Tag: Welcome to Israel

Guest Writer Wednesday, The Donald May 23, 2017May 23, 2017

Let’s play “The Donald’s Mid-East Bingo”!

Last Updated 5/23/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Heading abroad amidst a string of major gaffes, United States President Donald Trump has found an unexpected success: uniting Palestinians and Israelis. No, the world’s most powerful son-in-law Jared Kushner has not gotten the two sides to agree on anything at all, but The Trump Administration has united the two sides in a massive game of Middle East Bingo. And we have the cards to prove it.

When Trump makes a gaffe that insults either side, they mark the offense. (Israelis use a tiny kippah and Palestinians use the rusty keys that open their father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s ex-girlfriend’s former roommate’s former home. Or a filing cabinet.) Given Trump’s propensity for surprising the world with completely bizarre and unexpected comments, each side will be allowed Wild Card boxes. They can be anywhere on the card because, like our borders, we can’t all agree on where to put them.

Players can also choose not to play for their own nationality and instead choose to play merely by which side Trump will be first to offend the most. Each card has a range of severity, from gaffes that cause unanimous laughter (such as admitting how much he relates to the song ‘Golden Boy’) to scandal-inducing comments that lead to an absolute shutdown of the peace process entirely, with both sides slamming their doors shut with signs out front saying to come back after Trump’s been impeached. Seriously, they’ll even take Mike Pence.

Some of the offenses are the same for both groups. Pronouncing hummus with the American pronunciation “hum-us” is a high offense to both parties. There’s also a hummus specific wild card for any hummus-related atrocities, such as Trump confessing he loves Hummus Quinoa Cakes. Both sides also have the box for offending everyone by saying the Israelis had the right idea with their border wall and asked how Israel got the Palestinians to pay for it.

Options on the Palestinian card include using a mobile version of the red button to order a BLT while visiting Al Aqsa, referring to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria, calling Mahmoud Abbas “Bashar”, and referring to someone whose name he doesn’t know as Abu. Probably the most controversial, albeit not unexpected, options is the announcement that the US Embassy will be moved from Tel Aviv to East Jerusalem. However, everyone is most eager to get the chance to mark the box if someone convinces Trump that all speeches in the region are started with the terms of endearment, ‘sharmuta’ and ‘kusemek.’ Palestinians don’t get to have all the fun though as the Israelis have a similar box for if someone convinces Trump to greet a woman as ‘bat zona.’

For the Israelis, there’s the complete possibility Trump will visit Masada, look around at the ruins and declare that he “really prefers Jews who didn’t commit mass suicide.” Additionally, there’s a wholehearted expectation he’ll ask how Israel functions when everyone works in banks. “Your army must have very organized finances!” is expected to be met with the sound of an entire country in collective laughter. It also wouldn’t be surprising to hear him admit his visit to Masada was cancelled when he found out he couldn’t turn it into a hotel since he had planned to drop down the giant gold Trump sign from his helicopter while he was here. Another alarming possibility is the outcry he could cause by collecting the notes from the Kotel, insisting they are Hillary’s missing emails.

Each side is so engrossed in the competition that they have even taken to trying to sway the game in their favor. through the fine art of trolling. Religious Jews in Jerusalem have been hanging extra tallits out with the wash in hopes of getting Trump to admit he thinks Jews have sex through a hole in the sheet. If successful, they get to mark a sex-specific Wild Card box in case Trump finds a way to relate this to his own amazing abilities in the sack.

Across the Green Line, Palestinians have changed literally every restaurant’s name to “Aloha Snackbar” in order to trigger Trump’s tendency to talk about whatever is right in front of him and get him to say “Allahu Akbar“, just to see if Steve Bannon will totally lose his mind.

Competition is fierce as each side has decided they are likely better off by letting the victor set the parameters for a long-term peace solution than they would be with any negotiations involving the Trump Administration.

The Donald, Yom Ha'atzmaut May 2, 2017May 9, 2019

Air Force One Accidentally Joins Israeli Independence Day Flyover

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 10:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.

