Ben Gurion International Airport: As World Leaders depart Israel after paying their respects to the late Statesman Shimon Peres, United States Secretary of State has added another diplomatic feather to his cap, having successfully negotiated a 7,000 Shekel ($1,800) taxi cab ride from Jerusalem to Ben Gurion International Airport. The Daily Freier spoke with Mr. Kerry at Terminal One about how he successfully secured the price for his 34 mile journey with Shlomo, a Jerusalem cab driver.
“Having been in the diplomatic game for some time, I have an appreciation for the subtleties and nuance of Middle Eastern discourse and bargaining that may escape others.” explained the Secretary of State before launching into a small anecdote about how Akko reminds him of Martha’s Vineyard.
Sometimes I feel that after 7 years of my reign as King of Shushan, I am still cleaning up a big mess. A mess that’s not my fault. I inherited the worst economy in the history of Persia. Wars with the Babylonians and the Chaldeans. And the climate was changing from burning too much cow dung. So it would be a mistake to hold me responsible for the current situation. Context, people.
And now folks are complaining about Haman. Saying he wants to kill the Jews. But Haman was in fact appointed by the previous Administration’s King. Not naming any names, but he goes by “W the Younger”. So a lot of folks are getting upset about Haman. And to be truthful, for outsiders like Mordecai to pop off with their opinions. Without the facts….. well it just isn’t helpful. And it makes my job as King more difficult.
Now back to Haman….
If Haman is not careful; and if he continues to act in this manner; then he should not be surprised if we choose to take drastic measures. Such as making thousands of Cuneiform “Hashtags” on clay tablets that say “#NoToHaman”….. So he needs to watch himself. And I tell Haman not to call my bluff.
But back to the problem at hand….
So Queen Esther and Mordecai, they’re quite religious. And sometimes, when folks have been left behind by the Iron Age, they cling bitterly to their slingshots and their religion. And to be truthful, Mordecai simply does not have the unique background and education to truly appreciate the situation. Like I do.
Now some folks want me to step in and stop what they call a potential “genocide” in Shushan. Because they say Haman wants to kill the Jews. But it is not that simple. I’ve spoken to Mordecai. And quite frankly, he is often wrong. Now Mordecai seems to think that Haman does not have…..legitimate grievances. And to be frank, Haman can be a real hothead. Truthfully, both of them disappoint me. There’s plenty of blame to go around. Everyone’s a little wrong. Except me of course. But it’s my job. As the leader. To rise above. These petty grievances. And try to find. A consensus.
Now Let me be perfectly clear. The statements made by Haman, they constitute a red line. And if it was up to me, you can rest assured that there would be severe repercussions for his actions. But unfortunately, here in Shushan, as your King I am not in a position to simply do these things. First we must consult with the council of provincial chieftains. And quite frankly, the council has been quite obstructionist. Now some may say that they’re acting this way out of personal dislike for me. And some of the folks in the Casbah who perform right-wing poetry and folklore, well they’re not too helpful. Like Rushambian Limbaughvus. Guys like him.
Anyways, where was I? Oh Yes, Haman. Haman needs to know that he’s on the wrong side of history. Aaaand he needs to get with the program. I mean, we’re here in Shushan and it’s already like the 3rd Century Before The Common Era. Get with the program.
Now Haman’s supposed plan. To kill the Jews. Looks serious. So I have dispatched. My grand vizier. Johnius Kerryezer. To look into it. And he’s working. With our regional allies. And within the framework of the world. As we currently know it.
So Mordecai says that Haman is constructing gallows. So these gallows, they don’t yet exist. Now Mordecai thinks they’ll be ready next month. But he doesn’t see the intelligence that I see. I have the best wizards and magicians in Persia. So for him to pop off like that, frankly, it’s chickenshit unprofessional. Anyhow, I’ve talked to Haman, and he says that the gallows are for scientific research. And if we want to truly build relationships and end the old quarrels, quite frankly we need to take Haman at his word. And find a consensus. So I have some great news.
Minister Johnius Kerryezer has struck a deal with Haman. Haman will refrain from building the gallows for around 10 years. Or at least to the end of my reign one moon after the next Winter Solstice. Which is a really long time. But hopefully a few years. I will have completed my third papyrus scroll by then. And I will be in my second career of performing oratory lectures throughout the land. But back to the deal….
In exchange for Haman’s promise, the treasury will release to him 50 thousand ingots of gold. Prince Josephus Bidenopolos is on his way as we speak to deliver the news to Mordecai. So people of Shushan, I’ve solved your problems again. You’re welcome.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Tel Aviv’s Cinema scene got quite a fright today with the premier showing of “Dizi Spell“, an independent horror film based on the Dizengoff Center Mall’s “EasyDizi” Navigation App. The Daily Freier was lucky to score a seat to the premier, held at Dizengoff Center’s very own Lev Tel Aviv Cinema. (We were a bit late because, well, you know.)
