Tag: Jerusalem

Exclusive Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new Book!

While all of you wait impatiently for Sarah’s new book on life in Jerusalem to come out, running old Daily Freier algorithms to build your own Sarah-Tuttle Singer article while trying to somehow find a way that the Israeli postal system will allow you to order the real thing from Amazon, the Daily Freier managed to steal a page of her final draft. How did we do it you ask? By patiently waiting at Crave Street Food until she got distracted by the arrival of her friend the Gay Mizrahi truck driver who always sells the best pomegranates. And we passed on this excerpt to YOU, our loyal readers. Don’t thank us. We’re not listening. So without further ado, behold a page of the manuscript!

 


……. seriously mixed feelings because how was I supposed to know that my Internet troll would be so cute in real life? I know, right? But anyway, let me tell you about the time my Palestinian cab driver was listening to Carlebach and OMG can I just tell you? Crave’s bathroom stocks free tampons! Hella Woke, Am I right? So then I’m just walking through Machane Yehuda rummaging through my purse for a coin for the scratch-off lottery ticket that I bought from that really funky Makolet that’s run by the totally chill lesbian Off the Derech couple who always let me use their bathroom when I have to pee. So where was I? OK so I’m drinking from my flask of Laphroaig 18 Years. The peat? OMG can I tell you about the peat? But anyway, I bought it at the Heathrow Duty Free, and the cashier was wearing full hijab. And we had an amazing moment in the checkout line that reminded me that anything is possible if we just…. wait a second. I think I misjudged the strength of the edibles that I took an hour ago and the last time this happened I ended up walking the entire ancient road from Ramle to Yafo and got these Painful blisters because I was wearing flats that were kinda too big but I didn’t have time to return them because Crave had just changed their menu and can I just tell you? Their lamb bacon? Better than the real thing. So anyway, let me tell you about the ride back. So I’m standing on the platform waiting for my train and I sneezed. Because it’s cold out. And I wasn’t wearing a coat. Don’t judge, OK? So Yeah. I sneezed. And then do you know what happened? This Haredi guy turned to me and said “Sei Gezunt”. Which was just incredible. Kind of like the time I went to Mid-Burn in the Negev and accidentally joined a cult for 6 hours before I figured out that the mushrooms must have been……


 

 

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Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Fast Train aims to remind the cities why they can’t stand each other in just 30 minutes

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Bullet Trainc with the Daily FreierBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 1/11/2018 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaHagana Station: With the pending (and shockingly somewhat on-time) launch of the Jerusalem to Tel Aviv High Speed Rail line, residents of each city eagerly look forward to the chance to remember all the things about the other city that suck. The Daily Freier wandered the streets of Tel Aviv gathering answers, and then reluctantly took the bus from Savidor Station to do the same in that other city 40 miles to the East that really, really knows how to party.

I don’t quite know what it is about Jerusalem, but it just turns you into a dork.” explained Yafo resident Danny S. “My cousin did Yeshiva there and he actually taught himself to speak poorly accented English. Like he now purposely adds “umms” and “uhs” to his sentences. He literally has a self-imposed speech impediment. And he’s from Miami.

Why do all the girls wear those thick black tights that look like they could stop an AK-47 round?” asked Tamar, a personal trainer from Florentin. “Are they auditioning for the next season of Fauda?

The worst is that Jerusalemites take it personally when we remind them how much their city sucks.” explained the Daily Freier’s very own Aaron Pomerantz. “Last year I somehow talked myself out of a date with a pretty dati girl when I told her that Jerusalem is lame.” [Editor’s Note: This may or may not have actually happened to a Daily Freier writer in real life.]

Not to be outdone, the Daily Freier got some very raw responses from the Jerusalem streets about what they can’t stand about Tel Aviv.

Oh great, now it will only take 30 minutes to be able to walk around an expensive humid slum that smells like dried pee.” explained a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva or Elisheva or Justsheva. “Also, please tell me about your Start-Up.

Tel Aviv is just a giant weirdo reservation.” noted Hillel K. “It’s like they took the weirdest kid from each of my classes growing up, moved them to Tel Aviv, and let them reproduce. Oh yeah, and now they’re artists.