The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.

The crowd ooooohed and aaaaahed but it was clear that the annual display was only supposed to feature F-35’s, F-52’s, B-52s, Commodore 64s, paper planes, the helicopter from the A-Team, the Starship Enterprise, the hot air balloon starring Wonderwoman Gal Gadot, and a drone owned by patriotic forgetful taxpayer/model Bar Refaeli. Incidentally, United Airlines was not invited. And El Al was late. And then, out of nowhere, a plume of orange smoke sent terrified beachgoers diving for cover.

The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69” tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.

Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.”

North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.

#goingtohellinahandbasket
#hunkerdownandprayfordaylight

Aliyah April 29, 2017

Philadelphia man celebrates 6th year of being “just about to make Aliyah”

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/28/2017 at 3:30 PM

Bucks County, Pennsylvania: With Yom Haatzmaut (Israeli Independence Day) right around the corner, Israelis are celebrating another milestone: the 6th Anniversary of Philadelphia-area resident Jeremy S. being “just about to make Aliyah“. Jeremy, a 29-year-old technical writer and musician, has been “like almost ready” to make the return to Zion since attending a Matisyahu concert in April of 2011 “that like really changed the way I look at life“. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeremy about his on-again/off-again longing for Eretz Yisrael.

“So I’m still like super-stoked to do this.” Jeremy explained, as he ate lunch at a hummus place near Cherry Hill. “But at first it was like, Wait. The Army??? I don’t want to peel potatoes for three years. Maybe if I was promised Intelligence or something. But then there’s my Hebrew. And Ulpan just seems super hard and not really like focused on my needs, you know? Like my friend says it’s full of the French and Ukrainians. So maybe when a lot of Americans start to make Aliyah it will be better for me? I would even do a class with some Canadians.”

Jeremy is already on his 3rd Aliyah Counselor, with his first Aliyah counselor rapidly approaching mandatory retirement age. Additionally, half of the people in his original planned Aliyah group have already integrated into society and become so Israeli that in the Spring of 2015 they moved to Berlin for economic reasons.

Jeremy’s Rabbi in suburban Philly has so far written six letters to the Israeli Government attesting to Jeremy’s membership in the Covenant of Abraham. Rabbi Stanley Green, of Congregation Agudath Israel, has become so exasperated with the process that for the latest request he simply took a sheet of Synagogue letterhead and scrawled with a pen “Not again! He’s still Jewish!”

Jeremy’s gutsy almost-decision has affected his family as well. His mom Linda joined us via Skype after we helped explain “what all of the buttons on the computer do” and shared her concerns. “As a parent, you never stop worrying about your kids.” Linda explained. “So with the crazy situation over there in the Middle East, and Jeremy almost sort of moving there, well you can imagine my almost sort of anxiety. I’m just concerned that if Matisyahu’s band or those nice girls in A-WA tour the East Coast again this Summer, that Jeremy might take the next step and schedule another Aliyah appointment in Manhattan with Nefesh B’Nefesh. But I’m pretty sure Nefesh started screening his calls some time in 2014.”

Reaction to Jeremy’s slow-motion-Aliyah within the Greater Tel Aviv Community have been rather mixed. North Tel Aviv resident Mark S. explained. “So he subletted my apartment in July 2015 because he was ‘this close‘ to moving here for good. And at the end he asked if he could leave a bag in my apartment because he was ‘like definitely making Aliyah after the High Holidays.‘ I guess the joke is on me because he didn’t specify the exact year of the High Holidays after which he would make Aliyah. Also I checked the bag last week and it contains parts of a tent, a tea set, a pair of drawstring linen trousers, some old vitamins, and spices from the Shuk.”

While Jeremy remains on the fence in terms of Aliyah, he has not allowed his cold feet to limit his social activism on behalf of the Almost Maybe Possible Future Olim Community. He started a Facebook group called “Keep Almost Olim Almost in Israel” dedicated to the unique needs and issues facing Almost Olim, to include the lack of support provided by Nefesh B’Nefesh for those who have been about to make Aliyah since Obama’s first term. Jeremy is also contemplating going onto Secret Tel Aviv and asking for future free stuff for when he becomes a Lone Soldier.

