Tag: Hezbollah

Hezbollah, Home Economics

Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

With today’s reality of hectic schedules and struggling to maintain a work/life balance, Safety in the Home is often neglected. Yet we at the Daily Freier actually know a guy who has somehow managed to stay safe despite the fact that he is a shut-in who weirdly insists that people are trying to kill him. So we reached out to our neighbor to the North (Did you know that the Daily Freier was once on Hezbollah Television? Neither did we!) for advice. Don’t let anyone tell you that Sheikh Nasrallah is not helpful, because he was very quick with his response to us, despite the fact that he insisted on communicating via Western Union Telegram. So here it is: Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips!

 

1) An Electric Coffee Maker should never greet you in the morning by saying “Heyoosh!”

2) Never trust a Beeper Salesman who offers you free Chasers of Tubi.

3) Your watch is ticking: OK. Your IPod Touch is ticking: Not OK.

4) Ibrahim Aqil probably shouldn’t have posted that meet-up on LinkedIn.

5) Just because an Electronics Company has low prices & good service doesn’t mean it’s not secretly Israeli.*

6) Remember when a Telemarketer was the worst kind of phone call that you could get? Good Times.

7) Wait, why did my Google Calendar just schedule a meeting next Tuesday afternoon with Soleimani?

8) “Imad Mugniyeh once hired us to detail his car.” is NOT a good reference on a Company’s website.

9) That guy who said Open Communication is the key to good relationships? Well he’s an idiot.

10) Careful! Some cultures respond aggressively when you fire missiles at them every day for 12 months.

 

 

* OK but this was really an honest mistake on their part. -The Daily Freier Editorial Staff

Hezbollah

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador  to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over  Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.

Mossad, Terrorism

Top Ten Surprises in Fauda Season 5

 

Who among us is not beyond excited for the next season of Fauda?  With Season 4 already on the streets, we now have a new excuse to stay home and socially distance from all you weirdos. Yes it is the talk of the town, and now that it’s on Netflix, it also gives you something to talk about with your relatives in Chul! But (SPOILER ALERT!) there are some crazy plot twists coming up in Season 5, and the Daily Freier has the inside scoop! Here are just a few of the twists and turns that the writers and actors have in store for us next season!

1) Doron chases suspect into Dizengoff Center but gets lost and walks around for a 3-episode story arc

2) Hamas suicide bomber thwarted after heroic scooter riders knock him over on the Tel Aviv Tayelet

3) Doron, Sagi, and Captain Ayub buy an old beat-up van and go on stakeout dressed as Nachmanis

4) Weird subplot about a cranky washed-up British rock star from the 1960’s who dislikes most Jews

5) Nurit almost gets killed after she insists on stopping at the Brussels Airport Duty Free

6) Mossad starts using Anglo Olim speaking Hebrew over the phone in order to confuse Hezbollah

7) Mossad equally confused by Anglo Olim speaking Hebrew over the phone

8) Captain Ayub yells at the Team after they all share the same Netflix password and blow their cover

9) Episode One is just Sagi waiting for an informant to come up the escalator in Yitzhak Navon train station

10) Doron suspended after he forces a prisoner to listen to John Kerry speeches for 48 hours straight

 

Mossad, Start Up Nation

Israel deploys experts from El Al to cripple Damascus Airport

(Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/2/2022 at 13:30

Damascus: In a scene right out of spy Thrillers like “Fauda” or “Tehran“, Israel has infiltrated Damascus International Airport, crippling Iranian weapons shipments. Yet this feat was accomplished not by the vaunted Israeli Air Force, nor was it accomplished by the secretive Mossad. Rather, Damascus Airport was taken down by an elite team from El Al Airlines. You see, when it comes to really screwing up air travel, nobody comes close to the expertise of El Al. There is even a Facebook group to complain about them (Spoiler Alert: They don’t care). In order to get the whole story, The Daily Freier spoke with stranded travelers and employees at Damascus Airport via Zoom and pestered some real journalists who were actually on the scene.

“Somebody just took down our website.” complained Ahmed from the Airport’s IT office. “How do you take down a website that runs on Windows 95? Who still has access to that technology? Our country has been in a civil war for 11 years. What’s your excuse?”

“I’ve been on hold for 7 hours.” noted a frustrated woman named Fatima as she watched her 3 children while trying to reach a customer service representative. “If this sorcery is the work of the Jews, then they are even more clever than we previously believed.“

While we spoke to Fatima, another traveler joined in and noted his experience. “I finally got through on the telephone to a human.” explained Saleh. “Unfortunately, he told me that the only person who can help me is on Maternity Leave. When I told him that my luggage has been lost for 3 days, he called me a Liar.“

The International Community was quick to condemn Israel’s actions at Damascus Airport. A spokesperson for Russia’s foreign ministry declared that “The provocative Israeli attack against essential civilian infrastructure is an absolutely unacceptable violation of international norms”. (REAL WORLD NON-SATIRE ALERT: Russia really really said this.)

