Tag: Barack Obama

Here, Mr. Kerry. Let me help you pack your bags.

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

Hey Mister Secretary! That was a world-class speech you just gave today. Now that you’re done with your speech, I think it’s time we start to pack your things for the big move. I mean, you know how hard it is to get anything done in DC the week after New Years. What’s that? You say you still have 23 days left in office? I know, I know. Folks in our part of the world are holding a bit of a countdown.

What’s that you say? You’re not finished? There is so much more to do? But you’ve already done so much. Syria. Libya. Iraq. Iran. Ukraine. And with today’s speech, another feather in your cap! So please, let’s at least go through your stuff. Here, I’ll start.

Mister Secretary, let me say I am impressed with your bookshelf. But… Your “Fodor’s Guide to Israel“?  Something tells me you won’t be getting a lot of invitations from Israelis to visit. I’m going to put this one in the “Toss” bin.

Your guide to Egypt? Not sure if the invites will be streaming in from there either. Toss.

Wait, here is your 2010 Edition of the “Lonely Planet Guide to Syria.” I see you have the chapters on Aleppo and Palmyra bookmarked. Wait, you say you want to keep it? So….yeah. Maybe you should call your friend Mr. Lavrov on this one. Toss.

OK, here’s one. “A Conde Nast Guide to Europe”! So, it’s just that…demographics…have changed a bit since your Boss’s good old “Red Line” to Assad back in 2013. So yeah. I’d take that trip to Europe in the next couple months if I were you.  I’ll put this one in the “Keep” pile. But let me just underline in red ink the neighborhoods in Paris, Berlin and Brussels that you may want to avoid.

Wait… Here’s a folder with “POTUS Run 2020” written on it. Really? I mean, last time you lost to a guy who fell off a Segway and seemed to struggle with the English Language. Oh don’t look at me like that Mister Secretary. I guess you could say I was for this idea before I was against it. Toss.

Wait a minute. Here’s another folder. “Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech Drafts“. Oh come on. I think we’re lying to ourselves right now Mister Secretary. Hey! Give me that! Now Now Mister Secretary. Now put it down. So it seems we need a “Doctor Phil Tough Love Moment” right now. That’s good. Now how does that feel? Toss.

So, Mister Secretary. I think we made some real progress today. I’ll be by tomorrow morning to finish the job. Happy Chanukah!

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‘Don’t move U.S. Embassy from Tel Aviv!’ warns guy who will hold your phone for 15 Shekels while you’re at U.S. Embassy in Tel Aviv

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/23/2016 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: As a certain President-Elect (Also known as HaShem’s early Chanukah gift to humor writers) selects a team that appears to actually really really want to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, voices are crying out against such a radical move. Voices that are saying “Stop! Such a unilateral move is too risky! You’re going to ruin everything we have worked for!” Are these the words of noted diplomat and windsurfer John Kerry? The President who knows what’s good for Israel better than Israel knows what’s good for Israel? The New York Times? Purveyor of Received Wisdom Thomas Friedman?  Not really. Actually, these are the words of Benny, the guy with the shop across from the U.S. Embassy on HaYarkon Street, who will hold your phone for the mere price of 15 Shekels while you are doing whatever you are doing in there.

The Embassy, whose strict rule of  Absolutely No Cellphones on site has forced its Israeli Local Hire employees to sext each other via fax, has proven to be a goldmine to the guy in the shop across the street with the World’s Greatest Business Model. Specifically: Open a Shop Across From The U.S Embassy and Charge People 15 Shekels to Hold Their Cellphones While They are Inside the U.S. Embassy. Benny explained his philosophy.

I don’t understand why you would want to move the Embassy. You have everything here. the beach, restaurants….me. Think about it. When you need a place to put your phone? Boom! Here I am! And how can you be sure that the guy who takes your phone in Jerusalem will be up to the job? He will probably have to close the shop for Shachrit, Mincha, and the rest of that stuff. Me? I’m always here. Am Yisrael Chai. God Bless the USA.

Benny continued to explain his specific predicament. “My wife doesn’t know about the Embassy move yet. And I saw her pricing tickets on the Internet for a trip to Rome this Spring. And new furniture for the living room. I’m dying over here. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I can call Mister Trump. He seems like a regular guy. Maybe we can make a deal.

Before making the call, Benny plans to gather other concerned stakeholders to include the Embassy Marine guards, who have come to appreciate being stationed 50 meters from Tel Aviv Beaches full of women from Tel Aviv, the bartender at Mike’s Place who needs to save up for a trip to South America, and the State Department Employees who will need to lie to their wives/husbands/significant others and say that Jerusalem really really has a great night life….you just need to look a littler harder.

