Hey guys, I just came up with an A-MA-ZING idea! Let’s give back the Golan Heights! Yeah, the strategic plateau that overlooks the Galilee! The one with Zero Palestinians and that also lets the IDF have a clear shot at Damascus! We need to do this, like, yesterday. Look, over the last 50 years, we’ve established wineries and farms and a ski resort, so it would be kinda cool to give those things to Bashar Assad. Yeah, Asma’s husband! That guy! The one who dropped barrel bombs full of chlorine gas on kids! Great idea, right? C’mon, enough is enough. The UN General Assembly just passed a non-binding resolution condemning us for holding onto it!
It’s not like Assad owes Hezbollah and Iran any favors after they saved his regime. If we can’t trust him, we may as well not trust anybody. I mean, I think you guys just need to relax. John Kerry said it was a good idea!
The Yafo Flea Market: Meretz is striking back forcefully against a recently re-visited Government Ethics Panel from 4 years ago forbidding their Knesset Members from smoking cannabis. The Jerusalem Post reported that Tamar Zandberg, a MK for Israel’s In-No-Way-Out-In-Left-Field Meretz Party, was admonished that she could not smoke weed because:
a) it’s against the law
b) she’s like a lawmaker and stuff
But if you think our friends at Meretz were going to simply roll over and give up, well, you’re wrong. The Party issued a stern rebuttal to the Ethics Committee, signed by all of their MK’s, and delivered at a Press Conference this afternoon at the Yafo Flea Market.
“This so-called ruling by the Quote Unquote Ethics Committee is totally unjust.” admonished Meretz spokesperson Danny C. “This ruling deprives our party of some of our best idea generating sessions. I mean, just last night we were only one or two bong-hits away from truly solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.”
Danny continued. “Also, after a marathon 12 spliff session on Tuesday, we came up with a solution to Greater Tel Aviv’s sky-high rental costs which was just brilliant! ….The trouble is, the next morning was “Group Cleanup Day” at our communal apartment on Sheinkin, and now we can’t find the pizza box where we drew the diagrams for all the geodesic domes, houseboats, and rooftop yurts. Wait, do you know what day the Garbageman comes? We might be able to find it in the Green bins next to the curb.”
The Daily Freier asked Danny just how long Meretz has been doing…. ummm…. ‘enhanced brainstorming”, and he replied that it’s been “like years and years” since this has been the case. “In 2014, the Party drafted a 5-Point Resolution to better integrate Israel’s Arab minority, but by the time we got back from Midburn, we realized that we’d left the manifesto at the campsite in the blue IKEA bag that also held our bamba and glow-sticks.”
Danny then reached under the podium to get the Party’s latest press release on increasing voter participation, only to find that he’d misplaced it. But he was positive that it contained the following phrases: “It worked in Holland“, “commune in the Arava“, “windmill“, and “hemp seeds“.
Ramle Prison: Officials at this Central Israel Correctional Institution were pleasantly surprised today when they learned that they’ve been granted an improvement to their facilities. Member of Knesset Aryeh Deri (Shas) added a Line Item to their annual budget request, granting funds to install a Shabbat Elevator. Such a device allows religiously observant people to save time and energy by taking an elevator while not violating the laws of Shabbat. The Daily Freier spoke with prison spokesperson Yoni D.
“We are very thankful for Minister Deri’s assistance. This addition to our physical plant will make life easier for those prisoners who are Shomre Shabbat, and will add to the overall quality of life……but to be honest, nobody in our Accounting & Budget Office can remember actually asking for this. Does he know something we don’t know?”
Tel Aviv: The Center for the Study of Democracy in Israel published a report today indicating that only 77% of the nation’s citizens have started their own political party. With today’s election revealing a confusing array of choices consisting of every one, two, and three-letter combination from the Hebrew Alphabet, this number seemed a bit low. So in order to get to the bottom of this, the Daily Freier met with the Center’s lead researcher Natan C. at a North Tel Aviv cafe.
As we sipped our coffees, Natan gestured to the current occupants of the cafe. “Look around. The waitress, the cook, the hostess, the old guy doing Sudoku, the goofy blogger, the old woman dispensing free advice, the manager, the manager’s girlfriend, the manager’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. All of them are currently running a political party, just formed a breakaway party after a nasty split from an existing party, or are busy filling out forms and petitions to form their own.”
