London- The BBC unveiled its newest show for the Spring lineup with the coming premier of “Wallstrom and Zoabi: Root Causes“ a riveting drama starring Hanin Zoabi and Margot Wallstrom as two no-nonsense detectives who solve crimes while trying to find the perfect work-life balance in a male-dominated world. In addition to Swedish Foreign Minister Wallstrom and Member of Knesset Zoabi (Balad Party), the series also features George Galloway as their gruff but lovable boss at the Police Precinct, as well as MP Jeremy Corbyn as a comically inept Crown Prosecutor who inexplicably receives a big promotion in the season premier. (It is also rumored that he may develop into a possible love interest in future episodes)
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Finally, and most importantly, Getting Banned Is Where The Money Is! Just ask Dorit Rabinyan. I mean, let’s face it: NOBODY READS THE DAILY FREIER. But a little controversy, a comprehensive ban, and Bang! Cash money in full effect!
New York: In a strongly worded statement, the Progressive NGO “New Israel Fund” (NIF) demanded the immediate resignation of the Israeli Voting Public for what it described as “continued attacks on Democracy” for exhibiting voting patterns described as “frightening and disconcerting”. NIF Spokesperson Naomi Paiss expanded on this statement at a Press Conference at their New York Headquarters attended by the Daily Freier earlier today.
At the conclusion of the Press Conference, Ms. Paiss conducted a question and answer session with the assembled media. When The Daily Freier asked Ms. Paiss if by her definition of “values contrary to a Democracy” she meant “voting for people or stuff that I don’t like“, she paused, looked at us like we just said that we really like Nickelback and replied “And there’s ANOTHER Definition????” When the Daily Freier challenged Ms. Paiss on this conclusion, she retorted, “Oh don’t look at me like that. You’re acting like we indirectly supported the lynching of Arabs for selling land to Jews or something.”
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Approximately 46% of the city is in police custody today after a man spotted stealing a bicycle on Allenby was described by eyewitnesses as “brown or black hair, with sort of a hipster beard. Possibly a man bun, but maybe not”. The Daily Freier went down to Police Headquarters to check out the balagan first-hand.
With thousands of men milling around in giant makeshift holding pens, Jabotinsky between Dizengoff and Ben Yehuda Streets was completely cut off to traffic. The police shouted orders to the assembled men by bullhorn, but to little effect. It appeared that the prisoners had themselves issued a list of demands, to include: better Wi-Fi, some coffee hafuch, rolling papers, more outlets to charge their I-Phones, and Krembo.
Despite the chaos, the Daily Freier was able to speak to those citizens who had assisted the authorities in their investigation. Alert local Ronit S. witnessed the theft and immediately went to the police to provide a statement. “So I went to Headquarters and sat down with a sketch artist and described the guy who stole the bike. But when he was done drawing, the picture looked kinda like my last three ex-boyfriends. Oh yeah, I also told the cops that I overheard the suspect talk about his trip to Southeast Asia and that he was thinking of joining a start-up. Wait. Why are you laughing at me? I thought I was being helpful!”
As the city adjusts to the mass incarceration, the effects are already being felt. At least 22 coffee shops failed to open today due to a lack of employees. In addition, Birthright Israel reported much more efficient movement of their tours throughout the city, unimpeded by guys approaching the women in their groups because they “just want to talk to you for a second”. The Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” crashed after 12,000 people asked, “for a friend”, how to bail yourself out of jail, create a makeshift pipe out of an apple and tinfoil, and/or which pizza places will deliver to jail. Over 5000 “arrested selfies” were also uploaded to the site before the server went down.
While incarcerated, four of the detainees have already collaborated on an app that allows you to crowd-source prison break attempts with other people currently detained in the same jail as you.
Greetings from the Freier! Ever wanted to waste time in a language other than English? Well here is your chance! Various people out there, for Who Knows What Reason, decided to translate the Freier into Russian and Spanish. Enjoy!
Cologne, Germany: A leading team of European anthropologists has uncovered a fascinating but little-known nomadic group that expresses the concept of gratitude and thankfulness by robbing and sexually assaulting their hosts. Professor Holgar C. from the University of Berlin spoke to the Daily Freier about this exciting discovery.
“What we see here is a nomadic group that has departed a violent and dangerous ecosystem and been welcomed into a safe and peaceful ecosystem. At this point they conduct a ceremonial show of gratitude to their hosts by congregating at train stations and attempting to rape the indigenous women. On some occasions they will also conduct an elaborate ritual of rifling through the women’s purses for trinkets and ornaments. Sometimes they will even record the solemn ritual on a smart phone!”
Professor Holgar also admonished the public not to pre-judge others just because they behave differently. “I think it is important that we don’t inject our own value judgments into this study . Just as Westerners shake hands while Japanese people bow, different groups can express gratitude in different ways. So while you might express gratitude with a small but thoughtful gift or handwritten note, this group expresses gratitude by forming coordinated packs, surrounding women, and then sexually assaulting them. Fascinating, really.”
While the elaborate ceremonies are indeed fascinating, Professor Holgar was quick to stress that this unique expression of thankfulness is only performed when they are residing within the host ecosystem. “Let’s face it. If they pulled this crap in their home country, the victim’s brothers and cousins would hunt the perpetrators down like dogs so fast the rapists would pray the cops got to them first.”
Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Apparently your Roomba cleaning robot has informed the Chief Rabbinate of Israel that you have been violating her religious rights by forcing her to operate during the hours of Shabbat, as there is now a Rabbi at your door demanding to speak with her.