When the Daily Freier asked Hillel about the cool spots for Jerusalem nightlife, he thought for a moment, scratched his head, and answered. “Well, there’s Machane Yehuda on a Thursday night…. And then there’s the other side of Machane Yehuda….. Wait…..Did I mention Machane Yehuda?

According to the Israeli Ministry of Transportation, in 2019 they will open another High Speed line that will allow you to visit your friend who you thought had died but actually had just moved to Haifa in 2013.

In honor of Embassy move, Israeli town of Hofit renames itself “Covfefe”

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/27/2017 at 8:00 PM

Hofif Covfefe: The town elders of this hamlet in Central Israel are very excited after Donald Trump’s recent decision to move the American Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. And now they want to do something to show just how much gratitude they have for the Donald. Therefore, as of 1 January 2018, the town of Hofit will heretofore be referred to as “Covfefe“. The Daily Freier set out to visit Hofit, so we took the train to Netanya in hopes of taking a bus from there. But since we don’t speak French, we couldn’t understand what anyone was saying and we missed the bus to Hofit and had to hitchhike. But we eventually got there and interviewed “the man (and woman!) on the street”.

We just wanted to show President Trump how much we appreciated his courage.” explained City Manager Yoni C. “And what better way to honor Mr. Trump than to name our little town after that word he accidentally invented on Twitter last Spring.

While Yoni was optimistic about the change, some residents had their reservations. Local Rabbi Avi T. explained. “First of all, nobody knows what Covfefe actually is. So we don’t actually know if there is a special Bracha that might be necessary. Secondly, we still aren’t positive how it’s spelled in Hebrew. With a Kuf or a Kaf? This might sound silly, but there are serious Gematric implications for this.

As the Daily Freier got ready to leave, the guys from Egged were already changing the name on the Bus Stop.

 

Abbas Slams Israel’s Disproportionate Response to Tomorrow’s Spontaneous Riots Against Embassy Move

Ramallah- Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas “condemned in the strongest terms” Israel’s “disproportionate and indiscriminate” response to tomorrow’s completely spontaneous riots. Tomorrow’s riots will be a grass-roots, spur of the moment populist reaction to President Donald Trump’s decision to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and will begin approximately 15 minutes after mid-morning prayers. Abbas described Israel’s “Barbaric” attack on tomorrow’s peaceful protesters at a news conference this evening.

(We’re published on Israellycool today. Go check it out!)

Aspiring Reform Rabbi dropped from HUC after he fails guitar class

Hebrew Union College Daily Freier guitarBy Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 9/24/2017 at 6:00 PM

Jerusalem: Hebrew Union College, the Reform Movement’s theological seminary, has acted quickly to remove an aspiring Rabbi who failed to meet their program’s standards. Adam G. is a native of Chicago who has failed his mandatory Guitar Class, and thus now faces expulsion.

Dean Melissa Levy-McIntosh explained. “Adam simply failed to acclimate to our Institution’s rigorous standards. I mean, he speaks Hebrew fluently, which is great, I guess. But his guitar work was simply atrocious.” The Daily Freier challenged Dean Levy-McIntosh but she was adamant. “We gave Adam plenty of chances. We even supplied a tutor. And when his instructor informed me that Adam had not yet advanced past “Bim Bam”, I decided to sit in on a class just to make sure. Let me tell you, that was the worst “Shalom Rav” I have ever heard. Also, during the break I saw him approach a classmate and ask who Debbie Friedman was.

Hebrew Union College has urged Adam to re-apply for the Autumn 2018 Class provided he goes hiking in the Berkshires and maybe takes some tambourine lessons.

