Category: Start Up Nation

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living November 26, 2016November 26, 2016

New Israel Lotto game asks you to Guess the Street Liquid

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/26/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda: By popular demand, the Israeli Lottery Authority introduced a new game this week, entitled “Guess the Street Liquid“. Each Lotto kiosk now has a puddle of unknown origin on its sidewalk, with local citizens invited to try their luck guessing its contents. Despite the seemingly simple aspects of this game of chance, there are some rules. While Lotto encourages using one’s sense of sight and sense of smell, there is a strict “No Touching” rule. The Daily Freier hung out with the kiosk attendant “Dudu” for about a half hour and watched the citizens of Tel Aviv take a spin with Lady Luck.

First on the scene was Alert local Ronit S., who stopped by the kiosk on her way home from the Shuk and decided to try out this new game of chance. Ronit spent a full minute contemplating the puddle, carefully circling the puddle from right to left and then from left to right before making her guess and filling out the bubbles on the Lottery Card.

“So I think this is mazgan runoff. Mixed with mop water. And maybe a dash of pee.”

Next to stop by was Gideon.” Since we are only a few blocks from that arsey club on the corner of Ben Yehuda and Allenby, and seeing as they had a big promotion last night, I’m going with ‘Goldstar, vomit, and bad decisions’. OK, give me a bubble sheet to fill out.”

Finally, recent Oleh Zachary decided to place a wager. Zachary took a moment to smell the air around the puddle before placing his eyes at street level to make an expert analysis. “I gotta go with burnt peanut oil, because of the buffet over there.” noted Zachary as he gestured toward the nearby Chinese restaurant. “But there’s just too much funk from sunflower seed husks and body odor. So I gotta say that somebody also spilled that new cologne ‘Tahanah Merkazit’. OK so where do I collect my prize?”

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Aliyah, Start Up Nation November 25, 2016December 22, 2018

Grateful Olim thank Cellcom and Pelephone for toughening them up into Sabras

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 11/25/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Azrieli: “I wanna show the nation my appreciation”: these inspiring words from the famous song by Shaggy will become the slogan of a new community, uniting and bonding grateful clients of Cellcom and Pelephone for slowly turning them into tough Sabras through contracts that are slightly harder to understand than the Gamara, but slightly easier to escape than an Iranian prison.

American Oleh Josh explained to The Daily Freier the unique mandate behind this initiative. “When you come to Israel, young and naive, one of the first errands you have to do is to buy a SIM Card”. Josh took a second to scroll through multiple notifications from WhatsApp and Tinder on his screen. “And then along came our… I would say sages……Israeli mobile operators. I mean the old-school ones – Cellcom and Pelephone”.

Josh showed us his first contract with Cellcom. “I didn’t even know where my name was, so I just signed it. After a month, it turned out that I had to pay 40 shekels more for direct transactions from my bank account and not my credit card (like, what?) and extra money for the SIM-card and stuff. I was livid. I thought they were scamming me for money! But now I understand that all those ostensibly fraudulent schemes are designed to mentor and guide us in the Land of our Forefathers. I really appreciate all the fights at their office that have made me a real (tough!) Israeli”.

Recent British Olah Sarah joined our conversation. “So true! I speak Hebrew, my dad’s Israeli; yet it took me almost a month to cancel my second Pelephone SIM-card for my iPad. Each time I called them, they tried to convince me to ponder my decision and promptly hung up on me, until I finally managed to overcome my Britishness and shout at them. Such a wonderful relief! I still have to pay 300 shekels for the SIM-card, but what an experience that was. Like the time I found out that Hebrew vowels were totally made up just to screw with Olim.”

Cellcom and Pelephone spokespersons have not given their official comments, but in a private conversation, Shlomi from the Cellcom kiosk in Azrieli Center agreed. “Finally our efforts in helping Olim are appreciated. Some Israeli banks are trying to do this job, but they are not as dedicated and consistent as we are. But, gotta say, Kol Kvod for all of Hot Cable’s efforts.”

