Tag: Welcome to Israel

Start Up Nation, U.S. Embassy in Israel

Help us nudnik the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem for appointments!

(Based on a True Story!)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/20/2021 at 3:40 PM

Jerusalem:  Are you unemployed with time on your hands? We are seeking folks with excellent Attention to Detail (mild OCD is a plus!) and a good internet connection for an exciting new business in Jerusalem!

Our Start-Up Nation ingenuity has found a way to solve the most pressing problem facing Olim in Israel (no, not the shortage of Skippy peanut butter or Kirkland toilet paper at Osher Ad)…. the lack of available appointments at the US Embassy.

You see, some people saw Corona as a challenge to overcome, whereas the U.S Embassy saw it as an opportunity to DO NOTHING. For a year. Seriously, they’re handing out appointments like Willie Wonka handed out Golden Tickets to his factory (But without the winsome charm of the late Gene Wilder, ז’ל.)

For a modest fee, one of our customer service specialists (OK, they’re all Kollel wives) will sit on the computer all day periodically refreshing the embassy website until an appointment opens up for you.

Listen to what this satisfied customer had to say: “So….umm….. does that mean your next venture is to pay people to sit at Osher Ad waiting for the delivery of Kirkland toilet paper? I would totally pay for that. Amazon has been so slow these days with my toilet paper orders.“

We are looking to fill positions immediately. No need for a TZ number…let’s not get those snoops at Maas Hachnasah involved. (“Strictly a fanciful jest!” -The Daily Freier Legal Department). Forward all inquiries to our HR Department at dassithegiantyenta@hotmail.com.

Aliyah, Start Up Nation

Brits react to Israel’s new Salt & Vinegar Chips with calm & restraint.

By Chava Ewa & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/6/2021 at 3:30 PM

Jerusalem, Katamon: American Olim across Israel are puzzled by the bizarre behavior of their British, Canadian, and South African friends. You see, in the Diaspora we’re all Jewish. But somehow when we arrive here, the Israelis decide that we’re all “Anglo-Saxons” (really).  Anyhoo, it turns out that Americans have less in common with their fellow English-speakers than one would initially suspect. The Brits and other assorted Commonwealthians are in fact all obsessed by potato chips (Wait… they’re called crisps? Really?) that taste like they fell in salad dressing at a picnic. And now a reasonable facsimile of those chips has arrived in Eretz HaKodesh.

“Look at them plotting their route of makolets; it’s like they’re planning the D-Day Invasion.” noted an American Olah named Dassie as she watched her roommates huddled in a Katamon Cafe. The object of their desire? Salt & Vinegar chips.

“Yesterday, I saw my roommate Hannah taking selfies in the supermarket like a teenager.” Dassie confided. “I’ve lived with this girl for 4 years and I haven’t seen her so excited since the time her cousin from Leeds came to visit and brought a suitcase full of Cadbury chocolate and PG Tips teas. Who makes such a fuss over something silly like that?“

As we sipped our ice coffee, we heard a ruckus in the snack section of a nearby kiosk, a British guy and a Canadian guy violently fighting over the last bag of salt & vinegar chips. The shocked kiosk owner remarked “Wow… A Canadian acting rude…. and a British guy showing emotion! Moshiach is coming!“

When we got finished laughing at this foolish reaction over silly potato chips, we accidentally told Dassie that we’re planning a trip back to the States this month and she asked us to bring back Ziploc bags, K Cups, Dunkin Donuts coffee beans, the new iphone, and some decent cleaning products.

Israeli Politics, The IDF

Lone Soldier Political Party will join Coalition for an iPhone charger, 2 spliffs, and some Bamba

(photo credit: The Leeor Institute for Lone Soldier Research)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/20/2021 at 4:30 PM

The Lone Soldier Center, Tel Aviv: With news that our idealistic and naive Prime Minister was outmaneuvered by Yair Lapid offering Mansour Abbas some sweet political freebies to join his coalition, a new Political Party has signaled that it too is ready to be bought off. The Recently formed Chayal Boded (“Lone Soldier”) Party has signaled that it will swing its electoral strength behind the right coalition… for a price. The Daily Freier joined a hastily convened Press Conference in the Lone Soldier Center Dining Hall just as they finished serving that tasty Chinese chicken with the sticky rice.