A Syrian official speaking on condition of anonymity stated that El Al’s attacks would have actually been much worse, but Damascus Airport stopped using Fax Machines in 2007.

Israeli Politics

Hey, let’s give the plateau overlooking half our country to that guy who gassed his own citizens!

Hey guys, I just came up with an A-MA-ZING idea! Let’s give back the Golan Heights! Yeah, the strategic plateau that overlooks the Galilee! The one with Zero Palestinians and that also lets the IDF have a clear shot at Damascus! We need to do this, like, yesterday. Look, over the last 50 years, we’ve established wineries and farms and a ski resort, so it would be kinda cool to give those things to Bashar Assad. Yeah, Asma’s husband! That guy! The one who dropped barrel bombs full of chlorine gas on kids! Great idea, right? C’mon, enough is enough. The UN General Assembly just passed a non-binding resolution condemning us for holding onto it!

It’s not like Assad owes Hezbollah and Iran any favors after they saved his regime. If we can’t trust him, we may as well not trust anybody. I mean, I think you guys just need to relax. John Kerry said it was a good idea!

 

 

Secret Tel Aviv, The IDF

IDF paralyzed after Iran floods Secret Tel Aviv with fake “Free to a Lone Soldier” posts

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/9/2018 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Headquarters is currently in crisis mode as hundreds of critical installations across the country remain unmanned following an Iranian cyber-attack. The attack took the form of several thousand fake posts on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” offering a wealth of items “free to a Lone Soldier”. The Daily Freier attended a hastily put-together News Conference at their Tel Aviv Headquarters.

“The current condition is critical. This is worse than the time Hamas catfished us with fake profiles of hot Israeli women. explained IDF Spokesperson Major Guy C. “Every Lone Soldier is currently away from their Duty Station, running around Greater Tel Aviv trying to score their free PlayStation, coffee tables, Televisions, refrigerators and futons.  This attack affected hundreds of soldiers. Oh and also a robot from the Bomb Squad.”

To make matters worse, the Lone Soldiers temporarily crashed the Secret Tel Aviv server while posting hundreds of requests for the free use of a vehicle in order to go pick up the make-believe free stuff they believed they were getting, temporarily depriving the City of crowd-sourced relationship advice, amateur insect identification, and people selling MidBurn tickets.

Yet while the IDF truly faces a crisis, the Daily Freier wanted to reach out to the Chayal Boded Community and find out just how they were affected by this giant balagan on a personal level. An American Lone Soldier named ‘Danny’ described his pain. “When I found out someone was giving away old PS3 games, I dropped everything and hitchhiked from my base in the Golan to Givatayim.” The Daily Freier asked Danny how he felt about Iran’s trickery. “Honestly, I feel betrayed. I mean, I didn’t even get any free games.” Danny then abruptly got up from his chair and moved quickly to the door. “Hey, sorry but I gotta go. A woman on Ibn Gavriol says she’s moving back to the UK and giving away a guitar, yoga mat, ramen noodles, and a coffee pot. And I need to move fast.”

 

 

 

 

Hezbollah, Tel Aviv Living

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

Barack Obama, John Forbes Kerry

Khameini is in trouble! Quick, let’s fly him $1.7 Billion stacked on pallets!

SCENE: Headquarters, Justice League of Unemployed Lefty “Experts”

Former President Barack Obama: People, let me perfectly clear. These protests. In Iran. Are contributing. To instability. In the Middle East. And more importantly. They are. Endangering. My Legacy. Which is. The Iran Nuclear Deal.

Former Secretary of State John Forbes Kerry: I actually was for these protests, before I was against them.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: (Stumbles in dressed in hiking gear and clutching a bottle of Chardonnay): Let’s tell everyone to be quiet and not voice support for the protesters. I mean, it worked last time.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Go Check it out!)

Shameless Self Promotion, Sheikh Nasrallah

Hezbollah TV airs the Daily Freier movie but renames it “That Idiot Jew”

Daily Freier Hezbollha TV That Idiot JewBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/22/2017 at 11:50 AM

South Beirut: The Daily Freier has received some unsolicited and somewhat unwanted publicity lately. Hezbollah, an organization that lately has seemed better at killing Sunni Muslims than it is at killing Israelis, has its very own television station called “Al-Manar”. And Al-Manar just aired the Daily Freier Movie, only they shortened the title from “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for Seven Years” to “That Idiot Jew“. The Daily Freier tried to call Sheikh Nasrallah for an interview, but he’s scared the Mossad would trace the call. So we settled for Hussein, a production assistant at Al-Manar TV.