 

 

 

 

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People of Israel, You’re Welcome.

Sometimes, when one has received a helping hand …. or as we used to say in Chicago, “a solid“, it can be difficult to truly explain the emotions that one feels. Like gratitude. And that’s kind of the situation where we are right now. And by “we” I mean “you” the people of Israel. and “me” The President of the United States.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot that you can be thankful for. I mean, people have come up with a lot of ideas for peace. Bill Clinton did the whole “Peace Process” thing. And I suppose his idea of gaining the love and trust of the Israeli people before demanding tough concessions was a good idea… for the 90’s.

And I guess George W. Bush had an interesting plan as far as it goes in terms of building a deep personal bond with Ariel Sharon. But what did he get, besides Israel completely withdrawing from Gaza after 40 years  and handing it over to the Palestinian Authority? Are you following?

So clearly, this problem was crying out for a new way of doing business. And that’s where I came in.

I know it’s been a while, but let’s look back to 2009 when I flew over here to address the Muslim World and notably didn’t take a detour to say hi to Israel. Brilliance. Or again, for a bit of Chicago vernacular, I flipped the script …. But it gets better.

Remember the Arab Spring? Gotta say, that Mubarak character was a bit of “old hat“. Why not take a spin with the Muslim Brotherhood?  As my friend Hillary would say, “What difference does it make?

Which brings us to Syria. So there’s some folks who said the best path was to just do nothing and keep quiet. Bu that doesn’t represent. Our values. As Americans. And then you had some folks popping off. Saying we should establish a No-Fly Zone. But all of these folks failed to see the Third Approach: lecture and criticize Putin and Assad without actually, like, doing anything to back it up. And bang!  We were able to bear witness and hold Putin Assad accountable, without, like, actually having to hold them accountable.

Now when we look at the Iran Deal, a lot of folks said it couldn’t be done.  That our positions were too far apart.  And then we had some folks. Right here in Israel. And they were popping off about this. Without knowing. All the facts. But they didn’t have the big picture. Which I had.  And my Administration showed. That if you just gave Iran everything they asked for plus 20%, that they could be reasonable.

So after spending eight years with someone, you’re able to know what your partner is saying without them saying anything at all. Like that Alison Krauss song that’s so popular with the Deplorables  rural folks. So I hear what you’re saying, Israel. And all I have to say, is ‘You’re welcome‘.

Obama out.

Hollywood Acting Coach now teaching Bibi to say with a straight face that he will miss Obama

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/19/2016 at 11:00 PM

Jerusalem: With the Era of Trump only 2 months away, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu is racing against time to master an impossible task: the ability to tell outgoing U.S. President Barack Obama that he will miss him without giggling like a schoolgirl at a One Direction autograph signing. To meet this nearly insurmountable task, the Likud Party has enlisted the help of Joey Feldman, Acting Coach to the Stars. The Daily Freier managed to speak with Joey between rehearsal takes at the Prime Minister’s Residence.

Listen pal, I’ve been in this business for forty years, and trust me, I’ve seen it all and done it all. I got all of the Eagles to pretend they liked each other for their Reunion Tour. I managed to convince the World for almost a decade and a half that Ricky Martin was into chicks. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING compared to this challenge. I’ve got less than seven weeks to teach this Bibi character to say that he’s going to miss Obama and all the good times they’ve had. I’m pulling my hair out over here.

Joey led us into the rehearsal studio he had set up in the Prime Minister’s living room and allowed us to sit in on his coaching.

OK Bibi baby. One more time. From the Top….And…. GO!

Mr. President, as you and Michelle prepare for the next Chapter in your lives, I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, that I will not miss…. I mean I will miss….. I’m sorry. This is too much!” At this point the Prime Minister chuckled and looked around the room embarrassed.

Bibi Baby. You’re killing me over here. What’s the problem now?”

I’m sorry Joey. I just can’t lie this much. And believe me, I’ve told some whoppers in my day.

OK, Bibi. Let’s run with that…… Sit back, relax….. and pretend that you need to tell a junket of American Jews that you won’t let the Rabbanut run the show on Conversions and Weddings in Israel.

And the next take went surprisingly well.

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The Karate Kid, Part IV: The Appeasement

The Karate Kid, Part IV: The Appeasement DailyFreier Israellycool[SCENE: A California Beach]

Pretty Girl: Hi! My name is Ally!