Dating and Relationships, Start Up Nation April 19, 2017April 19, 2017

Newest Instagram Craze? “Hot Israelis cutting you in line”

(Photo Credit: Lee Saunders)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/19/2017 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Geula: After the success of “Hotdudesandhummus“, the various “Hot Israeli Army girls“, and “Hot Israeli guys” pages, Israel and the entire Jewish World are going crazy for the newest Instagram phenomenon: “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“. The Daily Freier walked the streets to find out just what the buzz is all about.

As we walked past Geula Street, we immediately saw an opportunity to submit a photo of our own, as a rather dapper guy (named “Guy”) was busy sidling himself toward the front of a long line “because I just have a question“. And the reaction to Guy’s chutzpadik ranged the spectrum. At the back of the line, Neve Tzedek artist Dalit was not happy at all. “Who does this man think he is? He is acting like he owns the place……It’s as if he thinks that having amazing facial hair gives some sort of privilege.”

On the other hand, alert local Ronit S., whom Guy eased past in line on totally false pretenses, was rather smitten. “The way he just walked parallel to the line pretending to talk to the stranger in front of me before easing in the line between us. This guy is an expert line-cutter.” Ronit noted as she twirled her hair and looked at the line’s latest intruder. “Also he seems kind of familiar. I think we might have umm…. nifgashnu… in the Army.”

With the success of “Hot Israelis cutting you in Line“, the developers plan to roll out several other pages for the Summer season, including “Hot Israelis hitting you in the head with a speeding matkot ball“, “Hot Israelis parking their cars on your sidewalk“, and “Hot Israelis almost knocking you over with their electric bicycles“.

Start Up Nation, Transportation April 15, 2017April 15, 2017

Week of mid-flight incidents somehow leaves El Al as America’s favorite Airline

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/15/2017 at 9:30 PM

Ben Gurion Airport: There may be crippling strikes, constant davening, and 16 bags per person, but El Al this week succeeded in dislodging United Airlines as America’s favourite airline.

In a poll conducted by the World Wrestling Federation, El Al took top spot for customer service, ahead of previously lovable United Airlines, whose staff, it emerged, are trained in Krav Maga. In violence not seen since Saving Private Ryan, a man was ripped out of his seat and schlepped down the aisle. Speculation that the doctor had removed his seatbelt before the seatbelt sign was turned off proved untrue as his seat was soon filled by trolley dolly Britney, who was, ‘like, late for her shift and had, like, a party to go to’.

A delighted El Al spokesperson said: “While we are thrilled that our aggressive apathy is the new norm, we would draw the line at such aggression shown by United. That is usually reserved for our nation’s Post Office. Also, in Israeli culture, being dragged down the aisle means something else…. Usually, you have 12 months till you need to give them grandchildren.”

Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv April 8, 2017

Hey Guys! Someone just posted a map of the Shuk on Secret Tel Aviv!

By Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 4/8/2017 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Sderot Ben Gurion: Citizens of Tel Aviv who decided to saunter on Sderot Ben Gurion on a recent sunny afternoon encountered multiple handmade posters explaining directions to a very specific spot. As for the women of Tel Aviv, the meaning of the poster was quite obvious and their reactions varied from laughing to blushing. But for most Tel Aviv men it still remains a mystery.

The Daily Freier couldn’t miss an opportunity to speak with the city’s baffled male citizens. First, we approached Tal, a married father of two, who was pushing his twins in a stroller. “I’m not sure what this poster means. Is that a new campaign for Waze? They keep coming out with new updates!”

Nadav, who was hauling a few bags of beer from the AM:PM store, stopped and joined our conversation. “I’m not quite sure what it is either but I think it’s…well, you know…emmm…a map of Shuk HaCarmel”. Nadav put his bags on the ground and removed the poster from the street sign in order to add it to his, as he said, “collection of funny stuff”.