“Our demands are simple.” explained Party Spokesperson Doron S. “We need an iPhone charger. A couple of spliffs. Some tuna fish. A big bag of Bamba. Also maybe a bottle of Tubi this weekend after we get back from the South.” Doron whispered hastily with a cluster of advisors behind the microphone and then continued. “Don’t worry about the tuna fish, Josh is doing Miluim this weekend so when he gets back we should be good to go in terms of groceries for at least 2 weeks.”

“Before we join any Coalition…” Doron admonished  “The Lone Soldier Party has some serious questions that need answers. Like the Knesset Dining Hall… MK’s eat for free, right? Also, will this give us some sort of discount on our Arnona?”

The Daily Freier stood up to challenge Doron on his Party’s short-sighted platform, but the Lone Soldier Center manager announced that she had an extra toaster oven that she was giving away and we got knocked to the ground in the subsequent chaos.

Only in Israel, Top 10

Top Ten Sketchy Things your Israeli Tour Guide will say to you



1. She wants to show you her Wilderness of Zin.

2. OK, who wants to go down to the Kishon Gap?

3. They still need to see Warren’s Shaft.

4. This is where Jesus descended on his ass.

5. (really anything with the word “Qumran”)

6. Anyone want to hear the story of how Elijah went to Mount Carmel?

7.  Sorry, but I’m still inside Apollonia.

8. Vespasian had over a hundred catapults, so he could really get his rocks off.

9. We can always take the Spice Route.

10. And that’s how they found the back entrance to Hezekiah’s Tunnel.

Beaches of Tel Aviv, Start Up Nation

Miracle: Overflowing Sewage drives Oil Spill from Tel Aviv Beaches

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/7/2021 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Charles Clore Beach: Residents are calling it a modern miracle, as untreated sewage has chased the recent oil spill away from Tel Aviv’s beaches.

A few weeks back a bunch of oil started washing up on Israel’s shores, hurting wildlife and closing the beaches. Nobody knows exactly how it happened, but if you think that’s going to stop an Israeli politician from pontificating on something, well Boker Tov. Environmental Protection Minister Gila Gamliel decided that this would be a good time to publicize her personal Fauda Fan Fiction Blog, and blamed Iran for the oil spill because why not? Anyhoo, the oil spill was doing serious damage until Thursday night. You see, Tel Aviv’s sewage treatment system works amazingly well except for extremely rare events…. like whenever it rains a bit, and then a whole bunch of untreated sewage flows into the sea.

And that’s where the miracle happens. Sensing a violation of our sovereignty, the patriotic untreated sewage attacked the oil spill, forcing it to retreat toward Lebanon, which naturally submitted a UN resolution condemning Israel (OK, this part is actually true). Reaction from Israel’s streets was immediate.

“I always knew our poorly maintained municipal infrastructure would save us.” noted Yafo-based musician Assaf K. “Am Yisrael Chai.“

“This reminds us of the importance of not doing anything to fix our problems!” enthused Alert Local Ronit S. as she walked past a storm drain blocked by debris. “Imagine what would have happened to us if we had actually planned ahead?“

The Daily Freier looks forward to the Oil Spill writing an Op-Ed for Haaretz next week where it blames its departure from Israel on The Occupation.

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

We built our own Israeli Political Party using a Bot Farm!

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons, sort of)

By Mark Levy & Daniel Rosehill

Last Updated 2/10/2021 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv: While all of you losers were complaining about our 5th or 6th election in 18 months or whatever, the Daily Freier did something about it. That’s right, thanks to some helpful friends in Estonia who we met playing Minecraft, we have our own Bot Farm. Not only that, but using Artificial Intelligence, we created our own Political Party! In fact, our very own Science & Technology columnist Mark Levy is the brains behind this ambitious project. Hopefully, this will work out better than the last time we built a Bot.