“We really felt this was a story for the whole family.” explained Hussein. “Mothers, fathers, children, grandparents…. they can all sit together in the evening and enjoy the story of this walid majnoon named Jeff.”

Yet it was not only Al-Manar that loved the show, but also the average man and woman on the street. The Daily Freier asked one of our friends at Reuters to wander South Beirut and ask random people how they feel about the Daily Freier movie.

“That ridiculous Jew named Jeff! He is so stupid!” chuckled a barrel-chested guy with a mustache named Jaffar. “I will keep tuning in to see if he learns future tense verbs. But I doubt this will happen.”

“I really loved the show! He is such a fool!” exclaimed Fatima. She then quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I know it’s Haram… but I find ‘Jeff’ strangely attractive.”

Word of Al-Manar’s airing of “That Idiot Jew” has even moved beyond Lebanon and is now enjoying popularity abroad. Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was quite excited about the new show. “Finally! a show that really has a message!” Roger exclaimed.

While Al-Manar has enjoyed significant success with their new show, it has not come without protest from the Daily Freier itself. Our editor Yuval Weiss shared his anger during an interview with CNN earlier today.

Yuval: What Hezbollah Television did was illegal! It was immoral! and we are not going to…..

CNN: We have just learned that your website has 500,000 unique hits today alone. Additionally, a Muslim Dating Site wants to purchase a 2 month block of advertising on the Daily Freier. How does this…

Yuval: On second thought, we all must try to show greater empathy. We reluctantly accept Hezbollah’s actions in the name of cultural sensitivity.

In another piece of good news, after watching Hezbollah TV’s version of our movie, The New Israel Fund just offered us a 50,000 Shekel grant.

Chanukah, John Forbes Kerry, The United Nations

Hanukkah Miracle as Ketchup Heiress with nothing to say speaks for 75 Minutes

John Kerry(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2016 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: People around here have seen a lot, but something is different this week. On Wednesday, something happened that was so profound that it very well may have been a modern Hanukkah miracle. Ketchup heiress/Navy Veteran/Dude who lost to Dubya/Diplomat John Kerry spoke for 75 minutes without actually having anything to say. With only enough relevant ideas to fill a 5 minute chat, Kerry somehow summoned enough J-Street talking points, Senate anecdotes, and Thomas Friedman clichés to make his talk last 75 minutes. Nes Gadol Haya Sham! So the Daily Freier hit the streets to find out the word. On the streets.

As the Daily Freier exited Jerusalem’s Central Bus Station, we ran into a familiar face: Alert Local Ronit S., who was on her way to the Ministry of Education to get a scuba diving certification from Cancun translated into Hebrew so she could be a dive instructor or something. We asked Ronit if she heard the speech.

“Yeah. They played it on the bus the whole way here. Seventy. Five. Minutes. It was so bad that the driver actually had to pull over to get some fresh air near Latrun. I made a bet with the guy next to me on how long it would last. He said 90 minutes, I said 70. So I won. 50 Shekels. The guy was mad and insisted that if Kerry was allowed to also speak in French that the speech would have hit 2 hours.”

The Daily Freier said goodbye to Ronit and proceeded onto the Light Rail toward the  Illegally Occupied Western Wall. On the Light Rail, we saw Historian Yoni K. who went on to explain the significance of Kerry’s speech. “What Secretary Kerry did was like transporting me back in time.” explained Yoni as he looked into the distance. “It was like I was in Barack Obama’s Columbia University Dorm Room bull session circa 1983. Imagine a reality where Israel never offered the Palestinians a State in 2000, 2001, and 2008.  A reality where Ehud Barak never completely withdrew from South Lebanon in a UN certified move in 2000, and Hezbollah never promptly moved in and kidnapped an Israeli patrol. In this Alternative Universe, Ariel Sharon never removed every Jew from Gaza and handed it over to the Palestinian Authority in 2005; and Hamas never evicted the PA from Gaza in 2007…. You know, for a minute while I was listening to his speech….. I thought that I was high.”

The Daily Freier jumped off the Light Rail and walked over to city hall where several children sat in a circle playing dreidel.

“Gimmel” shouted one boy as he grabbed a handful of candy from a pile in the center.

“Hay” shouted another, as he too grabbed some candy.

“Nun” mumbled another boy as the other kids started to taunt him. “Ha Ha!” They shouted as they handed him the headphones of an I-Pod. “Now you have to listen to Kerry recount his special friendship with Shimon Peres.”

“That’s OK, I guess.” muttered the boy. “At least I don’t have to listen to him talk about his yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard.“

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