Grand Forks, North Dakota: Part-time copyright researcher and full-time conspiracy theorist Bobby Holloman has some decidedly unorthodox ideas. He has proof that the 1969 Lunar Landing was filmed in the back of a Stuckey’s Restaurant off of Interstate 40 near Amarillo. He refuses to do business in paper currency, but rather barters for his needs using gold dust. And don’t get him started on 9/11. But perhaps his wackiest conspiracy theory to date involves the Terror State of ISIS. Bobby has a theory for their origins and funding that does not involve the Pope, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, Queen Elizabeth, and most of all, the Joooooz. The Daily Freier had the opportunity to speak with Bobby at his compound on the North Dakota prairie this week.
“Quick, come in and close the door behind you! You only have seconds to spare!” implored Bobby as he ushered us into his home while scanning the sky for drones. “You want some water? I drilled my own well! No fluoride for me!”
As we sat down in his living room, Bobby explained his theory on the origins of ISIS. “OK, this is going to sound crazy, but let me lay it out for you: I believe that a combination of Saudi Arabia exporting Wahhabi ideology for a generation, oil money from corrupt Gulf States, veteran Jihadists of Al Qaeda’s wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya…..plus a confused Western Civilization led by a man who thinks Climate Change is its greatest threat– these factors combined to create the conditions for ISIS.”
When the Daily Freier challenged him on his wacky theory, Bobby elaborated. “Of course, Bashar Assad and Hezbollah can take some credit for killing peaceful Syrian protesters in 2011 instead of negotiating with a frustrated Sunni majority. And of course Iran was pulling Bashar’s strings…….then there’s the West’s Progressive Left that seems to hate its own civilization more than it hates ISIS…..of course Al Jazeera should take a bow for beaming Islamist propaganda into millions of homes for 20 years…..I mean, call me crazy but let’s connect the dots.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Bobby asked us if we wanted to get on his mailing list because he was about to publish a manifesto explaining exactly how the Kardashians became famous.
Amsterdam, The Netherlands: After controversial MK Hanin Zoabi’s (Joint List) speech at an Amsterdam Kristallnacht commemoration, Hezbullah Leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah feels that “the time is ripe” for him to address next year’s Yom HaShoah commemoration in that city. “Hanin, my sister in the struggle with the Zionist Entity, just did an amazing job. The way she took a commemoration of a Nazi pogrom against Jews and turned it into an anti-Israel screed….amazing. But I think this is just the beginning. Maybe if my Iranian handlers say that it’s cool, I can make it up to Amsterdam next year for Yom HaShoah. To commemorate the Holocaust. You know, if it really happened.” When asked what a man who promised to hunt down Jews worldwide would have to say about the Holocaust, Nasrallah noted; “Well I was thinking of saying that Israel created ISIS. But if that’s not a good fit then my Brother Mahmoud Abbas knows a few things on this subject.” As for Ms. Zoabi, while she enjoyed the event commemorating the Nazis’ systematic destruction of German Jewry, she was disappointed in that she thought it would be more of an instructional “how-to” event.
Tel Aviv: The cops at the police station on Dizengoff Street, ostensibly employed by the same government that meticulously discovered, tracked, and captured prominent Nazi Adolph Eichmann, have absolutely no idea what happened to your yellow Diamondback mountain bike that you left locked to the railing behind your apartment last night.
“You mean to tell me that bicycles are stolen from North and Central Tel Aviv and then sold in South Tel Aviv?” asked a policeman incredulously, just about a mile from the Headquarters where the IDF planned the 1981 destruction of Saddam Hussein’s nuclear reactor at Osirak.
Another policeman (you think his name is Moti. Or maybe Dudi.), also employed by the government that executed the daring 1976 Raid on Entebbe, interjected “And you’re saying that the bikes are just sold out in the open? On the street?”
The shift chief (wait, this guy is “Dudi”. You think.), in a police station 20 minutes away from where the Mossad tracked in real-time the assassination of Hezbollah mastermind Imad Mugniyeh (STRICTLY A FANCIFUL JEST!!! —The Legal Department), asks “And these bikes are stolen, sold, stolen again, and then re-sold???”
The first cop, again a civil servant in the same government that in 2002 successfully interdicted the Iranian weapons ship “Karine A”, notes dryly “You seem to know a lot about these bikes. Why don’t you just go there and get your bike back?”
South Beirut– Hezbollah Leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, long Israel’s arch-nemesis, made a series of rambling and only partially coherent phonecalls to Israel late last night. According to well-placed sources, Nasrallah started off by asking Israel “what it’s been up to” and noting “how long it’s been”. When Israel told Nasrallah that it’s “been really busy” and “working on things” Nasrallah affirmed that he too has been busy. “Yeah, you know…..just stuff like betraying the Arab Street by siding with my Iranian Masters to prop up a Syrian regime that uses chemical weapons on its own citizens. And working out. Been working out A LOT. Nothing crazy. Light weights….cardio.” Sheikh Nasrallah then told Israel that it had made a mix tape. ” Stuff by the Smiths, Toad the Wet Sprocket…..Whenever I listen to “Close to Me” by The Cure, I think of the 90’s and all the times we had together before I sacrificed my bona-fides in the Arab World to serve a crime family posing as the Syrian Leadership.” When Israel told Nasrallah that it was “great to hear from him” but that things were “really crazy with Hamas”, the Sheikh replied petulantly “Uh huh…..targeting your cities with missiles. Wonder where they got THAT from”. It was at this point that anonymous sources noted that Sheikh Nasrallah had his Yearbook open to the page of Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and that Mashal’s picture had been defaced with devil horns and his teeth scribbled out with black ink. The conversation ended with Israel telling Nasrallah that they should “be in touch some time”. Sheikh Nasrallah was last seen walking toward the Lebanon-Israel border wearing a tan trench coat and carrying a boom-box with a Peter Gabriel tape in it.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.