Our party’s manifesto is to replace the entire government sector in Israel with the world’s first sovereign AI algorithm consisting of a Bot Farm managed from our underground data center near Eilat. The AI algorithm, which we call  “HaMedina” (the State), is programmed to replicate as realistically as possible the level of service provided by your average Israeli government office.


“The algorithm takes virtual coffee and smoke breaks once an hour.” explained Mark. “It works between 10:00 and 15:00 Mondays to Wednesdays and 09:00 to 11:00 on Thursdays but only during years with an even number…. in the Hebrew calendar.”

The algorithm’s default response subroutine is “no, that’s not possible” and it has even been imbued with the ability to create red tape and bureaucracy out of thin air. “There’s going to be a special ishur needed to apply to interact with the bot.” Mark continued. “And there’s going to be another ishur (permit) needed to apply for it.”


The party itself, he said, will consist of 5 virtual MK’s. Each would be an algorithm with a unique personality that would appear in plenum through a unique hologram technology that would be capable of generating a unique “face” for each member of Knesset.

“We’ve also managed to impart certain cultural characteristics into each virtual MK,” he said. The MK bots for instance are able to periodically interrupt one another while speaking and also heckle members of the opposition.


Levy believes that our ambitious project — a world first — is entirely without precedent. “We’re planning to upend the entire state bureaucracy.” he admitted. Levy projects that the ambitious project could end up saving the taxpayer tens of millions of shekels.

“High tech is the strong suit of Israel’s economy and we have good reason to believe that our algorithm and virtual MKs will do a better job than what we have now.” The only costs associated he said would be maintaining the data center and paying a small team of algorithm engineers to program the MKs (and bureaucracy) with new interests. But we’re probably going to ask MASA for some free interns so that should cut down on overhead.

“We’re even working on a fully drone operated delivery service called ‘Leiat Leiat Yisrael’ that we expect could fully emulate the level of service provided by the Israel Post Office.” Mark noted. The tentative delivery service would periodically dump packages into the Dead Sea, thereby losing them, and circle the country for months before arriving at their destination.

Also, none of the Bots ever made money on a deal involving submarines.

Corona Virus, Dating and Relationships, Judaism

Corona Mutations hold Speed Dating event at Bnei Brak funeral

(photo credit: Twitter)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 2/9/2021 at 3:30 PM

Bnei Brak: Despite the ongoing lockdowns, there are still some folks out there who refuse to stop living their best life. That’s right, all of the various and evolving Corona mutations just met up for an evening of speed-dating! You see, Rabbi Haim Meir Wosner, a senior ultra-Orthodox rabbi, died on Sunday at the age of 82 from COVID-19. Thousands of mourners attended his funeral in Bnei Brak, creating the perfect forum for our friends in the Corona Mutation Community to have a “meet & greet” and just maybe meet that “special someone“. The Daily Freier was live on the scene while maintaining appropriate social distance protocols.

“I’m really looking for Mr. Right.” noted Sarah, an Olah Hadasha from South Africa. “I really want to meet a guy who has done a lot of traveling. Maybe a guy from Europe!” Sarah dropped her voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. “I don’t want to jinx myself, but I’m naming my first child “Avi Ben SARS-CoV-2 VOC 2021-2/08” if it’s a boy, and “Rachel Bat SARS-CoV-2 VOC 202012/01” if it’s a girl!“

While we were speaking to Sarah, a number of Olah Hadashot Corona Mutations from the United States seemed to be creating quite a stir. “OMG OMG did you hear that British mutation’s accent?” asked Leah from Boston. “It is SO. HOT.“

Wanting to learn more, the Daily Freier approached this very Eligible British Bachelor Corona Virus Mutation: Richard from Manchester. “I just love the atmosphere here. Even if I don’t get a date, it’s great to meet up with all my friends.” Richard scanned the room and continued. “All of the police barriers were getting in our way and preventing us from being ‘Single Ready to Mingle’, so I was really glad when the funeral guests removed them after 10,000 people showed up!” (Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really Happened.)

Yet not everybody was so enthusiastic about the event.  The Daily Freier spoke with “Melissa from Florida” who was busy trying to stop her girlfriend Sarit from making “a huge mistake” with a Corona Strain from Italy “who really gets around”.