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Fashion, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living October 25, 2016October 24, 2018

Tel Aviv is going crazy for new Perfume “Sherut Number 5”

(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/25/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: The city’s “Who’s Who” are just about losing their minds about the hot new perfume hitting the streets: “Sherut Number 5“, inspired by the smell of a Tel Aviv shared taxi. The Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz attended the product launch today by Dizengoff Square and spoke with the designers of this hot new product.

Lead designer Orit K. explained the origins of the perfume. “So last year, we launched ‘Tahanah Merkazit’, the cologne for men who want to smell like the Central Bus Station. And the reaction was great. But a lot of women in Tel Aviv were left asking ‘So when will there be a product that also lets US smell like cigarette smoke, B.O, and poor decisions?’ So here we are. Welcome to Israel.”

Product testing Team Leader Stav C. then interjected to explain how they created the specific ingredients for Sherut Number 5. “On Thursday nights, our teams would get on the Sherut at Rothschild and ride all the way to Ibn Gavriol. They took atmosphere samples as they picked up and dropped off passengers. We really wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the secretions, and the smells that make Sherut Number 5 so special“.

Orit cautioned us that the product was incredibly powerful and offered the testimony of local guy “Yoav”, who initially attended today’s product launch because he saw women and a table of free food. “I don’t know what happened, but when I smelled the perfume on the spokesmodels, all of my critical thinking skills went out the window. I felt as if I needed to hit on them no matter how ridiculous my game was or how inappropriate the timing. It was like…. like….. like I ran into a busload of girls on Birthright.”

Sherut Number 5 will be in stores early next week, and they offer shipping to Europe and North America for Chanukah.

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Start Up Nation, Yom Kippur October 11, 2016September 13, 2018

New Yom Kippur App makes Synagogue attendance Optional

yom-kippur1-e1536835428658 (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 10/11/2016 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv: Synagogue attendances on the High Holy Days is projected to plummet to new lows after Israeli high-tech has ironically unveiled a new app that allows virtual attendance and charity donations from your mobile phone, once the particular holiday is over.

The controversial new app – known as Yom Kapp – was approved by the Rabbinate, after a generous donation from Vodafone, and was actually released in time for Jewish New Year – Rosh Hashanah. One of the novel features allowed people to upload their synagogue membership, selichot, birth certificate, therapy bills and digitally sign themselves into the E-Book of Life. The files are then emailed during Adon Olam to the Rabbi, a sort of Judge Judy without the humor, and, if approved, you receive the e-book in a PDF which you can save to your phone and take with you to the Pearly Gates, when the time comes. Given our fierce attachment to our mobile phones, MOTT (members of the tribe) will be allowed to be buried with their phones, breaking millennia-old Halachic law, as long as the phones are not NOKIA or anything before an IPhone 4, and contracts have been changed to Pay As You Go.

A bonus feature for Yom Kippur allows absentee Jews to play “What will I eat first?”, a new game allowing them to identify their cravings as soon as the fast has ended. This is automatically linked through GPS to your local Chinese takeaway. A shofar ringtone will be available for one day only and you can leave WhatsApp voicemails with spiritual questions for the Rabbi or polite requests for the cantor to speed up.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living September 18, 2016August 26, 2018

“Park Wherever the Hell You Want” permits for 2017 now available for purchase at Israel Post

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/18/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: City residents are reminded that Permits to park wherever the hell they please are now available at all Israel Post locations. The permits, which render a vehicle immune from such mundane concepts as municipal ordinances and the laws of physics, allow the holder to park his or her car totally on the sidewalk, halfway between designated spots, or basically anywhere they think they can fit their vehicle on any given day. The Daily Freier walked down to the Post Office by Dizengoff and Nordau to see for ourselves and maybe even pick up a permit or two.

Israel Post Regional Manager Yossi P. greeted us and walked us through the permit concept. “This is a real moneymaker for Cities and Towns across Israel. Basically, since everyone just does whatever they want with their cars anyway, why not make a few Shekels for Schools and Youth Sports Clubs? The Post Office collects a 5% Commission so it is a real win-win. But as great as this program is, we strive to ensure that it does not take us away from our Core Competency of delivering the Mail efficiently and accurately.” Then he started laughing.