[SPOILER ALERT] The film tells the story of a young couple, Zachary and Beth, who decide to spend a carefree Thursday afternoon at the Mall. At first the day goes great, with the two getting a coffee and planning their weekend. But then the story takes a horrific turn when they decide to use the “EasyDizi” App to find the Marley Shop so they can look at speakers for their living room. The App continuously turns them around and around as they walk up and down hallways that for some reason are built on a slope. As the lost couple begin to bicker and turn on one another, it becomes clear to the viewer that they are slowly becoming possessed by a talking purple dog that lives within the App itself. In the dramatic conclusion, Zachary and Beth run screaming from the Mall and exit by the Castro’s Clothing Store. As they huddle on the sidewalk shaken and crying and the credits begin to roll, an oblivious new couple is seen downloading the App and entering the mall.
After the film, The Daily Freier sat in on a very special Question and Answer session with first-time Director Adam G. Adam explained his inspiration. “When I first heard that Dizengoff Center had the audacity to create a Navigation App for their Mall, I have to admit, I thought it was some kind of joke. But no, it was far too real. It was at that moment that I realized that there was an amazing Horror Film just waiting to be made. Well that and the App got me hopelessly lost and I ended up spending the night near the Mall’s Loading Dock by the Bograshov Parking Lot Entrance.”
While disappointed that several prominent theater critics got lost near the dark hallway on the second floor that sells luggage and reclining chairs and thus missed the movie, Adam was flattered to host a somewhat disoriented United States Secretary of State John Kerry, who conveniently was in the vicinity.
Jerusalem: In a tense press conference, Prime Minister Netanyahu made his strongest accusation to date: that Iran had a clandestine plan in place to manufacture the substance most feared by White Western Progressives: Gluten. Netanyahu walked an at-first skeptical media step by step on Iran’s dual-use bakeries, illegal import of non-EU compliant pasta, and an array of centrifuges spinning high-grade gluten out of low-grade pita bread.
The International Community reacted in panic, with multiple food co-ops in Hendon, San Francisco, Ann Arbor, and Ithaca shutting down temporarily in a panic. Ann Arbor Peoples’ Socialist Inclusive Food and Wellness Cooperative Collective Chairperson, NightSky Dyson summed up the feeling of the Progressive Community. “ When I saw Netanyahu’s speech, I thought it was going to be more of his ‘Iran’s getting the bomb’ blah-blah bullshit. But this…..this is serious. Sorry, I need to go; we’re going to need to stock up on a LOT more yogurt cultures. Wait….do you think we can blame this on the Occupation?”
The Jewish Progressive Left was equally confused. Jeremy Ben-Ami, Grand Poobah over at J-Street, summed up the feelings of angst. “I hope you appreciate how delicate this situation is. There is only one thing that my constituents dislike more than Israel Netanyahu’s policies, and that’s gluten.”
The reaction of the American political class was equally swift. Noted purveyor of wisdom Donald Trump declared that he would have cut a better deal with the Iranians that would have left them with only gluten-free products. President Obama admonished Americans not to discuss “so-called gluten” and that the current development was just the work of “some folks on the wrong side of dietary history”. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned that during her tenure, she flew 900,000 miles trying to combat gluten, while current Secretary of State Kerry noted that he was for gluten before he was against it. Former President Clinton adamantly declared that he in fact did not have sexual relations with that gluten.
Tel Aviv: Israelis in the street are reacting to Turkey’s shoot-down of a Russian jet over Syria with a sense of fear and confusion. But not because they had anything to do with it. Rather, the presence of a military and diplomatic showdown in the neighborhood where nobody mentions Israel is leading to cases of cognitive dissonance and vertigo as the Israeli man and woman on the street tries to wrap their collective heads around this concept. The Daily Freier walked up and down Dizengoff Street this morning interviewing aimless and befuddled Israelis on this critical topic.
“It just doesn’t make sense. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH US!” noted a perplexed Natan R. as he scratched his head. “I know it sounds crazy, but I bought Haaretz this morning hoping that the editorial would say it was actually all our fault.”
“I couldn’t sleep last night” explained a despondent Yonatan G. “I stayed up all night flipping through the foreign satellite channels hoping Al Jazeera or RU TV would have a good angle on why Israel is responsible. But nothing. And the Americans have been no help either. Is it too much to ask that John Kerry insinuates that this was somehow caused by the Occupation???”
“I’m actually optimistic.” noted alert local Ronit S. “I just know I can count on someone from our Ministry of Foreign Affairs to somehow interject themselves into this crisis in a way that antagonizes Turkey, Russia, or…. B’zrat Hashem….both!”
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: In a move described by State Department Spokesperson Marie Harf as “unhelpful” and “not contributing to a constructive dialogue” Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu took United States Secretary of State John Kerry to Tel Aviv’s Dizengoff Center Mall this morning and left him at the Food Court on the third floor near the cinema. The visit to Dizengoff Center, slated as a “fact-finding trip” by Mr. Netanyahu’s staff, was cut short when Netanyahu informed Kerry that he “really needed to use the bathroom” and quickly exited the premises via a previously unknown exit near the Holmes Gym on the ground floor. A confused John Kerry waited approximately 30 minutes before setting out on his own to try to find his way out of the sprawling shopping center long known as difficult to comprehend even by native Israelis. The Daily Freier’s “City Beat” reporter was able to observe Mr. Kerry’s navigation efforts throughout the mall.