“Uggh, there’s Yosi. Thanks but no thanks. I’m sorry, but that guy’s been with EVERY girl at my seminary. And now he just got back from doing who-knows-what in Dubai. Sarit needs to stay away from that guy.”

“But he seems NICE!” argued Sarit. “I didn’t notice anything wrong with him. He even told me his Hebrew name: Yosef Lo-Symptomati!“

As the party continued to fill up, we ran into Richard again and asked him if the police might break it all up. “Don’t worry.” he replied breezily. “Bibi said it was OK.“

UPDATE: A prominent Israeli psychic predicts that someone on Secret Jerusalem will be really really offended by this.

4:20

I think someone in Charles Clore Park might be smoking weed

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 1/24/2021 at 11:05 AM

Tel Aviv, Charles Clore Park: OK, so this is weird. But I think…. and I don’t have any actual proof yet…. but I think someone here might be smoking weed. I don’t want to cast accusations or anything. Because, again, I could be wrong. But the air has this strange smell. It almost smells like the Metallica jean jacket that my older brother wore in high school. Does that even make sense?

Also, you can’t really tell where the smell is coming from. It’s almost as if it’s coming from everywhere. I mean, I just passed a drum circle, and everyone standing around had like really really interesting hair. Maybe it was them. Plus, a bunch of people are on the hill waiting for the sunset.  Then there’s these guys who ran a cargo strap from one tree to another and they’re walking on it like a tightrope. But where are their shirts? It’s cold outside.

There’s also a dozen Wolt delivery guys hanging around on their bikes. Maybe they’re on break or something. They probably see a lot of things riding around. I bet they would know the answer.

Wait, maybe I should just ask on Secret Tel Aviv.

Tel Aviv Living

“We’ve lost everything.” Rains destroy Tel Aviv’s dry pee reserves

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/15/2021 at 12:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Atarim Square: Experts fear that yesterday’s winter rains have decimated Tel Aviv’s famed dry pee smell, setting back the city’s strategic reserves by up to 6 months.

“We’ve lost everything.” complained the guy at the kiosk in Atarim Square that sells hot dogs. “First it was Corona, and now this. We might not recover before the summer.“

“Months of hard work are gone forever. Lost in just a few hours.” lamented Yoni, a Wolt bicycle delivery guy who had stopped in one of Atarim Square’s passageways “for a break”. Yoni surveyed the newly clean-ish floors and started to cry. “This was all we had.”

News of Tel Aviv’s crisis quickly reached the highest reaches of Government, with President Rivlin urging a unified response to the crisis. “The parties need to come together quickly with a plan. Up to 20% of Israeli men have never peed in Atarim Square.* We are failing as a nation.”

UPDATE: Some good news emerged Friday morning as the NGO “Birthright Israel” promised to have future buses stop at Atarim Square, Allenby Street, and the Central Bus Station. (Editor’s Note: this is in fact NOT the most ridiculous Taglit/MASA idea that we have ever come across.)

* It’s actually much less than 20%.

Aliyah

Wait, who is Sylvester & why are we doing stuff for him?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/28/2020 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv: “What am I doing for Sylvester? Am I supposed to know him? And why are we supposed to be doing stuff for him? I don’t understand!” complained recent American Oleh Alex P. “All my Israeli friends keep asking me what I’m doing for Sylvester…. and I literally don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Alex explained that this past week, all his workmates could talk about was this mysterious guy named Sylvester. “One guy said he’s making a Barbecue for Sylvester. Another guy is hosting a wine & cheese party for him. My supervisor said he’s going to the pub for Sylvester. He invited me to join, but I didn’t know how to answer. I like pubs, but is this Sylvester guy coming with us? Wait, maybe Sylvester knows that other mystery guy Alan?”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we suggested that maybe Alex would understand his workmates better if he invited them out to socialize. “Yeah, I already tried that…and it totally didn’t work.” he explained. “I asked the guys if they wanted to do something fun for New Year’s, but they just laughed at me and said to ask them in 9 months.”