 

BREAKING: Inventors of the Suicide Bomb Dislike Metal Detectors

There is a story sending shock waves throughout the International Community today. Specifically, it appears that the folks who brought us the airline hijacking and the suicide bomber……. you may want to sit down for this one …….. well it appears that they really dislike metal detectors. Once again, the people who brought us the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing……. are violently opposed to measures that may have prevented……. the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing. The Daily Freier wandered around Jerusalem trying to make sense of it all.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Jews on Temple Mount Feeling Lost and Confused Without Wakf Escorts

Daily Freier Israellycool Temple Mount(This story was first published on Israellycool)

By Yuval Weiss

Jewish visitors to the Temple Mount are in a state of confusion and disarray. Robbed of their traditional escorts from the Muslim Wakf, the Jews wander aimlessly, bereft of the comfort of a bunch of angry men yelling at them not to pray. The Wakf, employed by our friends the Jordanians, normally keep a sharp eye out for the dangerous act of Jews praying (Stopping gun smugglers? Not so much). However, the Wakf has been on strike ever since Israel installed metal detectors, which was a totally unprovoked violation of the “status quo” for no good reason except, like, last Friday three Arabs smuggled guns onto the Temple Mount and used them to murder Israeli policemen. The Daily Freier spoke with an impassioned Wakf spokesman named Fares as he stood by the Lion’s Gate.

“This is an injustice! Metal detectors at a Muslim Holy site? This is unprecedented. Except, like, you know, at Mecca. Besides, If the Zionists install metal detectors, how are we supposed to smuggle our guns?”

Meanwhile, “Israeli” Arab politician Ayman Odeh also denounced Israel’s response. Odeh, who is a lot like Hanin Zoabi except not as interesting, warned that Israel’s actions may lead to another Intifada. Because, you know, the first two Intifadas worked out so well for the Palestinians.

Anyhoo, the Jewish visitors are a bit lost without the Wakf’s helpful hectoring.

“I just don’t know what to do!” complained a disoriented guy named Noam. “How am I supposed to enjoy the Holiest site in my religion without some Jordanian hack barking orders at me?”

“This just doesn’t feel right.” sighed a concerned woman named Devorah. “It’s all so strange. Nobody is chanting in my ear or waving a book at me. I don’t feel safe.”

The poor morale notwithstanding, the Daily Freier managed to find a little happiness, as a Jewish couple had just arrived in order to get married on the Temple Mount. Inspired by last week’s secret wedding there, a Dati Leumi (religious-Zionist) couple named Esther and Avi prepared for their ceremony, surrounded by a dozen happy guests.

An excited Esther shared her story with the Daily Freier “Avi always said that he really really wants to get married but that we should wait until we can do it on the Temple Mount. We have waited so long but now we are going to get married!!! I thought this day would never come!”

“Neither did I” shared a visibly distraught and distracted Avi.

Esther shot a glance at Avi and continued. “All of the girls from Sem have these A-Ma-Zing wedding stories. But guess what? My story is going to be better! Har Ha Bayt! How do you like them apples Miriam? A wedding on the Kinneret, Shayna? That’s nice I guess. But I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome my wedding is going to be!”

A now-sweating Avi interjected. “Maybe we should play it safe, you know, wait for a statement from King Abdullah later this week. After all, we can never be TOO careful.”

Esther glanced at Avi again and continued. “Avi and I are so excited! Nothing can spoil this special moment. Nothing!”

Avi peered into the far distance. “Wait, is that the Wakf police walking toward us?” he asked in a strangely hopeful tone of voice.

Esther stared at Avi and then handed us her iPhone. “Hey can you take a picture of us? I want to send it to OnlySimchas!”

Despite the absence of the Wakf to help Jews better understand their holiest site, our friends the Jordanians found other ways to reach out…..by holding a moment of silence for the killers in their Lower house of Parliament (The Daily Freier’s ADHD must be kicking in because we missed their moment of silence for the Druze police officers shot in the back by the three Israeli Arabs Temporary-Residents-of-Canaan-with-Israeli-ID-Cards from Umm El Fahm). The speaker of the Jordanian Parliament explained:

“We pull off stupid stunts like this because We Know that You Know that no matter how obnoxious we act, whatever replaces the Hashemite Kingdom would be far, far worse. So thanks for putting up with our petty bullshit. And big shout-out to the IDF for continuing to prop up our ancient kingdom that was started 95 years ago by a family of transplants from Mecca who cut a side deal with the British, screwed over the Ottomans, and got kicked out by the Saudis.  Again, as much as we suck, whoever takes over from us will suck more. Please excuse us while we throw a party for a Jordanian soldier who murdered Jewish schoolgirls on a field trip in 1997.