Young Man: Hi my name is Daniel. But my friends call me Barry. I’m from Hawaii.

Ally: That is so cool!

Daniel: Yes. Yes it is. Say, who is that large angry guy walking over?

Ally: OMG, that’s my ex, Johnny Khameini. He’s in that Karate Gang called Cobrazbullah Kai.  I hate him.

Johnny: Hey Ally, whose this tool?

Ally: Johnny, stop!

Daniel: It’s OK, Ally. I can reason with him. Johnny, I understand you may have some legitimate grievances against me. I’ve come to your land and now I’m trying to impose my values on….

[Johnny beats the crap out of Daniel]

Daniel: To be perfectly frank, I deserved that.

——————————————————–

[SCENE: Outside a High School Dance. Daniel is running from a gang]

Johnny: I’m gonna kick your ass Daniel!

Daniel: I don’t think you’re being very productive with that kind of talk!

[Johnny and the Cobrazbullah Kai Gang jump Daniel. An old man who looks kinda Japanese but kinda Jewish appears and fights off the attackers]

Daniel: Thank you old man, but I was just about to convince those guys that there are better ways to work out their deep-seated yet legitimate grievances. By the way, what’s your name?

Old Man: I am Mr. Bibiyagi. And you must learn to stand up for yourself and stop being such a…..such a…… Freier.

Daniel: Quite frankly, that kind of popping off is just not helpful.

Mr. Bibiyagi: (Sighs) Here, let me teach you some moves.

[Shows Daniel ‘Wax on, Wax off’]

————————————————–

[Scene: Three Months Later. A Big Karate Tournament.]

Mr. Bibiyagi: Daniel-san, are you ready to spar with Johnny Khameini?

Daniel: Yeah…. about that. Listen, Mr. Bibiyagi. I appreciate your advice, even when, quite frankly, it was wrong. And I know that you think you know a lot about karate.  But listen: I once lived in Indonesia for a year. So I know some things that you don’t necessarily know. Anyway, I came up with a better idea, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to spar with Johnny in the tournament.  Here it comes right now.

[A forklift enters the arena and drops a pallet of $100 Bills in front of Johnny]

Daniel: Here’s the money, Johnny. 400 Million. So are we cool?

Johnny (laughing): Sure we are, Daniel. Sure we are…..Until next month that is.

Daniel: That sounds fair.

Mr. Bibiyagi: Oy gevalt. [Places head in hands.Walks away]

[Fade to Black]

(This article was first published over at Israellycool!)

 

 

 

Our Baseball Team forfeited to JV again ‘cuz Coach O wouldn’t tell the Bus Driver who we’re playing against

We Forfeited another game to JV today 'cuz Coach O wouldn't tell the Bus Driver who We're Playing Daily Freier So we forfeited the baseball game again today to another school that Coach O called a “Junior Varsity Team”. I was really excited to make Varsity as a sophomore, but losing 3 times in a row sucks. Coach O says it’s because “We’ve lost our focus”. But maybe it’s because he wouldn’t tell us who we were playing…

(We guest-wrote this today for IsraellyCool! Read the entire story here!)

The Book of Esther, as told by Barack Obama

Sometimes I feel that after 7 years of my reign as King of Shushan, I am still cleaning up a big mess. A mess that’s not my fault. I inherited the worst economy in the history of Persia. Wars with the Babylonians and the Chaldeans.  And the climate was changing from burning too much cow dung. So it would be a mistake to hold me responsible for the current situation. Context, people.

And now folks are complaining about Haman.  Saying he wants to kill the Jews. But Haman was in fact appointed by the previous Administration’s King. Not naming any names, but he goes by “W the Younger”. So a lot of folks are getting upset about Haman. And to be truthful, for outsiders like Mordecai to pop off with their opinions. Without the facts….. well it just isn’t helpful. And it makes my job as King more difficult.

Now back to Haman….

If Haman is not careful; and if he continues to act in this manner; then he should not be surprised if we choose to take drastic measures. Such as making thousands of Cuneiform “Hashtags” on clay tablets that say “#NoToHaman”….. So he needs to watch himself.  And I tell Haman not to call my bluff.

But back to the problem at hand….

So Queen Esther and Mordecai, they’re quite religious. And sometimes, when folks have been left behind by the Iron Age, they cling bitterly to their slingshots and their religion. And to be truthful, Mordecai simply does not have the unique background and education to truly appreciate the situation. Like I do.