Upon realizing that Netanyahu had no intention of coming back, Mr. Kerry set out toward what he thought was an exit to King George Street, only to find himself turned around and in the middle of a room of vendors selling homemade traditional foods. Mr. Kerry took the time to recount some of his experiences as a Lieutenant in the Mekong Delta during Vietnam to a bewildered Druze woman selling flat breads with labaneh cheese. Mr. Kerry then set out again, trying to reach the Dizengoff Street pedestrian overpass that connects the two wings of the mall, and perhaps find an exit near the parking garage at the corner of Dizengoff and King George. Unfortunately, Kerry took a turn up a ramp that led to a bunch of semi empty shops. Again, Kerry displayed his diplomatic acumen as he told the woman applying Dead Sea mud to his face and neck that Putin’s actions in Syria would only hurt Russia in the long run and that Putin really needed to “get with the program and find some sort of consensus”. As Mr. Kerry set out again in search of an exit, the Daily Freier looked over the railing toward the second floor to see a dozen hurried men and women wearing khaki pants, bulging tan vests and earpieces fanning out and asking random passerby questions while gesturing frantically. At this point Mr. Kerry reached a tanning salon whose genial owner listened to Kerry’s recollections about appearing once on an episode of “Cheers” back in the early 1990’s. As the shops began to close this afternoon in preparation for Shabbat, a desperate Secret Service agent asked the Daily Freier if we had seen “a tall older white guy with a patrician manner and a long face.” and we informed them that we thought he might be with our friend Zachary near the store that sells Pop Tarts.
Jerusalem: During telephone calls described by sources as “tense” and “frank”, U.S. Secretary of State Kerry issued an ultimatum to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Abbas: If there is no significant reduction in violence by Friday, that the three of them and their respective staffs will spend the weekend discussing Secretary Kerry’s week-long yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard this August. “We may discuss the yacht trip itself. I may need a couple of hours to explain the subtle nuances of the wind around Cape Cod. Will definitely touch on the time I ran into Joan Baez in Hyannis. I may even need to provide a complete analysis as to which bistro on the island Teresa and I like the best. Really, the sky’s the limit.”
Reaction to this threat was swift, with Israel’s Cabinet meeting in an emergency session. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a visibly distraught Minister Yaakov Litzman after the meeting. “I fear nothing but HaShem. Well…..HaShem and Secretary Kerry’s anecdotes about the Red Sox in the ’70’s.” Concern was equally high on the Palestinian side,with an alarmed Hanan Ashrawi telling the Daily Freier about her fears for the meeting. “I studied French at school……and Mister Kerry knows this…….if he wants to switch to French during the conversation, everybody knows who will pay the price: me.”
Gaza City– The region is on edge as Israel retaliated for the capture of its spy dolphin off the Gaza coast by kidnapping Nachool the Hamas Bumblebee. Nachool, the host of a popular Gaza children’s show where he says some not-so-nice things about Jews, was snatched up late Wednesday evening and spirited away to an undisclosed location. While to date there has been no official statement from the Israeli government, the Daily Freier spoke to a Shin Bet agent known only as “Motti” for the inside scoop.
“After Hamas captured our dolphin Shlomi, we knew we would need a bargaining chip to get him back. So our sources in Gaza told us that Nachool spends Wednesday evenings at his mistress’s hive and is usually strung out on pollen. When our team kicked in the door, he was so out of it that he didn’t even have a chance to sting us. We were out the door and in the van in 30 seconds.”
After the kidnapping, the streets of Gaza exploded in anger, as locals raged at perceived informants who betrayed their beloved Bumblebee. Incidentally, Gaza police arrested local television personality Farfour the Mouse on suspicion that he had a role in his rival’s kidnapping.
Washington: United States Secretary of State John Francis Kerry issued a chilling ultimatum to Israel earlier today according to credible sources. Per these sources, in a closed-door session Kerry informed Israel’s Ambassador Ron Dermer that if Israel continued to oppose the Iran nuclear deal, that Kerry would personally deliver 10,000 electric bikes to downtown Tel Aviv. “10,000 effing bikes, Ron. You think I’m bluffing? C-17 baby. I can bring all the electric bikes I want.” Kerry continued, “I will personally hand out these bikes. Then just try walking down the sidewalk or crossing the street….. But I’m not finished. You cross me and my Embassy will sponsor a week-long 24/7 matkot tournament. With mizrahi pop music. Lots and Lots of mizrahi pop music. How you like them apples, Ron?” Kerry went on to promise that if Israel continues to oppose the deal, he would kick off the matkot tournament, give away the electric bikes by hand, and then go windsurfing.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.