As we were speaking, Local celebrity Moti C. stopped by to ~~hit on~~ chat with the ladies who work at the Post Office after parking his truck diagonally onto the sidewalk by the bus stop. When the ladies told Moti that he may want to buy a permit today, he reminded them that he won a contest and was thus exempt from Parking Laws for a year.

Permits cost 250 Shekels for 6 months, or 400 Shekels for the year. While the sales campaign was considered a huge success, some city residents also offered suggestions and advice to improve the program. Alert Local Ronit S. asked Israel Post if maybe they could sell permits next year to exempt electric bicycles from stopping at red lights or for people in their way.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living September 17, 2016September 27, 2018

Hundreds compete to be named Tel Aviv’s Worst Bartender

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/17/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv: The city is abuzz this weekend with some exciting action: the competition to be named “Tel Aviv’s Next Top Shitty Bartender“. Tel Aviv Municipality’s Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained. “While it’s true that the Imperial Cocktail Bar was recognized as the Best in the Middle East, we felt that this discriminated against one of the Start-Up Nation’s Core Competencies: Indifferent or Slightly Hostile Customer Service.” Safir took the Daily Freier down to the competition site on Ben Yehuda Street to scope out the talent.

The Municipality had set up a mock bar where competitors were run through realistic scenarios to include:

“Customer just interrupted you while you were texting your boyfriend.“
“Customer wants ice.”
“Customer at all-you-can-drink event has the chutzpah to ask for another drink.”

While all of the competitors were amazing, some simply stood out for their awesome lack of a give-a-shit. The Daily Freier spoke with one of the stars, a guy named Avner, about the events so far.

“So these people kept annoying the hell out of me. Just really stressing me out. What do you call those idiots who hang around the bar asking for things when you’re trying to check Tinder or work on your Start-up?”

The Daily Freier helpfully added “Customers?”

“Yeah that’s it. Anyways, these ‘Customers‘ kept bothering me. I mean, it’s not like I work for tips or anything.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with Romi, who seemed a bit frustrated from one of the tougher scenarios: “Giving the customer change“.

“OK, this guy gave me 200 shekels for a 135 shekel bill.” explained Romi. “So the idiot kept waiting for me to give him some money back or something. Whatever. I just assumed that the rest was my tip. I mean, I’m kinda hot.”

After being tested for three hours, Sapir was ready to crown a guy named Yoav the winner. Unfortunately Yoav stepped out for a smoke break thirty minutes earlier and had not yet returned.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living September 10, 2016September 25, 2016

Following success of Tel Aviv Discount Pharmacy, Experts shocked that country full of Jews enjoys paying lower prices for stuff

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/10/2016 at 2:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: With the continued success of Tel Aviv’s new Discount Pharmacy “Good Pharm“, experts are shaking their heads at a shocking phenomena: that a city and country with lots and lots of Jews in it would be attracted by the opportunity to pay lower prices for goods and services.

“I didn’t see this coming. Not in a million years.” explained Hebrew University Economics Professor Yair G. “I just kind of thought that the Israeli public would be a bit more hesitant to go to a store just because the exact same items cost less there.”

Gila C., from Israel’s Ministry of Finance, was equally dumbfounded. “The actions of the public, they just don’t make sense. According to our charts, the public would want to spend a bit of extra money supporting Superpharm’s business model of charging higher prices for common household items.” Gila took a long sip from her coffee and stared out of her office window into the distance. “I know this sounds crazy, but it’s almost as if opening up the economy to competition actually lowers prices and benefits the public.”

Tel Aviv residents could not hide their excitement about the new store. The Daily Freier spoke with Alert Local Ronit S. as she exited the store with several bags of items. “This place is amazing! I live in the Old North, so it isn’t always convenient to shop here. But when I read about it on Secret Tel Aviv, I had to check it out. Anyway, I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, and it’s not really going anywhere. But he lives just one block over from Good Pharm, so I just don’t want to end things until I figure stuff out. Or until, you know, Good Pharm opens something up near the Namal.”

