out the other side, smiling and disembowelled, next to 72 glamorous virgins. Even Nicole Sherzinger clapped. Mahmood El Mahmood, a sweet boy with a stutter came out and blew the audience away, well after his father had, with his version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man.’ Cowell pressed the golden buzzer, Mahmood went through to the finals in Ramallah and the roof exploded.

But the real drama was reserved for Fatima Al Boom Shak-a-Lak, whose father disowned her when she dropped out of bomb-making and swastika classes to take up singing in her bedroom. Dressed in a sultry ankle-length black number, and a balaclava, she dedicated her mash-up of Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off’ and Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ to him but her ashamed father chopped his own head off in the gents toilets during the commercial break.

Al Jazeera, which broadcast the show, called the show a hit, as did the BBC, which led with the headline “Palestinians sing and dance through their pain after Israeli rocket targets TV studio. The next episode airs Sunday at 9pm Israel time, 2pm Central.

 

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