Not wanting to simply take Natan’s word at face value, the Daily Freier then called Israel’s Board of Election supervisors and asked if the Center’s numbers are in fact correct. “77% of Israelis have their own political party? Oh that’s just nonsense.” Election Board Supervisor Gila H. scoffed. “Soon you will be telling me that someone started a party for secular Tel Aviv cats. Wait….never mind. It appears that somebody did. I quit.”
Jerusalem, Machane Yehuda Market: Jerusalem is still in shock from the news that the United Torah Judaism Party’s Yaakov Litzman wants to close down Jerusalem’s Machane Yehuda Market, a move that would deprive the city of its one cool hangout and thus “make the city just as boring as the Daily Freier thinks it is”. Reaction across the city was intense, with particularly strong objection from your one friend who has somehow convinced himself that Jerusalem really has a great party scene. Mr. Litzman outlined his objections to the market, calling it a “focal point for debauchery“, whereas our research revealed it to be about as decadent as a particularly edgy Tel Aviv laundromat.
Yet the Daily Freier wanted to get “all the facts” so it set out on a deep investigation of this topic to include reading a Times of Israel article and taking the bus to Jerusalem and walking around. According to the article, one of Mr. Litzman’s objections to the market is that recently two drunk women accidentally wandered into a nearby Yeshiva, a tragedy that the traumatized Yeshiva bochers have no doubt reacted to by telling and re-telling the story to their friends a thousand times, each re-telling somehow better and more exciting than the last.
In addition, Litzman claimed to have witnessed cannabis use in the market, leading the Daily Freier to send his office an official inquiry as to the specific part of the Market where he witnessed this so-called “cannabis”. And whether these “cannabis users” were passing it around or just being a dick about it keeping it to themselves. And whether they still had any left.
Furthermore, Mr. Litzman said that “if people want to have such a raucous nightlife, they should do so outside the capital.” Wait a minute…. he really really did say this. Sorry, writing satire is just getting harder and harder for us. Anyhoo, Jerusalemites who want to have a good time are invited to take the high-speed rail line to Tel Aviv, which will be ready last March/Bzrat HaShem/in the Fall/Inshallah/after the Chagim/Before Moschiach/when Hanin Zoabi and Matisyahu record a duet/ next Pesach “soon”.
Fortunately, this extreme action seems unlikely to take place, for just because Mr. Litzman controls a powerful bloc of voters, mainstream Israeli politicians would never sell out their constituents just to gain a short-term political advanta…….Bwahahahahahahaha! Good luck, Jerusalem!
Jerusalem: The search is on for a new Israeli national anthem: one which is inclusive, sensitive and non-offensive. A source in the Prime minister’s office tells the Daily Freier that the Prime minister was inspired by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Zoolander Trudeau’s bold move of altering Canada’s national anthem to gender-neutral wording (yes… really.) “Hatikva is a pretty song, but it fails to take into account the people who actually don’t have hope…. you know, like people holding for Hot Cable’s Customer Service, the people waiting for Tel Aviv’s light rail, and your friend who is still stuck at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Beit Shemesh.” noted Ari S., an aide in the Prime Minister’s Public Relations Office. “And what about the line “Ayin l’tzion tsofiya“… it’s so insensitive to the Blind!”
“Bibi is obsessed with Canada.” Ari explained. “He’s kinda jealous of all the attention Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau gets… and Justin’s majestic head of hair.” Ari revealed that the Prime minister called an all-night staff meeting to determine why Canada is popular and Israel isn’t. “Somebody suggested that the difference in popularity was due to… you know…. the latent worldwide climate of Anti-Semitism… but that got shot down when one of Bibi’s assistants brought up the fact that Israeli ice hockey still sucks and that it’s difficult to find good poutine in the Mercaz, let alone in the periphery.”
The new inclusive, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory national anthem is currently being recorded as a duet by Dana International and Noa. And in a cool tie-in, on the same day as the release of the single, the Wildlife Authority will release a herd of moose into the Golan Heights. “This is going to be the most Canadian thing ever.” explained Ari. “More Canadian than Gordon Lighfoot and Shania Twain drunk-driving a Zamboni machine into a Tim Horton’s.”
We hereby demand that the Knesset reinstate MK Oren Hazan, immediately and unconditionally. Why? Because we are trying to run a humor site over here, and Oren is the greatest cure to writer’s block since Yair Netanyahu stopped inviting us out to the clubs.
