Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Gossip is circulating in Central Tel Aviv of a potentially scandalous development, that the new bartender at that cool place off of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard is, in fact, heterosexual. Well-regarded bartender David S. has found himself subjected to a whispering campaign by his customers and co-workers. The Daily Freier Cultural Affairs reporter was on the scene hearing the word on the street.
“I just feel that there’s been a lack of honesty,” noted concerned patron Avi T. “I always thought that we had a good rapport. I even planned to introduce him to my Cousin Brian when he visits in late August. But last night after I got up to go to the bathroom, I’m pretty sure he started macking on my girlfriend.”
Co-worker Devorah C. was also looking for answers. “I’ve known David for almost a year and he’s just the best. But I don’t know what to think. Ever since I made Aliyah, my gaydar is way off. It’s like the Mossad is jamming it or something. I mean just last week at the Namal Boardwalk I was hassled for 10 minutes by a sleazy guy wearing capri pants. Capri……pants.”
As the Daily Freier departed , a German tourist with a goatee informed us that if David is in fact straight, he wasn’t last night.
Tel Aviv: The cops at the police station on Dizengoff Street, ostensibly employed by the same government that meticulously discovered, tracked, and captured prominent Nazi Adolph Eichmann, have absolutely no idea what happened to your yellow Diamondback mountain bike that you left locked to the railing behind your apartment last night.
“You mean to tell me that bicycles are stolen from North and Central Tel Aviv and then sold in South Tel Aviv?” asked a policeman incredulously, just about a mile from the Headquarters where the IDF planned the 1981 destruction of Saddam Hussein’s nuclear reactor at Osirak.
Another policeman (you think his name is Moti. Or maybe Dudi.), also employed by the government that executed the daring 1976 Raid on Entebbe, interjected “And you’re saying that the bikes are just sold out in the open? On the street?”
The shift chief (wait, this guy is “Dudi”. You think.), in a police station 20 minutes away from where the Mossad tracked in real-time the assassination of Hezbollah mastermind Imad Mugniyeh (STRICTLY A FANCIFUL JEST!!! —The Legal Department), asks “And these bikes are stolen, sold, stolen again, and then re-sold???”
The first cop, again a civil servant in the same government that in 2002 successfully interdicted the Iranian weapons ship “Karine A”, notes dryly “You seem to know a lot about these bikes. Why don’t you just go there and get your bike back?”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.