Now some folks want me to step in and stop what they call a potential “genocide” in Shushan. Because they say Haman wants to kill the Jews. But it is not that simple. I’ve spoken to Mordecai.   And quite frankly, he is often wrong. Now Mordecai seems to think that Haman does not have…..legitimate grievances. And to be frank,  Haman can be a real hothead. Truthfully, both of them disappoint me. There’s plenty of blame to go around. Everyone’s a little wrong. Except me of course.  But it’s my job. As the leader. To rise above. These petty grievances. And try to find. A consensus.

Now Let me be perfectly clear.  The statements made by Haman, they constitute a red line.  And if it was up to me, you can rest assured that there would be severe repercussions for his actions.  But unfortunately, here in Shushan, as your King I am not in a position to simply do these things.  First we must consult with the council of provincial chieftains.  And quite frankly, the council has been quite obstructionist.  Now some may say that they’re acting this way out of personal dislike for me.  And some of the folks in the Casbah who perform right-wing poetry and folklore, well they’re not too helpful. Like Rushambian Limbaughvus.  Guys like him.

Anyways, where was I? Oh Yes, Haman.  Haman needs to know that he’s on the wrong side of history.  Aaaand he needs to get with the program.  I mean, we’re here in Shushan and it’s already like the 3rd Century Before The Common Era. Get with the program.

Now Haman’s supposed plan. To kill the Jews. Looks serious. So I have dispatched. My grand vizier. Johnius Kerryezer. To look into it. And he’s working. With our regional allies. And within the framework of the world. As we currently know it.

So Mordecai says that Haman is constructing gallows. So these gallows, they don’t yet exist. Now Mordecai thinks they’ll be ready next month. But he doesn’t see the intelligence that I see. I have the best wizards and magicians in Persia. So for him to pop off like that, frankly, it’s chickenshit unprofessional. Anyhow, I’ve talked to Haman, and he says that the gallows are for scientific research. And if we want to truly build relationships and end the old quarrels, quite frankly we need to take Haman at his word.  And find a consensus.  So I have some great news.

Minister Johnius Kerryezer has struck a deal with Haman.  Haman will refrain from building the gallows for around 10 years. Or at least to the end of my reign one moon after the next Winter Solstice.  Which is a really long time. But hopefully a few years. I will have completed my third papyrus scroll by then. And I will be in my second career of performing oratory lectures throughout the land. But back to the deal….

In exchange for Haman’s promise, the treasury will release to him 50 thousand ingots of gold.  Prince Josephus Bidenopolos is on his way as we speak to deliver the news to Mordecai. So people of Shushan, I’ve solved your problems again. You’re welcome.

Israel Accuses Iran of Secretly Producing Gluten

AFP0172414-01-08625975_big.jpg

(Photo Credit: AFP)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 12/8/2015 at 12:20 PM

Jerusalem: In a tense press conference, Prime Minister Netanyahu made his strongest accusation to date: that Iran had a clandestine plan in place to manufacture the substance most feared by White Western Progressives: Gluten. Netanyahu walked an at-first skeptical media step by step on Iran’s dual-use bakeries, illegal import of non-EU compliant pasta, and an array of centrifuges spinning high-grade gluten out of low-grade pita bread.

The International Community reacted in panic, with multiple food co-ops in Hendon, San Francisco, Ann Arbor, and Ithaca shutting down temporarily in a panic. Ann Arbor Peoples’ Socialist Inclusive Food and Wellness Cooperative Collective Chairperson, NightSky Dyson summed up the feeling of the Progressive Community. “ When I saw Netanyahu’s speech, I thought it was going to be more of his ‘Iran’s getting the bomb’ blah-blah bullshit. But this…..this is serious. Sorry, I need to go; we’re going to need to stock up on a LOT more yogurt cultures. Wait….do you think we can blame this on the Occupation?”

The Jewish Progressive Left was equally confused. Jeremy Ben-Ami, Grand Poobah over at J-Street, summed up the feelings of angst. “I hope you appreciate how delicate this situation is. There is only one thing that my constituents dislike more than Israel Netanyahu’s policies, and that’s gluten.”

The reaction of the American political class was equally swift. Noted purveyor of wisdom Donald Trump declared that he would have cut a better deal with the Iranians that would have left them with only gluten-free products. President Obama admonished Americans not to discuss “so-called gluten” and that the current development was just the work of “some folks on the wrong side of dietary history”. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned that during her tenure, she flew 900,000 miles trying to combat gluten, while current Secretary of State Kerry noted that he was for gluten before he was against it. Former President Clinton adamantly declared that he in fact did not have sexual relations with that gluten.