Without Oren Hazan around, who is going to wave a tasty Tortit brand chocolate bar in Aymen Odeh’s face? Nobody, that’s who.
Not to mention the fact that this suspension is putting at risk the Knesset’s greatest “Fun Couple”: Oren and Hanin Zoabi. Without Mr. Hazan around, nobody knows what Ms. Zoabi will do next. Actually, we have an idea. But it’s nuts.
Bnai Brak: Human rights groups are in an uproar today after Israeli police used extreme measures to break up a mob blocking traffic to protest the jailing of Haredi draft dodgers. With traffic at a standstill, police took the unprecedented step of bombarding the protesters with a combination of job applications, brochures for the Nahal Haredi religious combat unit, and applications for vocational/skills training, and thus forced the rioters to flee in panic. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to get all the facts.
As police continued to disperse the mob and open lanes for traffic, on-scene Commander Mickey S. explained his team’s tactics. “So they kept running into traffic, blocking cars, and annoying our horses. We had no idea what to do. Anyway, after they called us Nazis and Shiksas for about an hour, I had an idea. It was like, I don’t know… what is the one thing that Superman hates? Kryptonite? So what if there was Kryptonite…. for work-shy professional tough guys who only act tough in big groups and when confronting lone female soldiers. And then we remembered the riots last winter. And the idea hit me: Jobs! These guys are scared to death of jobs! So we gathered up a bunch of job applications and started throwing them at the rioters. Worked like magic.”
For their part, the protesters were NOT happy. The Daily Freier caught up with one young man named Nahum as he hurried back to study (Ha Ha! Just kidding! He was smoking cigarettes and yelling at cops from a safe distance!). “This was inhuman! They acted like Nazis!” As the Daily Freier rushed to write down Nahum’s statement, he suddenly looked at our notepad. “Wait. Is that a job application? Get that away from me!”
As the rioters slowly drifted off, Nahum promised that they would return in even greater numbers tomorrow, just as soon as they checked to see if their monthly educational stipend checks arrived from the Government yet.
So apparently Israel’s $480 Million purchase of German submarines wasn’t entirely Kosher LaPesach, and Prime Minister Netanyahu’s friends keep getting arrested in what is no doubt just a big misunderstanding. Because the police are using some very hurtful words. Like “Bribery“. And “Tax Evasion“. And “Fraud“. But the intrepid journalists at the Daily Freier knew that there had to be a good reason for all of this, and sure enough, The Prime Minister provided us with 10 amazingly convincing explanations. So without further ado, here they are:
By The Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade, a Division of +972
Last Updated 7/3/2022
Al-Quds: In a dramatic last-minute political coup, Prime Minister Hanin Zoabi clinched a majority coalition after promising the Shas and United Torah Judaism political parties increased subsidies, a complete deferment of military service for Yeshiva Students, full veto power over future conversions, plus total control over the Western Wall. The newly re-named Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade was on the scene at the Knesset Majlis to get all of the details on this exciting development.
A defiant MK Litzman explained his decision to join Prime Minister Zoabi’s Cabinet. “People are saying this may be the end of the State of Israel, and I tell them ‘So what?’ I mean, we stood up for principles and refused to give in to a bunch of fake Jews. Plus, our subsidies went up 20%. Now if you’ll excuse me, Foreign Minister Tibi is calling a meeting on Implementation Phase One for the Right of Return.”
Despite a final push to unite the Zionist Parties and withstand Zoabi’s coalition, it was all for naught. At a hastily held Press Conference, their former leaders tried to make sense of it all. Zehava Gal-On admitted that it would have been smarter to also campaign east of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. Next, Bougie Herzog was supposed to address the audience but nobody remembered to call him. Later, Tzipi Livni explained how things would have worked out better if she had been in charge. Meanwhile, a despondent Bibi Netanyahu sulked in the corner. “I can’t believe that Shas and United Torah Judaism would betray me like this. I mean, what kind of person goes back on a deal simply for a short-term political gain?”
For her part, Prime Minister Zoabi was quite relaxed about the maneuver. “I had to promise them full control over the Wall and the Conversion process. But I figure, ‘Let the Dhimmis sort out the Dhimmis.’ You know what I’m saying? Not my business…. Plus, I had to promise Universal Draft Deferments for all Yeshiva students between the age of 18 and 40, but it was worth it. Besides, I have no idea what General Barghouti will want to do with the “IDF” once it merges into Fatah’s Security Service.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.