Superpharm, for its part, is not taking the new competition lying down. Starting next week, it will launch a new campaign to lure back customers by raising prices on select items.

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Dating and Relationships, ISIS, Start Up Nation September 8, 2016September 25, 2016

Tel Aviv Startup Launches ‘Al-Qaedate”: a dating App for the Lonely Jihadists of the Sinai

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/8/2016 at 3:20 PM

Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.

“The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”

Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app. She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.

Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment. I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”

Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business. But then they reminded us about FOREX.

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Start Up Nation September 4, 2016September 4, 2016

Both Haredi Guys in Israel with Jobs arrive late for Work today after Shabbat train repairs Cancelled

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 9/4/2016 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor Central Train Station: The economy took a significant hit when the two Haredi men in Israel with full-time jobs were delayed in getting to work today because the Government chose to halt needed infrastructure on several on Israel’s rail system on Shabbat following pressure from the Shas and United Torah Judaism Political Parties. The Daily Freier walked (traffic was backed up!) down to Savidor to speak with both affected Haredi commuters, Shmuel and Chaim.

“This stinks. My boss is going to kill me!” said Shmuel, from Bnai Barak, as he waited for the train to Herzliya to get to his job as an accountant. “But it’s important to get to work so I can pay my taxes! Just like everyone else!” When the Daily Freier explained to Shmuel that his political parties were responsible for the Balagan, Shmuel argued that the crisis was equally due to the fact that Netanyahu and his Transportation Minister maintained a working relationship more appropriate to a “Gossip Girl” episode. “Not that I ever watched that show. Or, like, TV in general.” he quickly added.

Chaim, on his way from Beit Shemesh to his job in Ramat Aviv, was equally concerned. “My boss is going to dock my pay one hour. But that’s OK. It just goes to show that we’re all in this together!” As he sat on the platform waiting for the train that wasn’t arriving, Shmuel tried to stay positive. “This is really inconvenient, but Hey! Life goes on. I mean, it’s not like the movement of military personnel was delayed by this or anything. Wait, cancel that thought.“

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living August 22, 2016September 30, 2016

Tel Aviv ice cream salesman becomes overnight millionaire

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 8/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Beach: Israel is celebrating another major start-up success as a local ice cream salesman was floated as an Initial Public Offering (IPO) on the Tel Aviv and New York Stock Exchanges.

To sun-worshipping residents of Tel Aviv, the familiar cries of “Arctic” up and down the city’s beaches are as familiar as a hug and a phone call from your Jewish mother. But this week, the appearance of the charming leathery-skinned Shlomo Cohen had an extra glow as it emerged he has been launched as “Arctic Ltd” on two of the world’s major stock exchanges.

Selling Magnums and Ice Lollies for NIS 15 apiece has seen the once-broke pensioner float on the New York Stock Exchange, with a share price of $43, and catapulted onto the Forbes List of Really Really Rich People, ahead of disappointed Israeli model/actress Bar Refaeli.

“I never felt bad about charging NIS15 for frozen crap on a stick, there is a market for it and when people’s brains are baking slowly, they will hand over their best friends if you ask.” said Shlomo. Tel Aviv’s Sunbathers were happy for Shlomo, if not exactly surprised. “It just highlights the entrepreneurial spirit of the country, and that fortune can hit you at any time here.” added local Amir Goldenberg, who plans to launch “WaterForYou” off the back of his scooter, to compete with the NIS 25 per bottle charged by some of the beach cafes.

Tel Aviv Stock Exchange Spokesperson, Tal A. explained “We are the Start-Up Nation, and this elderly gentleman has shown that you can be broke your whole life in Israel but it matters less how you live, but more where you finish.”

Cohen, 64 from Netanya, does not plan to retire but he does plan to buy a new vest from Castro and a sunhat from Carmel Market and may expand to cover the beaches of Herzliya. To the delight of the tiny straight minority population of Tel Aviv, Bar Refaeli has applied for a part time job with him.

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.