So apparently, in addition to helping Rivka to get in touch with the Rabbanut, Yossi also helped Rivka contact the Worker’s Rights NGO Kav LaOved, because their attorney just stopped by as well. And it seems you’ve been served with papers explaining that you are expected to retroactively pay into her Bituach Leumi pension fund based on 9 hours per week from March 2013 through the present. Her attorney also let you know that if an amicable agreement is reached, Rivka will forget about the fact that you carried her past Customs at Ben Gurion Airport in your backpack 3 years ago without paying import duty.
Tel Aviv, Weizmann: In a sign of the changing times that we live in, Tel Aviv’s Municipal Court is amending its laws for approving the granting of a divorce. Starting January 1st, “Our Dogs Were Not Compatible” is now a legally binding grounds for divorce under the civil laws of the State of Israel for couples who have resided within Tel Aviv city limits for at least one calendar year.
“Think of this as the Judicial System meeting a remarkably self-absorbed city halfway.” explained Senior Judge Yekutiel S. “The court is also currently contemplating whether to permit a divorce when one partner states that they want to move north of the Yarkon River or East of Ayalon Highway.”
In order to get a sense of the human side of this ruling, the Daily Freier spoke to the unfortunate litigants of a civil divorce as they departed the courtroom.
“When I first met Danny, everything was great.” explained a tearful Smadar R. “He seemed to really like Chris, my Lhasa Apso. But then six months after we got married he decided he wanted a chocolate lab. He said he always wanted one growing up in America. I told him that this would make Chris upset. And besides, by then it was illegal in the city to own a normal sized dog. But no. He just HAD to have a chocolate lab. And yada yada yada we’re here in divorce court.”
After Smadar’s departure, the Daily Freier was able to have some words with Danny as well. “Really?” he noted sarcastically; “She’s still going on about Chris? Did I mention that Chris has its own dog therapist? Second of all, she named her dog Chris. WTF? Like Who does that? And with her accent it was always ‘Kreees! Kreees!‘ I still hear that shit in my sleep…..Wait, did she ask anything else about me?”
In order to prevent circumvention of the law by parties that did not meet residency requirements, the Court requires extensive documentation of Tel Aviv residency. However, the Court has a number of venues to establish proof of residency to include Arnona bills, old bracelets from Biggie Z, screenshots of a blog you started and then stopped when you made Aliyah, archived questions that you asked on Secret Tel Aviv (Asking “on behalf of a friend” is also accepted), and a sworn/notarized statement from your juice guy that he saw you around a lot.
For a moment, The Daily Freier thought about writing a little about the Beit Din, but the last time we did that we got jumped by a bunch of yeshiva bochers and now we can’t go back to Tzfat any more.
Welcome to the Inaugural Episode of Dear Daily Freier, where people who really ought to know better place life-changing decisions in the hands of us, the Daily Freier, a newspaper so petty that it’s still obsessed with the balloon that floats over Ramat Aviv. Anyhoo, let’s see who answered the call for issues and conundrums to share with total strangers!
Dear Daily Freier: When I was in Jerusalem last week I met a really nice girl on the bus but she got off before I could ask her out. She had brown hair, said she was in seminary, was wearing a denim skirt over tights and her name was Batsheva. Or Elisheva. Something with Sheva. Does this narrow it down for me? I mean how many girls could possibly fit this description?
Yirmiyahu, we are so glad you got in touch, we love to play interfering shiduch at Daily Freier, as you know. There has been a staggering rise in the number of Frum girls from Jerusalem taking aliases lately, many of them sneaking in to fawn over Luke Skywalker in the Force Awakens and taking the bus to see Jerry Seinfeld Live in Tel Aviv. Assuming she was a natural brunette, can you identify the fashionable denim skirt in question? There are only about three hundred thousand in the capital, but we’re really just brainstorming right now. Once identified, can you trace the shop that sells them in Jerusalem and see if they have any clues? True enough there are fewer than Sheva Million Shevas in parts of Jerusalem but it’s a fact that seminaries only admit women whose names are Elisheva, Batsheva, Beersheva, Hapoel Sheva, Shevarnadze, or Sheva Sheva What’s the Weather. Of course she may have been just going to a shiva and not given you her name at all. In which case, wait till the mourning period is over and ask or you could take a pal and go shiva-hopping. Let us know.
Dear Daily Freier:I am so excited about the natural gas we found off the coast! This will solve all of our energy problems, we will get rich, and our standard of living will go up! Things are really looking up! The way I see it, there is NO WAY we could possibly fuck this up.
Joshua- As a people we will rise to the occasion and find a way to fuck this up. Am Yisrael Chai!
Dear Daily Freier: So suppose somebody is the leader of a country somewhere not that far from here. Maybe to the North a few hundred kilometers. And suppose you and another country, let’s call it “Shmisrael”, used to be friends. But suppose you got in a bit of a misunderstanding with this Shmisrael country a few years back. Not saying whose fault it was, but some strong words were said. I mean, like, suppose you yelled at their 80 year old President on stage in Switzerland at a conference and called him a “killer”. Again, not laying blame anywhere. Now suppose you got in a bit of a bind lately, and may have like “shot down” a plane belonging to a country led by a guy who, let’s face it, has been a real jerk lately and said some really hurtful things. Anyway, do you think “Shmisrael” might want to maybe get a shwarma or something? Maybe listen to music or go shopping? I mean, everything’s cool, right?
Asking for a friend.
Putin’s pissed, isn’t he?
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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.