Recent Tel Avivi Guy corroborated Nadav’s concerns. “This is so familiar! Yet it’s still a mystery! I know! Let’s post it to Secret Tel Aviv and let the entire city crowdsource the answer!” (SPOILER ALERT: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED)

As we walked down Ben Gurion, we caught alert local Ronit S. in the act of putting up one of the posters on the corner of Ben Yehuda. “Okay Okay, now you know. I can’t keep the secret any longer. I drew the poster. My ex lives on Ben Gurion and that was my message for him….and also my three previous ex boyfriends.”

Home Economics, Pesach, Tel Aviv Living March 30, 2017April 11, 2019

Giant Carp from Tel Aviv’s Bialik Fountain placed in Protective Custody until after Passover

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/30/2017 at 3:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Square: With the Passover holiday only days away and preparations in full swing, Tel Aviv police executed a pre-dawn extraction operation, moving the giant carp that lives in the pool on Bialik Street to a place up in Ramat Aviv an undisclosed location. The move, dubbed “Operation EYN GEFILTE” serves to protect the well-being of a prominent citizen of Central Tel Aviv, Yoel the giant carp. The Daily Freier spoke with Yoel by Skype as he adjusted to his new circumstances.

Yoel explained his predicament. “I really like my neighborhood. The old city hall is gorgeously backlit at night. And the jasmine flowers in the summer time smell amazing. But right about now, things just aren’t OK. I’m starting to get a lot of unwanted attention. This Russian speaking lady comes by every day with her grandson. And the grandson really likes it and sometimes throws bread in, which is great. I mean, no complaints. But lately, the portions have gotten suspiciously bigger. And soaked in chicken fat. Also, yesterday as I snatched the breadcrumbs, she held a measuring stick up to me and then held it up against a metal 4 liter pot. And get this….the whole time, she never broke eye contact with me and never stopped smiling.”

Yoel continued. “There is another woman who always stops by after taking her kids to Gan. Quiet. Usually she just sits on the ledge and reads a book. But yesterday she sprinkled paprika and coriander into the water. And listen, I’m not paranoid. I mean, it’s not just me. Last week, one of the pigeons that stops by to snatch stray breadcrumbs told me that a Moroccan family moved into the building he nests on top of and now his friends keep disappearing.

Despite Yoel’s willingness to speak to the media about his fears, key questions remained unanswered. When asked the secret to how he was able to get so big, Yoel suddenly got very quiet. Also, we noticed that none of the other fish seemed to want to pass near him.

Tel Aviv Living March 28, 2017March 28, 2017

Tel Aviv man arrested for driving a golf cart while under the age of 70

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/28/2017 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano: Police moved swiftly today to detain a man riding a golf cart around town after receiving an anonymous tip from a concerned eyewitness of a man riding down Ibn Gavriol who only appeared to be in his late early 50’s. The Daily Freier walked down to the police station on Dizengoff and Jabotinsky to find out what the deal was.

When the Daily Freier arrived, police had cordoned off the front of the station, as a gang of irate Senior Citizens on golf carts had converged on the station. The older Israelis continuously attempted to breach the police skirmish line in an effort to get at the young(ish) man who had dared to ride a golf cart. After finally passing inside, the Daily Freier spoke to the lead detective on the case, Avner T., who explained the seriousness of the case.

“This idiot was playing with fire.” explained Avner. “I don’t know who he thought he was, but if we had not gotten to him when we did, those guys outside would have. And it might not have ended very well for him. ” Avner went on to explain the process of procuring a scooter. “First, you need to turn 70. Or 65 if you were a combat veteran. Then you need to take a road test to ensure that you can drive in the left lane of Ben Yehuda Street at 7 Kilometers per hour and refuse to move when cars or buses try to pass you. Also, we require that you strap an old plastic storage bin to your rear bumper with bungee cords.”

After explaining the procedure, Detective Avner allowed us to watch as the police took the testimony of the eyewitness. Alert local Ronit S. explained what she saw today. “So when I was walking home from my yoga class, this guy in a golf cart kept trying to pass me. It had a black plastic rain cover so I thought it might be my grandfather. But as he passed me in the cross walk, I recognized him as the idiot from Misrad HaPnim who kept sexting me by fax last year. That’s when I called the police.”

