May 1, 2017 (Happy May Day!)
Memorandum For: Korean Central News Agency
From: The Daily Freier
Subject: Can’t We All Just Get Along?
- Greetings from the Daily Freier, a people’s collective located in the humid and cosmopolitan coastal region of Tel Aviv tasked with providing timely and useful information to the hardworking farmers, intellectuals, and factory workers of the surrounding villages and hamlets!
- We understand that the Defense Minister of our nation, Mr. Liberman, said some very rude and hurtful things about the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, the Honorable Kim Jong-un. And this makes us very sad. This sort of malicious gossip is the type of idle chatter that one would expect from the clique of popular students at a Young Women’s’ Revolutionary School of Technology and Science when they are speaking of the new girl who has just arrived from a smaller, less prestigious Revolutionary School of Technology and Science located in a more provincial and traditional region. Do you know what we’re saying?
- Due to the unfortunate and unhelpful statements of Mr. Liberman, the Daily Freier has decided to take bold action and appoint our august publication as the Central Secretariat for all future correspondence between our two fraternal and honorable nations. Henceforth, you can feel free to ignore the statements of Mr. Liberman, and quite frankly, just about the rest of our leaders. Why not? We here in Israel do it every day. It is actually quite therapeutic.
- In the spirit of progress and fraternal goodwill, we at the Daily Freier offer our services to your Honorable News Agency for the distribution of relevant and timely information pertaining to the activities and achievements of our respective peoples, specifically in the subjects of agriculture, iron smelting, small tractor preventive maintenance, and forestry. Once again, please ignore the boisterous and foolish words of our leaders! In the words of the lively and honest peoples’ vernacular of the urban North American proletariat, “We got you, fam”.
Yours in Fraternal Solidarity,
The Daily Freier
p.s. We love love love Dennis Rodman.
p.p.s. We think that Seth Rogen is an idiot.
By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 2/16/2017 at 3:00 PM
Jerusalem, Mea She’arim: The rioting by some members of the Haredi Community against conscription in the Israeli Army began to break up today, because after a week of activity many of them complained that it felt like a job. Like where you have to show up to work at the same time and place every day or something. The Daily Freier’s resident Semi-on-the-Derech reporter Yekutiel Bornstein was on the scene getting all of the facts.
“At first, everything was fine.” noted protester Moshe D. “We beat up a Haredi guy who volunteered for the Army, blocked traffic, and pulled the tail of a police horse. Good times…. But after a few days, it just got weird. Being expected to show up. Day in, day out. No matter the weather. And being expected to do things. It felt like a…..like a…. not sure the word for this.”
“Like a job?” interjected the Daily Freier helpfully
“Yeah, that’s it. Like a job. And we’re not having that.”
The Daily Freier also tried to get to the heart of the matter by learning the motivations of the protesters. “The Government’s rules are ridiculous. I mean, it’s not like the Torah instructs us to defend Eretz Yisrael with our life or anything like that. So we really want the public to understand our situation and sympathize it.” explained semi-permanent Yeshiva student Yakov C. “That’s why we decided to block traffic during rush hour and call Law Enforcement officers ‘Nazis’ and female officers ‘Shiksas’. I think we’re making real progress.”
Finally, the Daily Freier asked the Law Enforcement who responded to the riots for their perspective on the events. Jerusalem Police Sergeant Avner H. gave his impression. “This was a difficult protest to break up. These guys were tough, lots of fight in them.” The Daily Freier asked Sergeant Avner if there was a way to prevent such riots from occurring in the future. Avner thought for a moment and replied “That’s a good question. If only there was some sort of organized activity that channels the aggression and energy of young men while providing them discipline and structure…..But I can’t think of anything right now, can you?”
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/26/2016 at 4:30 PM
Burgas, Bulgaria: The nation of Bulgaria’s sex worker and meth communities reacted with shocked anger on rumors that some of their own may have knowingly associated with Israeli politician Oren Hazan, who before getting elected to the Knesset managed a Casino in Bulgaria where there was DEFINITELY NO hookers or drugs. The Daily Freier was on the scene to speak to the aggrieved parties.
“This ugly rumor that any of our membership associated with Mr. Hazan is libel, and we intend to sue.” explained Tanya M., Chairperson of the Burgas Regional Sex Workers Union. “I mean, we just have sex with strangers for money. Please don’t drag us into a scandal with this character.”