The Daily Freier cannot WAIT to turn 70 so we can get a golf cart of our own. Then we’ll run this town.

Dogs, Tel Aviv Living March 21, 2017April 14, 2023

Pack of 12 Tel Aviv Dogs not sure if their new Walker has what it takes

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/21/2017 at 9:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: The dogs in your neighborhood have a new guy assigned to walk them, and quite frankly they’re not sure if he’s up for the job. The pack of dog had grown accustomed to being picked up by their long time walker Assaf, only to learn that he has just moved to Berlin “for 6 months to get my finances together“. And Assaf’s replacement, some guy named Eytan, may not have what it takes. The Daily Freier sat down with the dogs while they waited outside of the Super Yuda while Eytan bought Bamba and cigarettes.

“Listen. We’ve known each other a long time.” explained Rocky, a Labrador Retriever. “Went to gan together. Joined the army together. Backpacked in Nepal together. And it’s hard for somebody new to break into our group. But Assaf was just a really chill guy. He really understood us. Also, he was constantly high. So I guess that helped.”

“I don’t think this Eytan character can handle all of our personalities.” added Shimon, a beagle mix. “Bat Sheva, the Maltese over there is Baal Tshuva and likes to go to the new religious section of the dog beach by the Hilton. Rocky always wants to go to the meetup for vegan dogs at Gan Meir. (Editor’s Note: How can you tell if you’ve met a vegan dog? Don’t worry. They will tell you.). And Benny the wolfhound over there keeps wanting to go to this one bar on Ben Yehuda ‘to see this girl’ he met. So I have my doubts. I just don’t think this new guy is going to make it.

As Eytan returned from the store, he announced that he was taking all of them to that dog washery called Doggy Style (And yes. That’s their real name.Welcome to Tel Aviv.) down the street for a shampoo. Maybe this new guy will be OK after all.

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Arts & Literature, Tel Aviv Living March 13, 2017March 7, 2019

Controversial new Tel Aviv statue does not portray a dude showing off his junk

800px-pikiwiki_israel_35612_noah_by_evie_pollig_in_tel_aviv (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/13/2017 at 6:50 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: A work of modern art planned for display in the soon to be renovated Dizengoff Square is meeting heavy opposition from concerned members of the Community. The statue, designed by Neve Tzedek artist Yair G. and titled “Tel Aviv Epiphany”, does not portray a man eagerly displaying his genitals to passerby. And Tel Aviv residents are not too happy. The Daily Freier walked down to Dizengoff Square where an impromptu protest was taking place.

“I don’t know how they do things down in Neve Tzedek” admonished Tomer C., a resident of Bograshov. “But up here in Tel Aviv, we expect our statues to be touching themselves. Or rummaging around down there as if their lease paperwork is hidden somewhere in their boxers shorts.”

As the protest continued throughout the day, sympathetic members of the Municipal Government met with community organizers. “These statues really serve as a public service.” explained Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. “I mean, when you think of it, a Tel Aviv guy offering to show strangers his genitals is actually a rather accurate preview of what out of town visitors will experience in Tel Aviv.”

tel-aviv-junk1 Yet despite the strong opposition from community activists, some Tel Aviv residents see the wisdom in maybe erecting displaying a slightly different kind of statue. Alert local Ronit S. explained. “My family lives in Holon, and last week I had to give my mom directions to my new apartment. So I told her ‘Turn right at the statue of the guy grabbing himself.’ And my mom was like ‘You mean the one on Rothschild where he is using both hands? And then I said ‘No. The one on Dizengoff and Gordon where he is relaxing in a chair with his legs open.’ So yeah…. maybe if they just had a statue of a bird or a car or something, it would be better.”

As the protest adjourned for the evening, several philanthropic-minded men from the neighborhood offered to serve as models for a statue that better served the wishes of the community.

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.