“This is how reputations get ruined.” admonished Boris K., President of the Bulgarian Federation of Tweakers, as he gnashed his teeth and stared around the room fitfully. “I mean, I may be an addict, but at least I never mocked a disabled person in Parliament.” Boris began frantically scratching at a scab on his arm. “I’m just afraid that people will begin to associate my meth use with Oren Hazan.”
The Daily Freier asked Tanya what the repercussions would be for a member of her Labor Syndicate if the rumors proved true. “Nonsense! It would go against our sense of honor!” Tanya thundered, before turning introspective. “But if it turns out that one of our own shamed herself by associating with that guy, she would have to resign. Or, you know, run for Public Office.”
(Photo Credit: Gili Yohanan/POOL)
By Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 1:40 PM
Ramle, Ma’asiyahu Prison: While you were lining up for roll call this morning you ran into “Uncle Ehud”, the new guy from Gimel-Block. And he says he can find you a really good place over in Aleph-Block which is walking distance to the commissary and has a window with a really nice view. The deal sounds pretty good. And for a new guy, Ehud is really connected. He even got a job in the kitchen and meals have never been more efficient or tasty. But for some reason the inventories keep coming up short. He says it must be something wrong with the version of Microsoft Excel that the Supply Office uses.
So Ehud says everything is ready to go and the deal can be finished before Lights-Out tonight. He just needs you to put 2 cartons of cigarettes and a bag of bamba in a large manila envelope and drop it off with Shlomo the Orderly in the recreation yard. And if you can make the delivery by 3 PM, he will even throw in a blank Sick Pass from the Infirmary.
You know, even though you’re doing time and it isn’t easy here, things are getting better every day. And having a few high-profile convicts isn’t that bad either. Maybe it means they make the place just a little bit nicer for everyone. No complaints here! And get this, for some reason Aryeh Deri got the Knesset to build us a Shabbat-Compliant elevator that will be completed before the High Holy Days!
The Daily Freier strongly urges that the Israeli Ministry of Education ban the Daily Freier from the national school curriculum. The reasons for this move are several.
First, some bad words are used. It describes the mean streets of Tel Aviv. You know, keeping it real.
Second, it tries to annoy everybody. It mocks the religious with a newly observant Roomba that informs the Chief Rabbinate that she operates on the Sabbath. It lampoons the self-absorbed city by the sea called Tel Aviv. The Freier trolls Chris Gunness as an art form.
Finally, and most importantly, Getting Banned Is Where The Money Is! Just ask Dorit Rabinyan. I mean, let’s face it: NOBODY READS THE DAILY FREIER. But a little controversy, a comprehensive ban, and Bang! Cash money in full effect!
So if our readers want to support us by posting pictures of Jews kissing Arabs, Men kissing women, women kissing men, women kissing women kissing men, Circassians kissing Druze kissing Black Hebrews, that’s cool too.
Do the Right Thing. Ban the Daily Freier.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/13/2016 at 5:30 PM
New York: In a strongly worded statement, the Progressive NGO “New Israel Fund” (NIF) demanded the immediate resignation of the Israeli Voting Public for what it described as “continued attacks on Democracy” for exhibiting voting patterns described as “frightening and disconcerting”. NIF Spokesperson Naomi Paiss expanded on this statement at a Press Conference at their New York Headquarters attended by the Daily Freier earlier today.
“Maybe things are just more obvious from New York, Washington, or Stockholm, but it’s as if the Israeli public is totally ignorant of their own best interests.” Ms. Paiss stated. “I mean, who the hell are these so-called “voters” anyway???” Ms. Paiss asked. “It’s almost as if they don’t even read Haaretz.” Ms. Paiss continued on the possible repercussions of the Israeli Public’s continued behavior. “I’m sorry, but I need to break my silence on this topic. If this goes on, we may need to replace the public.”
At the conclusion of the Press Conference, Ms. Paiss conducted a question and answer session with the assembled media. When The Daily Freier asked Ms. Paiss if by her definition of “values contrary to a Democracy” she meant “voting for people or stuff that I don’t like“, she paused, looked at us like we just said that we really like Nickelback and replied “And there’s ANOTHER Definition????” When the Daily Freier challenged Ms. Paiss on this conclusion, she retorted, “Oh don’t look at me like that. You’re acting like we indirectly supported the lynching of Arabs for selling land to Jews or something.”